WouldaCouldaShoulda

They say there are only two reasons for looking back:

1. to check the rear view mirror when driving, and
2. to see how much progress you have made on your journey through life. 

Oh, and to see if you're being followed, like when you’re walking alone down a dark alley or in a parking structure. So, I guess there are three reasons for looking back. 

Lately, as I’ve been searching for a direction in life, I end up with a lot of down, alone time where I find myself involved with my not-so-favorite pastime; overthinking. 

It seems I’ve been overthinking past conversations I would have, could have or should have handled differently at the time. Or conversations I imagine having should the opportunity arise in the future. I like to call them “conversations after the fact.” Also known as “why didn’t I think of that at the time?” moments.

A recent conversation with a friend around a semi-sensitive subject has triggered this revelation. 

It also triggered painful memories of other difficult conversations, not only with him, but with others, around this sensitive subject.

His question was very innocent as I know he was coming from a place of caring and I understand we have differing views on this and many other subjects.

I now live a very different life than most people so I understand my choices might not resonate with many others. But for the most part, I'm comfortable with my choices and that's all that matters.

Yet, I find myself wanting to revisit this conversation with him to clarify any misconceptions I might have left with my friend.

But, will it matter? Probably not. Will he have remembered this conversation? Again, probably not. Could there even have been a misinterpretation in the first place? Most likely not, as he saw things through his viewpoint and I expressed myself through mine. Is he sitting at home wondering if he misunderstood me or thinking of what he woulda, coulda, or shoulda said differently in case he believes he said something wrong? Most definitely not. 

Revisiting the past with others isn’t always effective. Sure, it can mend fences or fix misunderstandings but sometimes it doesn’t. If this is my life and I know what I meant even if I didn’t verbalize it perfectly, does it really matter? No.

In many cases, looking at the wouldas, couldas and shouldas might trigger one more thing. Regret. I regret how I said what I said. But what does this regret trigger in me? Maybe a feeling of being misunderstood? Of not having said exactly what I wanted to say? Of wondering how my friend perceives or accepts me? A sense of having to defend my unconventional choices? Who knows? 

I also find myself looking at other potential conversations involving different people I might have to face in the future where past misunderstandings have lead to a breach of trust.

In these cases, I’ll just be prepared should I encounter these individuals in the future provided I remember then what I want to say now.

Either way, overthinking these conversations triggers anxiety in anticipation of potential future encounters with these people. 

So, what to do when I find myself in these mental conversations?

When I realize I’m think-talking to myself again, I try to bring my focus back to the moment. If I’m washing dishes, I focus on the water and suds and how they dance across the plate or bowl. If I’m walking outside, I focus on the plants and the texture of the leaves or the bark of the trees. If I’m doing something around the house, I put my energy and attention into whatever it is I’m doing. If I'm listening to music, I focus on the lyrics. Eventually, the anticipated conversation has drifted away.

If I’m trying to fall asleep, well, then I’m in trouble. I try a self-relaxation technique where I start to focus on my breath for a while, feeling it as I inhale, then as I exhale, inhale, exhale, over and over. Later, I focus on my feet and feel how heavy they are. Then my calves, up my legs to my abdomen and so on. It does work most of the time.

If that doesn’t help, there’s always Melatonin.
 

November's Card

Nine of Wands
Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot

When I sat down to write my reflection on November’s card from my New Year's Reading, it dawned on me I already had written it in a way, sort of. Kinda.

My card for November was the Nine of Wands Reversed from the New Palladini Tarot.

When we look at the traditional card from the Rider-Waite-Smith deck, we see an injured young man, seemingly exhausted, leaning on a staff. He’s obviously looking off to one side. What’s going on over there that has caught his attention? Were his injuries sustained in some kind of battle? Is it still going on? Why does he have these other staffs with him? Did they belong to some of his fallen comrades? Curious minds want to know.

Nine of Rods (Wands)
New Palladini Tarot

Regardless of his injuries and exhaustion, he also appears to have the stamina to keep going, to fight on if he needs. Somehow, he’d muster the strength, courage and energy to do so like a good warrior. I like to think of this as a “don’t-mess-with-me-or-you-might-regret-it” card. 

But, in my reading, he’s reversed.

So, this changes things.

The reversal could suggest a full surrender, a giving up. Exhaustion has taken over. I’m done.

As I looked back at this card and the feeling of full surrender came over me, my previous post, The Doldrums, sprang to mind. 

In that post, I wrote that is seems like everything I've tried to motivate myself to find a direction in my social life and some increased economic opportunities did not pan out. So, I felt like throwing down the staff and just hibernating. After all, the first Spirit Guide I met was Bear, so hibernation would be quite fitting. Plus, winter is approaching and Bear People do tend to hibernate a bit in the winter.

Yet, that isn’t very healthy.

Or very fun.

But, something interesting occurred to me when I reviewed the card. Bear with me, it’s a stretch. Or a reach. But, whatever.

Upright, the figure is looking to the left. I view a reading as a snapshot of this current moment in time, of the Now. We often use a timeline to chronicle events from the past to the present. Traditionally, we place the events furthest in the past to the farthest left on the timeline and then proceed forward in time to the right. The events that injured the young man already occurred. They're in the past. I mean, he's already bandaged. 

My card turned up reversed, so now he’s looking to the right, into the future. So, maybe I feel like giving up now. But, as he’s looking to the right, into the future, I’m taking this as a sign to just keep plodding on as a new year is on the way. 

It’s like he’s saying, just wait. Don’t give up, even if you feel like it Right Now.

After all, the Hermit, (one of my favorite cards in the deck) is up next. But, he’s reversed, too.

What could that mean?

I guess I’ll find out.

The Hermit
New Palladini Tarot

To read my prior post, click here.

