Friday, October 20, 2017

Struggles

I know we all have our personal preferences;
  • Red wine or white? 
  • Dark chocolate or milk? 
  • Madonna or Cher?
I also know we all have our personal beliefs when it comes to politics.

Yet, I have been struggling lately; especially with this last one.

As I have been walking this newer path, or at least trying to, I seem to have hit a wall, which, I know, is normal. But, this is a difficult wall to climb. It’s also a very painful one.


In his book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz shares some ancient Toltec wisdom to help bring peace and enlightenment for us to live by in order to better today’s society. There are four agreements that he says the ancient Toltecs lived by:
  1. Be impeccable with your word.
  2. Take nothing personally.
  3. Make no assumptions.
  4. Always do your best.
Two of those I can easily live with.

Two of those I struggle with, especially in today’s very difficult times.

In Buddhist Boot Camp, Timber Hawkeye describes his journey to spiritual understanding. He has stripped away all the trappings of Buddhism as a religion and presented the results, the basic tenets, as an inspirational guide for each of us to be a better person regardless of our personal faith.

In it, he explains Buddhism teaches that the opposite of what I know to be true, is also true. It's just true for someone else. And that’s when the conflicts begin; when we try to impose our truth on someone else whose truth is different than ours, then they resist which we sometimes take personally. "Can’t they see I’m right?"

Years ago, a colleague of mine was very supportive when my husband divorced me. "You deserved better, you were too good for him," she’d say. I felt safe (to an extent) with her. She later openly stated her opposition to same-sex marriage. (This was before the US Supreme Court decision.) When I called her out on her stance, she cited her religious views and claimed it wasn’t personal.

"Bullshit," I said. Even though she was coming from her place of truth, it subjugated me to second-class status as it denied me the same rights accorded by marriage that she takes for granted. How can I not take that personally? Yet, we were both still coming from our respective places of truth. We never came to an understanding. In 2015, the US Supreme Court ruled in favor of same-sex couples and the right to marry. I'm not sure how she accepted that ruling. I was so overcome with emotions, I framed the LA Times and hung it proudly in my entryway.

With the current stepped up verbal, political and violent attacks against the LGBTQIA community, how can anyone not take it personally when votes are cast against us? Especially when those votes come from those close to us?

It is indeed a struggle. I have to ask myself, "Are these individuals actually acting to hurt me and the LGBTQIA community? Are they marking their ballot specifically to spite me?" Letting go of the disappointment that they don’t 'see the light' of the pain they are causing me is difficult. While we are relatively safe in California against anti-discrimination laws, other states still have laws on the books allowing an employer to simply dismiss a worker because of their personal life. And other countries are indeed far worse.

Sometimes I question whether it's worth my energy to talk to these individuals. Will they see my side and see that I am right? Will they at least listen to my argument that "We the People" does indeed mean EVERYBODY? In my early years of activism, I learned when to give up on a lost cause. I have learned when someone will at least listen and maybe take my side into consideration. I try to keep that distinction in mind.

At a recent meeting of my LGBTQIA writers' group, I noticed some word art on the walls of the home where we were meeting. One particular piece that caught my eye said something like "I get wherever I need to go, I get whatever I need." Or something to that effect.

The next day, an article appeared in my Facebook timeline, newsfeed, or whatever they’re calling it this week. The article was titled Feeling Offended by Anything (or Anyone) is a Choice. The author, Jacky Exton, believes that we assign our value to others’ opinions. For example, if someone said I was a lousy teacher, I’d be offended because I define myself as a teacher. But, if someone said I was a lousy flamenco dancer, I wouldn’t take offense because I don’t define myself as a flamenco dancer. So, we define ourselves by external labels and then value ourselves by how other people see us in those labels.

I define myself as a citizen of the United States. I have been taught I am entitled to the same unalienable rights as every other citizen of this nation. I also define myself as gay. Yet, others don’t believe that LGBTQIA citizens are entitled to those exact same unalienable rights. They vote for parties and candidates who want to take them away. How am I not supposed to be offended? How can I not take this personally? 

More importantly, how, amongst all this, am I to maintain peace of mind?

When people look at their ballot, they have a lot to consider. They bring in a lot of questions, thoughts, and ideas from their personal truths. Do they stop and think about all the individuals in their lives and how their votes will affect each of them? Most likely not. I have a hard time thinking that my friends mark their ballots specifically for anti-LGBTQIA parties and candidates in order to spite me. Wouldn’t that be an assumption if I thought they really did vote that way? It would.

