Monday, January 2, 2017

Synchronicities 5



I am getting a bit overwhelmed with the synchronicities. And a tiny bit annoyed, but still curious as to what they all mean. Or may mean.

I'll admit to taking a few of the cheesy quizzes on Facebook. I'm sure they are tracking me and my choices. Some of them are fun, some are bizarre.

I remember clicking on one a couple of years ago, asking who's in my "posse" and ironically, someone I had a bad argument with who later unfriended me came up. Really? We aren't friends on Facebook any longer. He also turned up in another quiz as a potential housemate, though he was labeled "the difficult one."

I clicked on another one a few weeks ago, something about "What is the condition of your heart?" I waited while it scanned my profile. I waited while the image began loading. I gasped at how uncannily accurate it was. I can't remember nor find the link on my page, but it said my heart had been dragged around, and I had severe trust issues. A couple of Facebook friends remarked on how accurate mine was while theirs were far less so.

Another one having to do with my "unfinished business" stated my heart had been broken and I had been betrayed by someone I loved most. I have to get on track by living my life to the fullest and becoming someone truly incredible. Hm?

There was one other page that left me a bit freaked out. This was slightly different than one of those quizzes. This was more like a psychological/spiritual exercise similar to a Rorschach test. There have been a few others I've found interesting: a number of closed doors of different colors and door frames, or some different paths through different land areas-meadow, forest, mountains, etc. and the one you pick is either an insight into your current thoughts or situation. The instructions on this latest one were to look at the six crystals in the picture, see which one resonates with you the most. Then read the description of the stones below the photo. So, I did and I chose a crystal.

As I read the explanation that corresponded to my choice, I began to get shivers. According to this article, the stone I chose indicates that:
  • I have been receiving messages either from my dreams, visions, random thoughts or repetitive letters or numbers.
  • I am also being guided, intuitively, in a certain direction, and I should heed my intuition, as it knows best.
  • If I am having trouble sleeping, I am ignoring my gut feeling about a certain someone or situation.
  • I should acknowledge my intuition and go with the flow, and further spiritual breakthroughs will follow. This crystal also suggests a new spirit guide is waiting for me to simply reach out, believe in them and take their hand. 
Omg, this resonated big time with me. I have been seeing repetitive numbers frequently. I seem to have developed a knack for checking a clock at 11:11 and sometimes, 4:44. I've been seeing license plates with the same three numbers repeated, e.g., 222, and often more than once per day. Sometimes those numbers aren't even in sequence. Once I saw two plates on two different cars heading in opposite directions with the same last three numbers, 995. They were very briefly next to each other as one was stopped at a traffic light while the other was making a turn. That same day, I saw a third 995 on a car on my way home.

I'm trying to keep a level head about all this. (And a sense of humor helps!) But, the sheer volume of  these little "coincidences" is a tad much. I keep telling myself I am opening up to the mysteries of the Universe/Life. I am opening up to trusting that what will be will be.

And I have no control over it, at all. And I am okay with it.

Hm, I wonder who my new guide might be? I have my suspicions.

To see the original article on picking a crystal, click here.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Validation

It seems lately I've been living in a perpetual Mercury retrograde. Everything I say to people is either misunderstood, falls on deaf ears or just plain wrong.

And it's getting effing annoying.

And because of this seemingly perpetual retrograde, I am beginning to feel so misunderstood, unheard, and disregarded.

I am walking a difficult part of my path right now; so much is going on in my head and heart it is affecting my body and spirit.
 
Some might call it a transition, or a mid-life crisis.

I call it an awakening to my true authentic self.

I speak my truth-I am not looking for nor wanting a partner right now. I get bombarded with "Of course you do, you need to be happy." Only I am responsible for my happiness.

I speak my truth-I don't feel I'm gay any more as I do not feel connected with the community. In reality, yes, I am still gay in that an attractive man will catch my eye, and that orientation is natural and cannot be changed, but it will take so much more for a man to catch more than just a glance from me. I've come to feel I'm an outsider. The one who doesn't fit in. I was having this conversation with a friend when a man walked by and I happened to glance at him, and my friend questioned me, "I thought you said you weren't gay." When I pointed out the woman I had watched walk by a moment earlier, that was dismissed. As a writer, I watch people to see if I can pick up any interesting character traits. And besides, people watching is just plain fun. But, I digress.
 