The Doldrums

A few years ago while teaching, I became enchanted with the book, The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster. It’s a wonderful story about a young boy named Milo and is filled with wonderful examples of figurative language.

The story opens and Milo is bored and believes his life has no direction because he has nothing to do. Wherever he is, he wishes he were somewhere else and when he’s somewhere else, he wishes he was back where he was. A mysterious box appears in his room containing an unassembled tollbooth, some coins and a map. He assembles the tollbooth, checks the map and gets in a small electric car he owns but hasn’t driven in months-or maybe years, he can't remember-and approaches the toll booth. He uses the coins to pay the toll and sets off on an adventure of a lifetime through the Lands Beyond.

One of the first places Milo experiences in the Lands Beyond is the Doldrums, described as mile after mile after mile after mile of the same dull, drab, gray landscape. His car eventually goes slower and slower and slower and Milo finds himself feeling drowsier and drowsier and very dull. Wondering aloud, he asks himself where he is. A voice from very far away tells him he is in The Doldrums, the land where nothing ever happens and nothing ever changes and, in fact, laughing and thinking are against the law there.

Later, I was surprised to actually find the Doldrums on a world map making it a real place. Kind of. Further investigation led me to discover it is also known as The Intertropical Convergence Zone. It lies along the equator where the northeast and southeast Tradewinds converge. Due to the weather patterns along the equator, the Tradewinds converge here and then rise straight up, leaving almost no surface winds which, in turn, leaves boats without any wind to help them along. Therefore, they simply drift along, directionless. Nowadays, many boats and ships have motors to help them in windless times and, evidently, in windless locations.

Lately, I’ve felt I’ve been in the Doldrums, metaphorically, that is. Drifting along directionless. I’ve been trying to motivate myself to do more and to get out more. To that end, I applied for a seasonal job, but for some reason unbeknownst to me, I am no longer being considered for it. Yet, that chain is still hiring. I’ll apply for another job elsewhere and see what happens. My concern, though, with working while being an introvert and an empath is that it can be exhausting working around people. Maybe a people-free job exists somewhere? But, to be honest, some human interaction is actually healthy.

The majority of my friends have jobs so, during the day, they are occupied. If I go out for a walk, I’m walking alone which still gives me the freedom to overthink. I do try some walking meditations where I focus on the landscape around me or try and identify the various sounds I hear, especially if I’m walking along a nature trail. I sometimes walk the local mall, leaving my credit cards at home or the tendency to shop can be a bit tempting. If I want to socialize at night or on weekends, my friends often have family obligations. Or they live far away.

Something else I’ve tried in order to cure the Doldrums is looking for groups to socialize with but the dues to attend their functions or the cost of their events adds up and for someone on a fixed income, that can be an issue. A few of them seemed interesting at first, but didn't live up to their hype or had agendas other than what I was looking for.

Plus, there’s the introvert/empath thing again. 

I’ve tried working on my writing projects but after a while, the arthritis in my hands and tendinitis in my wrists and elbows alert me to when I’ve done enough typing for a while. But, I still do need to get those works finished.

So, I stay home a lot, but I can only dust the rooms, sweep the floors, sort out closets or clean bathrooms so often. I do some reading, mostly books on overcoming anxiety or enhancing my tarot studies and other related fields. 

I've considered volunteering at a local animal shelter, but I’d want to bring home a cat or two, yet my budget simply can’t handle the food, litter, vaccinations, check-ups, toys and other feline necessities. Plus, my plants wouldn't necessarily like possibly being chewed on. 

I do have a project in the works, but I’m not ready to come out with it, just yet. Some logistics still need to be worked out. Plus, it's not quite a socializing event. 

In short, I just need to set a course for somewhere and see what happens. After all, ships never get anywhere staying close to the shore.

Besides, I can always change course if the first one doesn’t work out.

Again.

October

The original card from
the Rider Waite Smith deck

Since we have moved into November, it’s time to check in with my October card from my New Year's Reading and we find ourselves with the Four of Pentacles, Reversed.

As I mentioned earlier in April with the Ten of Pentacles, this is the suit associated with prosperity, abundance and material goods. As we need to work to attain prosperity, it can also relate to labor, jobs, investments, etc. As we examine the figure in the traditional card, we can see he is hanging on to his Pentacles by grasping one to his chest and standing on two of them. As four is near the beginning of the suit, this is suggesting the figure is early in his understanding of the suit. He’s made some money, or acquired some possessions and is fearful of losing them. Therefore, he’s clinging to them, or trying to control what he has. So, in an upright position, this is a card about controlling and maintaining what we have in terms of our material situation.

The Four of Pentacles,
New Palladini

In my reading, I used the New Palladini deck and this card came up reversed. Reversals can indicate a delay, an obstacle, a blockage or simply the opposite meaning. Are there things I’m hanging on to that no longer serve me? While Pentacles is mostly about material goods and possessions, this card, reversed, could also suggest a letting go of control in general. In some instances, a reversal may also suggest the upright energy of the card but to its most extreme. In this case, it might suggest the figure is taking the fear of losing his possessions to the extreme of hoarding, stinginess or outright possessiveness. 

I can always find things I’m no longer using and donate them to a charity or simply toss out. In fact, I try to make it a habit to find a minimum of fifty things throughout each year to toss. This can include outdated medications, CDs I no longer listen to, DVDs that have lost my interest, clothes that no longer fit or are too worn, etc. Or it could even be something I haven’t set eyes on in the last 6 months.

Pentacles is the suit also connected to the Earth element. Have I been outdoors in Nature much? Not really. Do I feel grounded or connected to the Earth? Again, not really.

There were some things that came up in this past month that caused me to take a look at myself.

I posted about them in a fairly recent blog, Humbled, where I learned that if you let go of an expected, or highly anticipated outcome, you will never be disappointed.

