Check Boxes

I’m breaking one of my personal cardinal rules with this post.

Clipartmag.com

I’m going political. Sort of.

I’ve always felt political (and religious) views are personal as they invite discourse which often leads to heated discussions which in turn escalates into arguments and often disenfranchises families and friends. Someone once close to me voiced his opinion on same-sex marriage and we no longer speak. He also threw in his opinion of other aspects of gay rights, how we ‘behaved’ and some other political donkey manure and I was only too glad to walk away and respect my blood pressure.

This past week has been monumental for the United States for a number of reasons. First of all, the departing of a tumultuous, difficult, and fascist president. Yes, I’m being too kind. I could go on but then I’d digress from my point which I guess I already am.

Well, here goes my political rant.

I’m tired of hearing one particular word.

I’ve heard it a lot lately. 

To the point where I might scream. Well, only if I hear it in this particular context. After all, it is an important word.

The word is first.

I keep hearing it, and have been hearing it, with respect to Vice-President Kamala Harris.

Vice-President
Kamala Harris
(Public Domain)

I want it to be clearly understood that I respect her, I am very elated she was asked to run and that Joe Biden and she won and were safely inaugurated this week. (Can one be very elated? Are there levels of elatedness?)

I also respect Joe Biden for recognizing the need for selecting a woman of color as his running mate. It is about damn time.

Yet, I tire of hearing that she is the first.

• First Woman

• First African-American

• First African-American Woman

• First Indian

• First Asian

• First South-Asian

• First child of direct immigrants

How many other firsts can we attribute to her? Imagine if she were Jewish and Lesbian.

I also want to be clearly understood that I believe this moment is long overdue in this country. I applaud her victory. I recognize her achievements and what this means to other children of color and to other young girls.

I also recognize that we must honor these first achievements. Without recognizing these trailblazers there is no hope for future generations of marginalized people, especially the children.

When I was growing up, not yet struggling with my identity, gay men were often depicted in the media as sad, lonely, sociopaths, pedophiles, women-haters, overtly effeminate, a victim or suicidal. Or promiscuous. When I began to confront myself, those images were already etched in my subconscious. Those were very depressing impressions of what I was supposed to be if I were truly gay. First impressions can be lasting. They can be quite damaging as well, especially if you don’t see yourself fitting any one of those portrayals.

I’ve also been hearing the word or remembering hearing it attributed to many other people:

• Ilhan Omar (D-MN) one of the first two Muslim women elected to the US House of Representatives

• Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) one of the first two Muslim women elected to the US House of Representatives

• Barney Frank (D-MA) the first openly gay man elected to the US House of Representatives

• Harvey Milk, first openly gay man to be elected to the San Fransisco Board of Supervisors and first openly gay elected official in the State of California

• Alex Padilla (D-CA) the first Latino Senator from California

• Tammy Baldwin (D-WI) first openly lesbian elected to the US House of Representatives and later to the US Senate and first woman elected from Wisconsin to either chamber of Congress

• Danica Roem, first openly transgender person elected to a state legislature, the Virginia General Assembly.

I could go on...

Shirley Chisholm
(Public Domain)

While recognizing these firsts as milestones, as historic, as important, we must also recognize they will fade from our memories.

Two come to mind. The first is Shirley Chisholm, the first African-American woman elected to the US Congress, representing New York’s 12th District in the House of Representatives from 1969-1983. She also became the first African-American candidate to run for a major political party’s presidential nomination and the first woman to seek the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination. If it hadn’t been for Ms. Chisholm’s first, Kamala Harris might not have had her first.

Charles Curtis
(Public Domain)

This second one didn’t spring to mind, but was the result of some research after reading that Ms. Harris isn’t the first person of color to occupy the Vice-Presidency. She is the second. The honor of being first falls to Charles Curtis, Vice-President (1929-1933) under Herbert Hoover, which puts him a bit before my time. Mr. Curtis was born in 1860 in the then-Kansas Territory. As a member of the Kaw Nation due to his mother’s membership, he is the highest ranking person with Native American ancestry to hold an elected office. Other Native Americans had held elected office prior and many after Mr. Curtis. Mr. Curtis’ father was of European ancestry, making him also the first biracial person to serve as Vice-President.

