As I have mentioned in a couple of recent posts, I'm sorta, kinda, entering the shark-infested dating pool, hoping to find that bottle-nosed dolphin among the hammerheads. And not get too badly beaten up in the process.
I've also said I sense something is afoot, whether that dolphin is about to swim into my life or not, or maybe it's something else entirely, I just don't know, it's just my intuition.
Regardless, all of the above stirs up a couple of things in me: fear, and his twin brother, anxiety.
I figure I have two basic choices: flight or fight. I can run from them, giving them control until the next time they show up. And then I'm faced with the flight or fight dilemma again. Or, I can fight them which is an energy draining struggle. While I want to emerge victorious, I may be too exhausted from the battle to savor my victory until much later. And by then it may not have as much meaning.
But, I have a novel approach I want to try. I'm going to invite those troublesome twin bitches in for a frank discussion. I will take them out to par-tay! I will not only party with them, I will embrace my fears and anxieties and make them as much a part of me as I can! Let's face it, they already are. They are me. I am them. We are a living threesome.
And we always will be.
Me: So, you're back. Why?
Fear: You invited us. You're thinking about asking someone out for a future date.
Me: So I am. Let's talk.
Fear: Why did you invite me?
Me: I'm afraid he'll say yes and then won't show, or he won't like me.
Anxiety: And me?
Me: I'm afraid he will.
Anxiety: Will what?
Me: Both. Show up and like me.
F & A (in unison): Ah. And if he does....
Me: He'll want a second date.
Me: And maybe a third, and maybe living together.
F: Yeah? And?
Me: He might change his mind after that.
A: Have you ever thought he might be having these same thoughts about you?
Me: I don't want to get into his head. It only feeds you two.
A: Seems we may have our work cut out for us, now!
Me: (Blushes) um, I'm right here.
F: Yeah, we know, we're not stupid.
A: So, back to your boyfriend.
Me: He's not my boyfriend!
A: (Teasingly) Yet.
F: It's just a dinner. That's all, just a meal with a man who wants to get to know you.
Me: Yeah, I guess it is just that.
A: (tauntingly) For now!
Me: I'm going to smack you.
A: Ooh, an aggressive top! I like that! He might too.
Me: I'm not going there.
Me: Having sex.
F & A (together): Someday you're going to have to.
Me: And I'll deal with you two bitches then.
F: (sneeringly) We'll be waiting.
A: With bells on!
Me: Why am I not surprised?
I might as well as learn to embrace these two bitches, and their kid brother, Depression (who usually shows up after I've given in to those other two) as they will always be a part of me. They are a part of life. After all, by embracing them and by honestly conversing with them, I will learn so much more about my true authentic self.
All of life's decisions involve some fear and anxiety. It's normal. It's only human. If I didn't have these feelings, I'd be a bit more worried.
It seems I'm tied to those bitches forever.
They're just part of life.
And, I'm tired of them messing with me.