Thursday, December 22, 2016


It seems lately I've been living in a perpetual Mercury retrograde. Everything I say to people is either misunderstood, falls on deaf ears or just plain wrong.

And it's getting effing annoying.

And because of this seemingly perpetual retrograde, I am beginning to feel so misunderstood, unheard, and disregarded.

I am walking a difficult part of my path right now; so much is going on in my head and heart it is affecting my body and spirit.
Some might call it a transition, or a mid-life crisis.

I call it an awakening to my true authentic self.

I speak my truth-I am not looking for nor wanting a partner right now. I get bombarded with "Of course you do, you need to be happy." Only I am responsible for my happiness.

I speak my truth-I don't feel I'm gay any more as I do not feel connected with the community. In reality, yes, I am still gay in that an attractive man will catch my eye, and that orientation is natural and cannot be changed, but it will take so much more for a man to catch more than just a glance from me. I've come to feel I'm an outsider. The one who doesn't fit in. I was having this conversation with a friend when a man walked by and I happened to glance at him, and my friend questioned me, "I thought you said you weren't gay." When I pointed out the woman I had watched walk by a moment earlier, that was dismissed. As a writer, I watch people to see if I can pick up any interesting character traits. And besides, people watching is just plain fun. But, I digress.
I don't throw shade to make myself feel superior, I don't hypersexualize men, I don't believe every comment has to be made into sexual innuendo. I mentioned to one gay man I had been chatting with that some workmen had been at my house and he commented, "Must have been one big pornfest." Really? I posted on a social media platform that I had stopped by a new restaurant and was treated to a free lunch. A gay friend commented "Did you have to put out for it?" Seriously? Must everything in the gay male community revolve around sex? I ask guys about it and I get the  response "It's just gay guy talk." To me, that is a lame excuse, like "locker room talk" among straight men. So, it will take a lot for me to venture back into a community I no longer feel I belong to, or at least connect with.

I offer my opinion on friends' social media pages only to be shot down because I differed from their opinion or did not follow the required format for responding. I can accept that people can have differences of opinions, but what happened to respect?

I understand my life is changing; therefore, so am I. I am overwhelmed with the changes-spiritual, physical, emotional and mental-that are enveloping me. I am also adjusting both mentally and physically to aging and the body changes that accompany that process. I am of an age where retirement is not that far off, which is something else to take into consideration. As I contemplate what may lie in front of me, and I learn to trust that whatever will happen will turn out okay in the long run, it is the short run that leaves me in a whirlwind of confusion.
So, as all these pieces fall into place, perhaps I am overly sensitive right now.

Yet, I still need to feel I am truly being heard.

I still need to feel I am being taken seriously.

I still need to feel validated in where I am on my journey.

Perhaps I am the only one who can do all of that.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Intentions 2

Why is it people feel the need to force their beliefs and/or feelings on others?

An acquaintance who is blissfully newly married insists I 'concentrate on finding a mate.'
(I think she's maybe two years into her marriage-so it's not so new, but still in the 'honeymoon' phase)

Here's how it went down. I was in a room when I felt a sneeze coming on. It began to tease me, coming on slowly, and eventually beginning to build when she entered the same room, "Good Morning" she greeted me. I held up my hand to acknowledge her, and because of the look on my just-about-to-sneeze-face she stopped and waited.

"Are you coming down with something?" she asked when it finally arrived.

"No, getting over something I've had on and off since before Thanksgiving. And good morning to you."

"Well, you don't need to be sick over your winter break. That's why you need to concentrate on finding a mate."

Why? Is he going to make me feel better? Prevent me from ever catching a cold/virus/incurable disease ever again?

"No, I don't. And my therapist actually agrees with me, I'm happier not being in a relationship."

"Well, I can take you to a therapist who would disagree," she went on. 

My defenses are now rising.

At this point, a mutual acquaintance walked in on this discussion, Acquaintance 1 turns to her and asks "Aren't you happy being married?"

"Oh, yes," Acquaintance 2 answered, "He's my best friend."

A1 turns to me, "See, she's happy. You need to...."

"NO! I don't want to." I emphatically interrupted. "And, fyi, I have tried meeting men after my divorce, only to be blatantly lied to, openly deceived, and worse," I said counting them off on my fingers.