I don't throw shade to make myself feel superior, I don't hypersexualize men, I don't believe every comment has to be made into sexual innuendo. I mentioned to one gay man I had been chatting with that some workmen had been at my house and he commented, "Must have been one big pornfest." Really? I posted on a social media platform that I had stopped by a new restaurant and was treated to a free lunch. A gay friend commented "Did you have to put out for it?" Seriously? Must everything in the gay male community revolve around sex? I ask guys about it and I get the  response "It's just gay guy talk." To me, that is a lame excuse, like "locker room talk" among straight men. So, it will take a lot for me to venture back into a community I no longer feel I belong to, or at least connect with.

I offer my opinion on friends' social media pages only to be shot down because I differed from their opinion or did not follow the required format for responding. I can accept that people can have differences of opinions, but what happened to respect?

I understand my life is changing; therefore, so am I. I am overwhelmed with the changes-spiritual, physical, emotional and mental-that are enveloping me. I am also adjusting both mentally and physically to aging and the body changes that accompany that process. I am of an age where retirement is not that far off, which is something else to take into consideration. As I contemplate what may lie in front of me, and I learn to trust that whatever will happen will turn out okay in the long run, it is the short run that leaves me in a whirlwind of confusion.
 
So, as all these pieces fall into place, perhaps I am overly sensitive right now.

Yet, I still need to feel I am truly being heard.

I still need to feel I am being taken seriously.

I still need to feel validated in where I am on my journey.

Perhaps I am the only one who can do all of that.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Intentions 2

Why is it people feel the need to force their beliefs and/or feelings on others?

An acquaintance who is blissfully newly married insists I 'concentrate on finding a mate.'
 
WTGDF?
 
(I think she's maybe two years into her marriage-so it's not so new, but still in the 'honeymoon' phase)

Here's how it went down. I was in a room when I felt a sneeze coming on. It began to tease me, coming on slowly, and eventually beginning to build when she entered the same room, "Good Morning" she greeted me. I held up my hand to acknowledge her, and because of the look on my just-about-to-sneeze-face she stopped and waited.

"Are you coming down with something?" she asked when it finally arrived.

"No, getting over something I've had on and off since before Thanksgiving. And good morning to you."

"Well, you don't need to be sick over your winter break. That's why you need to concentrate on finding a mate."

Why? Is he going to make me feel better? Prevent me from ever catching a cold/virus/incurable disease ever again?

"No, I don't. And my therapist actually agrees with me, I'm happier not being in a relationship."

"Well, I can take you to a therapist who would disagree," she went on. 

My defenses are now rising.

At this point, a mutual acquaintance walked in on this discussion, Acquaintance 1 turns to her and asks "Aren't you happy being married?"

"Oh, yes," Acquaintance 2 answered, "He's my best friend."

A1 turns to me, "See, she's happy. You need to...."

"NO! I don't want to." I emphatically interrupted. "And, fyi, I have tried meeting men after my divorce, only to be blatantly lied to, openly deceived, and worse," I said counting them off on my fingers.

"But..." A1 tried to say...

"NO! When I see any couple-gay, lesbian, straight-engaging in any form of intimacy, I get physically ill." At this point A2 quickly departs the room.

"Well, you just have memories of before...I'll work on you after your break."

THE F*CK YOU WILL.

Now, I do understand and appreciate that A1 is acting in what she thinks is my best interest. I get that. She's finally happy, so she's proselytizing the benefits of marriage/coupledom like a good little missionary. She has good intentions, I know that. Yet, isn't there something about a certain road and its paving material leading to some unpleasant destination?

What she doesn't know is my last break up led to not only a broken heart, but a shredded soul as well. So, I'm not in an emotional state for anything at this point. And she doesn't need to know.

But, what bothers me more, is that this is my life, my journey and any trespassing on my space leaves me feeling violated. And, that's all she needs to know.

And what's more, we've had this conversation once or twice before, so she's not taking me seriously. I hate being challenged, because that sets my Aquarian tenacity even firmer. We Aquarians can be very firm in our convictions. And extremely protective of our hearts.

And being told what to do is the surest way to get an Aquarian not to do it.
 
 

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Synchronicities 4

Weird things are happening to me again. But, I don't know what to make of it all except I'm beginning to think I'm living in the Twilight Zone.

But this time it's all different. They're all "ghosts" or "echoes" from my past, sort of. Not repeated sets of numbers. And that has me freaking out. Kinda.
 