With the election of Ms. Harris and her inauguration falling just after the Martin Luther King holiday here in the United States, some lines from his famous “I Have A Dream” speech are echoing in my head:

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today.” 

I, too, have a dream. I have a dream that one day we will stop checking off boxes to see how many firsts we can check off when a non-white cisgender heterosexual male accomplishes something.

And we can simply applaud their achievement.

That day is coming.

Photo by Kikki Starr on Unsplash

Photos of Ms. Chisholm and Mr. Curtis via https://commons.wikipedia.org

Trees

Several years ago I made a New Year’s Resolution not to make any resolutions. They are difficult to keep much past the first week, let alone the first month. Well, for me anyway. Yes, I know it has to do with making them attainable, incremental, and not to punish yourself for slipping up. As my Weight Watchers leader would say quite frequently, “You don’t total the car for simply denting the fender.” 

Instead, I simply try to live better. With the emphasis on try. That includes nutrition, exercise, weight management, etc. All the big ones. I don’t smoke and rarely have alcohol, so those don’t count.

And I’ve added a new one, being mindful or being present.

As I’ve said before, I have hypertension and that can complicate things with Covid-19 and other health related issues. So, I try to keep myself as grounded and centered as I can to avoid raising my blood pressure. It’s not easy these days.

I think I’ve posted before that on my morning walks, I listen to my favorite music and focus on the lyrics. I have a mental sing-along in my head. I’d hate to scare any other walkers with my singing voice as the only way I can carry a tune is by transporting sheet music. Lately, I’ve discovered audiobooks, but being a visual person, I still prefer to read a book before I listen to it. So, I listen to some old favorites. I just completed a Harry Potter marathon, books 3-7. I haven’t downloaded the first two yet.

But, one thing I have also noticed lately, is that I’ve been focusing more on the trees in my neighborhood as they seem to be calling out to me. I wondered what they could be saying. Besides, it keeps my attention on them instead of the troubling thoughts galloping around in my head.

I find myself entranced by the simple elegance of a naked tree. We get to see that part of the tree we take for granted; the branches. We forget they’re there when the tree is in leaf. Now, we can see the network of branches within the canopy, months before invisible to our eyes.

The shedding of the leaves also reminds me of the invisible support we all have. Just as the branches support the leaves of the tree, we have a support system we sometimes take for granted. For some, it is their network of family and friends. For others, it consists of their higher power, their intuition, the Universe/Spirit/God plus their network of family and friends.

To see a tree standing there in all its uncovered beauty is to see a miracle of nature. We don’t get to see what the tree is truly doing deep inside. It has shed what it no longer needs in order to prepare for the new.

Can we do that? Often we purge what we don’t need in the material sense, yet turn around and acquire more. But, can we purge ourselves of the memories we no longer need? Can we rid ourselves of the triggers that set off those painful emotions? Can we control the thoughts that trespass in our heads creating scenarios that might not exist, therefore adding to our anxiety and/or depression?

Then I turn around and see the evergreens; the pines, the cypress, the ficus and assorted palms so prominent here in my neighborhood. They stand tall, often above the rest. Proudly grounded, deeply rooted in the earth, yet swaying in the breeze, their greenness helping them stand out against the blue sky and their naked cousins.

On today’s walk, what truly struck me was the juxtaposition of the deciduous with the evergreens. One so vulnerable and exposed, shedding the old to prepare for the new and the other deeply grounded in remaining true to its nature.

That has become my newest quasi-resolution:

I will try my best to shed what no longer serves me, to prepare for the new while remaining true to my nature. And standing tall.

All thanks to the trees.

I guess they were talking to me.

It seems I was listening.

All photos courtesy of Jeff Ballam.

2021

The Grimalkin Tarot
(c) 2020, MJ Cullinane
Photo by Jeff Ballam

Continuing my newest tradition of drawing a New Year’s Reading giving me a glimpse into the year dawning on me, I sat down on January 1 to pull some cards. For this reading, I decided to use one of my newest decks, The Grimalkin Tarot by MJ Cullinane. 

