Sunday, March 12, 2017

A Fable


Once there was a young kayaker. He eagerly anticipated each and every journey along the various riverways he traveled. He savored the rushing sounds of the rapids, the tranquil moments of the smooth waters. He strengthened his skills when encountering stronger, difficult currents, regaining his breath in the calmer stretches.  Every river was a different adventure, a challenging experience.

He continued to kayak for many years. He approached each new river, or each river he had previously traveled, as a new and different learning experience though he used the same skills to navigate different rapids, different curves. Some trips had higher water levels due to a denser snowpack. Other times were not so plentiful. He learned to appreciate the different scenery along each riverbank; towering forests, majestic canyons, open deserts, grassy plains, all beautiful terrains. 

In time, the rivers seemed to grow stronger. He felt he battled longer and didn't get any further, though that wasn't really true. Sometimes, he felt as if he were paddling upstream, when indeed he wasn't. The rivers seemed to be fighting him, pushing against him-even in the calm stretches.  Each journey seemed to exhaust him more than before. He sadly realized he no longer enjoyed kayaking as much as he used to.

On his last trip home, as he unpacked his gear, storing it neatly in his garage, he knew. He had made the right decision. 

While he knew he would miss it, he accepted his decision to give up kayaking. Yet, he eagerly looked forward to finding a new interest, a new hobby, a new adventure.
 
 
 
 

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Dark Night


 
They say you should be kind to everyone because you do not know what they are going through.

If you only knew what is going on in my head and heart right now.

My emotions have been on a roller coaster lately. There are days it takes everything not to scream out of frustration. Yet, I can't pinpoint what is frustrating me so much. There are moments I want to collapse in a sobbing heap. Yet, I can't figure out what is making me want to cry.

I experience bouts of extreme fatigue which I think only adds to the frustration and sadness.

There are times I just want to stay home and avoid people altogether, but I remember I have a job and also need to run errands; grocery shopping and teaching definitely involve other people.

Then there are times where I am feeling better and ready to get on with life.

And I can't pinpoint what is causing all this. Perhaps it's simply the current Venus Retrograde while the Sun is in moody, emotional Pisces. But, that just began. My roller coaster has been going on a bit before Venus turned on us.

Or, perhaps it's something bigger.

They say everyone experiencing spiritual awakening goes through a Dark Night of the Soul-a shedding of old beliefs, thoughts and behaviors to prepare for a higher level of consciousness; a separation of the Ego from the Soul. That may be where I am now. I thought I had gained some understanding or some comprehension of all of the synchronicities I'd been experiencing which led me to a positive revelation. I thought it signified that a reunion with my Twin Flame was in the works, but then I went into a panic-what if he really did come back? After realizing I was not ready for or even wanting a relationship (for now), the thought of him possibly coming back made me begin to question what I really wanted. What was I ready for? What did I really, truly want? I don't know. True, he's let me down, and I accept that he wanted and needed to find out about himself as he told me he wasn't ready. He was too young. Now I realize that if he does come back, the possibility exists that he will let me down again and that triggered an avalanche of negative feelings toward many people and areas in my life; dating post divorce and after this particular break-up has been extremely disheartening, friends have recently let me down, blood family also has let me down time after time after time. I can only keep opening the door to these people so many times before grabbing a hammer, some nails and several sturdy 2x4s and nailing that fucking door shut!
 
I find that constantly putting my faith, trust and happiness in other peoples' hands has only lead to distrusting, to being guarded, to being closed to anything because they keep dropping it. So, why should I bother? The only person I can fully rely on is myself. Aha! Maybe that's the lesson, or at least one of them, that I'm to learn in this long Dark Night.

I realize all of this confusion and unlearning of past behaviors is an important part of the Dark Night of My Soul. And it seems to have been triggered about the time I met this young man I believe to be my Twin Flame.