I take it that was the message of the card. Letting go of expectations, relinquishing control, or not blocking the changes meant for my higher good.

But, I still feel the need to get out into Nature more and ground myself. 

Going Home

They say you can’t go home again. I understand it’s a metaphor regarding the changes that people go through as life goes on and on for the one who leaves and those who don't. So, everything will be different when the prodigal child returns.

My old home in Sacramento

For me, that saying became literal as well. In 1976, I moved to Los Angeles from Sacramento, California for college. During my freshman year, my stepfather accepted a job in St. Louis, Missouri. So, my home in California disappeared into nothingness leaving Los Angeles as my new home. I used to tell people I didn't leave home, it left me. Missouri would never be home as I had no real connection to it and they lived there barely nine months anyway before moving once again. And, in reality, Sacramento wasn’t truly home as we’d only lived there about a year and a half before I left and two years before they did. Yet, my grandparents had lived there for as long as I can recall and remained there until they passed. So, Sacramento always was a home base of some kind.

My mother has lived in the Atlanta area since 1979. I recently went to visit and discovered another aspect of going home even if it’s just home to visit mom wherever she may reside. I’ve changed even more since my previous visit over a year ago. Last year, I’d toyed with the idea of telling her I was beginning to study the tarot and with my first baby steps in telling her, she replied “I thought they were supposed to be evil.” I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I didn’t.

This year I was still unsure about sharing that aspect of my new life. So, I chose to play it by ear. For several reasons, I ended up not opening that closet door. I tried explaining about being an empath by sharing a couple of my empathic moments. I tried explaining some of my intuitive experiences. I’m not sure she grasped any of it, but I’m grateful she listened even if she didn’t know what to say. No one usually does. I’m used to it, so I go it mostly alone, with a few friends who do understand. Kind of.

I did bring up the fact I see the same numbers over and over. I pointed out once that it was 1:11 on the clock and that I’d noticed 11:11 earlier that morning. She said she didn’t believe in that stuff. I took that as not a good sign.

I know this aspect of my life is hard to understand for those who are more secular or religious than spiritual. After all, those nasty tarot cards are frowned upon by churches and those who read them are children of the devil. We've been brainwashed not to pay attention to our intuition as it's seen by some as an evil spirit, mental illness or unreal. Other people get freaked out by it.

Mom and I had some moments of conservative vs. liberal politics but when we realized we would not see eye to eye we steered clear of them. Religion sort of reared its head and we ended up dropping that topic as well and we did the same with environmental issues. 

The view from my mother's back deck

All in all, it was similar to previous visits but for some reason my anxiety was through the roof. Maybe it was because I’m still getting used to these newer dimensions of me and I wasn’t sure of how to proceed in sharing with her, or if I even should. Maybe it was the idea of not being in my own home, my comfort zone. Perhaps it was just being around another person for 24 hours a day after living alone for so many years, regardless of who it was.

Or maybe it was just being in the conservative, oppressive south.

Maybe it was the realization that this was the first time in my life I knew she couldn’t be there for me as I needed her to be. Even as she tried.

Maybe it was all of the above.

I don’t wish to paint my mother as a difficult person. She isn’t. She is very loving and has been there as much for me as she has for my brothers and their issues. She was the only family member who initially stood by my side when I came out as gay. She has her upbringing which has led her down a conservative path and she recognizes we all have our differences which she respects.

As I reflect on what I learned about myself on this trip, I have come to this conclusion; it’s still difficult to ask for what I want or need in relationships. It wasn’t until almost the very end of my stay when I asked for some quiet time on my own. Yes, I could have gone up to "my room” and lie down or something. And, yes, I could have borrowed her car and gone into Atlanta for a day out on my own. But, it’s also hard to ask for that when you’ve made your annual trek across the country to visit and help your aging mother while recognizing she wants to maximize the time we have together. Based on her needs, obligations and other family engagements in the area, we arranged our chores around them, which then also limited my ability to go explore Atlanta. Plus, the two hour drive into the city was also a huge factor. 

So, all in all, it was a nice visit, even if it had its ups and downs. Hopefully, next time I’ll be a bit more grounded.  

Home, my comfort zone

Humbled

It really is humbling when your own words come back to haunt you.
Or kick you in the ass.

Or hit you upside the head

Or all of the above.

It can also be embarrassing.

I’ve  mentioned my anxiety before and how I've tried to manage it and that I felt I was getting a handle on it.

Up until last week, that is.

Normally, I might have an episode that lasts a few hours, or most of a day. Last week, it went on for a few days. 

Okay, nearly all week.

I had been on prescription medication, but at one point my doctor and I felt I no longer needed it. So, I stopped. Yay me. I still have the last bottle but as it takes two weeks for this medication to begin working, it wouldn’t help me last week.

I’ve tried meditation in the past and sometimes that helps, but this time I had a very hard time calming my mind to just be with the anxiety and not attach to it. That makes it difficult to find the trigger of the episode so I could address it without adding to the emotional storm whirling through my mind. I want to tackle the triggers of my anxiety episodes so I can be more prepared for when I am triggered.

At first, I thought it might be the full moon in Aries, an emotionally-explosive, charge-forward sign with the sun in Libra, a sign that seeks balance, calm and fairness. Quite a dichotomy of energies. But, I can't recall being this affected by a full moon before. So, maybe that wasn't it.

I was anticipating chatting with a friend to continue our conversation, but I didn’t hear back for a while, even a bit longer than usual which added to my anxiety. But, something told me this wasn't the trigger.

Since I couldn't identify a possible trigger, I'd tackle the symptoms, at least for now.

I tried listening to binaural beats to help calm me down and they did, for a while. But, my mind took back over and the race was on again.