(For information on this and other decks by MJ Cullinane, click on the link below.)

Glancing initially, I see only four major cards out of thirteen total, suggesting this year will focus more on more minor energies, rather than a lot of deeper lessons. I see only four reversed cards suggesting that most energies will be directed outward rather than internally. Six of the nine minors are Yang energy also suggesting more of an external, active, expressive year.

January brings me Temperance, a Major. To begin a year with a Major card suggests the year will start off with a bang, a bigger lesson. In the card, we see a cat walking on a narrow ledge with calm water on one side flowing over the ledge into a waterfall, while fish are swimming upstream. This would suggest I need to walk a narrow path between a calmer side and a more chaotic, turbulent side; keeping balance between two very different sides.

February brings the Knight of Swords, an energy of going forth with my own ideas, expressing my truths. We see a cat in mid-lunge, focused on his quarry, the crow. How will the horse react? This Knight can have a tendency to be too focused, a tad harsh in expressing his thoughts and ideas. I may need to watch myself as I express my thoughts and opinions, making sure not to cause an upset.

March’s card is the Ace of Swords. What opportunity is presented for me for me to expand my mind? What learning opportunity is presenting itself to me? What truths are presenting themselves to me? Will I send or receive a message of some kind? What stand must I take?

In April, I greet the Queen of Wands-an energy of going forth to pursue my passion, a new adventure or to seek to accomplish a goal close to my heart. She is also a team player, as long as you agree to play by the same rules. Will I be working with someone? 

May brings the Seven of Cups, where we see the cat dreaming of what it wants or needs. Dare I dream of something big or realize that what I see or feel is merely an illusion? Or am I to take this energy and expand my vision?

The King of Wands comes in June and adds an interesting element. The Queen and King of Wands are both about pursuing goals, passions, or adventures; yet, they come from differing points of view. Both are driven, both can be charming and use their charms to achieve their success. The Queen suggests a more emotional approach, suggesting a bit more passion in her approach and therefore, more drive. She is a woman seeking success in a man’s world, wanting to be taken seriously. The King brings the energy of a driven man, someone who sets his sights on what he wants or needs and strives to achieve it. His approach is more logical since men are more analytical. He thinks on his feet. As these two sandwich the Seven of Cups, perhaps the Queen sets the plan in motion in April, the dream becomes more realized or evident in May, and the King takes it further in June. 

July brings the first reversed card, the Emperor. This card’s energy is about order, discipline and structure. He keeps people on task. Yet, reversed this could indicate I am faltering a bit to complete the goals set by the Queen’s energy and need to be reminded of my need to keep on task, perhaps by developing some more structure.

The Page of Swords enters in August. Some new ideas are present and there is an eagerness to learn them. The Page may even encounter some problems from the Emperor Reversed in July and set out to correct them. 

The Nine of Pentacles Reversed appears in September. The first month I sense some negative energy, though not overtly so. The cat in the card sits comfortably in a garden, content in his surroundings. Perhaps this is the first month where some discomfort sets in. Will there be some financial discomfort in September?

October brings a special card for this deck only, the Grimalkin. This card brings the ancestral energy of women, the ancient healers. Grimalkin is an archaic term for a cat and cats were often seen as companions, or familiars, for women-especially women associated with the healing arts, later to be considered 'witchcraft.' Perhaps, I will need some healing. Or, will I perform some? Other energies here are solitude, letting go, walking my own path. I find this card's appearance quite intriguing as it also connects with the Hermit's energy. As I posted before, the Hermit is about introspection, walking one's own path, and is my soul card. We often think of a hermit as a man, usually elderly and an elderly, single woman as a crone.

The Cailleach Beure.  Public domain.

November and December both bring reversed cards. The Eight of Swords Reversed shows a cat trying to get past a waterfall. Cats are wary of water and this one seems determined to get past the water. What is holding it back? Its own thoughts, its own perceptions. Reversed, this card suggests letting go of my own thoughts that hold me back. I’m no longer restraining myself. Or the energy will be there for me to act upon it. The Three of Wands shows a cat looking off into the distance, wondering what is over yonder? Perhaps, it will be best to keep my focus on the present rather than the future, which being on the cusp of a new year is often the tradition of December; what will the new year hold? Nope, keep your focus closer to home. 

