Men, Pets, Relationships and Happiness

It seems people have a tendency to want others to be happy.

I get that. It shows they’re coming from a good place. They have a love and affection for someone else.

People also have a tendency to believe that what makes them happy will make others happy, too.

That is not necessarily true.

A former colleague of mine didn't like chocolate. She wasn't allergic, it just did nothing for her. I can't fathom that.

Another friend spends a lot of time at Disneyland. He says it’s his happy place. After all, it is “The Happiest Place on Earth.”

Maynard, she came to me with the name,
but it did suit her

It is not my happy place. It used to be. I am over it. Been there, done that, bought the Tee-shirt. Several, in fact. Plus, a few souvenirs, collectibles, CDs and DVDs, too. I may even have some of their own Disney Dollars still put away.

The mere thought of being in a crowded place such as Disneyland sends my anxiety into overdrive. Even seeing his pictures can trigger it.

When people realize I’m single, they encourage me to start dating. I ask them, “Why? I’m happy where I am.”

They usually reply with “But, you need a man to complete you.”

“But, I am already complete by myself.”

“A partner, a soulmate, will make you happy.” 

“Happiness is an inside job. I choose to be happy where I am. If you rely on, depend on, or expect someone else to make you happy, you WILL be disappointed.” They are usually lost at this point and I’m not ready to deliver my thesis on the definition of a soulmate. I’ve posted many blogs on THAT topic here.

Xena, such a lady

I view my happiness as if it were a fragile heirloom. I am not going to place it in the hands of another person and hope/pray they don’t drop it shattering it into a bajillion pieces.

Then they give up and suggest I need a pet.

And I offer my reasons why I disagree.

Of course they counter-argue because if having a pet makes them happy, it has to make me happy too, because, after all, all humans have exactly the same likes. And who doesn't like animals?

Recently, a dear friend of mine needed someone to watch her dog for a couple of days and asked me. I was a bit hesitant at first because even if it was only just for a couple of nights, it would still be a big change for me as my last cat crossed the rainbow bridge in 2014.

After negotiating whether I would stay at her place or her dog would come here, we settled on him joining me at my house to ease my discomfort. Plus, I would have my food, books and computer at my disposal to do what I needed to do and it would save wear and tear on my car driving back and forth checking in on him.

Part of the reason I don’t want or need a pet was seeing her anxiety surge over leaving her dog. This trip was an impromptu business trip she was required to go on. I recall the anxiety I had when I went on my Alaskan cruise in 2008, leaving my two dogs and one remaining cat with a trusted friend for one-and-a-half weeks. Plus, I started reliving the anxiety over “Did I remember everything? The vet’s number? Did I tell the vet about my friend taking care of my babies?” for that trip. 

Gabrielle, so affectionate

I collected her dog and all his accoutrements on the appointed day, drove him to my house and got him settled. He’d been to my house twice before, so it wasn’t a totally new place for him. But, he was now with me, not his mommy. Then I had to leave for a meeting. And I worried how he’d react being suddenly alone in a strange house.

The overall experience went well and he was very well-behaved given the circumstances of this also being his first time away from his mommy.

However, I came to further realize why I don’t want a pet.

After five years, I'd forgotten how demanding or needy they can be. Whenever I would sit down, he would climb in my lap. I recognized he was nervous because of the situation and gave him the attention he wanted. Eventually, he’d move over to the other side of the couch and relax. His cuddling did make reading a bit awkward whether I was reading an actual book or an e-version on one of my devices.

They can have their annoying moments. Every morning, I put out birdseed to feed a few birds on my back table. He’d bark at them. They’d fly away and then come back. He’d bark again. Since he could see them from over the sofa, I was also afraid he’d jump over the back or the arm of the sofa and get hurt landing on the floor. (I did have that happen to one of my own dogs, so I am aware of the possibility.) He’d bark at any noise in the house; the heater kicking in, the house settling, a neighbor walking by. I understood this was a new and confusing situation for him and just reassured him it was nothing to worry about.

Some of my furniture is not suited for animals. I have two leather rugs which would make cleaning a bit difficult should there be an accident on one of them. I burn a lot of candles on low-lying tables and would be concerned about a curious animal getting burned. I also have a number of plants that could be inviting to chew on, particularly for cats. One plant in particular can be toxic.

Simba, such a couch potato

I realize these are all negative aspects of having a pet and that the barking issue might suggest I’m more of a cat person, which is very true. As an adult, I’ve had more cats than dogs.

Cats are a bit more independent than dogs. They don’t need to be outside to take care of their business. I live by the rule cats should not be left to roam outside due to cars or coyotes. I also live by the general rule that the optimum number of litter boxes should be equal to the the number of cats in the house plus one. One cat needs two boxes, optimally. This is a bit flexible as the size and layout of the house can influence the number of litter boxes as well.

I admit that all the negatives can be worked around. I could toss the leather rugs and the plants. But, replacing the rugs could be costly. Which brings up another important point. I simply can’t afford it. The food, the necessities, the vaccinations and vet visits all add up and I’m not in a financial place to stretch my budget any further without it shattering. 

