Four Pentacles for February

Four of Pentacles
Rider Waite Smith Tarot

It’s that time again.

A new month brings a check-in with my New Year Reading. For February, I drew the Four of Pentacles.

Pentacles represents the physical aspect of our life; material, prosperity, abundance, etc. It also represents what we do or need; i.e., resources, work, labor, career, etc. to achieve the level of prosperity or abundance we require, however we define it, 

It can also reflect our connection to Earth and the resources the Earth provides us and our trust and commitment to the planet.

Each suit tells a story beginning with the Ace and culminating with the Ten. Pentacles tells a rags-to-riches story with the Ace offering a material opportunity and the Ten being the legacy left to the succeeding generation. By the time we reach the Four, some success has been achieved and the figure is clinging to his earnings fearful of overspending in case of a return to darker times yet wanting to maintain the current lifestyle to which the figure has now become accustomed. If the figure isn’t aware of his clinging, this could also lead to a hoarding situation, particularly if the card is reversed.

As Four is an even number, it can suggest balance in the story of the card. This is reflected in the save or spend mentality facing the person in the card. Does the figure save a little and spend a lot, or save a lot and spend a little? How does the figure maintain balance of his resources?

Numerologically, Four is also a number of stability. A stool can stand on three legs, yet four legs are more stable. So, here we see a beginning of a stable material situation.

Four of Pentacles,
Bianco Nero Tarot
by Marco Proietto

Yet, how did this apply to me in February?

I always see this card as a lesson to better manage my finances, especially now that I am retired. I must learn to control my impulsive spending or seek other avenues of revenue. Or, both.

Yet, I feel there was another lesson for these Pentacles, not necessarily of a material kind, though I’m not ignoring that message.

Mercury went retrograde this month. It hit me very hard. Harder than past Mercury retrogrades.

Retrograde is an astronomical phenomenon where a planet appears to be moving backwards in its orbit as the Earth moves along its own path, then catches up with and passes the planet in question. All planets go retrograde at some point and for varying lengths of time depending on their journey around the sun as it interacts with Earth’s orbit. Because of Mercury’s shorter orbit, it goes retrograde three times a year for about three weeks at a time whereas Pluto goes retrograde about once a year for about a six month period.

So what does this mean astrologically and how does this relate to me? I’m getting there.

When any planet goes retrograde, it can offer us a time to slow down and reflect on the lessons we supposedly learned during its latest transit, meaning which sign it is in for this current retrograde.

In general, Mercury is the planet of communication and short travel. Think of the guy with the winged shoes and hat who was the messenger of the Olympian gods. So, if he were sick and he couldn’t make the trip to deliver his messages, what could possibly go wrong? 

Mhm, you got it. Miscommunication, misunderstandings and the fallout from them. Also, as technology serves as a vehicle for telecommunication, it, too, can go haywire. 

Mercury

Now, this time good ol’ Merc went retro in Pisces, the sign of the fish. Two fish. Swimming opposed to each other. One swimming up, one diving deep. One reaches for the higher expanses of the heavens while the other plumbs the depths of the ocean. Yet, these two are somehow tethered to each other and sometimes straining to reach their intended goal. Pisces people can have an inner conflict of emotion (water, the ocean) and mind (air, the heavens/Spirit). Mercury also slipped a bit back into Aquarius, the water bearer, who pours his knowledge out of his urn onto the people below, hopefully illuminating them to his ways. As Pisces is a water sign (emotions) and Aquarius is an air sign (logic), we can also see the heart vs mind struggle amped up a bit in this retrograde. Pisces is also a mutable sign meaning Pisceans can adapt more easily to different situations. I sometimes see them like fish flopping around the dock trying to find their way back to safety.

So, how did this affect me and the Four of Pentacles?

Hang on.

For me, this became a difficult month, not only a bit financially, with the realization of really needing to control my impulse buying and to seriously look into other avenues of revenue. But, it was emotionally challenging, as well. 

But with Merc and the Fishies, I think those Pentacles took on a bit of a deviation from their traditional meaning. My tarot friends might look at me like I should have my tarot license revoked, if there were such a thing as a tarot license. 

