Too Gay or Not Gay Enough?

I don’t keep it a secret that I am gay.

I also don’t run around shoving my gayness in other people’s faces.

I also don’t keep it a secret that I don’t identify with many of the values I see in the gay male community.

So, does that make me gay? Or not? 

Or am I a self-loathing homosexual?

I recently stumbled across a gay twitterstorm regarding a version of this meme:

The comments that followed were unbelievable. The vast majority of them called the user a self-loathing homosexual because his tweet suggested that men who appear to force their gayness upon others were not deserving of his respect.

While a few comments seemed to support the original tweeter, there were a few. Very few.

Full disclosure: I did not respond to any of the tweets and yes, I was a bit put off by the meme itself finding it to be judgmental. But, it was the comments of "self-loathing" aimed at the original user that also bothered me.

One response that resonated with me simply re-posted the meme with the words “DO NOT” crossed out and replaced with the word “ALSO.”

I was recently re-watching an episode of Grace and Frankie, a Netflix original program revolving around two women, Grace and Frankie, who find themselves thrown together when their husbands, Robert and Sol respectively, come out of the closet and announce their love for each other and that they’d been in an ongoing, yet secret, relationship for nearly twenty years. In this episode, Robert and Sol were planning their wedding and had asked another gay couple to prepare some appetizers for a tasting. During the episode, it was revealed that twelve years prior Robert had slept with one of the other men during a period of time when both Robert and Sol were still married to their wives, but had broken up in their own relationship. The conflict became centered on, not if but when Robert should have told Sol about the indiscretion; right after it happened while they weren’t actually speaking to each other or soon after getting back together? And for dramatic effect as well, the reveal happened while the other man and his partner were in Robert and Sol’s kitchen preparing their appetizers. Needless to say, the overdramatic, yet tenderhearted Sol reacted very angrily not just because he was never told about it in the first place, but also because up until that moment, they had only kissed or slept with each other. There had been no other men in their lives before they fell in love. They believed in monogamy. 

Yet, my problem with the whole situation was not with Robert and Sol, but with the other couple, Peter and Jeff. As Sol was throwing them out of their house, Jeff, the other man in question, commented “It was just one night and we weren’t even compatible” totally downplaying Sol's emotions and suggesting infidelity is no big deal. After Sol comments that it’s not the compatibility he’s concerned about, the following dialogue ensues:

Peter, nonchalantly: “My God, what’s the point of being gay?”
Sol, sarcastic: “I didn’t know there was a point.”
Jeff, lighthearted: “I mean if we can’t shed some of the conventions of hetero life, where's the fun?”
Sol, pointedly: “I’m not gay to shed conventions; I’m gay because I love this man. The one you just said you didn’t care too much about sleeping with.”

What turned me off to Peter and Jeff was their apparent judgment of Sol for being so hurt and not, in their opinion, accepting of the lifestyle they chose to live or living it himself. This was also apparent by the side glances and side-eye they gave each other during the conversation.

I was very moved by Sol’s last line, “I’m not gay (in order) to shed conventions. I’m gay because I love this man.” Parentheses added for emphasis.

Isn’t that what being gay is, being able to love someone of your same gender? And not just hook up? I believe we are gay for who we love, who we are attracted to. We don't have to live the same lifestyle as one another for familiarity breeds contempt. If we all live our lives in the same way, then don't we become familiar with everyone else because we all have similar values and/or social mores?

In a community that espouses diversity and inclusion, I feel we fall somewhat short. We are all on our personal journey to our own self-awareness.

Does it matter if someone wears rainbow everything? That is where they are, not you.

Does it matter if someone focuses their life around hooking up? That is their path. Just hope they are playing safely.

Does it matter if someone prefers an open relationship? You don’t have to.

Does it matter if someone dresses like a "clown" to prove their gayness? It doesn’t mean you have to. And isn’t that being a bit judgmental by applying the word ‘clown’ to someone’s choice of clothing?

I may be wrong, but doesn’t it seem a bit judgmental to be putting someone down for being different? Or for not living up to your standards? Weren't we all judged and bullied for being different? Isn’t that what we say to those who judge us for simply being who we are-judge not, lest ye be judged? Yes, we love differently, so what? Then, isn’t it somewhat hypocritical to judge someone for being different within a community that allegedly celebrates its own differences and diversity?

So, some of us are promiscuous rainbow-wearing gay men who prefer open relationships and random hookups. And some of us aren’t. Most of us fall somewhere in between. And that’s okay.

And, gasp! Some of us might even fall somewhere along the asexual/aromantic spectrum. And that’s okay, too.

And just because they aren’t where you are, doesn’t mean they loathe themselves.

They just have a different understanding of who they are.

Which is perfectly okay.

Or have to act like?