Trees

Several years ago I made a New Year’s Resolution not to make any resolutions. They are difficult to keep much past the first week, let alone the first month. Well, for me anyway. Yes, I know it has to do with making them attainable, incremental, and not to punish yourself for slipping up. As my Weight Watchers leader would say quite frequently, “You don’t total the car for simply denting the fender.” 

Instead, I simply try to live better. With the emphasis on try. That includes nutrition, exercise, weight management, etc. All the big ones. I don’t smoke and rarely have alcohol, so those don’t count.

And I’ve added a new one, being mindful or being present.

As I’ve said before, I have hypertension and that can complicate things with Covid-19 and other health related issues. So, I try to keep myself as grounded and centered as I can to avoid raising my blood pressure. It’s not easy these days.

I think I’ve posted before that on my morning walks, I listen to my favorite music and focus on the lyrics. I have a mental sing-along in my head. I’d hate to scare any other walkers with my singing voice as the only way I can carry a tune is by transporting sheet music. Lately, I’ve discovered audiobooks, but being a visual person, I still prefer to read a book before I listen to it. So, I listen to some old favorites. I just completed a Harry Potter marathon, books 3-7. I haven’t downloaded the first two yet.

But, one thing I have also noticed lately, is that I’ve been focusing more on the trees in my neighborhood as they seem to be calling out to me. I wondered what they could be saying. Besides, it keeps my attention on them instead of the troubling thoughts galloping around in my head.

I find myself entranced by the simple elegance of a naked tree. We get to see that part of the tree we take for granted; the branches. We forget they’re there when the tree is in leaf. Now, we can see the network of branches within the canopy, months before invisible to our eyes.

The shedding of the leaves also reminds me of the invisible support we all have. Just as the branches support the leaves of the tree, we have a support system we sometimes take for granted. For some, it is their network of family and friends. For others, it consists of their higher power, their intuition, the Universe/Spirit/God plus their network of family and friends.

To see a tree standing there in all its uncovered beauty is to see a miracle of nature. We don’t get to see what the tree is truly doing deep inside. It has shed what it no longer needs in order to prepare for the new.

Can we do that? Often we purge what we don’t need in the material sense, yet turn around and acquire more. But, can we purge ourselves of the memories we no longer need? Can we rid ourselves of the triggers that set off those painful emotions? Can we control the thoughts that trespass in our heads creating scenarios that might not exist, therefore adding to our anxiety and/or depression?

Then I turn around and see the evergreens; the pines, the cypress, the ficus and assorted palms so prominent here in my neighborhood. They stand tall, often above the rest. Proudly grounded, deeply rooted in the earth, yet swaying in the breeze, their greenness helping them stand out against the blue sky and their naked cousins.

On today’s walk, what truly struck me was the juxtaposition of the deciduous with the evergreens. One so vulnerable and exposed, shedding the old to prepare for the new and the other deeply grounded in remaining true to its nature.

That has become my newest quasi-resolution:

I will try my best to shed what no longer serves me, to prepare for the new while remaining true to my nature. And standing tall.

All thanks to the trees.

I guess they were talking to me.

It seems I was listening.

All photos courtesy of Jeff Ballam.

Destiny or Fate?

Over the last few years, very few of the newer broadcast shows have failed to hold my interest. Friends suggest a show, I watch it only to find myself reaching for my iPad to play a few games. Or, better yet, a book to read. I tell my friends my impression and admit I was lost, gone, or bored silly within the first fifteen minutes. “No!" they cry, "It gets better. Give it time." I reluctantly agree to give it another try, but still, no such luck. I don’t do violence so the mass hysteria over The Walking Diaries, Vampire Thrones or The Game of Dead, or whatever they were called, was lost on me.

Plus, my retirement budget has asked me to give up cable so network shows are not readily available, regardless of how good they may be. Yes, I am aware that most major networks have their own apps for streaming but full access still comes at a price. I did find a newer show I liked but tuned in during its third season. I downloaded the network’s app only to discover the past seasons were available for a small fortune. Each.

Daniel Goddard as Dar

I discovered my Amazon Prime membership does includes streaming. The first few times I tried to access a show someone recommended, it was only available for purchase or rental. This was not the agreement I thought I had with Amazon Prime as I was under the assumption all streaming was free. Yes, I know what they say about assuming. Yet, I was delighted to find one of my favorite shows from the late 1990s on Amazon Prime. For free!!

Beastmaster tells the story of Dar, the last of his tribe. He has the gift of animal telepathy which he uses as he travels the lands of his domain helping those in distress, human and animal alike. His closest friends are Ruh, a tiger; Sharak, an eagle; and Kodo and Podo, two adorable ferrets. (But, all ferrets are adorable, in my opinion.) I’ve always been drawn to the big cats and tigers were always my favorite. Birds of Prey have also captured my interest and ferrets are so cute. (Plus, Ferret is one of the first two Spirit Guides I met!!) Since this is right up my alley, it became my show to never miss. Plus, Dar runs around wearing just a loin cloth which is a nice plus. Oh, yeah, he does have a human sidekick to keep a connection to the reality aspect of life. 

But, what has puzzled me and became one of the reasons for this post, was the use of the word fate. Overseeing Dar's world, is an old wizard called the Ancient One. He drops the word like Hansel and Gretel dropped breadcrumbs in their attempt to find their way out of the forest. He believes fate dictates what will happen to us and we have no choice to eventually accept what happens. 

