OA

I feel I’m in need of an OA chapter.

Not Overeaters Anonymous.

Overthinkers Anonymous.

In a previous post, I mentioned my Aquarius/Libra combination along with the marriage of the King and Queen of Swords running around in my head. In the Tarot, the suit of Swords is connected to the Air element and Aquarius and Libra are both Air signs which makes me a double air person. Air is connected to the mind together with everything that goes along with it-thoughts, logic, learning, etc. Like the air itself, our thoughts can be quite turbulent at times, like a raging F5 tornado, though sometimes they can be a gentle breeze. But, rarely are they calm.

Clip art from Clipart Panda

With our current situations; political, social and Covid related, plus a few personal/emotional concerns, I’ve been in hyperdrive. Tornado sirens are going off in my head. Or the King and Queen are breeding like rabbits up there.

Even past situations have been coming back into play recently.

With the Black Lives Matter movement back in the mainstream news, I’ve taken a strong look at myself and how I may be unconsciously harboring racist and then by extension, sexist thoughts. Ones I might not have been aware of.

For example, many years ago, a young Black man, probably in his twenties, came knocking on my door. I live in a small gated community of thirty-five houses. He explained he had locked himself out of his house and heard I had a ladder tall enough to get in a second floor window so he could get his keys and wallet. Could he borrow it? Now, I had seen him once or twice in the community yet I still wondered if his story was true as I couldn’t place him in a particular house. But, I didn’t want to judge him based on his race and gender. I knew what I was doing-racially profiling him. I pushed that aside and offered to help him carry the ladder. As we walked to his house, I kept asking myself if I was doing the right thing. It bothered me that I had these thoughts the whole way there. He made it in the house, retrieved his keys and wallet then helped me bring the ladder back to my garage. He thanked me and went on his way.

As it turned out, during a Residents’ meeting later that month, I was talking with a Black woman who turned out to be his mother. I said I may have met her son and explained the situation. She told me how mad she got at him that he had locked himself out of the house and for the trouble he could have gotten himself into. She was grateful I helped him. I can’t recall if I explained my dilemma or not, but I’m sure she knew I must have had some thoughts along those lines.

I still feel badly for having had them.

One similar situation also has been coming to light lately. I was stopped at a red light on one hot afternoon also a few years ago. I decided then it was time to roll up the windows and turn on the air conditioning in my car. Just as I did this, a Black man was crossing the street in front of me. My thoughts were “OMG! I hope he doesn’t think I rolled up my windows because he was crossing in front of me!!” I tried to come back into the moment by reminding myself of my intentions and that I hadn’t seen him until after I started to roll up the windows and turn on the air. 

Now when I’m out for my morning walk and someone is walking toward me, if I can see they aren’t wearing a mask, I safely step into the street. Then I wonder if that person thinks I’m doing it because of their race. Especially if they aren’t white.

But, if they think what I think they think, then that is their business to process. I have more than enough trouble thinking about my thinking to worry about thinking what others are thinking. 

See, I told you I overthink.

I need help.

I’m trying to turn this curse into a blessing by not thinking about it. When I find my thoughts drifting into the darkness, I try to remember to bring myself back into the moment by focusing on what I am doing right then. Sometimes, if I’m walking, I focus on which foot I’m stepping with right then; right, left, right, left, etc. If I’m in my neighborhood, I focus on finding some detail of a house, a plant, or something new I hadn’t seen before. Or, I play music and focus on the lyrics. If I‘m out in nature, I focus on the sounds I’m hearing and try to identify them if possible. If I’m home, I concentrate on the task at hand, but how many times can you clean a bathroom, wash dishes, fold laundry or make the bed? Especially if you live alone? 

I will also try to focus on my breath making sure I'm breathing deep, abdominal breaths. Or I'll try a breathing strategy. Two I'll often use are:

• Breathe in for a count of four, hold for four, exhale for four, wait for four, repeat, or;
• Breathe in for a count of seven, hold for four, exhale for a count of eight, wait for a count of four, repeat.

But, my real trouble is at night when my guard is down so I can relax and drift away to sleep but my brain has other plans. Or in the morning when I’m beginning to achieve consciousness but still in that hazy, dreamy state and the train of thoughts is already pulling out of the station.

I wonder if there is such a thing as Overthinkers Anonymous and if there is a local chapter.

If not, maybe I should be a founding member?

I’ll have to think about it.

July's Card-More Reversed Swords

Radiant Tarot

Okay, it's a new month which means it’s time to check in with my New Year Reading. July’s card was the Seven of Swords Reversed.

Looking at the card in its upright position, we see a figure tiptoeing away, carrying five of seven swords. A number of questions come to mind.

Why is the figure tiptoeing away and looking over his shoulder?

Why does he seem to be smirking?

Why is he taking the swords? And only five of them?

What is going on in the background?

The combination of the tiptoeing, the smirking and looking over his shoulder all suggest he doesn’t want to be seen or heard and therefore, caught. In other words, he’s being sneaky. Even deceptive, avoidant or dishonest.