The Journey of the Twin Flames is characterized by tremendous growth-both emotional and spiritual, leading to the healing of deep core wounds-abandonment issues, self-esteem issues, self-love issues, among others, because the Twin Flame is the mirror you see yourself in, all the bits and pieces, both good and bad. Therefore, the Twin Flame Journey is more about oneself, than the joining of the two. It is possible, and sometimes happens, that Twin Flames do not end up together because one, or both, of the parties is not yet ready to handle the intensity of their own healing in order for the relationship to flourish, therefore leaving one of the Twins in a kind of limbo.

This Dark Night of My Soul seems to be lasting a long time, like an Arctic Winter night. But, shedding such beliefs, thoughts and behaviors can't be rushed. And, as they say, it's harder to teach older dogs new tricks.

But, they also say, every night has a dawn.

Even an Arctic Winter one.

And, I'd like to add, "take no shit."

Monday, February 6, 2017

Dilemma

Franklin Canyon
I faced a small dilemma this week; une petite crise. There is an LGBTQ hiking group I follow on social media. I've been wanting to join them but have not up til now. They meet at various locations around the LA area usually around 9:00 a.m., which I think is ungodly early. Being that I am out of the house by 6:30 a.m. every work morning, I really, really, really enjoy my lazy weekend mornings and rarely begin my chores before 11:00. (Excuses, I know.) I'm not sleeping in, just enjoying the morning tranquility. This group only hikes on Saturdays, which cuts into my weekend time since teaching takes so much additional time and energy, I need that weekend time to catch up on household chores and to regenerate. And yes, I know, hiking in nature could help in my regeneration.
Franklin Canyon

I also hate driving, because I can spend up to two hours a day in my car. To attend some of these hikes, I would need to give myself an additional hour of travel time to meet at the appointed place. But, I promised myself I would go on the next hike this group had in one of my favorite and local hiking areas; Franklin Canyon. Well, they scheduled one for this week. However, this particular hike was billed as a "singles" hike. When I see "singles" hike or other "singles" events other than tennis, I know people attending those events are hoping to maybe find someone to potentially date to possibly look towards hopefully finding a partner or a relationship and that's not where I am. Plus, if I attend, I'm also giving off that impression, which would be misleading. Hence, the dilemma. So, I decided to avoid this particular hike breaking my promise to myself and wait for the next one that might not be so "singles" focused.

I know I'm not relationship oriented, at least not right now, because when I see other people posting about their date nights, I cringe. A friend posted about her date night with her husband and I was (and am) happy that she's happy, but I quickly scrolled past her posts. I felt uneasy. Another friend filled me in on his date with a guy he had just met, and how they made out, and the idea of making out with someone just felt so wrong. At least for me. At least for now.

Franklin Canyon
Maybe all the phony men I've recently met have something to do with it.

Maybe other recent events have had some part in my current state.

Maybe it's a bit of all of the above.

Maybe it's something else altogether.

Or maybe I'm learning to embrace more of a solitary path as I begin this next chapter in my life.

Whatever it may be.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Triplets

They say that seeing numbers in multiples is a message from the other side-maybe from guardian angels or spirit guides; a sign of the trinity (especially if it's three of the same number), or simply a blessing or affirmation.

I've been seeing them in batches.

One day a few weeks ago, on my way to a meeting I must have seen about five license plates with triples. Maybe there were more but I wasn't counting then, yet the very quantity of plates stood out to me, which caused me to start making more of a note of when and where I saw them. 

I try not to read every license plate because then I would be looking for signs and they'd lose their meaning or significance. (Plus, if I'm driving, I wouldn't be focused on the cars around me. Think safety.)  But, I do enjoy trying to figure out personalized plates, so I do glance around and simply acknowledge it should I see a triple. Many times, the cars will be directly in front of me so I can't miss it. Recently, a truck pulled out in front of me bearing the plate 89888xx. (I couldn't remember the letters on the plate.)

Last week, I announced my intention to retire from teaching. I am a bit apprehensive as this is a new chapter in my life, with some financial uncertainty. I was also thinking of the young man so recently in my life and how I miss him. I was driving home and approaching an intersection, signaled my impending left turn while a car coming from the opposite direction signaled a right. Turning into the lane behind the other driver, I read the license plate, 888.