I have tried medical cannabis, but one bad experience where it actually enhanced my anxiety has caused me to question using it again. I may look into just using cbd oil, the non-psychoactive component of cannabis which has been known to treat seizures in children.

I tried being mindful when I could, like when washing the dishes. “Feel the warm water on your hands. Feel the soap as it caresses the dishes. Feel the texture of the food particles as you wash the plate, now feel it squeaky clean.” Once the dishes were done, so was the mindfulness for that moment.

The smoke from the flashpoint as seen
from the end of my street

I wanted to go for a walk and meditate while walking, “See the trees and how the leaves rustle in the breeze. Listen to the birds gently calling to each other, what are they saying? Oh, a sound in the underbrush, what was it? Can I find what was making the noise?” But, with a wildfire burning nearby complete with its smoke and fine particulate matter in the air we were encouraged to stay inside with windows closed which contributed to my anxiety. I shared news of the fire on Facebook and a couple of people asked about it and how I was being affected.

So, I just learned to try to live with my anxiety. And also not sleep. Or at least not sleep well.

A few days later, I was reading an article from Tiny Buddha that appeared in my Facebook feed. And it hit me what triggered my anxiety.

Unmet expectations.

When I posted the article on Facebook, I was sharing information for my local friends to be aware of. Yet, I was also expecting, probably subconsciously, for other friends to check in on me. Only two did.

Smoke from the fire as seen
from a local school

It was that realization when I was able to kick my anxiety in the ass and let it go. And finally relax.

Many years ago, I learned that expectations are planned disappointments. When you expect something from someone, and it doesn't happen how you expected, if it happens at all, you have set yourself up for disappointment. I have counseled many friends with that exact sentiment. Yet, here it slipped through my fingers. 

I’m glad I was alone when I realized this as I felt very embarrassed for not following my own hallowed advice.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself as I wasn’t exactly aware I was holding expectations over friends' reactions to the nearby wildfire. Or maybe there were outstanding reasons I wasn't aware of that they didn’t see my post.

I guess this is another lesson for me to work on. Or at least be reminded of.

Expect nothing and I won’t be disappointed.

And that includes expectations from myself. 

For information on Binaural Beats and how they work, click here.

To view the Tiny Buddha article on expectations, click here.

Two Swords for September

Two of Swords
New Palladini Tarot

The card for September in my New Year Reading was the Two of Swords. It’s not always a great card to see in a reading, but not one of the worst, either.

Swords is the suit representing the mind and anything connected to it; e.g. thoughts, ideas, logic, reason, truth, and communication. For me, the connection with truth and a sword is clear; the truth can hurt whether it’s a gentle poking or an outright heart wrenching piercing, either way some pain would be involved.

Historically, swords have been associated with authority figures and justice. And justice is supposed to be based on facts and be fair and impartial. Lady Justice is usually depicted blindfolded and holding a sword and a balance scale.

The number two represents duality because of the dual nature we see around us; masculine/feminine, dark/light, positive/negative and it also suggests balance because two is an even number; there are two sides to a balance scale and at least two sides to every story. Putting these concepts together, the Two of Swords represents a duality or a balance between two thoughts or ideas. The fact the swords are crossed suggests the thoughts or ideas are crossing or competing with each other. Therefore, this card further indicates either some internal mental conflict or a disagreement with someone else. 

Lady Justice

The blindfold goes on to suggest the figure might be blind to or not facing the conflict before them, whether it’s their own personal conflict or one with someone else. It could also suggest they are focused on a solution based on the facts and not letting emotion sway them. They are remaining unbiased or impartial. Or trying to. 

When I first saw the Knight of Cups Reversed preceding this card for September, I was sure it meant havoc for me in the romance/relationship department. Was I going to meet someone who would then become distant forcing me to face a difficult decision? Or would somebody already in my life suddenly turn cold or distant forcing us into a conflicted discussion? Or would I be the figure mediating conflicts between others while remaining unbiased? I have since realized the Knight referred to my budding intuition and getting used to it. 

While I have been consulted by a couple of friends to read cards for them to gain insight into a difficult friendship in their lives, I had my own moment of clarity that led me to believe this Two of Swords also has a more specific meaning for me.

Interestingly, these moments of clarity, or “aha” moments, can be represented in a reading by the Ace of Swords, as the Aces can suggest beginnings or opportunities as relating to the theme of the suit, in this case a realization.

I came to see myself as the figure on the card and the swords as representing opposing truths, or aspects, of me. Or rather, some dualities of me:

1. Gay vs. Straight
2. Spiritual vs. Secular/Religious
3. Intuitive vs. Non-intuitive

As I am becoming more in touch with my intuition as well as some other unique moments/experiences in my life, I’ve begun to wonder, “Why me? Why now?” And more importantly, “How do I manage it? How do I use it? How do I not get overwhelmed by it all?”

But another important question for me now is, “How do I integrate this new aspect of me into my life and carry on as if nothing is different when in reality a lot is different?” It’s like a whole new closet to come out of.

So, here is how I interpret the two competing swords; one represents the communities I move through and the other is how I fit into them:

• How do I navigate a community where I am more atypical than (stereo)typical? 
• How do I live my spiritual life among communities that for the most part aren’t spiritual but more secular or even religious?
• How do I work and exercise my intuition in a world that is seemingly disbelieving or dismissive of such?

Perhaps this is all leading to the most important question of all, “How do I just be me?”

Per the blindfold in the card, it’s obvious to me I’m not facing the answer. But I know what the answer is. I just need to bring the two swords together to magically transform them into one powerful sword-my own Ace of Swords. Once that is done, I need to sheathe it, stand up, remove the blindfold and march confidently forward.

On second thought, maybe I should remove the blindfold before sheathing this new unified Sword. I don’t want any accidents.