What I noticed happening with me was some old wounds resurfacing in this retrograde. Okay, that’s typical for a retro situation anyway.

But, these wounds centered around being heard (there’s the communication aspect), being validated, feeling my self-worth, my own value. Ta Da! There’s the Pentacle connection.

My value. My own self-worth. So, maybe it’s not that much of deviance from their traditional meaning. I get to keep my license.

I’m trying to balance or find stability (there’s the 4) between expressing myself, wanting to be listened to and understood while accepting that the more I evolve spiritually and follow this path that I feel is my destiny, fewer and fewer people will be able to understand what I’m experiencing. They may accept me and support me, but who will understand me? Then, the other side of the Pentacle is, do they need to understand me or do I need them to in order to feel validated and less alone in this world? Or why do I even need to explain myself at all?

So, those are the Four Pentacles: self-expression, self-worth, self-acceptance, self-esteem.

Now, let’s march on to the card for the current month, the Seven of Pentacles. Oh, this should be fun. I can tell already I have my work cut out for me. Since seven is greater than four and both cards are Pentacles, the cards are suggesting period of possible growth in the physical/material aspect of my life.

Let's see. 

Seven of Pentacles,
Bianco Nero Tarot
by Marco Proietto

For more info on planets in retrograde, click here

Resilience

I went for a walk the the other day in one of my regular places. I needed to get out of the house as I was both bored and feeling a bit anxious. Plus, the exercise wouldn’t hurt either. 

I like walking in this park because it has some hiking trails in the foothills not far from my house. Even though it also has some nice manicured areas with some picnic tables, I do feel I connect to nature here, whether it’s manicured or left on its own.

I don’t have music playing while I walk in any of the parks I visit as I like to listen to the birds chattering away and hear the wind in the trees. Plus, if I have music playing, I might miss the buzzing of the bees or the warning of a Southern Pacific rattlesnake. I have encountered a few of the residents along my walks; house sparrows, California quail, ground squirrels, black Phoebes, a bush rabbit, mule deer and scrub jays. So far, a Western Fence lizard is the only reptile I’ve encountered. 

On one occasion, a coyote ran across the main lawn area, stopped suddenly and, well, left some natural fertilizer on the grass, giving me a rare glimpse into its life. Lucky me. 

After the fire, Oct, 2019

In October 2019, the Saddleridge fire destroyed much of the  natural areas of the park, leaving it closed for a period of time. I’ve visited the park a handful of  times since it reopened and this last time I was struck by Mother Nature’s resilience.

My first visit after the fire

The park is coming back to life, however slowly.

We can learn so much from Mother Nature.

She bounces back after every disaster; wildfire, hurricane, tornado, earthquake or tsunami. In some cases, the disasters are what is needed to keep her in balance. 

We are just as resilient, if we believe ourselves to be.

I’ve been a bit down and/or anxious lately, not sure why. Perhaps it’s the current political and social climate in the US. Perhaps it’s sensing a change in direction in my life, a direction I never anticipated. Or maybe it’s the approaching super full moon in Leo.

The reason why isn’t important, but what is important is recognizing my own resilience and surging forward.

However long it may take.

New growth in a burned tree
Feb. 2020

Feb. 2020

Feb. 2020

Feb, 2020

Feb. 2020

Photos courtesy of Jeffrey Ballam

A Year in Preview

With every holiday we have traditions. Sometimes we add new ones and discard those we've outgrown. With my studies in the Tarot now entering their third year, I've decided to continue with my new tradition of a New Year Reading. For this year, I decided to use a deck I'd purchased last year which seems to have a strong hold over me, the Bianco Nero Tarot by Marco Proietto.

As the spread unfolded, I was a bit put off thinking this would be a difficult year ahead. But, I'm taking a leaf from my ancestral crest and slogan, Forewarned is Forearmed. What triggered me was the large number of cards in the suit of Swords. Swords is the suit connected to our mind and therefore anything associated with it; logic, reasoning, thoughts, learning, communication, analyzing, etc. Out of thirteen cards in the spread, six are Swords and five of those are reversed! In short, I see a lot of mental activity ahead and perhaps a lot of blockages or delays in that mental activity. Possibly some overthinking could be in the cards. So, perhaps these reversals are suggesting I have an opportunity to right them by being aware of their forthcoming energies and pushing myself through them, again Forewarned is Forearmed. It's like having an earthquake kit at the ready for the eventual big one. (Note to self: check on the kit and make sure it's up to date.)