Last week I also had a very deep spiritual conversation with a random woman. She noticed my Aquarius pendant, and commented on how spiritual Aquarians tend to be. I acknowledged I was going through some kind of spiritual awakening. During our conversation I also revealed I might be experiencing a Twin Flame relationship. She replied, "How beautiful, and I think I am too." The fact she seemed to understand this phenomenon suggested our meeting was not as random as I initially thought. I needed to stop at a particular store, but was directed to a different one in the chain than I had originally wanted. I was able to take advantage of this mis-suggestion and take care of business at another location in the same shopping center-two for the price of one, shall we say. It was in this second business where I met this woman. Immediately after finishing our conversation, I spotted a license plate, 666.

While many numerologists ascribe certain meanings to numbers, and some religions assign a meaning to the numbers above, I do not. As I see so many triples, with the occasional quadruple or quintuple thrown in, I simply have come to accept that they all are a blessing of some kind, an affirmation that I'm doing the best I can and all will turn out okay. 

It's all good.


Last Friday after work, I went out to my car to find a different car parked in front of me than the one I had parked behind in the morning; it's license plate contained the numbers 444. 

On the way home, I glanced plates with 222, then 333. 

The next morning, even though I hadn't planned on it I went shopping. As I walked through the parking lot, I glanced a license plate with 222. The purchase totaled $44.44, my debit card entitled me to a discount which brought my total down to $42.22; a discount of $2.22. Exiting the store, I saw plates with triple 8s and next to it, triple 0s. Driving across the street to pick up a bite of lunch, I parked facing the store I had just visited, part of its address was blocked by a palm tree revealing only the three 9s of the address. All this took place within 1.5 hours.
Once back at home, I played solitaire on my iPad. With no moves, I turned over three cards from the stock, all 4s. Shortly after, I walked into my guest room to close the window, glancing at the clock, I noticed it was 4:44.

Later that same evening, I left a bit early for an appointment, as I needed to stop on the way for a quick purchase. I glanced at the store address, 18555. Placing the purchase in my car, I glanced at the plate of an adjacent car, 555, as in the address. I later pulled forward to the stop sign at the end of the aisle where I had parked, directly in front of me was a license plate, 888.

Arriving at my appointment, I glimpsed a plate with 666. One hour later, after leaving my appointment I noticed the car that was now parked next to me had 444 on its plate. Before leaving the parking lot, I saw 777 and another 666. On the way home, I saw a 111, another 444 and even a plate with JJJ! Not sure what to make of triple letters, yet.

All of these latest sightings took place within two hours. That's a total of seventeen triples and one quadruple for the whole day and in a total of about four hours.

I'd say someone is trying to tell me something.

On an interesting side note, these all occurred on the Lunar New Year which heralded in the Year of the Rooster. I was born in a Rooster Year. Okay, maybe that is just a coincidence; but then again, with the sheer number of triples, who am I to say?



Friday, January 27, 2017

Time


They say that songs can songs can speak to us. I get that when I consciously listen to them. But what about when you wake up with a line or melody already running through your head? Some say it's a message from "the other side." I'm not sure what to think.

Well, I woke up with such an earworm the other day and it kept tickling all morning.

Oddly enough, it seemed to echo the theme of a post I have been contemplating writing, even if it steps on some toes.

When I read the lyrics online, the song didn't fit the general theme of where I saw the post going. But the individual line running though my head did seem to fit.

The song was Time (Clock of the Heart) by Culture Club which I hadn't heard in years. Maybe my subconscious reached way back to find it in order to tell me something. 

The line wiggling through my brain was "...time is precious, I know."

I've been dealing with some difficult situations recently, forcing me to rethink things.