 
 

My last surviving cat passed away in 2013, and when I was emotionally ready, I set out to make her shadow box, as is my tradition. And I traditionally include the last collar each of my fur babies wore. Now, I strongly believe in keeping my cats indoors so there was no need for them to wear their collar all the time. So, I kept the collars in a safe place until I needed them, usually around the handle of their carrier. When she passed away, I donated the carrier to a rescue group, keeping the collar in a safe place for her eventual shadow box. So safe was this place, I forgot where it was when the time came to make the shadow box. I hunted and searched and looked and checked every place I knew I had remembered putting it. No luck. I had decluttered so much of my house at one point, I feared I might have accidentally thrown it out. Eventually, I began to make peace with the fact she would be the only one without her collar. But, it just recently turned up, quite unexpectedly, under a box, in a nightstand drawer I rarely open. All my fur babies now have their collars in their shadow boxes. I miss my babies so much.

Within the short time frame of three and a half weeks, four people have reached out to me to reconnect in some way; a former student, a friend, an old acquaintance, and a family member. All of these relationships had been interrupted by either time, a misunderstanding, a natural change or distancing of the relationship or something else altogether. People come in and out of our lives for many reasons. It's natural. But, four people in such a short amount of time is a bit too coincidental to not have some underlying meaning or lesson for me to note. 

Again, I believe synchronicities are seemingly random occurrences that, on closer look, might not seem so random after all. I could accept maybe two of these reconnections being coincidental, but not all four in the short amount of time in which they occurred and the vast difference in the types of people they represented in my life; my profession, my social circle, a former partner, my family.  Okay, maybe my cat's collar suddenly and unexpectedly turning up might not necessarily be connected (except the connection to my past), but these people from my past? Surely, there's something the Universe wants me to learn or be ready for. I can always exercise free will and walk away from these people, but I have to ask myself, "why now?" and "why so many?" If everything happens for a reason, I'm curious to see what the reason might be and walking away won't teach me anything.

Perhaps, one of the lessons I'm supposed to learn is that people do come back into our lives. But, they come back when they are ready, at an unexpected moment. Former students sometimes seek their teachers out for a variety of reasons, and sometimes it's just a coincidence. Friends get busy and life's priorities change and finding/making time becomes a challenge, yet can be overcome. Bridges can be mended.

Another possible lesson could be that in spite of time, distance and circumstances, I still matter to others. I still cross their minds, sometimes enough to encourage a reconnection. 
 
Or, perhaps, this is all reinforcing my new attitude of let it all go and it will all work out. But, on the Universe's timetable, not mine. I had given up hope on the collar when suddenly there it was.

I have been accused of, and I admit to, overthinking just a tad from time to time and I can see how I could overthink this. Yet, I beg to point out that this is an unusual circumstance. As I said before, the number of people all at one time is a bit overwhelming to not suggest something is afoot.

But, what?

As always, time will tell.
 

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Dilemma

I'm not sure if my dilemma is moral or ethical. I'm not sure that even matters. 

As I have blogged before, I've been exploring a more spiritual path. While on this path, I've come to accept we are souls having a human experience. I've also come to accept our souls have existed on another plane co-mingling with other souls until we are born into our human bodies at this time on this plane. I've come to believe people come in and out of our lives for a purpose. I've also come to believe we can see reflections of ourselves in the other relationships we have-what we may like/dislike in others is a reflection of what we like/dislike in ourselves whether we are aware of it or not. I've come to believe we had met some of these other people back when we were souls together on the other plane, perhaps conversing over a nice espresso at the Soul Plane Starbucks, and now we have re-connected on this plane as 'soulmates.' 

'Soulmate' doesn't necessarily mean the ONE person with whom you will spend the rest of your life à la Hollywood's interpretation; that would be 'Life Partner.' A soulmate is a person who comes into your life at just the right moment to help you through a particular lesson or stage, and when that lesson is learned, the soulmate connection is broken and you part ways. The difficulty of the lesson and how easily you learn it may affect the duration of time the soulmate remains in your life and, yes, a soulmate could even become a Life Partner.

As I've been opening up to what the Universe brings to me, I believe I have met my Twin Flame, a very special type of soulmate relationship which is similar to yet simultaneously different from a more generic soulmate.