I add a thirteenth card for a theme. I try to use its energy throughout the year to boost the other cards. This year the card is Death. When I turned the card over, I was excited. This is not a literal card, yet metaphoric; archetypal.It’s about letting things die in one’s life, shedding the toxic. It can also be about transformation. I often think of a caterpillar when the Death card comes up. The caterpillar dissolves itself completely in order to transform into the butterfly. This will be a year of transformation for me, a lot of growth. Which is interesting. Numerologically, this is a year of 5. 2021=2 + 0+ 2 + 1=5. And 5 is the number associated with change. Change is simply change. Our reaction to it is what makes it positive or negative.

This year I will be looking at how I can release the toxic energies in each month as I work through the energies of that month's card. For example, what toxicities can I release to help me maintain the balance of Temperance? I find this card quite appropriate for January as we inaugurate a new president.

The energies are quite opposing this time. I have to find the balance within.

All in all, I like this reading.

It feels good.

For more information on decks by MJ Cullinane, click here.

Swords, Reflections and Mulan

The legendary sword, Excalibur, revealed the one true king destined to rule Camelot.

There is a scene in Disney’s animated movie Mulan where she glimpses her reflection in her father’s sword. Earlier in the movie, she begins to question who she truly is and whether she can live up to what is expected of her.

Well, we made it into January, and that means a new month. And yes, a new year, too. But, that also means I need to check in with my card for December and maybe even review the year as a whole. I’m not sure I want to do that last part.

My card for December was the Ace of Swords Reversed. As I’ve said for the last couple of months, Swords is the suit of the mind and that covers whatever goes on upstairs; thoughts, reasoning, clarity, understanding, communication, yada yada yada.

Aces offer an opportunity to seize the energy of the suit and proceed forward. I think of it like this; if I’m at a party and a server walks by with a tray of appetizers or I see a tray of them on a table, it’s up to me to decide if I want to take it or not. The Ace of Swords represents an opportunity for me to seek clarity and understanding or to expand my mind. As this is a reading for me, it could be an opportunity to understand myself a bit better. I mean the energy is there whether I seize it or not. It could even be thrust upon me.

Yet, this card is reversed. I read single cards as energy directed more inward, towards the seeker, in this case-me. So, yes, this month brought me some clarity about myself. As Swords can be, and often are, a bit pointy, some of the truths were a bit difficult to face. Others offered clarity.

Ace of Swords, Bianco Nero Tarot
Marco Proietto (c) 2018, US Games

Through this pandemic, I connected a bit more with my neighbors. I’ve always had a good relationship with the family across from me and a more congenial one with the family next to me to the north side. My neighbors on the south side would wave but we weren’t that communicative and no problems truly arose between us. However, I did have to have some work done on my ficus tree which hangs over the fence into their yard. I alerted them to the date the work would be done and asked if they could leave their gate unlocked so the crew could clean up after they were finished. The woman who answered the door was agreeable to the idea and appreciative of my letting her know. A few weeks later, she approached me and asked to exchange telephone numbers and suggested we could contact each other should there be a need. I’d already done this with the other two families.

Thanksgiving arrived and my neighbors to the north very kindly asked me if I’d like a plate of food. I thanked them and said I’d already eaten. They made the same offer over Christmas Eve and Day, making sure they asked early enough to bring it over. They felt badly I had no one to celebrate with.

My mother expressed concern over my being alone here in Los Angeles facing the worst yet of this pandemic. We are now in the stages where Europe and New York were at the beginning of the pandemic. Patients are being treated in gift shops, hallways, and other locations around the hospitals.

Both my neighbors and my mother made references to me being alone. I don’t feel alone, I feel self-reliant. Does that mean I won’t ask for help if needed? No, I’ll ask. It does mean I can depend on my neighbors. And they on me. I am very appreciative of their concern.

But, what about the public at large? Can I depend on them? Trust them? 

