Lately I have been wondering if my friend was right. After my blog on my anxiety attack, she commented privately she thought my anxiety was a sign I was suppressing my true feelings regarding a relationship (or maybe even just a fling); that I really wanted one, but was denying it. I went one step further and agreed she may have a point, and acknowledged I may be denying it out of a multitude of fears.
I'd like to add here, I've had anxiety attacks as far back as 1986. I understand anxiety is a fear of the unknown; worrying about the future. I do accept the fact there is nothing I can do to change or control it, so what gives? Maybe it's a fear of the future turning out like the past.
Following our conversation, I did begin thinking about what she said. And blogged about it.
I then caught up with a second friend, who gave me yet another point to consider. He asked how much of my idle time I spent thinking about a relationship. After I calmed myself down from laughing over the concept of idle time; after all, I have so little of it between my commute, my approximately 50 hour work week, managing my house and yard, attending to my aging cat, working on my second, third and fourth novels, trying to fit in some exercise, socializing with friends, and taking some time for me, I thought about what he said. After a day or two, I realized I don't think about a relationship, I fantasize about it:
- What would it be like if he were honest and didn't play games?
- What would it be like if I came home and he had dinner ready for me?
- What would it be like if he rolled over in bed and put his arm around me and just held me close?
- What would it be like if I sat on the sofa playing Words with Friends as he massaged my aching feet?
- What would it be like if we went for a walk on the beach?
- What would it be like if we could talk and share our hopes and our fears?
- What would it be like if he knew how to listen?
- What would it be like if we sat quietly, each of us reading a book? (Maybe each other's?)
- What would it be like if we took the time to explore each other's heart, mind, and soul before exploring each other's body?
- What would it be like if he first wanted to be my friend, then my boyfriend, then my husband?
- What would it be like if he helped me through an anxiety attack?
- What would it be like if he understood my fears because he has the same ones?
It would all be wonderful.
I feel I am open to the idea of a relationship; but maybe not to the actuality of one, and maybe not at this time. I am experiencing major changes in my life right now. While change is a good thing, mostly; too much change all at once can be overwhelming. And the beginning stages of a relationship when I'm trying to figure out what he means by what he says or does drives me up a tree and a wall at the same time.
I'm currently gathering confidence to work on a new novel, a very complicated one for my second piece, and that has me flustered because I'm not exactly sure I know what I'm doing or how to proceed. I've always been a logical, linear thinker- wanting to know what I'm doing and how to do it. Even though I have received very supportive suggestions and ideas from a great group of local writers, it's still daunting because of the theme, and plots, and as I explore the characters, I'm exploring myself. And maybe that's what I need to do before I can get to know someone else.
And, maybe it's all right to learn as I go. After all, isn't life itself a learning experience?
Who knows what I'll find and learn along the way?
Hopefully more about myself:
As a writer;
As a gay person;
As a man.