January charges in with the Knight of Swords Reversed. I view the Knights as eager young adults, recent graduates who are charging forth to share their views of the world. These eager young crusaders have a message to share with the world and the Knight of Swords has a lot to say as he is the knight of the mind. However, as he is reversed he could still be a bit unsure of himself and how he might be perceived or he is still a bit tentative in his mission. 

February and March have the 4 and 7 of Pentacles respectively. The 4 shows us a young nobleman who is holding on to some coins, as Pentacles is the suit of our material life. He seems to be a bit afraid of letting them go, kind of maintaining some control over his property. Perhaps he's recently come into some money and is afraid of losing it. The 7 shows a figure contemplating his garden, perhaps ready for the harvest. Does he reap his rewards now or wait and see if they grow larger? As I go from the 4 to the 7, the increase suggests growth. Perhaps I should recognize my control issues and reflect on them, getting ready to make some changes for the better. 

In April and May, I have The Magician and Wheel of Fortune respectively and both reversed, my first Major cards of the year adding some punch to these two months. The Magician Reversed is suggesting a possible blockage or delayed seeking of additional knowledge or resources or even taking action. Perhaps I'm not pushing myself as much as I need to as the Wheel of Fortune Reversed suggests things in my life, aren’t necessarily going according to plan or aren’t changing for the better or worse. Maybe the Wheel is stuck because the Magician isn't doing his job, which, in reality, is me.

The 8 of Swords Reversed comes in June and is followed in July by the 7, also reversed. The figure in the 8 is blindfolded and bound, unable to move forward. (If I recall, this card came up last year in February, also reversed.) As Swords is the suit of the mind, the swords themselves represent our thoughts. She can't move forward due to her own thoughts; she has trapped herself. Reversing this card would suggest she's freeing herself because the swords are falling out. The 7 shows a hooded and gloved figure reaching for some swords. Is he stealing them? Why would he need more than one? This card usually suggests some sort of deception or loss. This pairing could allude to a realization of some truth, freeing myself from my own prison of thoughts and any thoughts of deception or being deceived are fallen or cleared away.

The Queen of Wands enters in August and takes charge. She is the Queen of Fire. No, she's not a pyromaniac or a pyrophile, she just has a lot of fire energy. She knows what she wants and how to get it, she's one determined queen. She's also quite charming and uses her charms to get what she wants. She's also one to help those who help her succeed. Perhaps I come into a realization of my own take-charge self and shake things up a bit. She is followed in September by the 3 of Cups, a time of celebration and friendship which would suggest I succeed at something. Or I just have a nice party with some friends. Isn't Labor day in September?

The last quarter will be an interesting one, with the last three Swords coming in; the Reversed Queen in October, the 4 upright in November and the Ace reversed in December. The Queen of Swords has taken the lessons that her son, the Knight, is learning and now has some maturity to add to her message. She is an honest, witty woman who will tell the truth even if that sword cuts a bit. She is one to see both sides of an argument and seeks fairness in her advice. However, reversed she can be a bit cold. She might be a bit more biting in her advice, less inclined to her feminine intuition. 

Could the Queen be suggesting I either become a cold and detached person or am not speaking my truths clearly? Have I not learned from the Knight in January? The 4 in November shows a soldier at rest gathering his thoughts and strength to prepare for another upcoming battle. Perhaps this is suggesting a moment to rest and gather my thoughts for the future. Whatever is happening in these last two months isn’t necessarily cleared up in December as the Ace of Swords usually suggests a moment of clarity or truth. But, as it's reversed the clarity or truth is simply not there.

The High Priestess at the center of it all suggests I really will need to trust my inner voice and intuition this coming year. Perhaps with all the Swords being reversed and the High Priestess as the focal point, this will be a big year for me to learn from her to fully trust my own inner voice and let the swords fall out, wherever they may fall, but hoping no one gets cut in the process.

With Strength as my Card of the Year (see my previous post) and the High Priestess here in the center of my reading they will be a good pair as I can, and should, rely on my own Strength to follow the teachings of the High Priestess.