When I was first single, I remember asking a gay friend of mine about dating and protocols regarding safe sex. After all, I’d been off the dating market for nearly 16 years while married. I asked, “What if the guy says he’s HIV negative?” My friend’s answer; “Use condoms anyway.” “So, I should assume he’s not telling me the truth?” He had no reply. That said a lot. That began a serious trust issue I have around dating.

That trust issue has been amplified with this pandemic. We are only as safe as our ‘bubble’ or ‘pod’, as I’ve heard it called. This is the circle of family and friends we associate with. We just don’t know where they’ve been, who else enters their bubble or who they may have come in contact with, therefore increasing the potential of exposing others. Can we take just their word?

A very diligent family here in Los Angeles did come down with the virus. They practiced all the protocols; masking when out, one person did the shopping, hardly left their house, took neighborhood walks, sanitized everything, and washed their hands frequently. Yet, they still contracted the virus. The contact tracing revealed that their teenage son went out for a walk alone, snuck over to his girlfriend’s less-diligent house and apparently brought it home to his own family. 

I find myself having trust issues with others. I don’t know who else is entering others’ bubbles. Not everyone is as diligent as I am. I also don’t understand how people can eat at restaurants, even outdoors. Social distancing is suggested to be six feet apart allowing for a potential cross breeze. Yet, most outdoor tables I’ve seen aren’t six feet across nor six feet apart. Several outdoor dining areas I’ve seen have put up tarps around the sides of their dining area. This has now prevented any chance of a cross-breeze to catch any viral particles. I recall seeing a picture of a restaurant in Amsterdam which erected mini-greenhouses, fitting them with tables and chairs. This allowed for some diners to enjoy their meal “outside” while protected from other diners. The privacy and intimacy of the concept is great, especially since they are by the water. Yet, you’d best hope your companion isn’t a- or pre-symptomatic. 

Yes, I sound paranoid. I admit it. Perhaps this is one of the more painful truths the Ace of Swords revealed to me.

But, what actually is the difference between being diligent and paranoid?

I don’t want to get sick nor potentially infect anyone else. I have hypertension which is an underlying factor possibly making the disease and recovery worse for me. Plus, I don’t want to add to the stress and strain of our broken and beleaguered healthcare system. While putting others (especially, our medical personnel) first, I am also managing my health.

Another painful realization that came home is that I have become so accustomed to my solitude (even my pre-pandemic solitude) that the very idea of being around someone for more than a few hours begins to trigger my anxiety. This will complicate any potential relationship.

I have also discovered I am someone who has a hard time with people who don’t see or believe what I do. I covered this point in a previous post. I see things for the greater good of all and so should everyone else. After all, we are all on this planet together.

As Mulan saw herself in her father’s sword, the Ace of Swords Reversed allowed me a glimpse into myself. I am someone who:

• Has a good heart;

• Has trust issues around dating;

• Has trust issues around people who don’t see things for the greater good of all;

• Has difficulty expressing his opinions and accepting others’ differing ones;

• Has difficulty letting his independence down enough to possibly let someone in.

In her song “Reflections”, Mulan wonders when her reflection-which she first sees in a trough of water and later in some shiny gravestones before seeing it in the sword-will reflect who she is deep inside.

As I’ve been exploring a more spiritual path and discovering some intuitive abilities/gifts, I am also wondering when will my reflection show me who I am deep inside so I can learn to trust and better accept that aspect of myself? And eventually, myself as a whole?

I may not fully identify with her song; I mean, I’m not trying to be the perfect bride nor daughter, but the essence of the song resonates very deeply with me.

What part in this world am I meant to play? I may not play the role my family expected; I’m sure they didn’t anticipate my coming out as gay, nor developing a stronger sense of intuition, let alone reading tarot cards. If I were truly to be myself, I may not break their hearts, but will they understand? And why am I coming into this aspect of my life at my age?

One last thing about the suit of Swords. As they represent mental activity, they can also suggest overthinking. Since the last three cards of this year’s reading were all Swords, I plead guilty.

Let’s hope my reading for 2021 is better and the year is better, too.

I’ve already pulled the cards for next year. It feels good...Stay tuned.