As I read several articles on Twin Flames, a number of characteristics jumped out at me. While all Twin Flame relationships are different and unique to the individuals involved, Twin Flame relationships are usually characterized by:
  • A period of extremely intense growth-emotional and/or spiritual-for both persons;
  • A feeling of destiny-we were supposed to meet;
  • A feeling of immediate comfort-we can talk about anything;
  • A feeling of "completeness", even though we are complete unto ourselves already;
  • A deep connection to the other unlike you've ever felt before.
The Twin Flame relationship itself is also very intense, as it brings out your deepest hurts, fears and insecurities forcing you to confront them in order for your soul to grow and evolve. Due to the intense nature of the relationship, there can also be a resistance to face the fears from the human side of our being because they are the deepest core wounds, fears and insecurities; yet, the connection between the souls keeps bringing the two back together, as if you can't let go of each other. There can be stages of running and chasing, which suggests that Twin Flames initially meet when the timing is way off, rather than soulmates who meet at the right time.

Because it's the souls that have recognized each other (and not the human counterparts) who are trying to reconnect, another unique characteristic of a Twin Flame relationship is that your Twin can be, and usually is, someone you would least likely suspect, someone not typically your type, a complete opposite of you as this relationship reflects your deepest, darkest fears-your shadow self.

And that's how it is with me and my Twin. We fit each of the categories above and we are so opposite each other it is almost comical, "on paper" we shouldn't belong together. Yet, our connection is so deep, it's frightening because it transcends the differences, while simultaneously beautiful for the exact same reason. 

We're in a running stage (again) right now.

And truth be told, many Twins never reconnect as the fears can be too overwhelming for the human side of us to confront, and unless/until both Twins are ready to face their fears, the reunification may never take place.

While the articles have suggested we fit the portrait of the Twin Flame relationship, I have also seen numerous synchronicities, or signs, from the Universe that confirm he is my Twin. At least, I believe that's what the overwhelming number of synchronicities are telling me. I'm not sure he believes it or is even aware of the Twin Flame phenomenon.

So, here is my dilemma-if he is indeed my Twin Flame, and we may never reconnect (at least on this plane or incarnation) because our human sides are being overly cautious, even though our souls yearn to reunite, do I move on or do I wait? I have many other personal issues going on while I recover from this latest break, so I'm not emotionally available for anyone else at the moment and therefore I can't be truly present in a new relationship until I'm in a better place personally and also have let go of this old one, but the Universe keeps reminding me about him which then brings up the pain again which also makes letting go of him more difficult. And if the Universe does finally ease up a bit and I'm in a better place and I do meet someone who intrigues me, what do I do? Knowing my Twin is out there and may come back at any minute, is it morally (or ethically) fair to Mr. New Guy to start something? Is it fair to me not to explore it in case Mr. Twin never does return? 

Also, with the Twin Flame connection being so deep, Mr. New Guy would have to connect more deeply with me, or I would be settling for something less than what I've seen possible from someone else. I could have a deeper connection but maybe less in common (due to our age differences) with Mr. Twin Flame or a hypothetically shallower connection with more in common with Mr. New Guy. Yes, I understand each relationship is different, each connection is different, but when I've fallen for a richer dark roast coffee, I'm not suddenly going to start drinking a mellower light roast and be completely satisfied.

And please, the old "he left, he's gone, let go and move on" shtick doesn't quite work here. It trivializes the whole Twin Flame relationship and does not afford me the appropriate time to grieve.

I guess the only thing for me to do is continue on my path and trust that, one day, it will all work out.
 
One way or the other.
 

Monday, November 21, 2016

Priorities



As I posted recently, I am having difficulty seeing myself in a new relationship. I see some very attractive, sexy men, yet cannot picture myself with them. Maybe just for a cup of coffee, maybe not even that.

Yes, I have been recently hurt, and very deeply. So, yes, 'once burned, twice shy' and all that. And I feel safe to say, this was more than just being burned-is 'conflagrated' a word? Maybe 'incinerated' is a better choice.

And a few months later, when I thought I felt a bit ready, I tried stepping out a bit, only to meet an army of dishonest or disingenuous men. 

So, it is possible I am hiding behind fears. I am openly admitting to the possibility. 

But, I think it goes even deeper than that.

I have mentioned the rampant ageism in the gay male community; that many younger men see those of us over 50 as 'gross', 'creepy' and 'shouldn't be allowed in clubs.' And many men over 40/50 don't want to deal with their own age group for the extra baggage we may carry. 

But, I think it goes deeper than that, as well.