Ace of Swords, Crow Tarot
My favorite rendition of this card

Only then can I march confidently forward.

Cups, Knights and Reversals

Knight of Cups,
New Palladini Tarot

My card for August in my New Year’s Reading was the Knight of Cups Reversed. Knights represent the second youngest members in the court of each suit. This puts them at the age roughly that of an adult in their mid-twenties to early thirties, though some readers feel it may extend a bit in either direction. Regardless, I view them as those young adults who have finished their lessons and think they know everything but lack the life experience to justify their actions, meaning they can either lack self-confidence or be very full of themselves, perhaps a bit idealistic. 

The Court Cards can also be a bit problematic in a reading as they can represent real people involved in the situation, aspects of the person seeking guidance, or energies of that card as they apply to an event. Reversing them can bring out their shadow side, the darker side of their personality.

Cups is the suit of the Heart and many readers also connect intuition to the suit as well. How many times have we said “I have a funny feeling about this” or “I had a sense I’d run into you today?” That is our intuition speaking to us.

So, we have a young adult fully aware, or so he thinks, of his emotions and/or intuition. He can be quite romantic or a bit distant while still figuring things out. Reverse him and he can go to either extreme, but a bit more to the extreme. He can be outright cold or rather aggressive.

While the figure on the card is represented as male, it could represent a female in real life. 

Well, my first impression when I first saw him in the spread was that this would be an emotional month, perhaps involving some relationship. He is the most romantic of the knights, after all.

And it was. An emotional month, but it had nothing to do with a relationship, except maybe the one I have with myself.

I am now at that point in my retirement where I need a direction. It’s been two full school years since I retired, and I DO NOT regret it. Saving my sanity was the wisest decision I made. Now, I need to do something with it.

People have suggested I substitute for local schools. I am not interested in returning to that arena. I retired because I felt my life was heading in a new direction spiritually. And unfortunately, public education was heading downhill as much as the teachers were (and still are!) trying to save it. 

I’ve considered working part-time in retail, but being an introvert and slightly empathic I become very uneasy and exhausted around large groups of people. Even quick runs to the store can be draining. And it seems when I decide to apply for a job, something comes up that suggests I wait.

Emotionally, this last month left me feeling a bit floundering, seeking a direction yet my introversion keeps me from seeking new outlets to socialize, which in turn has left me feeling frustrated with little to do (How often can I clean the house or weed the flower beds?). I work on my writing, but can type only for so long before my hands get tired due to arthritis. Plus, remaining sedentary isn’t healthy and the current heat wave is keeping me inside.

As I mentioned, Cups is also the suit of intuition. As I’ve been walking this path and opening up spiritually, I’ve been noticing my intuition has been growing stronger. I’m often in awe of what I’m experiencing and often doubt myself. Yet, the coincidences that I experience occur in such numbers that it would be hard to explain them rationally as sheer coincidences. I sometimes feel like the Knight of Cups himself as I experience and grow with this new ability; young (in the ability), somewhat unsure of myself, feeling intimidated yet awestruck at the same time.

And now that I'm aware of it, what do I do with it?

So, perhaps that was the Knight’s message; just an emotionally turbulent month all around. 

September should be real fun, the Two of Swords; blinded by conflicting thoughts and ideas. Oh, joy.

Two of Swords,
New Palladini Tarot

Too Gay or Not Gay Enough?

I don’t keep it a secret that I am gay.

I also don’t run around shoving my gayness in other people’s faces.

I also don’t keep it a secret that I don’t identify with many of the values I see in the gay male community.

So, does that make me gay? Or not? 

Or am I a self-loathing homosexual?

I recently stumbled across a gay twitterstorm regarding a version of this meme:

The comments that followed were unbelievable. The vast majority of them called the user a self-loathing homosexual because his tweet suggested that men who appear to force their gayness upon others were not deserving of his respect.

While a few comments seemed to support the original tweeter, there were a few. Very few.

Full disclosure: I did not respond to any of the tweets and yes, I was a bit put off by the meme itself finding it to be judgmental. But, it was the comments of "self-loathing" aimed at the original user that also bothered me.

One response that resonated with me simply re-posted the meme with the words “DO NOT” crossed out and replaced with the word “ALSO.”

I was recently re-watching an episode of Grace and Frankie, a Netflix original program revolving around two women, Grace and Frankie, who find themselves thrown together when their husbands, Robert and Sol respectively, come out of the closet and announce their love for each other and that they’d been in an ongoing, yet secret, relationship for nearly twenty years. In this episode, Robert and Sol were planning their wedding and had asked another gay couple to prepare some appetizers for a tasting. During the episode, it was revealed that twelve years prior Robert had slept with one of the other men during a period of time when both Robert and Sol were still married to their wives, but had broken up in their own relationship. The conflict became centered on, not if but when Robert should have told Sol about the indiscretion; right after it happened while they weren’t actually speaking to each other or soon after getting back together? And for dramatic effect as well, the reveal happened while the other man and his partner were in Robert and Sol’s kitchen preparing their appetizers. Needless to say, the overdramatic, yet tenderhearted Sol reacted very angrily not just because he was never told about it in the first place, but also because up until that moment, they had only kissed or slept with each other. There had been no other men in their lives before they fell in love. They believed in monogamy. 

Yet, my problem with the whole situation was not with Robert and Sol, but with the other couple, Peter and Jeff. As Sol was throwing them out of their house, Jeff, the other man in question, commented “It was just one night and we weren’t even compatible” totally downplaying Sol's emotions and suggesting infidelity is no big deal. After Sol comments that it’s not the compatibility he’s concerned about, the following dialogue ensues:

Peter, nonchalantly: “My God, what’s the point of being gay?”
Sol, sarcastic: “I didn’t know there was a point.”
Jeff, lighthearted: “I mean if we can’t shed some of the conventions of hetero life, where's the fun?”
Sol, pointedly: “I’m not gay to shed conventions; I’m gay because I love this man. The one you just said you didn’t care too much about sleeping with.”