So, maybe it won't be such a difficult year after all. But I do have my work cut out for me.

October

The original card from
the Rider Waite Smith deck

Since we have moved into November, it’s time to check in with my October card from my New Year's Reading and we find ourselves with the Four of Pentacles, Reversed.

As I mentioned earlier in April with the Ten of Pentacles, this is the suit associated with prosperity, abundance and material goods. As we need to work to attain prosperity, it can also relate to labor, jobs, investments, etc. As we examine the figure in the traditional card, we can see he is hanging on to his Pentacles by grasping one to his chest and standing on two of them. As four is near the beginning of the suit, this is suggesting the figure is early in his understanding of the suit. He’s made some money, or acquired some possessions and is fearful of losing them. Therefore, he’s clinging to them, or trying to control what he has. So, in an upright position, this is a card about controlling and maintaining what we have in terms of our material situation.

The Four of Pentacles,
New Palladini

In my reading, I used the New Palladini deck and this card came up reversed. Reversals can indicate a delay, an obstacle, a blockage or simply the opposite meaning. Are there things I’m hanging on to that no longer serve me? While Pentacles is mostly about material goods and possessions, this card, reversed, could also suggest a letting go of control in general. In some instances, a reversal may also suggest the upright energy of the card but to its most extreme. In this case, it might suggest the figure is taking the fear of losing his possessions to the extreme of hoarding, stinginess or outright possessiveness. 

I can always find things I’m no longer using and donate them to a charity or simply toss out. In fact, I try to make it a habit to find a minimum of fifty things throughout each year to toss. This can include outdated medications, CDs I no longer listen to, DVDs that have lost my interest, clothes that no longer fit or are too worn, etc. Or it could even be something I haven’t set eyes on in the last 6 months.

Pentacles is the suit also connected to the Earth element. Have I been outdoors in Nature much? Not really. Do I feel grounded or connected to the Earth? Again, not really.

There were some things that came up in this past month that caused me to take a look at myself.

I posted about them in a fairly recent blog, Humbled, where I learned that if you let go of an expected, or highly anticipated outcome, you will never be disappointed.

I take it that was the message of the card. Letting go of expectations, relinquishing control, or not blocking the changes meant for my higher good.

But, I still feel the need to get out into Nature more and ground myself. 

Going Home

They say you can’t go home again. I understand it’s a metaphor regarding the changes that people go through as life goes on and on for the one who leaves and those who don't. So, everything will be different when the prodigal child returns.

My old home in Sacramento

For me, that saying became literal as well. In 1976, I moved to Los Angeles from Sacramento, California for college. During my freshman year, my stepfather accepted a job in St. Louis, Missouri. So, my home in California disappeared into nothingness leaving Los Angeles as my new home. I used to tell people I didn't leave home, it left me. Missouri would never be home as I had no real connection to it and they lived there barely nine months anyway before moving once again. And, in reality, Sacramento wasn’t truly home as we’d only lived there about a year and a half before I left and two years before they did. Yet, my grandparents had lived there for as long as I can recall and remained there until they passed. So, Sacramento always was a home base of some kind.

My mother has lived in the Atlanta area since 1979. I recently went to visit and discovered another aspect of going home even if it’s just home to visit mom wherever she may reside. I’ve changed even more since my previous visit over a year ago. Last year, I’d toyed with the idea of telling her I was beginning to study the tarot and with my first baby steps in telling her, she replied “I thought they were supposed to be evil.” I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I didn’t.

This year I was still unsure about sharing that aspect of my new life. So, I chose to play it by ear. For several reasons, I ended up not opening that closet door. I tried explaining about being an empath by sharing a couple of my empathic moments. I tried explaining some of my intuitive experiences. I’m not sure she grasped any of it, but I’m grateful she listened even if she didn’t know what to say. No one usually does. I’m used to it, so I go it mostly alone, with a few friends who do understand. Kind of.

I did bring up the fact I see the same numbers over and over. I pointed out once that it was 1:11 on the clock and that I’d noticed 11:11 earlier that morning. She said she didn’t believe in that stuff. I took that as not a good sign.