I've also recently posted how my values don't seem in synch with what I see in the gay community. In this last relationship it took me two years to realize I had feelings for him as they built organically and very naturally and were based more on internal factors than his external appearance. We took the time to allow the friendship to develop first and foremost. Most men don't want to waste their time building a stronger foundation to withstand the storms ahead.

It appears to me that many relationships start out built on superficial attractions. And while some physical attraction plays a part, there is more to a relationship than the physicality of it all.

As humans we make time for what matters to us. We make time for those people and events that are important to us. Well, maybe with the exception of our jobs and careers. I mean, we have to pay the bills, right-so we just show up. I had met someone who said he liked me; he said I was handsome and sexy, he was interested in getting to know me. Yet, three to four days would go by before he would reply to a text message, or a phone call. Friends would frequently come into town and he'd need to entertain them. He didn't make time at least to say "Hello, I'm thinking of you." If he wasn't off to work, he was off to an appointment, or a night out with friends. He might message me on his free time, not free up some time to talk or get together with me. I was not a priority.

Granted, we don't always want to appear too eager to a potential date/mate, as it could possibly scare him off. I get that. But, what happened to good old-fashioned communication? Showing someone you care or are interested. Or, just good old-fashioned politeness; treating others as you want to be treated. Actions over words. 

Getting to know someone takes time and energy. And I don't feel I have the time or energy, right now. Okay, time I can work with, I can free up some time, but creating the energy is different. I am just not motivated.

The idea of getting to know his likes and dislikes is very unsettling. The idea of someone in my personal space feels very threatening. The idea of coming up with ideas for dates, or other fun things to do to get to know him is daunting. These ideas sap my energy. 

Yes, these may all be excuses brought on by having been so recently consumed and by the disingenuousness I've encountered, but I feel it is where I am right now.

A relationship is just not a priority.

I need to make myself a priority.

And develop a relationship with me.









Sunday, November 6, 2016

The Greatest Honor

My living room from the entryway
I've been learning to honor myself. 
  • To honor my strengths;
  • To honor my weaknesses;
  • To honor where I am.
As I recover from a broken relationship, I have to give myself time to heal. 

However long that takes. 

I sat at my dining table early this morning. The sun was barely rising. I cradled a warm cup of French Roast coffee in my hands. Some contemporary jazz was softly playing on the radio, the ticking of the nearby clock reminding me of my grandparents' house, always a pleasant place for me. Morning sun filtered in through the entryway windows, casting sunbeams on the floor of the living room, temporarily lighting it up.

I glanced around my living room. The combination of the cranberry, mauve and espresso colored walls always fill me with a sense of calm. The photos on the wall take me back to where I took them; Catalina Island and Sitka, Alaska-pleasant times. The many plants give the room a quiet sense of life and energy.

I turned my gaze outside to my garden, still cast in morning shadow. The silver gazing ball peeks above the lavender. A gnome sits reading under the Cape Honeysuckle. Buddha peers out from behind a slightly overgrown lantana. Sparrows chirp from the ficus while finches respond from the neighbors' guava tree. 

I wanted to sit like this forever. I felt complete. I was whole unto myself. I was at peace. 
 
I needed nothing more.

Or no one else, either.

My garden, when it was new
Three times in recent months during different trips running errands, some very attractive men caught my eye. All were my type: dark hair, neatly trimmed beards, muscular, with a seemingly nice aura about them. One was at a Starbucks, presumably studying as we were near Occidental College, and was so engrossed in his laptop, he never looked up. The other two I noticed while on separate shopping trips. In both cases, I needed to get past them as they were standing still in the aisle looking for something on the shelf in front of them. Glancing at them, I politely excused myself as I went by. Both smiled and nodded at me, not in the lingering gay way, but as an acknowledgment of my asking to get by because they quickly returned to their search. I found one of the men sexier than the others but there was no indication he, or any of them was gay. Yet, I found myself wondering if they were gay, would I be interested?
 
And I sat with the question for a moment or two.

Well, maybe for coffee, but not much more. I just could not envision it.

I tried to picture another man drinking coffee at the table with me while in my idyll this morning. 

I could not. It just did not feel right.

I honor myself by recognizing where I am on my path right now: I am not in a place to bring anyone into my life. 

By simply honoring that that is where I am, I am giving myself the greatest honor that I can: the trifecta of self-respect, self-care, and self-love.