Courtesy of Fine Art America

Plus, a recent conversation with a friend regarding destiny got me thinking about destiny and fate and what they actually mean. My SOTD (Severe OverThinking Disorder) strikes again. 

The ancient Greeks believed three women collectively called the Fates wove the tapestry of life thus connecting us to all that surrounds us. According to the myths, we each had a thread in this tapestry that the Fates wove. The first Fate, Clothos, added our thread to the Great Spindle when we were born. The second, Lachesis, took our thread and wove it into the tapestry and the third, Atropos, cut it from the weaving when we were no longer part of the tapestry of life, or in other words, when we died. It seemed in this myth, we also had no choice, per se.

An ancient Chinese myth tells of the red thread of destiny. Hmmm, thread again. In some versions of the myth, it's a ribbon, but still red. According to this myth, those who are destined to end up together are connected by an invisible red thread. (If it’s invisible, how do we know it’s red? See, I overthink.) This thread cannot be broken, cut or removed. The red thread of destiny also turns up in Japanese and Korean myths as well. But, what happens if you marry the person that isn’t connected to you? Allegedly, it will either be an unhappy marriage or a shorter one, because  according to the myth, no matter the circumstances, time, or whatnot, the two will eventually end up together. This kind of goes along with the Western idea of a soulmate or destined partner. It’s also similar to the Greek myth where Zeus cut the original humans who had two heads, four arms, four legs but one soul in half, then cursing us to wander for all eternity searching for our “other half.” 

The words fate and destiny have been intermingled for a while now, maybe even centuries. 

Over the past few years, I’ve come up with my own understanding of both fate and destiny, regardless of the ancients.

I believe they are not the same. In fact, I believe they are opposite each other.

I firmly believe we all have a destiny.

I believe our destiny is to be the best version of ourselves as we can. Sometimes that calls for us to face challenges and painful moments. Everything we have gone through has brought us to the present moment shaping us to be the person we are and the person we are yet to become.

I believe that out of the pain we have suffered we can grow. Yes, no pain, no gain-emotional, physical, even spiritual. We can’t have the light without the dark and vice versa. Adversity makes us stronger, that which does not kill you, there is no lotus without the mud, yada, yada, yada and all that.

Yet, we must face that pain from the past in order to heal and move beyond it in order to achieve our destiny. But, what if we don’t face that pain? What if we don’t heal? What if we don’t learn from the lessons from the past?  More on that later.

As we travel our life’s path, we often come to crossroads, i.e., dilemmas, conflicts, etc., and then have to make some decisions. Which direction do I go? We make our choice and depending what we choose we either continue on to our destiny or seal our fate.

Let me elaborate.

When we travel, we have a destination in mind. When I travel to visit my mother, my destination is Atlanta, Georgia. When I drove to work, my destination was my school. But what is our destination as we travel our life’s path? We have no physical destination which I then interpret to mean our destination is to be the best version of ourselves we can be. Can it be a mere coincidence that destination and destiny begin with the same letters?

Even Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary agrees with me defining destiny as:

1. Something to which a person or thing is destined;
2. A predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency

And destination as:

1. The purpose for which something is predetermined or destined;
2. An act of appointing, setting aside for a purpose, or predetermining;

3. 

   Courtesy of Laughtard

   A place to which someone is journeying or to which something is sent;
4. A place worthy of travel or an extended visit.

(I hate it when they use a form of the word to define the word. But, anyway…)

As we come to the crossroads and face those decisions, we still have free will to choose a direction and confront the situation or not, meaning we would remain right where we are. We might choose what may feel like the better (easier?) path only later to find out we didn’t choose wisely in which case I believe life’s obstacles would guide us back to our path.

When I met my first partner, some red flags were flying in the wind, but I was young, naive, recently out and seeking a boyfriend. He was the first man in my life to want to stay past the second date, so I ignored the red flags. We were together for nine years before he passed away. In those nine years, I was not completely happy, but just comfortable (for a while, at least). I know that there are moments in all relationships when happiness is elusive due to extraneous factors. But, since I stayed and became more unhappy as time wore on, I sealed my fate, so to speak.

Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary defines fate as:

1. The will, principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do;
2. An inevitable and often adverse outcome, condition or end; disaster-especially death; 
3. The final outcome; the expected result of normal development; the circumstances that befall someone or something.

Plus, as a transitive verb it’s defined as doom.

So, fate seems to carry a negative connotation: adverse, death, doom and even the expressions ‘sealed our fate’ and 'a fate worse than death’ kind of put a negative spin or finality on it all.

I agree with the negativity but not necessarily the finality. 

If we are headed in the wrong direction, we can always turn around.

A sealed envelope can always be unsealed.

If we don’t face the pain from the past, like an infection, it will fester and eventually resurface.

Villains are the ones who usually seal their fate unless they redeem themselves, which is indeed rare.

Accepting our destiny can be a painful and difficult path to walk. We always have the free will not to accept our destiny and remain right where we are, growing stagnant.

Eventually, stagnant water reeks.

While we might not exactly reek, I think our life would become miserable, mundane, rote. We would be unhappy, pessimistic and eventually, angry and bitter.

Not a good place to be.