I know this aspect of my life is hard to understand for those who are more secular or religious than spiritual. After all, those nasty tarot cards are frowned upon by churches and those who read them are children of the devil. We've been brainwashed not to pay attention to our intuition as it's seen by some as an evil spirit, mental illness or unreal. Other people get freaked out by it.

Mom and I had some moments of conservative vs. liberal politics but when we realized we would not see eye to eye we steered clear of them. Religion sort of reared its head and we ended up dropping that topic as well and we did the same with environmental issues. 

The view from my mother's back deck

All in all, it was similar to previous visits but for some reason my anxiety was through the roof. Maybe it was because I’m still getting used to these newer dimensions of me and I wasn’t sure of how to proceed in sharing with her, or if I even should. Maybe it was the idea of not being in my own home, my comfort zone. Perhaps it was just being around another person for 24 hours a day after living alone for so many years, regardless of who it was.

Or maybe it was just being in the conservative, oppressive south.

Maybe it was the realization that this was the first time in my life I knew she couldn’t be there for me as I needed her to be. Even as she tried.

Maybe it was all of the above.

I don’t wish to paint my mother as a difficult person. She isn’t. She is very loving and has been there as much for me as she has for my brothers and their issues. She was the only family member who initially stood by my side when I came out as gay. She has her upbringing which has led her down a conservative path and she recognizes we all have our differences which she respects.

As I reflect on what I learned about myself on this trip, I have come to this conclusion; it’s still difficult to ask for what I want or need in relationships. It wasn’t until almost the very end of my stay when I asked for some quiet time on my own. Yes, I could have gone up to "my room” and lie down or something. And, yes, I could have borrowed her car and gone into Atlanta for a day out on my own. But, it’s also hard to ask for that when you’ve made your annual trek across the country to visit and help your aging mother while recognizing she wants to maximize the time we have together. Based on her needs, obligations and other family engagements in the area, we arranged our chores around them, which then also limited my ability to go explore Atlanta. Plus, the two hour drive into the city was also a huge factor. 

So, all in all, it was a nice visit, even if it had its ups and downs. Hopefully, next time I’ll be a bit more grounded.  

Home, my comfort zone

Too Gay or Not Gay Enough?

I don’t keep it a secret that I am gay.

I also don’t run around shoving my gayness in other people’s faces.

I also don’t keep it a secret that I don’t identify with many of the values I see in the gay male community.

So, does that make me gay? Or not? 

Or am I a self-loathing homosexual?

I recently stumbled across a gay twitterstorm regarding a version of this meme:

The comments that followed were unbelievable. The vast majority of them called the user a self-loathing homosexual because his tweet suggested that men who appear to force their gayness upon others were not deserving of his respect.

While a few comments seemed to support the original tweeter, there were a few. Very few.

Full disclosure: I did not respond to any of the tweets and yes, I was a bit put off by the meme itself finding it to be judgmental. But, it was the comments of "self-loathing" aimed at the original user that also bothered me.

One response that resonated with me simply re-posted the meme with the words “DO NOT” crossed out and replaced with the word “ALSO.”

I was recently re-watching an episode of Grace and Frankie, a Netflix original program revolving around two women, Grace and Frankie, who find themselves thrown together when their husbands, Robert and Sol respectively, come out of the closet and announce their love for each other and that they’d been in an ongoing, yet secret, relationship for nearly twenty years. In this episode, Robert and Sol were planning their wedding and had asked another gay couple to prepare some appetizers for a tasting. During the episode, it was revealed that twelve years prior Robert had slept with one of the other men during a period of time when both Robert and Sol were still married to their wives, but had broken up in their own relationship. The conflict became centered on, not if but when Robert should have told Sol about the indiscretion; right after it happened while they weren’t actually speaking to each other or soon after getting back together? And for dramatic effect as well, the reveal happened while the other man and his partner were in Robert and Sol’s kitchen preparing their appetizers. Needless to say, the overdramatic, yet tenderhearted Sol reacted very angrily not just because he was never told about it in the first place, but also because up until that moment, they had only kissed or slept with each other. There had been no other men in their lives before they fell in love. They believed in monogamy. 