Does it still hurt? Yes. 

Buddhism also teaches that we can’t control others’ actions, but only our own reactions.

So, it’s up to me to choose how to react;
  • I can do nothing at all or,
  • I can make assumptions and take things personally which I could internalize and ruminate or,
  • I can be righteously indignant and turn that into action or,
  • I can continue to learn to value myself as I see my self.
So, it seems I got what I needed from that article when I needed it.

This may not help me alleviate the pain and disappointment right now, but it’s giving me a road map to get me where I need to go.





Both "The Four Agreements" and "Buddhist Boot Camp" are available on Amazon.com

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Hot Cocoa



Hello, little one, it’s been a while since we’ve had a chat. How are you doing? Would you like some cocoa?

Here you go. Careful, it’s hot. 

You’re welcome. 

Hm?

Yes, things have been difficult lately, haven’t they? And for both of us. So, what’s bothering you?

I see; you’re afraid. Afraid of what? 

Oh, afraid he’ll leave. Well, that’s always a possibility that we can’t control. We have lost a few, haven’t we?

Well, he died because he was ill. I think of it like this; he had fulfilled his journey here on Earth and also with us and it was his time. I don’t know how else I can explain it. But we were able to move on.

What about the others?

Wait. What? 

No, it was never your fault! You must never think that. You never did anything wrong! Come here, let me hold you. There. Shhh…It was always something to do with them, you must remember that. They reached a point where they had to go off on their own. Can you think of it like this: we were helping them grow, and they reached a point where they could grow no further? They were afraid of what they might find; what they might discover. So, they ran.

In a way, yes. They were afraid of themselves.

Oh my, little one, yes. This last one was excruciatingly painful. But, look at the risk we did take. We should be proud of ourselves for opening our hearts again. But, look at what he has to overcome.

Yes, in a way it does make sense, but no, it doesn’t ease the pain. We wish him well. 

Yes, always. Here dry your eyes.

Yeah, he was. He was very special; he always will be. 

What was that sigh about?

The future? What about it?

Yes, learning to trust again will be hard. But, in time I think we can. Besides, the future will be what it will be. We can't change it.

What?

That's true. Not everyone has to understand us. Or accept us. And not everyone will. And that's okay. We just have to understand and accept ourselves.

Yes, it hurts. But, we will surround ourselves with those that love us and accept us and we'll be fine.

Yes, the future is scary. It's scary because we don't know what's coming. But you know what? I’m here right beside you. Here, take my hand. Can I tell you something? 

Okay, here goes. Feelings are normal. Adults can get scared, too.

Yes, we do. And we acknowledge the feeling and then we try our best to work through it. Or with it.

Feel better?

Only a little?

Hey, I will never let you down. I am here with you always, because you know what? We are one and the same. You are as much a part of me as I am of you. And when you begin to feel fearful, or distrustful again, I will be right here to protect you.

Yes, always...


Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Synchronicities 7

The synchronicities happening in my life have taken quite an interesting turn.

First, they were mostly sets of the same digit, appearing often; for example, 1111, 222, 777, 8888888. I'd notice them mostly on license plates, clocks, receipts, etc. I believe I have written about them before. After all, this post is titled "Synchronicities 7."

Then they added another level and became repeated combinations of 3- or 4- digits. Two threes and a one is a frequent combination, usually as 331 or 313. Two ones and two sevens is another one I see often; 1177, 1717, etc.

Also, words began appearing frequently, and usually they were connected to a young man who is very special to me. Since his first name can be used either as a noun or a verb, and his last name can be a verb, those particular words would stand out when I saw or heard them. Often they, both first and last names, would appear in a crossword puzzle I do, Daily Celebrity Crossword, and an opponent even played his last name in Words With Friends and twice the new tiles in my rack formed his first name. One might argue that I might be a bit sensitive to seeing or hearing his names being the deep connection we share(d) and in time that sensitivity would wear off. Yet, combined with all the other synchronicities happening, and the varied areas where his name appears often at random times, I believe the Universe is keeping his name front and center reminding me of our connection.

Coincidences rarely happen. However, these numbers have been appearing daily for over a year which leads me to believe this is something more than simple coincidence, especially when it happens multiple times in one day with different numbers.