Swords, Significators and Souls

The Court
as represented in various decks

There is a small group of cards within the Tarot deck that gives beginning readers some trouble. Collectively they are referred to as the Court cards, or the Royals, because they are comprised of a Page, a Knight, a Queen and a King. There is one of each rank in each of the four suits; Swords, Cups, Pentacles (Coins), or Wands, for a total of sixteen Court Cards.

Each suit tells a story as it relates to the theme of the suit; Mind, Heart, Body or Soul. The story begins with the Ace and finishes with the Ten, then we encounter the Court. I’ve come to see these cards as the characters within the story as it relates to their individual theme. I also see them as reflecting their experience with their story based on their rank and age, then by gender to help differentiate the Queen and the King as they are about the same age. And in my own head, they are a happy little family, when one or more are not reversed or under the influence of some other card’s energy.

When these cards show up in a reading, they can suggest a person with that personality is somehow connected to the situation. They could also suggest an aspect of the individual seeking the reading or even an attitude the seeker might adopt or abandon to further resolve any issues connected to their question. 

In addition, many readers and tarot fanatics select one of these cards to act as a significator within the deck or during a reading.

Let me explain further. 

Swords is the suit of the mind and all that goes on up there; thought, logic, reasoning, understanding, clarity, truth, honesty, communication, etc. The Page is the youngest of the Court so they are learning how to master their thoughts, how to reason, how to express themselves clearly and how to discern fact from fiction, as well as reliable news sources. They can have an air of innocence as well as eagerness.

The Knight is a bit older than the Page, so they have a little more experience under their belt. I think of the Page as still studying while the Knight is the recent graduate ready to take on the world with their new ideas. They can still be a bit on the tentative side or a bit overconfident ready to challenge the establishment and bend it to their will. They lack the life experience to know how to be tactful, when to charge forth and when to hold back until the time is right. 

 

King of Swords
Radiant Tarot

The King, on the other hand, is a master of his suit. He is a man with life experience who continues to seek deeper understanding, truth and education and understands the value of such pursuits. He is also witty and has a keen sense of humor. He is a communicator and loves to impart his knowledge which makes him a good instructor. He can be a  judge or counsellor, as he is impartial since he relies on facts-not emotions. However, he can have a bit of an attitude if you ask his advice and then don’t follow it which will make him feel that you’ve wasted his time. He has little tolerance for people’s lack of understanding the facts of the matter especially when he’s researched them and wonders why they don’t see them. It is glaringly obvious to him, so it should be to others as well. Be careful if you ask him his opinion as his sword wields the truth. And the truth can hurt.

The Water Bearer pouring his
knowledge over humanity

As I was studying the Court cards when I first began reading a couple of years ago, I felt I connected to him, more for his positive aspects rather than his bluntness. Or sharpness. After all, a blunt sword is useless. I shared my connection with my study group when someone pointed out that the King of Swords is also connected to Aquarius as those same attributes describe an Aquarian. And that is my Sun sign. So, that cemented the deal. He is my significator. So, when he shows up in a reading for me, I pay particular attention to where he shows up and whether he’s reversed or not. 

I find he is quite active lately. And maybe not in a good way, perhaps he’s reversed right now. A reversed Court card could either bring out the meeker side of their personality or the darker one.

I’ve been reading reports from virologists and epidemiologists regarding the novel Coronavirus, not solely articles written by news reporters only highlighting the gist of what some expert said. I was also reading firsthand reports of medical personnel and their accounts of what they were witnessing in their patients as well as studying accounts of survivors and their personal experiences. Therefore, I feel I know what’s true, who’s reliable and where to put my trust.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I understand the information we were receiving at the beginning of the pandemic was spotty and confusing which led to some frustration as to what to do, how it was transmitted, how dangerous it was, how it manifested in patients. So, I understand the frustration we were feeling. 

But, come on people! This is a new virus that no one knew anything about at first, like at the beginning of the HIV/AIDS pandemic in the 1980’s which I lived through so I also have some personal experience with such situations. Let’s give the scientific community a chance to find out as much as they can and also not overtax the medical community in a rush to get back to normal, whatever that is or will be. This is the King of Swords getting agitated at the lack of common sense. Okay, it’s me, too. The King has to learn to sheathe his sword and take care of himself and let others do the same, even if it doesn’t make sense to him (me.) Even if it kills them, which it very well could.

The other thing that has been plaguing me as an Aquarian is the injustice that is and has been happening.

Aquarians are a bit of a rebel as we like to march to our own drum. We also have a humanitarian side. We see the bigger picture.

As a child, I was very sensitive to the pain of others, be it physical or emotional. (I still am, but have learned to shield myself somewhat.) My stepfather was very racist, misogynistic and undoubtedly homophobic, though I don’t recall any particular episodes or discussions around the latter. He would drop racial epithets all the time, tell ethnic jokes and degrade women.  It all triggered me. This was during the Civil Rights and Women’s Lib movements of the 60’s and 70’s which made our home very tense. My mother didn’t stand up to him as she knew better since he was taller than she was by at least a foot and she was petite. Plus, his temper was not to be reckoned with. 

The American sitcom All in the Family debuted during this era and tackled many topics once considered taboo for American television. The main character, Archie Bunker, was very bigoted and used many racial and ethnic epithets. My stepfather enjoyed the show, I did not. While I was never made to sit and watch the show I was told that his attitude was one many people shared and I’d better damn well get used to it.

Let’s ratchet this up a notch.

