Resilience

I went for a walk the the other day in one of my regular places. I needed to get out of the house as I was both bored and feeling a bit anxious. Plus, the exercise wouldn’t hurt either. 

I like walking in this park because it has some hiking trails in the foothills not far from my house. Even though it also has some nice manicured areas with some picnic tables, I do feel I connect to nature here, whether it’s manicured or left on its own.

I don’t have music playing while I walk in any of the parks I visit as I like to listen to the birds chattering away and hear the wind in the trees. Plus, if I have music playing, I might miss the buzzing of the bees or the warning of a Southern Pacific rattlesnake. I have encountered a few of the residents along my walks; house sparrows, California quail, ground squirrels, black Phoebes, a bush rabbit, mule deer and scrub jays. So far, a Western Fence lizard is the only reptile I’ve encountered. 

On one occasion, a coyote ran across the main lawn area, stopped suddenly and, well, left some natural fertilizer on the grass, giving me a rare glimpse into its life. Lucky me. 

After the fire, Oct, 2019

In October 2019, the Saddleridge fire destroyed much of the  natural areas of the park, leaving it closed for a period of time. I’ve visited the park a handful of  times since it reopened and this last time I was struck by Mother Nature’s resilience.

My first visit after the fire

The park is coming back to life, however slowly.

We can learn so much from Mother Nature.

She bounces back after every disaster; wildfire, hurricane, tornado, earthquake or tsunami. In some cases, the disasters are what is needed to keep her in balance. 

We are just as resilient, if we believe ourselves to be.

I’ve been a bit down and/or anxious lately, not sure why. Perhaps it’s the current political and social climate in the US. Perhaps it’s sensing a change in direction in my life, a direction I never anticipated. Or maybe it’s the approaching super full moon in Leo.

The reason why isn’t important, but what is important is recognizing my own resilience and surging forward.

However long it may take.

New growth in a burned tree
Feb. 2020

Feb. 2020

Feb. 2020

Feb, 2020

Feb. 2020

Photos courtesy of Jeffrey Ballam

The Knight of Swords Reversed

Radiant Tarot from
US Games

The first month of 2020 is over, so it’s time to check in with the card in my New Year reading which was the Knight of Swords, Reversed.

I must say I’ve been a bit puzzled as to what the Knight could teach me and as I tried to keep notes during the month, I felt stumped. But, I did come up with something.

First, what is his general message?

Swords is the suit of the mind and therefore suggests whatever goes on up in our heads; thoughts, ideas, logic, reason, knowledge and learning. Swords can also represent truth, communication and even justice, as true justice relies on facts and reason.

For me, the knights, in general, represent the age of those who have finished their "book learning" and are just setting out on their life quest; e.g., the rookie cop just out of the academy or the recent college graduate out to shake up the world with newfound knowledge as it relates to the theme of their suit. They just lack the life experience to either buoy their confidence or to help reign in their (over)enthusiasm therefore, they can be a bit unpredictable, anywhere from too naive to too hell-bent to fix the problems of the world as they see it in terms of their suit; in this case with the Knight of Swords, it’s his thoughts, ideas, and reasons which will make the world a better place. The Knight is brandishing a sword as he charges forward on his horse. Unlike the other knights of the deck, his horse is in full gallop ready to take his message the masses. So, he can be a bit of an aggressive know-it-all and definitely wants to be heard. And taken seriously.

Bianco Nero Tarot by
Marco Proietto

Yet, this Knight is reversed in my reading, which suggests I’m holding myself back from charging forward for some reason.

It finally dawned on me why that might be.

I grew up in a racist, misogynistic, homophobic, conservative home and I was expected to espouse those same values when among my friends. I have a memory from my early teens where I can clearly recall my stepfather saying those words in the dining room of our house. My first thought was “And how are you going to follow us around all day to make sure we do?” Innately, I also knew he was full of more than just shit. I knew I dare not express this thought out of fear of being slammed through the wall. Okay, maybe the idea of being slammed through a wall was a bit of a stretch, but the fear was very real. So, I learned to just keep my mouth shut.

Which meant I also learned that whatever I had to say would not be heard nor valued.

It’s a message that still resonates with me today.

And a lesson I still need to work on.

I recently posted a blog on this very subject where people express their concern for me. When I explain why I choose to live how I do, they ignore my explanations and continue their unsolicited advice about my life.

I am not heard.

Bianco Nero Tarot by
Marco Proietto

It hurts.

I’ve learned to shut up. 

I’m working on not getting triggered.

Some novels I’ve been working on have a deep spiritual message which seems to run very contradictory to the mainstream gay community. I’ve stopped working on them out of fear I won’t be heard, received poorly or highly criticized for my unconventional views.

I need to let that go and just write the stories for me; for my own catharsis.

So, I need to upright this Knight of Swords and just write. With the High Priestess at the center of this reading, I need to channel her energies of listening to and trusting my inner voice, put on my armor, get on my horse and charge forth brandishing my message.

And just trust that those who need to hear my message will.

And learn to let those those words which may criticize my message fall away under my horse's hooves.

Now let’s see what the 4 of Pentacles has in store for me in February. 

Bianco Nero Tarot by
Marco Proietto