Yet, my problem with the whole situation was not with Robert and Sol, but with the other couple, Peter and Jeff. As Sol was throwing them out of their house, Jeff, the other man in question, commented “It was just one night and we weren’t even compatible” totally downplaying Sol's emotions and suggesting infidelity is no big deal. After Sol comments that it’s not the compatibility he’s concerned about, the following dialogue ensues:

Peter, nonchalantly: “My God, what’s the point of being gay?”
Sol, sarcastic: “I didn’t know there was a point.”
Jeff, lighthearted: “I mean if we can’t shed some of the conventions of hetero life, where's the fun?”
Sol, pointedly: “I’m not gay to shed conventions; I’m gay because I love this man. The one you just said you didn’t care too much about sleeping with.”

What turned me off to Peter and Jeff was their apparent judgment of Sol for being so hurt and not, in their opinion, accepting of the lifestyle they chose to live or living it himself. This was also apparent by the side glances and side-eye they gave each other during the conversation.

I was very moved by Sol’s last line, “I’m not gay (in order) to shed conventions. I’m gay because I love this man.” Parentheses added for emphasis.

Isn’t that what being gay is, being able to love someone of your same gender? And not just hook up? I believe we are gay for who we love, who we are attracted to. We don't have to live the same lifestyle as one another for familiarity breeds contempt. If we all live our lives in the same way, then don't we become familiar with everyone else because we all have similar values and/or social mores?

In a community that espouses diversity and inclusion, I feel we fall somewhat short. We are all on our personal journey to our own self-awareness.

Does it matter if someone wears rainbow everything? That is where they are, not you.

Does it matter if someone focuses their life around hooking up? That is their path. Just hope they are playing safely.

Does it matter if someone prefers an open relationship? You don’t have to.

Does it matter if someone dresses like a "clown" to prove their gayness? It doesn’t mean you have to. And isn’t that being a bit judgmental by applying the word ‘clown’ to someone’s choice of clothing?

I may be wrong, but doesn’t it seem a bit judgmental to be putting someone down for being different? Or for not living up to your standards? Weren't we all judged and bullied for being different? Isn’t that what we say to those who judge us for simply being who we are-judge not, lest ye be judged? Yes, we love differently, so what? Then, isn’t it somewhat hypocritical to judge someone for being different within a community that allegedly celebrates its own differences and diversity?

So, some of us are promiscuous rainbow-wearing gay men who prefer open relationships and random hookups. And some of us aren’t. Most of us fall somewhere in between. And that’s okay.

And, gasp! Some of us might even fall somewhere along the asexual/aromantic spectrum. And that’s okay, too.

And just because they aren’t where you are, doesn’t mean they loathe themselves.

They just have a different understanding of who they are.

Which is perfectly okay.

Or have to act like?

Pentacles and a King

It’s that time again. A new month means checking in on my New Year reading and the card for May is the King of Pentacles.

As I explained last month, Pentacles is the suit of our material plane, including abundance, prosperity, and what we associate with gaining those ideas. I also connect work, career, and labor here. 

The king is a member of a subgroup referred to as the Court cards. This can be a tricky group to read as they can refer to actual people or personalities, or an aspect of the person asking for the reading. In general, the kings represent a mature man who has some life experience under his belt and expresses his suit’s energy in an outwardly fashion by actively participating, by being more direct as well as more rational than the more emotional and nurturing queens.

By combining the energies of Pentacles with the personality of a king we get someone who is comfortable with his material surroundings yet not in a materialistic way. He is a wise and savvy businessman as well as a good provider, not only for his family, but for his subjects as well. He can also be generous with his possessions. He seeks to make others comfortable as he knows prosperity and abundance is one way to be comfortable in life. Contrasting this attitude is that of his wife, the Queen of Pentacles, who maintains a comfortable, relaxing home and feels happiest when her guests are content, comfortable and at ease. She comes from her heart, but but focuses on the material. She is the ultimate hostess. 

Anyway, back to the king and me.

When I saw that he followed April's Ten of Pentacles, I thought with the two Pentacles back to back, I might be in a much better place financially and that it would continue into May. Such was the case until I used my better-than-last-year’s tax return. But, it was another aspect of the King that seemed to manifest this month.