What turned me off to Peter and Jeff was their apparent judgment of Sol for being so hurt and not, in their opinion, accepting of the lifestyle they chose to live or living it himself. This was also apparent by the side glances and side-eye they gave each other during the conversation.

I was very moved by Sol’s last line, “I’m not gay (in order) to shed conventions. I’m gay because I love this man.” Parentheses added for emphasis.

Isn’t that what being gay is, being able to love someone of your same gender? And not just hook up? I believe we are gay for who we love, who we are attracted to. We don't have to live the same lifestyle as one another for familiarity breeds contempt. If we all live our lives in the same way, then don't we become familiar with everyone else because we all have similar values and/or social mores?

In a community that espouses diversity and inclusion, I feel we fall somewhat short. We are all on our personal journey to our own self-awareness.

Does it matter if someone wears rainbow everything? That is where they are, not you.

Does it matter if someone focuses their life around hooking up? That is their path. Just hope they are playing safely.

Does it matter if someone prefers an open relationship? You don’t have to.

Does it matter if someone dresses like a "clown" to prove their gayness? It doesn’t mean you have to. And isn’t that being a bit judgmental by applying the word ‘clown’ to someone’s choice of clothing?

I may be wrong, but doesn’t it seem a bit judgmental to be putting someone down for being different? Or for not living up to your standards? Weren't we all judged and bullied for being different? Isn’t that what we say to those who judge us for simply being who we are-judge not, lest ye be judged? Yes, we love differently, so what? Then, isn’t it somewhat hypocritical to judge someone for being different within a community that allegedly celebrates its own differences and diversity?

So, some of us are promiscuous rainbow-wearing gay men who prefer open relationships and random hookups. And some of us aren’t. Most of us fall somewhere in between. And that’s okay.

And, gasp! Some of us might even fall somewhere along the asexual/aromantic spectrum. And that’s okay, too.

And just because they aren’t where you are, doesn’t mean they loathe themselves.

They just have a different understanding of who they are.

Which is perfectly okay.

Or have to act like?

July's Challenges

The card I drew for July for my New Year Spread way back in January was the Seven of Rods, also known as the Seven of Wands in the traditional Rider-Waite-Smith deck.

7 of Wands
New Palladini Tarot

We see a figure wearing a plumed helmet with protective neck gear so we can assume he might be preparing for or is already engaged in a battle of some kind. He stands behind a rock and is holding a large rod in a somewhat defensive pose. Perhaps he is guarding or protecting something of value. Six other rods appear in the foreground. We don’t know if they are a first line of defense or are actually trying to take what the man in the image is protecting. Regardless, he is being defensive in case of a challenge. 

When I first saw this card for July, I was apprehensive. What would I be challenged about? And by whom? Why would I need to be defensive? What possible stance would I have to take?

I kept waiting all month for the shoe to drop. 

It never did.

Yet, as I reflect here, the last few weeks have been challenging energy-wise.

There was a solar eclipse visible only in the Southern Hemisphere, a lunar eclipse as well and Mercury went retrograde in Cancer, the sign of emotions.

Astrologically speaking, eclipses can bring things into the open or up from the depths. As eclipses are a change from the regular pattern, they want us to break out of our regularity and shake things up a bit. Eclipses occur while the sun is in an astrological sign which adds that element to the energy, so a lunar eclipse in Sagittarius will be different than a lunar eclipse in Taurus. Likewise, solar eclipses always occur during a full moon, while lunar ones occur on the new moon. This solar eclipse was in emotional Cancer suggesting a further opening up of emotions often held buried and the Lunar eclipse was in the hardworking sign of Capricorn, bringing to light some changes in work habits or attitudes towards work and success.

A planet goes retrograde when, during its orbit, it appears to be going backwards as Earth swings by it in its own orbit. As Mercury is the planet of communication-he was the messenger of the gods, after all-communication can also be going backward leading to possible miscommunication and misunderstanding. A retrograde can also serve as a way to revisit parts of our personality, path or other area we might need to work on. Or work on again.

I definitely felt some old anxieties come back up which I thought I had let go, but obviously hadn’t. Plus, I had definitely noticed a change in communication in a few friends so, I was just careful not to misinterpret what I thought I heard them say. And I also generally felt edgy for most of the month.

I also reverted back to some old sleeping patterns where I wake up after a few hours’ sleep and then try to get back to sleep. I usually do, but am groggy the rest of the day.

On a plus side, I did finally finish a story I had been working on for about a year. Now I just have to type it out, revise and edit it, then figure out what I will do with it. 

Maybe the message from the Seven of Rods was just that the month itself was going to be challenging and I needed to be on the defensive because of the Mercury retrograde.

Regardless, the month is over and I move on to August and a reversed Knight of Cups. Now that could something to be apprehensive about.

Knight of Cups
New Palladini Tarot

Friendly? Reminders

Lately, it seems a few people have popped back into my life after being MIA for a while. That happens. Life takes us in different paths so we may outgrow relationships. Sometimes those paths cross back again.

I, too, have often wondered what happened to someone who was once a part of my life. But, I usually let those thoughts go as sometimes there are old wounds that have healed and my intuition tells me it’s best not to pick at that scab. The scars left behind are reminders enough.

Still, it was nice catching up with them and seeing what they’ve been up to.

Yet, it wasn’t so pleasant finding out about some other members of that circle who had also drifted away over the years.

Apparently, two members of this one little circle have crossed over to a different plane of existence just within the last year. It still came as a surprise but, in reality, wasn’t unexpected. At least for one of them.