The Libra scales of justice,
fairness, balance and equality

My ascending, or rising, sign is Libra. Astrologers take the rising sign as one of the three key signs in understanding a person’s basic personality with the moon sign completing the trifecta. The rising sign is the way we first present ourselves until we feel comfortable revealing more of our truer personality. It’s our “social mask” if you will.

Libra is the only zodiac sign represented by a non-living symbol, the Scales, or Balance. Librans like to see justice and fairness for everyone involved. So, as an Aquarian with a Libra ascendant, I have humanitarian views that seek fairness, justice and balance for all. When that scale is upset, as it is now, and people don’t share my humanitarian ideals, I go nuts. “Why can’t they see the imbalance, injustices and unfairness as they exist right now?” And then, because both Aquarius and Libra are air signs, these people spend a lot of time in their heads overthinking and overanalyzing everything. And I do mean everything. So, I get the double whammy.

Speaking of double whammies, the Court card for Libra is the Queen of Swords. So, when she appears in a reading, I give her a little more attention as well. She’s like a secondary significator. She differs from her husband in that, as a woman, she brings in some of her feminine intuition. See, I told you gender would play a sexist role.

Like her husband, she is also witty, intelligent and impartial. She will be direct in her advice, but will be there to help if it gets too emotional. She has some sympathy, more than her husband would but less than the other queens of the deck. She is the Queen of her mind, after all. Since she is known more for her intellect than her emotions, she can be emotionally distant. Some readers say she can be downright cold and bitter particularly if she's reversed.

Queen of Swords
Radiant Tarot

She has an underlying strength I feel doesn’t get enough attention from some readers. She wants to be known for her intellect which, let’s face it, is viewed more as a ‘masculine’ trait since men are seen as more in their heads and less ‘feeling’ than women. Why else would we have coined the term ‘mansplaining?’ She’s trying very hard to make it in this ‘masculine’ world. Do not 'mansplain’ to her or you may barely see the flash of her sword as she cuts you down.

The apparent lack of concern for the rest of humanity from many individuals in regards to the coronavirus with its potential toll on the medical communities and the potential health and morbidity risks of this virus, plus the disregard of social inequities and inequalities, the resurgence of Black Lives Matter and the counter-reactions, in addition to the push to reopen the economy without realizing that the economy itself depends on a healthy populace in order to sustain it, all converging at once have my inner King and Queen of Swords readying their weapons to lop off a few heads. But they can’t, so they, and my Aquarius/Libra soul, remain frustrated and somewhat disillusioned with humanity.

As I've been walking, or trying to walk, a more spiritual path over these past few years, I've been learning to detach from those whose political, religious and spiritual beliefs differ from mine. After all, we are entitled to our different beliefs. Plus, as a highly sensitive/empathic person, the fact that many people seem to care only for themselves during these difficult times hurts me, deeply. “Do you not see what you are doing to others? Do you not care? Do you have no compassion?” This side of my nature makes it ever so hard to detach. And judge less.

I continue to study the science behind the virus and the statistics driving the Black Lives Matter movement so that, when asked, I can share what I've learned. I can only hope that someone will listen and change their behavior or at least their beliefs. I just hope I’m not wasting my time.

Maybe my lesson here is that as long as I'm educating myself, I’m not actually wasting my time, but realizing I need to detach much more now, which is a very hard lesson to learn in such a very difficult time. I just need to live and take care of myself the best I can and let those fools others make their own choices and live with the consequences.

But, this seems so much more challenging to detach from.

Perhaps it's because I see people's health-and ultimately their lives-in danger.

And that troubles me greatly.

Credits for the cards in lead photo:
Page of Swords, Illustrated by Siena Summers for Pride Tarot, (c) 2020 US Games, Inc.
Knight of Cups, Crow Tarot, MJ Cullinane, (c) 2019 US Games, Inc.
Queen of Coins (Pentacles), Tarot of Dreams, Ciro Marchetti, (c) 2005 US Games, Inc.
King of Wands, Bianco Nero Tarot, Marco Proietto, (c) 2018 US Games, Inc.
Photo by Jeffrey Ballam


For information on these and other fine decks available from US Games, Inc. click here

For information on MJ Cullinane and her other projects, click here.

November's Card

Nine of Wands
Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot

When I sat down to write my reflection on November’s card from my New Year's Reading, it dawned on me I already had written it in a way, sort of. Kinda.

My card for November was the Nine of Wands Reversed from the New Palladini Tarot.

When we look at the traditional card from the Rider-Waite-Smith deck, we see an injured young man, seemingly exhausted, leaning on a staff. He’s obviously looking off to one side. What’s going on over there that has caught his attention? Were his injuries sustained in some kind of battle? Is it still going on? Why does he have these other staffs with him? Did they belong to some of his fallen comrades? Curious minds want to know.

Nine of Rods (Wands)
New Palladini Tarot

Regardless of his injuries and exhaustion, he also appears to have the stamina to keep going, to fight on if he needs. Somehow, he’d muster the strength, courage and energy to do so like a good warrior. I like to think of this as a “don’t-mess-with-me-or-you-might-regret-it” card. 

But, in my reading, he’s reversed.

So, this changes things.

The reversal could suggest a full surrender, a giving up. Exhaustion has taken over. I’m done.

As I looked back at this card and the feeling of full surrender came over me, my previous post, The Doldrums, sprang to mind. 