I can't remember a time when I had felt so low before. Okay, maybe once back in high school when I was first entertaining the idea I might be gay and couldn't cope with that idea as a born again Christian. I mean, God wouldn't allow one of His followers to be gay, now would He? After all, God despised homosexuality and its practitioners, and if He despised me there was no point in living.

Okay, and then again, maybe once or twice during my relationship with my now ex-husband when things weren't going well. And if I didn't see an end to the pain and despair I was feeling, then there was no point in going on, was there? While in both instances I was tempted to do something drastic, I never did.

I'm glad I never acted on those impulses. 

This time, I reached out to many people, only not to hear back.

I messaged a friend, only to see my message sit in his inbox, unread and unacknowledged for over three months. 

I told a friend I really needed to talk, she replied, "Okay." I have yet to hear back, four months later.

I guess I just wasn't enough of a priority.

Other friends have had their own issues and lives and families to deal with and were very busy. While I am learning to accept that out of sight is not necessarily out of mind, I am also learning to depend mostly on myself. 

And that's a good thing. 

But, it also makes me less open to trusting others, even close friends.

And that's a bad thing.

As I read the lyrics to Time (Clock of the Heart), I understood the song to be more about a lost love, which also echoes my current situation.  

Yet, in both situations, I see a connection to the song. 

Time is indeed precious, so take advantage of the time with people in your life, as you never know what may happen.

We can lose people we love at any time, for a multitude of reasons-sudden illness, accident, natural phenomena, or something worse.

I will take ownership of the fact I didn't tell these people how low I was feeling, but that is still not an excuse to at least acknowledge a message, or follow through on a request to talk. Or to at least show a concerted effort to make time.

As far as the lost love, some further lines in the song spoke to me (about him):

This could be the best place yet,
But you must overcome your fears.
In time it could have been so much more.
The time is precious I know.

Maybe this song came to me as as an affirmation of what I was already accepting-he needs to overcome his fears. While I can't hurry him, time is indeed precious for us, as I may move on, give up entirely, or... not be here.

I've been seeing so many synchronicities around me that I am simply taking them all as an affirmation that I am on the right path, I am in the right place just where I need to be.

And all will be well, whatever is to be.

And that's a great thing.



Monday, January 2, 2017

Synchronicities 5



I am getting a bit overwhelmed with the synchronicities. And a tiny bit annoyed, but still curious as to what they all mean. Or may mean.

I'll admit to taking a few of the cheesy quizzes on Facebook. I'm sure they are tracking me and my choices. Some of them are fun, some are bizarre.

I remember clicking on one a couple of years ago, asking who's in my "posse" and ironically, someone I had a bad argument with who later unfriended me came up. Really? We aren't friends on Facebook any longer. He also turned up in another quiz as a potential housemate, though he was labeled "the difficult one."

I clicked on another one a few weeks ago, something about "What is the condition of your heart?" I waited while it scanned my profile. I waited while the image began loading. I gasped at how uncannily accurate it was. I can't remember nor find the link on my page, but it said my heart had been dragged around, and I had severe trust issues. A couple of Facebook friends remarked on how accurate mine was while theirs were far less so.

Another one having to do with my "unfinished business" stated my heart had been broken and I had been betrayed by someone I loved most. I have to get on track by living my life to the fullest and becoming someone truly incredible. Hm?

There was one other page that left me a bit freaked out. This was slightly different than one of those quizzes. This was more like a psychological/spiritual exercise similar to a Rorschach test. There have been a few others I've found interesting: a number of closed doors of different colors and door frames, or some different paths through different land areas-meadow, forest, mountains, etc. and the one you pick is either an insight into your current thoughts or situation. The instructions on this latest one were to look at the six crystals in the picture, see which one resonates with you the most. Then read the description of the stones below the photo. So, I did and I chose a crystal.