I’ve been going through things that I have not touched, or even seen in the last six months. Some have even been hidden away for years. I decided it was time to let that stuff go.

So, I did. 

Two trips to the thrift store and one to an animal shelter later, I have a lot less clutter and a lot more space. I have a few things left I might try to sell and was tracking similar items on eBay but they weren’t selling and were being listed again and again. I don’t know that I have the time and patience for that. I will trust that I’ll know what to do with them in the near future. 

So, by donating some items to thrift shops, I took on the generous nature of the King of Pentacles this month.

I wonder what the Nine of Cups will bring in June? 

Pushing Myself for Poppies

I pushed myself a bit the other day. 

But first, some background. 

I’ve come to hate driving long distances. By long distances, I mean anything over about an hour’s distance from my house. This comes from a couple of places;

1. A very difficult road trip with my family when I was younger, and
2. Years of a long commute.

My family took many road trips. We also moved a lot and not across town but across the country. We drove each time. So, I spent many hours confined in the back seat of a car behind two parents who smoked. But, one trip stands out in particular.

In January 1974, we were moving from the San Francisco Bay Area to Denver, Colorado and one leg of this trip had us spending the night in Wendover, Utah. My stepfather had decided the road from Salt Lake City to Denver was a bit too risky with the impending snowstorm, so the plan was to head north into Wyoming then across it and eventually we would head south into Denver. One extra day was worth our lives. Good thinking.

We hit the road early and stopped for breakfast/lunch in Salt Lake where I had a couple cups of coffee. Shortly after heading back out, it started to snow and my bladder began to signal me it needed relief. I conveyed this to my stepfather who said there was no place to stop, especially alongside the freeway up in the mountains during a light snowfall. I focused on the trees, the flakes, a book I was reading, on anything but the discomfort I was feeling. Hours later and a lot more discomfort, there was still no place alongside the freeway in the desolate plains of Wyoming to stop during a snowstorm. Eventually we stopped around 8:00 PM for gas and dinner either in Laramie or Cheyenne, Wyoming, I forget which due to the passages of time. I was out of the car before it stopped moving. I was also the first one in the bathroom and the last one out.

During the last fifteen years of my teaching career, I commuted to work. My commute had grown from 1.5 miles at the beginning of my career to 35 miles one way at the end, with one year in there at about 45 miles, also one way.

So, I'm not fond of driving long distances. It triggers some anxiety. 

Two other things that trigger my anxiety; crowds of people and being away from my home. I’m not fearful of the crowds, they just drain me. And home is where I recharge, my sanctuary. So, even running errands can be so incredibly draining due to dealing with people that sometimes I need a nap when I return; but I do take care of what I need to in spite of it all.

With all this in mind, I recently drove a bit of a distance, and more importantly, I chose to.

We had so much rain in Southern California this past rainy season there was a superbloom of wildflowers. As I missed the last one, I wanted to see them this time. And not on the news. But up close and personal. Plus, I could play with my camera.

So, I drove the fifty miles to the Antelope Valley Poppy Reserve, in Lancaster, California. I had also made arrangements to meet a friend who lives in the area after he got off work. So, I'd be up there a while.

I geared myself up for the drive and chose to go on a weekday to avoid any possible crowds; one of the benefits of being retired. I also left later in the morning to avoid rush hour traffic, even though I was going against the traffic flow. But, by going later, I'd be losing the good morning light; oh, the sacrifices we sometimes make. As I was going on my own, I would be on my own schedule, not waiting for anyone else to get their perfect shot, so I kind of figured I would be finished with my photography relatively soon, and I wasn't sure what there was to do up there after finishing getting my photos. So, I wanted to minimize the downtime while waiting for my friend to leave work. 

All in all, the drive wasn’t terrible except for the coffee I had in the morning. Will I ever learn?

The poppies were beautiful as was the weather. They tend to close in the wind, but the gentle breeze that day met with their approval. They remained open. Perhaps thats a lesson for me-remain open.

We need to push ourselves once in a while in order to grow.

Even if it makes us uncomfortable. 

After all, stagnation leads nowhere...

And what is it they say? Everything we want is on the other side of fear...

For more information on the AV Poppy Reserve, 
click here.