In that post, I wrote that is seems like everything I've tried to motivate myself to find a direction in my social life and some increased economic opportunities did not pan out. So, I felt like throwing down the staff and just hibernating. After all, the first Spirit Guide I met was Bear, so hibernation would be quite fitting. Plus, winter is approaching and Bear People do tend to hibernate a bit in the winter.

Yet, that isn’t very healthy.

Or very fun.

But, something interesting occurred to me when I reviewed the card. Bear with me, it’s a stretch. Or a reach. But, whatever.

Upright, the figure is looking to the left. I view a reading as a snapshot of this current moment in time, of the Now. We often use a timeline to chronicle events from the past to the present. Traditionally, we place the events furthest in the past to the farthest left on the timeline and then proceed forward in time to the right. The events that injured the young man already occurred. They're in the past. I mean, he's already bandaged. 

My card turned up reversed, so now he’s looking to the right, into the future. So, maybe I feel like giving up now. But, as he’s looking to the right, into the future, I’m taking this as a sign to just keep plodding on as a new year is on the way. 

It’s like he’s saying, just wait. Don’t give up, even if you feel like it Right Now.

After all, the Hermit, (one of my favorite cards in the deck) is up next. But, he’s reversed, too.

What could that mean?

I guess I’ll find out.

The Hermit
New Palladini Tarot

To read my prior post, click here.

Going Home

They say you can’t go home again. I understand it’s a metaphor regarding the changes that people go through as life goes on and on for the one who leaves and those who don't. So, everything will be different when the prodigal child returns.

My old home in Sacramento

For me, that saying became literal as well. In 1976, I moved to Los Angeles from Sacramento, California for college. During my freshman year, my stepfather accepted a job in St. Louis, Missouri. So, my home in California disappeared into nothingness leaving Los Angeles as my new home. I used to tell people I didn't leave home, it left me. Missouri would never be home as I had no real connection to it and they lived there barely nine months anyway before moving once again. And, in reality, Sacramento wasn’t truly home as we’d only lived there about a year and a half before I left and two years before they did. Yet, my grandparents had lived there for as long as I can recall and remained there until they passed. So, Sacramento always was a home base of some kind.

My mother has lived in the Atlanta area since 1979. I recently went to visit and discovered another aspect of going home even if it’s just home to visit mom wherever she may reside. I’ve changed even more since my previous visit over a year ago. Last year, I’d toyed with the idea of telling her I was beginning to study the tarot and with my first baby steps in telling her, she replied “I thought they were supposed to be evil.” I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I didn’t.

This year I was still unsure about sharing that aspect of my new life. So, I chose to play it by ear. For several reasons, I ended up not opening that closet door. I tried explaining about being an empath by sharing a couple of my empathic moments. I tried explaining some of my intuitive experiences. I’m not sure she grasped any of it, but I’m grateful she listened even if she didn’t know what to say. No one usually does. I’m used to it, so I go it mostly alone, with a few friends who do understand. Kind of.

I did bring up the fact I see the same numbers over and over. I pointed out once that it was 1:11 on the clock and that I’d noticed 11:11 earlier that morning. She said she didn’t believe in that stuff. I took that as not a good sign.

I know this aspect of my life is hard to understand for those who are more secular or religious than spiritual. After all, those nasty tarot cards are frowned upon by churches and those who read them are children of the devil. We've been brainwashed not to pay attention to our intuition as it's seen by some as an evil spirit, mental illness or unreal. Other people get freaked out by it.

Mom and I had some moments of conservative vs. liberal politics but when we realized we would not see eye to eye we steered clear of them. Religion sort of reared its head and we ended up dropping that topic as well and we did the same with environmental issues. 

The view from my mother's back deck

All in all, it was similar to previous visits but for some reason my anxiety was through the roof. Maybe it was because I’m still getting used to these newer dimensions of me and I wasn’t sure of how to proceed in sharing with her, or if I even should. Maybe it was the idea of not being in my own home, my comfort zone. Perhaps it was just being around another person for 24 hours a day after living alone for so many years, regardless of who it was.

Or maybe it was just being in the conservative, oppressive south.

Maybe it was the realization that this was the first time in my life I knew she couldn’t be there for me as I needed her to be. Even as she tried.

Maybe it was all of the above.

I don’t wish to paint my mother as a difficult person. She isn’t. She is very loving and has been there as much for me as she has for my brothers and their issues. She was the only family member who initially stood by my side when I came out as gay. She has her upbringing which has led her down a conservative path and she recognizes we all have our differences which she respects.

As I reflect on what I learned about myself on this trip, I have come to this conclusion; it’s still difficult to ask for what I want or need in relationships. It wasn’t until almost the very end of my stay when I asked for some quiet time on my own. Yes, I could have gone up to "my room” and lie down or something. And, yes, I could have borrowed her car and gone into Atlanta for a day out on my own. But, it’s also hard to ask for that when you’ve made your annual trek across the country to visit and help your aging mother while recognizing she wants to maximize the time we have together. Based on her needs, obligations and other family engagements in the area, we arranged our chores around them, which then also limited my ability to go explore Atlanta. Plus, the two hour drive into the city was also a huge factor. 

So, all in all, it was a nice visit, even if it had its ups and downs. Hopefully, next time I’ll be a bit more grounded.  