Some readers have suggested that the background action is a battle of some sort and this figure is taking the swords to disarm the combatants. Yet, if  the suit of Swords as a whole represents the mind and all the activity associated with it, then this would be a battle of wits. How does one disarm a battle of wits? I mean you can’t take away someone’s thoughts, you can only attempt to prove their reasoning to be incorrect or illogical and they then have to accept their faulty thinking process. In this day and age of who-knows-who-or-what-to-believe, it is becoming harder to reason with just about anyone. Emotions, passions and ideologies are overflowing.

I’ve also heard this card read as someone leaving a situation. Yet, to me that suggests an emotional connection as we tend to leave a situation out of an emotional reaction; e.g. fear, anger, or hurt. But if Swords is about the mind, I find it hard to make the connection that someone is leaving due to an emotional reaction. Yet, it could suggest that the evidence pointing to someone leaving the situation is faulty evidence causing some overthinking somewhere, either the person potentially leaving or the person being left behind is overthinking. This is a bit of a stretch for me. I also don’t read this as someone leaving as he is carrying swords which represent thoughts and ideas. So, this card definitely gives me the feeling of something being taken in an underhanded way. Deception is the first thing that usually comes to mind for me.

Bianco Nero Tarot
by Marco Proietto

But, I didn't use the 'traditional' deck in my reading back in January. I used the Bianco Nero Tarot by Marco Proietto. This deck definitely has a different 'feel' to it and this card definitely 'feels' darker. There is no smirk on his face and he's hidden by a hood and cloak. He's still in the process of taking the swords as he's reaching for one. With his gloved hands, he seems more prepared to deal with sharp swords compared to the figure in the card above. This card suggests he was planning this heist.

I believe this card can be read from two perspectives. The figure in both cards is definitely acting underhandedly. So, I could read the card as I am either the perpetrator or the victim. And if I am the perpetrator, I might not even be aware of anything I might be taking from someone. 

But, I can’t think of anyone I might be deceiving as I try to be honest with everyone.

With this card being reversed, it would suggest the opposite of the traditional meaning which would suggest no one is being dishonest or deceiving me. Maybe that’s the message. Whatever thoughts I might have that someone is being dishonest are faulty.

It could even mean I'm deceiving myself about something or someone.

This month has revealed a few other surprises.

I tend to pay more attention to people’s actions rather than their words. After all, actions speak much louder.

The actions of a few friends have suddenly screamed out their true nature.

So, maybe that’s it. Any 'deception' would be revealed.

While I can’t say these friends were being dishonest, maybe this truer nature of their character was being held back and now has been brought into light.

And now that they've revealed themselves, it’s up to me to tiptoe away.

Or not.

On to August's card, the high energy of the Queen of Wands. After four months of reversed cards, I'm ready for some upright energy, even hers.

Rider Waite Smith Tarot

I just hope I'm prepared for her.

Sudoku, Connections and Cher

As I mentioned in a previous post, I enjoy doing puzzles as part of my morning routine. Sudoku is one I particularly enjoy. 

For those who are unfamiliar with it, the puzzle is made of a large 9x9 grid then divided into smaller 3x3 grids. The object of the puzzle is to place the numbers 1-9 in the individual cells so that each number appears once in each of the 3x3 sections in the larger grid and subsequently in each column and row.

The easier levels start with more numbers already filled in while harder levels begin with less pre-filled cells. Makes sense.

Sudoku, Learnings.AI Inc. (c)2018

I initially started doing Sudoku with a paper/pencil version. Once I've filled in all the easier cells, I would write the numbers that might fit in the cell, like notes. Today’s apps also give you that option.

I’ve recently made a connection between Sudoku and humanity. 

As I begin to fill in the empty cells based on my notes, they start a chain reaction. For example, in the photo to the left, the pre-filled numbers are gray and the blue ones I filled in by process of elimination. The smaller numbers are possible entries for those cells, i.e., notes. If we look at the first cell of the third row, we can see only a 5 can fit there. When I click on that cell and place the 5 there, the other 5s in that 3x3 square and connected row and column will disappear. In this case, that will leave the 3 for the cell above and the 2 for the bottommost cell of that column. As I fill in those numbers, they too will disappear and trigger a chain reaction.

By process of elimination and occasional guesses, I complete most of the puzzles with few mistakes. The majority of my mistakes come from not switching back and forth between the “pencil” mode which allows me to write my notes and the regular mode where I enter my choice for the final answer.

With this global pandemic of COVID-19, I have come to see a connection between humanity and the numbers in Sudoku.

If we follow a simple monetary transaction, we can see this. But, for this example I'll have to use old fashioned money. Not plastic or the e-stuff, but the real bills and coins. I know, who really uses it anymore? Think how often a simple piece of currency can change hands. What till did you get it from? Who gave it to that cashier? What did they last touch and how long ago did they wash/sanitize their hands?  Who will you pass it on to? Think of all the other germs and bacteria that one bill carries. Now think of everything you touch during the day, particularly door handles, cash machines, public restrooms, etc. which gets added to the bill. I wish there was a way to sanitize our money, like literally laundering it legally.