I filed this all away in the back of my head. After all, I hadn’t seen one of them for about 8 years and hadn’t been in touch with the other for about 6.

And I went about my days. 

Recently, I had a sudden urge to find two particular photographs my grandfather had taken of me as an infant. Whenever we were together, he would take pictures of me and then file them away in an album. Being a photographer with his own developer and dark room, he’d make multiple copies in various sizes and then send copies to my mother and she would file them away in her own album. He also had done this for each of his grandchildren.  When he passed and my grandmother moved into a smaller residence, my aunt and her family had the laborious task of cleaning out my grandparents’ house. She sent me the album my grandfather had made of me. At one point, my mother began downsizing her own house so, I now have two of them and therefore lots of duplicate and triplicate photos.

It was interesting to see my life through his lens.

Neither picture that I was looking for was in either book. Yet, I know they exist. And I will find them if I’m meant to have them.

While I was searching through these books, and all the other photographs I have stored in a big box, I came across an envelope with some forgotten snapshots from the time we committed my first partner’s ashes to the sea. 

And in that particular envelope were pictures with the two friends who had recently passed on. Plus a third who had passed on years before. 

Hearing that they had passed was one thing. Now seeing them in these pictures with all of us together at that particular event was another and it hit me a bit harder.

Realizing these most recent two were close to my age at the times of their passing was also a bit of a shock.

It became a reminder of my own mortality. 

It was also a reminder that I’m at that age where this will become more common.

I remember first getting the alumni magazine from my college and reading about classmates who got married. Time went on and then I was reading about their children and subsequent grandchildren. Occasionally, there would be the tragic accident or rare passing due to disease taking someone way too young. Now, it seems it may be the obituaries I’ll scan. Or not. It feels morbid even if it’s part of life. Who’s still here and who isn’t?

And regardless, time and life will march on seemingly oblivious to us all.

Or, maybe time and life are not as oblivious and this is a necessary phase of life.

As uncomfortable as it may be.

(Yes, I know I should digitally store the photos and one day I will get around to it, but there are probably thousands of pictures of all types to sort through and decide which ones are worth keeping.)

Nine Cups for June

The traditional
Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot

With all the Pentacle excitement the two previous months, the 10 for April and the King in May-all suggesting happiness, abundance, generosity, and possible income-the 9 of Cups for June was also suggesting a continuance of good feeling. Some traditional associations for the card are contentment, satisfaction and feeling fulfilled.

Traditional depictions of this card show a smiling nobleman sitting in front of a table laden with nine golden cups or chalices. Other depictions show a feast in addition to the cups. So, we can see the idea of contentment and satisfaction. Some other readers also believe this is the “wishes fulfilled” card as the gentleman seems very content in this scene and Cups is the suit of the heart, after all. 

New Palladini Tarot

While I can’t recall any particular wishes coming true as I didn’t wish for anything specific and there were a few difficult moments in June (there are always a couple, regardless of the month and card), overall it was a pretty peaceful month as far as I can remember. I really should journal a bit better for these recollection posts.

Yet, perhaps the idea here was to be content with what I have and not appear to be greedy. I mean, with the 10 and King of Pentacles back to back, it would be hard not to anticipate/wish/hope for more. Maybe my outlook for the month (and hereafter) should be "I have what I need, and need what I have." Gratitude is indeed a virtue and I am grateful for my many blessings.

Yet, the Wheel of Fortune keeps turning and all good things wind down. The next few cards, and therefore months, seem to suggest a slightly different turn. The 7 of Wands-defensive posturing, fending off challenges, maintaining one’s success-is the card for July.

Sounds intriguing, if not just a bit ominous, like the lull before the storm. 

Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot

And with the first few days of the month under way, it's going to be a doozy of a month...

Triggers

A recent conversation triggered some deep-seated emotions I thought I had overcome. 

Well, surprise!

They showed up again.

So, now I’m trying a new approach to some of these older, oft-recurring, emotions. 

Gentle confrontation.

I believe we get triggered for a reason. 

Apparently I had just buried these feelings rather than dealing with and releasing them completely in spite of the countless hours and dollars I've spent in therapy. And still am. 

Yet, I’m glad they came up. 

Growing up in a broken and dysfunctional family while moving frequently, I developed abandonment issues. They were so deep that before coming out, I swore I’d never get divorced. I would stay married for the sake of any children. This attitude was also influenced by my being a practicing Christian; Christians don't get divorced. Or, so I was indoctrinated. To be perfectly honest, I'm surprised I even wanted to pursue a relationship, let alone have a family. Even after coming out and dealing with my Christianity, I was determined to stay with my future partner till death parted us.

When my first serious relationship with a man stopped working, I still couldn’t leave him and even when he was diagnosed with HIV and told me he wanted me to go live my life, I still couldn’t. (There were other underlying issues for me there, as well.) In my second relationship, I saw some red flags early on and thought we could work on them. We didn’t. We eventually were legally married. Years later, when I fell into a deep depression, I didn’t suspect the relationship was the cause, but rather, my stagnant life. It wasn’t until after everything was finalized that I realized the relationship itself had been a big factor in my depression. Still, he was the one who left.

 

After that point in my life I believed I had come to accept that when people left me, it had more to do with them, than with me. I still believe that.

Yet, even so, I was triggered the other day.

The old childhood feelings came back and I projected them onto others. 

I'd recalled leaving messages for people who took years to return them, if they did return them at all. And the hurt came flooding back.

A close social media friend suddenly disappeared without a trace. I sent an email and received a two word reply. Subsequent emails went unanswered. Ok, so he wants to be left alone, he’s dealing with some issues. Got it. But it still hurt. 