Home, my comfort zone

Nine Cups for June

The traditional
Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot

With all the Pentacle excitement the two previous months, the 10 for April and the King in May-all suggesting happiness, abundance, generosity, and possible income-the 9 of Cups for June was also suggesting a continuance of good feeling. Some traditional associations for the card are contentment, satisfaction and feeling fulfilled.

Traditional depictions of this card show a smiling nobleman sitting in front of a table laden with nine golden cups or chalices. Other depictions show a feast in addition to the cups. So, we can see the idea of contentment and satisfaction. Some other readers also believe this is the “wishes fulfilled” card as the gentleman seems very content in this scene and Cups is the suit of the heart, after all. 

New Palladini Tarot

While I can’t recall any particular wishes coming true as I didn’t wish for anything specific and there were a few difficult moments in June (there are always a couple, regardless of the month and card), overall it was a pretty peaceful month as far as I can remember. I really should journal a bit better for these recollection posts.

Yet, perhaps the idea here was to be content with what I have and not appear to be greedy. I mean, with the 10 and King of Pentacles back to back, it would be hard not to anticipate/wish/hope for more. Maybe my outlook for the month (and hereafter) should be "I have what I need, and need what I have." Gratitude is indeed a virtue and I am grateful for my many blessings.

Yet, the Wheel of Fortune keeps turning and all good things wind down. The next few cards, and therefore months, seem to suggest a slightly different turn. The 7 of Wands-defensive posturing, fending off challenges, maintaining one’s success-is the card for July.

Sounds intriguing, if not just a bit ominous, like the lull before the storm. 

Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot

And with the first few days of the month under way, it's going to be a doozy of a month...

Pushing Myself for Poppies

I pushed myself a bit the other day. 

But first, some background. 

I’ve come to hate driving long distances. By long distances, I mean anything over about an hour’s distance from my house. This comes from a couple of places;

1. A very difficult road trip with my family when I was younger, and
2. Years of a long commute.

My family took many road trips. We also moved a lot and not across town but across the country. We drove each time. So, I spent many hours confined in the back seat of a car behind two parents who smoked. But, one trip stands out in particular.

In January 1974, we were moving from the San Francisco Bay Area to Denver, Colorado and one leg of this trip had us spending the night in Wendover, Utah. My stepfather had decided the road from Salt Lake City to Denver was a bit too risky with the impending snowstorm, so the plan was to head north into Wyoming then across it and eventually we would head south into Denver. One extra day was worth our lives. Good thinking.

We hit the road early and stopped for breakfast/lunch in Salt Lake where I had a couple cups of coffee. Shortly after heading back out, it started to snow and my bladder began to signal me it needed relief. I conveyed this to my stepfather who said there was no place to stop, especially alongside the freeway up in the mountains during a light snowfall. I focused on the trees, the flakes, a book I was reading, on anything but the discomfort I was feeling. Hours later and a lot more discomfort, there was still no place alongside the freeway in the desolate plains of Wyoming to stop during a snowstorm. Eventually we stopped around 8:00 PM for gas and dinner either in Laramie or Cheyenne, Wyoming, I forget which due to the passages of time. I was out of the car before it stopped moving. I was also the first one in the bathroom and the last one out.

During the last fifteen years of my teaching career, I commuted to work. My commute had grown from 1.5 miles at the beginning of my career to 35 miles one way at the end, with one year in there at about 45 miles, also one way.

So, I'm not fond of driving long distances. It triggers some anxiety. 

Two other things that trigger my anxiety; crowds of people and being away from my home. I’m not fearful of the crowds, they just drain me. And home is where I recharge, my sanctuary. So, even running errands can be so incredibly draining due to dealing with people that sometimes I need a nap when I return; but I do take care of what I need to in spite of it all.

With all this in mind, I recently drove a bit of a distance, and more importantly, I chose to.

We had so much rain in Southern California this past rainy season there was a superbloom of wildflowers. As I missed the last one, I wanted to see them this time. And not on the news. But up close and personal. Plus, I could play with my camera.

So, I drove the fifty miles to the Antelope Valley Poppy Reserve, in Lancaster, California. I had also made arrangements to meet a friend who lives in the area after he got off work. So, I'd be up there a while.

I geared myself up for the drive and chose to go on a weekday to avoid any possible crowds; one of the benefits of being retired. I also left later in the morning to avoid rush hour traffic, even though I was going against the traffic flow. But, by going later, I'd be losing the good morning light; oh, the sacrifices we sometimes make. As I was going on my own, I would be on my own schedule, not waiting for anyone else to get their perfect shot, so I kind of figured I would be finished with my photography relatively soon, and I wasn't sure what there was to do up there after finishing getting my photos. So, I wanted to minimize the downtime while waiting for my friend to leave work. 

All in all, the drive wasn’t terrible except for the coffee I had in the morning. Will I ever learn?

The poppies were beautiful as was the weather. They tend to close in the wind, but the gentle breeze that day met with their approval. They remained open. Perhaps thats a lesson for me-remain open.

We need to push ourselves once in a while in order to grow.

Even if it makes us uncomfortable. 

After all, stagnation leads nowhere...

And what is it they say? Everything we want is on the other side of fear...

For more information on the AV Poppy Reserve, 
click here.

A Cheerful Giver

I spent most of my teen years in fundamental Baptist churches. I even tried to remain religious through my turbulent coming out years. That didn’t go well. Not the coming out, though that had its moments; but, the remaining religious part. I eventually became more spiritual which is quite different. 

