Triggers

A recent conversation triggered some deep-seated emotions I thought I had overcome. 

Well, surprise!

They showed up again.

So, now I’m trying a new approach to some of these older, oft-recurring, emotions. 

Gentle confrontation.

I believe we get triggered for a reason. 

Apparently I had just buried these feelings rather than dealing with and releasing them completely in spite of the countless hours and dollars I've spent in therapy. And still am. 

Yet, I’m glad they came up. 

Growing up in a broken and dysfunctional family while moving frequently, I developed abandonment issues. They were so deep that before coming out, I swore I’d never get divorced. I would stay married for the sake of any children. This attitude was also influenced by my being a practicing Christian; Christians don't get divorced. Or, so I was indoctrinated. To be perfectly honest, I'm surprised I even wanted to pursue a relationship, let alone have a family. Even after coming out and dealing with my Christianity, I was determined to stay with my future partner till death parted us.

When my first serious relationship with a man stopped working, I still couldn’t leave him and even when he was diagnosed with HIV and told me he wanted me to go live my life, I still couldn’t. (There were other underlying issues for me there, as well.) In my second relationship, I saw some red flags early on and thought we could work on them. We didn’t. We eventually were legally married. Years later, when I fell into a deep depression, I didn’t suspect the relationship was the cause, but rather, my stagnant life. It wasn’t until after everything was finalized that I realized the relationship itself had been a big factor in my depression. Still, he was the one who left.

 

After that point in my life I believed I had come to accept that when people left me, it had more to do with them, than with me. I still believe that.

Yet, even so, I was triggered the other day.

The old childhood feelings came back and I projected them onto others. 

I'd recalled leaving messages for people who took years to return them, if they did return them at all. And the hurt came flooding back.

A close social media friend suddenly disappeared without a trace. I sent an email and received a two word reply. Subsequent emails went unanswered. Ok, so he wants to be left alone, he’s dealing with some issues. Got it. But it still hurt. 

Another friend got a bit busier than he recently had been and wasn’t replying to messages as quickly as before. With all this happening so suspiciously after the conversation, I stopped to ask, “Why? What am I supposed to learn here?” After all, I believe things happen for a reason, if only to move us in a newer and better direction or to learn a lesson. Or both.

The first lesson I felt I needed to learn was that everything isn’t what it seems. While I still haven’t heard from the one who disappeared, the busier friend is just that. Busier than usual.

The second lesson I learned was that I still need to work on overcoming these abandonment issues.

The third lesson is to stop reacting to everything. If everything isn't what it seems, does it merit a reaction? Maybe yes, maybe no. Reacting can lead to overthinking which can lead to overreacting which can lead to over-overthinking and, voilà, a vicious cycle has been born.

And that’s where gentle confrontation comes in. 

I sit with the emotion. I allow it to be present. I don’t allow it to overtake me. Okay, I try not to let it overtake me. I ask it, “What triggered you? Why are you here?" The reply, which of course is coming from deep within, tells me what I need to work on in order to calm the subsequent anxiety connecting itself to the initial reaction.

I know, easier said than done. 

But, hey, I’m trying.