Now, here's where the plot thickens. On a recent Monday, I went to my local Home Depot. I parked in a space with no cars in the space directly in front of me or to either side of that one which gave me a clear view of the cars in the next aisle over. There were two cars parked side by side with no cars for two spaces on either side of them. So, these two were by themselves. They stood out.

As I have a thing for license plates, I glanced at these two. I had already seen a plate with 111 in this same parking lot! Both cars' plates ended in the same three-digit number, 837! This was a new sequence for me; I had never noticed it before. What are the odds of two cars sitting side by side, not surrounded by other cars for at least two spaces on either side, ending in the same three digits? I would think they would be astronomical.

Later that same week on Thursday, I drove to my doctor's office for a routine visit. In less than ten minutes, from the time I entered the parking lot to the time I entered the building, I noticed 858 on three different license plates! Now, I must say I didn't go plate by plate looking for repeated number sequences as this is a huge medical facility and I was running close to my appointment time. All three plates just happened to be where I simply glanced over at them.

Some numerologists ascribe material needs or situation-finances, career, etc-to the number 8. These two combinations seemed to suggest that 1) the Universe has my back where my material situation is concerned, and that 2) a change would be coming to my material status so, I was either going to wipe out financially or win the lottery. Either way is a change. But, the Universe still has my back.

Being that these are the first two specific "messages" I've seen, I tried not to attach any hope or expectation to them. I simply acknowledged them, accepted that the Universe has my back, noted a change would be coming at some point in the future, made a mental note of gratitude and went on my day as usual.


By Friday of the same week, I had received word that one of my creditors was substantially raising my limit, a surprise windfall was deposited directly to my bank account, and I learned my pension check was increasing.

On my way to a different appointment a week later, I stopped at a Starbucks. While leaving the lot, I had to wait for a car to pull out of a spot. The license plate ended in 111. A few moments later, while driving on the freeway to the appointment, two cars passed me on the left. They were in adjacent lanes, one to my immediate left, the other to the left of that car, so for one brief moment, they were side by side. Both cars' plates ended in 777!

Sample of a finished Bonza puzzle
Synchronicities don't always involve numbers. As I've mentioned, they have also involved words. I enjoy music as I drive and was listening to an 80s station. As I was approaching this new appointment, one of my favorite songs came on and finished just as I parked my car. I was a bit early for my appointment, so I sat on a bench to while away the time. Taking out my iPhone, I decided to play a puzzle game, Bonza, that I have on both my iPhone and iPad. Now, I haven't played this app on my phone for quite some time, maybe a year at least, so this was unusual. In Bonza, there is a clue, and the answers connect via common letters, similar to a crossword. At first, the answers are broken into pieces and I have to figure out the words or phrases and where they connect. The clue to the next available puzzle in the pack was "Rick Rolled." I had no idea what that meant and as I like a nice challenge, I tapped the screen and there were the pieces of the words or phrases. As I pieced the answers together, they began forming lines from the chorus of the song I had heard just moments before; "Never Gonna Give You Up," by Rick Astley!

The facts that 1) I had just heard the song moments before; 2) I rarely play this puzzle on my phone (the screen's too small to read comfortably with my bad vision) and 3) this was the only available puzzle for me suggested this was not merely a coincidence especially since I had seen 111, twin 777s and now this new synchronicity with the song and puzzle all in about 45 minutes?

So, it seems newer number sequences are appearing simultaneously, or at least in near rapid fire succession. And now the Universe is keeping me on my toes with music and different puzzles. I will say, I am curious as to why the Universe used this song. I'm trying hard not to read anything into it, but it isn't easy.

I try to take it all in stride which is difficult given it can be quite overwhelming. I view the numbers all as affirmations that I'm on the right path for my greater good and all will be well in the end.

And if it's not well, it's not the end.

(But, that song, though...)

Please check out Bonza and Daily Celebrity Crossword for your phone or tablet. They are highly addictive!! 

"Never Gonna Give You Up" official video

Thursday, October 5, 2017

More Shame


Tower of London
I am a great believer in synchronicity, those seemingly odd coincidences that might not be so odd or coincidental after all.

Shortly after I wrote my post about shame in the gay male community, an article appeared on the Huffington Post Queer Voices page about that very topic. But, with a different angle. 

The timing was not lost on me. But, what the timing means, I have yet to discover.