I remember many of the principles from my religious indoctrination, one of them being “God loves a cheerful giver” which was often said as the offering plates were being passed around. I doubt that was any coincidence, maybe to encourage the indoctrinated to give more, or at least to feel more cheerful about what we were able to give. 

I have since come to believe more in a Universal energy than some deity sitting somewhere wanting to be worshipped. I’ve also come to believe our energies create our reality, or perhaps our perception of it. I think of it as a mindset. Walt Disney once said, “if you can dream it, you can do it.” And Henry Ford also said, “if you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

Karma even gets into it here with the “what goes around, comes around threefold” ideology; treat people with kindness and the universe will respond in kind and vice versa times three. The trouble with this karma thing is that karma works on its own timetable. 

I feel we could extend this mindset idea to other matters as well. 

For example, in dating situations, if we believe all men or women are dishonest, we will attract men or women who are dishonest. In our material world, if we maintain a poverty mindset, we will remain in poverty. 

I do feel badly for those who are in need and try to help when I can. And when I do help, I try to do it cheerfully, not out of  guilt, exasperation or a feeling of “If I give you a dollar, will you shut up and go away?”

Nor do I help with the idea of expecting a karmic benefit, meaning that for every dollar I cheerfully offer someone I don’t expect three in return. Karma doesn’t work like that. I believe karma looks at your intention. If you do something positive with the intention of being rewarded for it, karma says no because it's not coming from the heart. Expectations are planned disappointments, even karmic ones. Yes, even karma loves a cheerful giver. 

Speaking of cheerful givers, I had an odd experience the other day right before Christmas.

I went shopping and as I was entering the store, a woman exited. “I don’t have any money for groceries,” she said, “Could you please help?”

I quickly gave her the once over; her hair was pulled back into a bun, she had on some makeup, her clothes were neat and clean, though why all that registered with me, I don't know. I then caught myself remembering I don’t need to know why she was in this predicament. Maybe she still had a job and a roof over her head, but just needed money for food for the holidays due to reasons unknown to me. I caught myself for being a bit judgmental and reached for my wallet. I pulled out a dollar, handed it to her and prepared to go on my way. Yet there was something in her energy that still left me uneasy.

“Could you make it a twenty?” She asked. 

My immediate thought was “WTF?”, snapped “No!” and considered taking my dollar back due to an apparent lack of gratitude, but didn’t. So much for being a cheerful giver. 

On one hand she had some nerve to ask for more, on the other hand she had the right to ask. Yet, not once did she mention children to add credence or guilt to her plight. 

I continued with my shopping, exited the store, whereupon she asked me once again for money. 

“I already gave you some” I answered curtly, still irritated about the ‘make it a twenty’ issue and that she apparently forgot that I had just given her money a few moments before.

“Oh, thank you.”

As I walk this path, I try to react without judgment, but I am human as well. I find myself reviewing, rehashing and rethinking overthinking things.

Actually, I need to learn not to react which is very hard. 

Therapists say the major part of our stress and anxiety lies in how we react to or perceive events.

Which makes it all the more important not to react.

Somehow.

Lessons from a Tree

The Lake at Franklin Canyon Park

I went for a walk the other day, as I try to get some exercise, vitamin D and to connect with nature as frequently as I can. I also try a walking meditation as I go along my way. Try being the operative word as those pesky thoughts and what-ifs do try and grab my attention. I acknowledge them, tell them to stfu and sit themselves back down. It doesn’t always work but at least I try.

This particular morning I decided to go to my favorite spot, Franklin Canyon Park. I knew the traffic would be less as it was Thanksgiving Day. 

Arriving at the park, I decided to remain on the paved roads as it had recently rained (finally!) and I wanted to avoid slipping in mud because I was hiking alone and should I fall and get hurt, I’d have no one to help me. After a while, I noticed the ground didn’t seem too muddy so I decided to just meander through the park while keeping my mind focused on what I was seeing and where I was going. I ended up taking a trail I had never explored before. 

The Unexplored Path

As I rounded a bend in the trail, I noticed a unique tree. A California live oak, I believe. California live oaks are quite common in the area, but what made this one unique was its development. As I passed it, I felt the urge to sit with the tree. Actually, I will admit I felt the tree reach out, “Come sit with me.” I made a promise, “I will be back” and continued exploring the path to its end.

I returned to the tree and took a few breaths to ground and center myself before climbing up on the trunk. Closing my eyes, I felt the energy of the tree and the sounds of the park surround me. And yet, I could feel the tree teaching me something. When I opened my eyes a few moments later, I understood what the tree wanted me to know.

When that little acorn fell from its parent tree, it landed just where it did. It took root and began to sprout; it found the nutrients it needed and grew into a sapling. Along the way, that little sapling faced many challenges, yet did what it needed to meet them without giving up its essence. In order to reach the light it so desperately needed, it had to grow parallel to the ground in places. Then it twisted itself around to grow some more when its neighbors began blocking out its light doing exactly what it needed to in order to continue its growth.

And the tree just did it. Without fear, without thinking of any repercussions, consequences or other potential outcomes. It needed to survive.

We can be like this tree. We will encounter many challenges along our journey and we can overcome them. We can bend ourselves, metaphorically, to circumvent some challenges. We can change direction, if need be.