"But..." A1 tried to say...

"NO! When I see any couple-gay, lesbian, straight-engaging in any form of intimacy, I get physically ill." At this point A2 quickly departs the room.

"Well, you just have memories of before...I'll work on you after your break."


Now, I do understand and appreciate that A1 is acting in what she thinks is my best interest. I get that. She's finally happy, so she's proselytizing the benefits of marriage/coupledom like a good little missionary. She has good intentions, I know that. Yet, isn't there something about a certain road and its paving material leading to some unpleasant destination?

What she doesn't know is my last break up led to not only a broken heart, but a shredded soul as well. So, I'm not in an emotional state for anything at this point. And she doesn't need to know.

But, what bothers me more, is that this is my life, my journey and any trespassing on my space leaves me feeling violated. And, that's all she needs to know.

And what's more, we've had this conversation once or twice before, so she's not taking me seriously. I hate being challenged, because that sets my Aquarian tenacity even firmer. We Aquarians can be very firm in our convictions. And extremely protective of our hearts.

And being told what to do is the surest way to get an Aquarian not to do it.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Synchronicities 4

Weird things are happening to me again. But, I don't know what to make of it all except I'm beginning to think I'm living in the Twilight Zone.

But this time it's all different. They're all "ghosts" or "echoes" from my past, sort of. Not repeated sets of numbers. And that has me freaking out. Kinda.

My last surviving cat passed away in 2013, and when I was emotionally ready, I set out to make her shadow box, as is my tradition. And I traditionally include the last collar each of my fur babies wore. Now, I strongly believe in keeping my cats indoors so there was no need for them to wear their collar all the time. So, I kept the collars in a safe place until I needed them, usually around the handle of their carrier. When she passed away, I donated the carrier to a rescue group, keeping the collar in a safe place for her eventual shadow box. So safe was this place, I forgot where it was when the time came to make the shadow box. I hunted and searched and looked and checked every place I knew I had remembered putting it. No luck. I had decluttered so much of my house at one point, I feared I might have accidentally thrown it out. Eventually, I began to make peace with the fact she would be the only one without her collar. But, it just recently turned up, quite unexpectedly, under a box, in a nightstand drawer I rarely open. All my fur babies now have their collars in their shadow boxes. I miss my babies so much.

Within the short time frame of three and a half weeks, four people have reached out to me to reconnect in some way; a former student, a friend, an old acquaintance, and a family member. All of these relationships had been interrupted by either time, a misunderstanding, a natural change or distancing of the relationship or something else altogether. People come in and out of our lives for many reasons. It's natural. But, four people in such a short amount of time is a bit too coincidental to not have some underlying meaning or lesson for me to note. 

Again, I believe synchronicities are seemingly random occurrences that, on closer look, might not seem so random after all. I could accept maybe two of these reconnections being coincidental, but not all four in the short amount of time in which they occurred and the vast difference in the types of people they represented in my life; my profession, my social circle, a former partner, my family.  Okay, maybe my cat's collar suddenly and unexpectedly turning up might not necessarily be connected (except the connection to my past), but these people from my past? Surely, there's something the Universe wants me to learn or be ready for. I can always exercise free will and walk away from these people, but I have to ask myself, "why now?" and "why so many?" If everything happens for a reason, I'm curious to see what the reason might be and walking away won't teach me anything.

Perhaps, one of the lessons I'm supposed to learn is that people do come back into our lives. But, they come back when they are ready, at an unexpected moment. Former students sometimes seek their teachers out for a variety of reasons, and sometimes it's just a coincidence. Friends get busy and life's priorities change and finding/making time becomes a challenge, yet can be overcome. Bridges can be mended.

Another possible lesson could be that in spite of time, distance and circumstances, I still matter to others. I still cross their minds, sometimes enough to encourage a reconnection. 
Or, perhaps, this is all reinforcing my new attitude of let it all go and it will all work out. But, on the Universe's timetable, not mine. I had given up hope on the collar when suddenly there it was.

I have been accused of, and I admit to, overthinking just a tad from time to time and I can see how I could overthink this. Yet, I beg to point out that this is an unusual circumstance. As I said before, the number of people all at one time is a bit overwhelming to not suggest something is afoot.

But, what?

As always, time will tell.