The writer began by stating that as gay men we should not feel shame for having casual anonymous sex.

I agree wholeheartedly. But, NOT for the reasons the author gave. And in my eyes, he stands on very flimsy ground.

He begins his article stating that anonymous sex was a crucial part of gay men’s history and development. Okay, that much is true. For centuries the only way two men could have sex was through anonymous encounters usually meeting in clandestine locations and under the cover of darkness, or in places designed for such encounters, i.e., bathhouses. No names were exchanged because to divulge personal information could possibly lead to severe consequences-public shaming, being fired, murder. Yet, today that still happens. Casual hookups easily made from our phones through hookup apps like Grindr and Scruff have led to attacks, robberies, or worse.

He continues and states casual anonymous sex is so much a part of our gay male culture that is has been practically ingrained into our gay DNA. And that if you are single you are expected to engage in casual, sometimes anonymous, sex.

"...as a single gay man, casual sex is what I am expected to do. It is the social script written for my people.

Expected? EXPECTED? Bullfuckingshit.

The only things we are expected to do is pay our taxes and then eventually die, although some people get away without paying their taxes. 

Oh, it gets better.

"...for a gay man, his decision to engage in such behavior runs deeper than mere bodily satisfaction. It is a part of his history and identity.”

"...we continue to strengthen a sexual culture that is unique to our identity because to operate against this is to divorce ourselves from a gay past."

Hiding Place in a safe house
So, we have no control, no free will against freeing the willie. We are nothing more than mindless sexual robots fucking anonymously out of historical duty. I see.

Times change, dude. It may be part of our history and collective identity, but our individual identity is what we make of ourselves.

Sex is the essence of our being. First dates involve technical discussions of who tops and who bottoms?

We live for sex, not self-improvement? Not strengthening the mind, enlightening the spirit?

"To wait in purity for our Prince Charming is to welcome certain isolation. Worse, to abstain from this behavior is to sever what little ties connect us to our gay past.”

So, if I don’t engage in casual sex, I’m not actually gay and I will be shunned? Nor am I connected to my gay past? 

Oh, hell no.

I am connected to my past because of who and where I come from. If I were to engage in behaviors from my ancestral past, I would be a polygamous slave owner running a safe house on the Underground Railroad while awaiting my fate in the Tower of London. We cannot change the past, whether historical or ancestral. We can acknowledge it happened, learn from it and move on. 

"...gay men inhabit a society far removed from the heteronormative. We should feel no shame when engaging in these behaviors. Rather, we should feel community, camaraderie, and unity. For all the divisions that plague the gay community, casual, anonymous sex is perhaps the one commonality that binds us.

He’s right. We should feel no shame for these behaviors, nor should we feel shame for any emotionally healthy behavior we choose to engage in. But, here’s where he truly lost me. He states, "This is not the first time I have had anonymous sex, nor will it be the last. This is not the first time I have loathed the experience, nor will it be the last.

Polygamous Family
So, I have one question; why? Why continue doing something you loathe? Out of obligation to our history? Because it’s part of a community script? Because you are expected to? I have no words.

I have had a few anonymous encounters in my life. I loathed them all. Then that loathing eventually turned inward. Therapists say that if a behavior brings you pleasure, you should continue provided it is safe and healthy-meaning it doesn’t cause physical or emotional harm to you or others. In other words, no addictive behaviors, e.g. drugs, tobacco, overeating, excessive shopping. So, I stopped having anonymous casual encounters.

I do feel community, camaraderie, and unity with my gay brethren because my romantic and sexual attraction is toward my own gender. But, I do not feel community, camaraderie, and unity with my gay brethren when those same brothers try and dictate to me what is best for my greater good because they have not walked my individual path. 

I understand that some men have that need for casual anonymous sex. I don't.

Do I feel my abstaining from casual sex disconnects me from my gay history? Not any more than my not following my ancestors’ ways of life disconnects me from my heritage. 

Do I feel I am abstaining from casual sex out of some religious indoctrination? No.

Do I feel I am abstaining from casual sex out of some heteronormative ingraining? No.

Do I feel I am abstaining from casual sex out of my own personal experiences? Yes.

Do I feel I am abstaining from casual sex because I’ve determined it is for my greater good? Yes.

And no one knows better than I what is best for my greater good.

Even if I am still trying to figure it out.

As I go along...

        Day by day...

                Step by step...



To view the original article, click here.