Another friend got a bit busier than he recently had been and wasn’t replying to messages as quickly as before. With all this happening so suspiciously after the conversation, I stopped to ask, “Why? What am I supposed to learn here?” After all, I believe things happen for a reason, if only to move us in a newer and better direction or to learn a lesson. Or both.

The first lesson I felt I needed to learn was that everything isn’t what it seems. While I still haven’t heard from the one who disappeared, the busier friend is just that. Busier than usual.

The second lesson I learned was that I still need to work on overcoming these abandonment issues.

The third lesson is to stop reacting to everything. If everything isn't what it seems, does it merit a reaction? Maybe yes, maybe no. Reacting can lead to overthinking which can lead to overreacting which can lead to over-overthinking and, voilà, a vicious cycle has been born.

And that’s where gentle confrontation comes in. 

I sit with the emotion. I allow it to be present. I don’t allow it to overtake me. Okay, I try not to let it overtake me. I ask it, “What triggered you? Why are you here?" The reply, which of course is coming from deep within, tells me what I need to work on in order to calm the subsequent anxiety connecting itself to the initial reaction.

I know, easier said than done. 

But, hey, I’m trying. 

Pride 2019

It’s June.

LGBT+ Pride Month.

The full acronym is getting a bit long; so, I’ll just leave it as LGBT+, yet I hope I don’t offend anyone by leaving out their representative letter(s).

It’s like the world sprung rainbow everything on June 1. 

And that leads me to this very touchy post. 

I haven’t been to an actual Pride celebration for a few years. It’s not that I’m not proud to be gay. I’m proud to be me with everything that entails. I believe visibility is necessary and has had a positive impact for the younger generations. While Pride celebrations aren’t for everyone for a variety of reasons, there are a few reasons I don’t go, and I’ve blogged in detail about those reasons in past posts. But, here is a short reminder: the over-sexualization, the hypermasculinization, unwanted advances and the large crowd in small, cramped places can lead to extreme sensory overload.

But, what I really wanted to share was about celebrating Pride in the other gay neighborhoods; the shopping malls.

I went for a walk the other day in my local mall as it was too hot to walk in my favorite parks.  One of the first stores near the entrance had a nice window display with a glitter rainbow heart. Very sweet. I was touched. I felt seen. When I first came out, we didn’t even have an LGBT+ Pride month, the acronym consisted of only two letters, the parades were more political than festive, and the rainbow was just beginning to be widely used as an LGBT+ Pride symbol. I am from the Lambda/Pink Triangle generation. Seeing all this on display in a mall shows some progress. 

A few doors down, another store had a window display showing various tee-shirts with LGBT+ affirming slogans, while a store farther along the way had other rainbow themed clothing. In fact, about 5 of the 170 stores had a Pride display and/or merchandise. (As it was nearing 100°F, I stayed inside and didn’t check the outside shops.) 

While I applaud these stores who do honor Pride, I also wonder what their motivation is. I can hope they affirm their employees wherever they fall along the entire LGBT+ spectrum. It’s also not hard to see commercialization as a powerful reason to “celebrate” Pride, especially when all I could find in one store in their pride merchandise was a rainbow decorated tube of hand lotion. 

FULL DISCLOSURE: I did not enter each store to thoroughly search their merchandise, but drew my possibly erroneous conclusions based only what was visible in the front displays. 

Yet, I wonder how promoting a rainbow decorated tube of hand lotion promotes LGBT+ Pride. And from a candle store yet. I can understand how wearing a tee-shirt or rainbow colored spandex bicycle shorts would increase one’s visibility, but hand lotion? It can’t be the scent? What would Pride smell like? The aroma of the marchers after the miles-long parade in the hot sun? The fragrance of the beer spilled all over the various dance floors? Or would it just be lavender scented? And how would a non-LGBT+ person tell it was Pride lotion? Does it turn rainbow colored when applied? Does it contain glitter?

Again, I am truly grateful to these stores for celebrating LGBT+ Pride month, and I feel honored and respected that they do, but I must ask this one other burning question? Do they also honor the other Pride and History months as well? African-American History in February? Women’s History in March? Asian-American History in May? Hispanic Heritage in September/October? Disability Awareness in October? Native American History during November? I see plenty more opportunities for commercialization here as well. 

Yes, my cynicism shows. I own that. I do feel honored these companies want to do something, as have many companies in the past. A few years ago, Nabisco revealed a print ad for Pride month featuring a six layered Oreo cookie, one layer of each color of the rainbow flag and the slogan “June 25 | PRIDE." They drew flack for it. A couple of years later, Burger King unveiled a Pride Whopper. No, the meat wasn’t multicolored, the wrapper was. It featured the then-six colors of the rainbow flag with one word written on each of the colored stripes: We. Are. All. The. Same. Inside. They, too, took flack. 

Other companies have had television or print ads featuring same-sex couples; Campbell’s Soups, Calvin Klein Jeans and IKEA, to name a few. And yes, they all took heat and threats of boycotts. But, none backed down. But, to be honest, I also don't recall seeing similar ads in subsequent years. 

Yes, support matters. It also matters in larger circumstances than just during Pride month. The former Starbucks CEO, Howard Schultz, suggested what one shareholder could do with his shares when the shareholder expressed his belief that the company’s decision to support same-sex marriage would hurt his returns. It’s not clear whether the shareholder followed through with Schultz' suggestion that he was free to sell his shares if he felt he was in danger of losing money. Schultz went on to say some corporate decisions are not solely based on economics. (Source in link below.)

Let’s hope the other companies are putting our money where their mouth is and speaking up for all of us. Because everyone I mentioned above can also fall along the LGBTQQIAP spectrum.

Now, I need my Venti, extra hot, almond milk, no-foam caffe mocha. 

To read an account of Schultz' response to the shareholder, click here.


To view a Wikipedia article on various LGBT+ symbols, click here.