This reminds me of an episode of "I Love Lucy."  In the episode, Bonus Bucks, a local newspaper is running a contest. They are publishing serial numbers of dollar bills with prizes of various amounts of money. Ricky comes home with a winner worth $300.00 and slips it into Lucy's purse while she's sleeping. Meanwhile, she had gone through all her bills earlier that day. The next morning, she pays the grocery delivery boy with the bill who then gives it to Ethel, Lucy's landlady and best friend, in change who comes up yelling she found a Bonus Buck. Ricky then explains what he did and everyone soon realizes it's the same bill. Hilarity ensues as both couples claim ownership and typical Lucy antics prevail, including a trip through Speedy Cleaners. Literally. In one short time frame, barely 10 minutes in real life, a dollar bill passes through three hands. Five, if you include Ricky and whoever gave it to him the night before.

While contracting the virus by coming in contact with a contaminated surface is becoming less likely, though still possible, the number of times a single piece of currency changes hands shows how connected we are without realizing it. Now, let's think about all the people we would come in contact with during a typical pre-lockdown day. We might kiss our family members good-bye and head off to school, work or errands. We'd chat with co-workers, cashiers, friends, neighbors, the letter carrier, FedEx or UPS deliveryperson, the server or barista where we stop after work. We might even casually talk with other shoppers at the market while picking up some last minute things for dinner. The vast majority of studies show the coronavirus is primarily spread via airborne particles so all of this close contact was putting us within range for it to infect us. Now we need to practice social distancing to slow down the spread.

With the onslaught of pushing to reopen the economy, haven't we overlooked one important factor? A healthy, robust economy depends on a healthy, robust community. Businesses do need to survive, I get it. But, for that to happen, don't customers and workers need to be healthy in order to shop or work? Or at least alive?

I totally understand we want to get back to normal. Or what we perceived was normal. We may have a new normal, at least for a while until we get a better understanding of this virus and its behaviors so we can learn to better manage it and to understand its potential long-term effects in order to establish a new sense of 'normal.' Whatever that may turn out to be.

Change is hard. The more we are forced to change, the more we resist because it is harder and scarier to accept because it's not our choice. But, with change comes the opportunity to grow and growth can trigger pain. Who likes pain (besides those into BDSM)? Though here I'm talking about emotional pain.

Three of Swords,
Radiant Tarot

We may have to let go of what was comfortable and try something new. It's like trying on a new pair of shoes because our favorite pair has worn out. The sole has worn through, the heel may have worn down or broken, it's time for them to go. The new ones may cause some blisters, some soreness, or some pinching until they're broken in. But, eventually they do and we get used to them.

I believe we are all in this together. Unfortunately, many people don't see it that way. It's all about them. They need a haircut or a mani-pedi. And they need it now with no regard for the health and safety of others. Or, that's how it appears to me.

As we engage with others, we aren't sure of where they've been. Who were they with last? How long ago? They could be a- or pre-symptomatic possibly infecting others without knowing they even have the virus. Can wearing a mask be that troublesome? Can showing compassion for others be so difficult? Who cares if your roots are showing?

I understand this has created some inconveniences for many people. We can't eat out with friends in restaurants or hang out in bars like we used to. We can't, or shouldn't, get together with family members who don't share our household like we used to. We can't travel for leisure like we used to. We can't go shopping for fun. We can't go to entertainment venues. While I don't mean to trivialize anyone's suffering, others throughout history have fared far worse: the Africans who were kidnapped and sold into slavery; all who were imprisoned in the concentration camps in Germany, Italy, Southeast Asia and the United States during WWII; those who suffered through the Cambodian, Armenian and other genocides; the indigenous cultures around the world enslaved by conquering nations sometimes in the name of religion.

I view what we are currently experiencing as inconvenient. Yes, it is difficult at times. Yes, it is frustrating. Yes, I am tired of it. But before anyone thinks I mean to trivialize or view the above atrocities as mere 'inconveniences', I do not. They were beyond horrible, despicable, appalling, I can't even find enough words. Yet, we have more distractions to help us get through this; books, music, smartphones, the internet and all that comes with it, the freedom to at least walk in our neighborhoods, the ability to shop when absolutely necessary, the freedom to just get in our cars, if we have one, and go for a drive. They did not have such luxuries.

As I said, I believe we are all connected. The money transaction is a small example of that. Yet, I also believe that as a human race, we are all connected in a greater sense as children of the Universe, or God, and we need to treat each other with more compassion. I also believe that on a higher level, a spiritual one-if you will, we are connected there as well. For that reason, I have included a link below to one of my favorite songs from Cher's 2001 largely under-appreciated album, Living Proof.

Ultimately, we only have control over ourselves. I try to have compassion for others. Some individuals make it harder; like those who treat life as normal. "If I get sick, I get sick." "If you die, you die. My life will go on." Their decision to push for normalcy has made it harder on others who have underlying health issues forcing them to make even further restrictions on their lives. For this reason, I do my part to keep myself, my family and friends from getting sick and ultimately overrunning the medical community and health care system, as well as giving the experts more time to better understand this virus in order to develop ways to control it, or if possible, ultimately eradicate it. I see this as for the greater good for all.

But, I can't force anyone to see things my way.

Unfortunately.

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