As I read the explanation that corresponded to my choice, I began to get shivers. According to this article, the stone I chose indicates that:
  • I have been receiving messages either from my dreams, visions, random thoughts or repetitive letters or numbers.
  • I am also being guided, intuitively, in a certain direction, and I should heed my intuition, as it knows best.
  • If I am having trouble sleeping, I am ignoring my gut feeling about a certain someone or situation.
  • I should acknowledge my intuition and go with the flow, and further spiritual breakthroughs will follow. This crystal also suggests a new spirit guide is waiting for me to simply reach out, believe in them and take their hand. 
Omg, this resonated big time with me. I have been seeing repetitive numbers frequently. I seem to have developed a knack for checking a clock at 11:11 and sometimes, 4:44. I've been seeing license plates with the same three numbers repeated, e.g., 222, and often more than once per day. Sometimes those numbers aren't even in sequence. Once I saw two plates on two different cars heading in opposite directions with the same last three numbers, 995. They were very briefly next to each other as one was stopped at a traffic light while the other was making a turn. That same day, I saw a third 995 on a car on my way home.

I'm trying to keep a level head about all this. (And a sense of humor helps!) But, the sheer volume of  these little "coincidences" is a tad much. I keep telling myself I am opening up to the mysteries of the Universe/Life. I am opening up to trusting that what will be will be.

And I have no control over it, at all. And I am okay with it.

Hm, I wonder who my new guide might be? I have my suspicions.

To see the original article on picking a crystal, click here.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Validation

It seems lately I've been living in a perpetual Mercury retrograde. Everything I say to people is either misunderstood, falls on deaf ears or just plain wrong.

And it's getting effing annoying.

And because of this seemingly perpetual retrograde, I am beginning to feel so misunderstood, unheard, and disregarded.

I am walking a difficult part of my path right now; so much is going on in my head and heart it is affecting my body and spirit.
 
Some might call it a transition, or a mid-life crisis.

I call it an awakening to my true authentic self.

I speak my truth-I am not looking for nor wanting a partner right now. I get bombarded with "Of course you do, you need to be happy." Only I am responsible for my happiness.

I speak my truth-I don't feel I'm gay any more as I do not feel connected with the community. In reality, yes, I am still gay in that an attractive man will catch my eye, and that orientation is natural and cannot be changed, but it will take so much more for a man to catch more than just a glance from me. I've come to feel I'm an outsider. The one who doesn't fit in. I was having this conversation with a friend when a man walked by and I happened to glance at him, and my friend questioned me, "I thought you said you weren't gay." When I pointed out the woman I had watched walk by a moment earlier, that was dismissed. As a writer, I watch people to see if I can pick up any interesting character traits. And besides, people watching is just plain fun. But, I digress.
 
I don't throw shade to make myself feel superior, I don't hypersexualize men, I don't believe every comment has to be made into sexual innuendo. I mentioned to one gay man I had been chatting with that some workmen had been at my house and he commented, "Must have been one big pornfest." Really? I posted on a social media platform that I had stopped by a new restaurant and was treated to a free lunch. A gay friend commented "Did you have to put out for it?" Seriously? Must everything in the gay male community revolve around sex? I ask guys about it and I get the  response "It's just gay guy talk." To me, that is a lame excuse, like "locker room talk" among straight men. So, it will take a lot for me to venture back into a community I no longer feel I belong to, or at least connect with.

I offer my opinion on friends' social media pages only to be shot down because I differed from their opinion or did not follow the required format for responding. I can accept that people can have differences of opinions, but what happened to respect?

I understand my life is changing; therefore, so am I. I am overwhelmed with the changes-spiritual, physical, emotional and mental-that are enveloping me. I am also adjusting both mentally and physically to aging and the body changes that accompany that process. I am of an age where retirement is not that far off, which is something else to take into consideration. As I contemplate what may lie in front of me, and I learn to trust that whatever will happen will turn out okay in the long run, it is the short run that leaves me in a whirlwind of confusion.
 
So, as all these pieces fall into place, perhaps I am overly sensitive right now.

Yet, I still need to feel I am truly being heard.

I still need to feel I am being taken seriously.

I still need to feel validated in where I am on my journey.

Perhaps I am the only one who can do all of that.