Yet we are different from the tree.

We do what the tree doesn’t.

We think. 

I don’t mean to denigrate thinking. It benefits us while at the same time can be a source of discomfort. We can think to solve problems like what route is best, or which camera better suits my needs? Maybe those are simple choices with pros and cons to weigh but still some thinking is involved in reaching an outcome. But, thinking also gets us into trouble when we think of the what-ifs as we contemplate life's little conundrums. We anticipate negative outcomes which may or may not happen. (Hint, they usually don’t.)

• What if they don’t like me? (What if they do?)
• What if I fail? (What if you succeed?)
• What if it doesn't work out? (What if it does?)

Okay, so in reality we overthink.

When we meet a challenge, I feel we should stop, look at it, decide on a course of action, attempt it and then evaluate the result. Did it work? It did? Great. Move on.

It didn’t? What different approach can I try? Because if I try the same thing again, I can’t expect some magically different outcome. And isn't that the definition of insanity: trying the exact same approach over and over, yet expecting the results to somehow turn out differently on their own? 

Or should I try something else and change something within  me that concerns the situation while remaining true to myself? Perhaps a simple attitude adjustment?

Or is the whole thing even worth my energy?

Depending on how major of a situation it is, I prefer the last one. If the situation isn’t worth my energy, I say fuck it and move on.

So, where the tree simply adapts itself to the challenge, we actually have the ability to remove the challenge from our path.

But, the biggest lesson I learned came from a part of the tree we don’t see; the roots. The roots keep the tree grounded, safe and secure. While the trunk twists, turns and does what it needs to, the tree itself remains grounded and secure in its tree-ness.

Whatever life throws at us we are capable of meeting it as long as we remain grounded which, admittedly, is not easy.

And if we can do that we can reach our canopy out into the universe to its fullest extent.

Just like the tree.

All photos courtesy of Jeffrey Ballam

Happiness

A friend recently asked me a very deep, personal question. But, before I could answer, my mind took me on a quick trip back to my younger years.

I viewed this surprise trip down memory lane as inspiration for this post. Or as a sign I needed to write it. 

He asked me, “Are you happy?”

The moment he asked me this, a book that belonged to my grandfather flashed before my mind’s eye. As a child, I loved this book both in its simplicity of text and artwork. As an adult, I now see that its simplicity is also its depth. The book was “Happiness is a Warm Puppy” by Charles Schulz,1962. 

Yes, that Charles Schulz of Peanuts fame. As I recall, the book consisted of one line for each character or pair of characters describing what happiness meant to them: 

• One page shows Lucy hugging a confused Snoopy expressing “Happiness is a warm puppy.”
• Another page shows Linus all snuggled in bed, “Happiness is sleeping in your own bed.”
• And yet one more illustration shows Lucy with a pair of tweezers and Linus examining his finger with the phrase “Happiness is finally getting the sliver out.”

(Disclaimer: I do not have the book and these are pages I was able to see on various listings on the internet.)

The other memory that sprang to mind when my friend asked me that question was a song my family enjoyed whenever it came up on the 8-track. (Yes, I’m that old!)  “Happiness is...” by Ray Conniff sums up this post in its core lyric: “Happiness is different things to different people.” It goes on to list various people and what makes them happy:

• To a preacher, it’s a prayer
• To a golfer, it's a hole in one 
• To a father, it's a brand new son

You get the picture, we all have our own definition of what happiness is, from a warm puppy to a brand new son. Granted these are external moments of happiness. All of which can be lost in a moment.

Which leads me to my point, true happiness is an inside job. We choose what makes us happy. We choose to be happy where we are in that moment.

Now, I’m not suggesting that we should try to make ourselves happy while in a relationship that may be toxic or no longer working. Nor should we settle for or stay in a relationship or job if we are truly miserable and no longer consider ourselves to be happy. Nor should we accept something that we truly can’t live with while in a relationship or job that is doing well. Obviously some compromises can be worked out. 

For a number of years, I was in a relationship and believed I was happy. But, I was only happy because I was in a relationship again right after my first parter had passed. I was no longer alone. The relationship began to change after a few years but I was still with someone who loved me so I felt happy, after all relationships are forever, aren't they? And, I didn't want to be alone again. Naturally.

Quite a conundrum.

I have come to believe we must first be happy with ourselves. The moment we decide to place our happiness in someone else’s hands, they will drop it every single time. Every. Single. Time.

Nothing is perfect. No relationship, no job, nothing.

So, if nothing is perfect that begs the question, can we define what happiness is within the context of a relationship? Or any situation, for that matter. I feel that as long as we can be happy with ourselves in an imperfect situation, we can accept the challenges and imperfections as long as we are not settling for something less than we deserve.

Many of us believe happiness is a destination. If only I had..., if only I were..., if only I worked..., if only my partner...

And yet, when we get those dream items often we aren’t any happier. In my opinion, chasing happiness like this is similar to dangling the carrot in front of the donkey to get it to move forward. Sometimes we end up focusing so much on leading the donkey, we take our eyes off our path and end up who-knows-where.

So, this brings me back to my original point, we need to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy externally.

With a potential relationship on the horizon, I am focusing on my happiness first. I am not depending on anyone else to make me happy. 

No one can. 

It’s my job, my responsibility and no one else’s.

So, to answer my friend, “Yes, I am happy."