Mufasa, the gifted child with ADHD

I do recognize the companionship, unconditional love, and health benefits of having a pet. I've been there; I cherish the moments I had with all these precious angels. I miss them and all their little quirks terribly: Maynard, curling up in my lap when I wanted to cross-stitch; Xena, making biscuits on the tenderest part of my arm; Gabrielle, grooming my eyebrows at 3:00 in the morning; Simba, never learning to go up or down the stairs and always assuming his position to be picked up; and Mufasa, perhaps the quirkiest of them all, teaching me how he wanted to play fetch. But, I also recognize and honor where I am in my journey.

In short, having a pet is neither a responsibility I want nor an expense I can afford as I know what is emotionally best for me as well as what my budget can handle.

I just wish others would honor that as well. 

With me, always

Photos courtesy of Jeffrey Ballam

WouldaCouldaShoulda

They say there are only two reasons for looking back:

1. to check the rear view mirror when driving, and
2. to see how much progress you have made on your journey through life. 

Oh, and to see if you're being followed, like when you’re walking alone down a dark alley or in a parking structure. So, I guess there are three reasons for looking back. 

Lately, as I’ve been searching for a direction in life, I end up with a lot of down, alone time where I find myself involved with my not-so-favorite pastime; overthinking. 

It seems I’ve been overthinking past conversations I would have, could have or should have handled differently at the time. Or conversations I imagine having should the opportunity arise in the future. I like to call them “conversations after the fact.” Also known as “why didn’t I think of that at the time?” moments.

A recent conversation with a friend around a semi-sensitive subject has triggered this revelation. 

It also triggered painful memories of other difficult conversations, not only with him, but with others, around this sensitive subject.

His question was very innocent as I know he was coming from a place of caring and I understand we have differing views on this and many other subjects.

I now live a very different life than most people so I understand my choices might not resonate with many others. But for the most part, I'm comfortable with my choices and that's all that matters.

Yet, I find myself wanting to revisit this conversation with him to clarify any misconceptions I might have left with my friend.

But, will it matter? Probably not. Will he have remembered this conversation? Again, probably not. Could there even have been a misinterpretation in the first place? Most likely not, as he saw things through his viewpoint and I expressed myself through mine. Is he sitting at home wondering if he misunderstood me or thinking of what he woulda, coulda, or shoulda said differently in case he believes he said something wrong? Most definitely not. 

Revisiting the past with others isn’t always effective. Sure, it can mend fences or fix misunderstandings but sometimes it doesn’t. If this is my life and I know what I meant even if I didn’t verbalize it perfectly, does it really matter? No.

In many cases, looking at the wouldas, couldas and shouldas might trigger one more thing. Regret. I regret how I said what I said. But what does this regret trigger in me? Maybe a feeling of being misunderstood? Of not having said exactly what I wanted to say? Of wondering how my friend perceives or accepts me? A sense of having to defend my unconventional choices? Who knows? 

I also find myself looking at other potential conversations involving different people I might have to face in the future where past misunderstandings have lead to a breach of trust.

In these cases, I’ll just be prepared should I encounter these individuals in the future provided I remember then what I want to say now.

Either way, overthinking these conversations triggers anxiety in anticipation of potential future encounters with these people. 

So, what to do when I find myself in these mental conversations?

When I realize I’m think-talking to myself again, I try to bring my focus back to the moment. If I’m washing dishes, I focus on the water and suds and how they dance across the plate or bowl. If I’m walking outside, I focus on the plants and the texture of the leaves or the bark of the trees. If I’m doing something around the house, I put my energy and attention into whatever it is I’m doing. If I'm listening to music, I focus on the lyrics. Eventually, the anticipated conversation has drifted away.

If I’m trying to fall asleep, well, then I’m in trouble. I try a self-relaxation technique where I start to focus on my breath for a while, feeling it as I inhale, then as I exhale, inhale, exhale, over and over. Later, I focus on my feet and feel how heavy they are. Then my calves, up my legs to my abdomen and so on. It does work most of the time.

If that doesn’t help, there’s always Melatonin.
 

Too Gay or Not Gay Enough?

I don’t keep it a secret that I am gay.

I also don’t run around shoving my gayness in other people’s faces.

I also don’t keep it a secret that I don’t identify with many of the values I see in the gay male community.

So, does that make me gay? Or not? 

Or am I a self-loathing homosexual?

I recently stumbled across a gay twitterstorm regarding a version of this meme:

The comments that followed were unbelievable. The vast majority of them called the user a self-loathing homosexual because his tweet suggested that men who appear to force their gayness upon others were not deserving of his respect.

While a few comments seemed to support the original tweeter, there were a few. Very few.

Full disclosure: I did not respond to any of the tweets and yes, I was a bit put off by the meme itself finding it to be judgmental. But, it was the comments of "self-loathing" aimed at the original user that also bothered me.

One response that resonated with me simply re-posted the meme with the words “DO NOT” crossed out and replaced with the word “ALSO.”

I was recently re-watching an episode of Grace and Frankie, a Netflix original program revolving around two women, Grace and Frankie, who find themselves thrown together when their husbands, Robert and Sol respectively, come out of the closet and announce their love for each other and that they’d been in an ongoing, yet secret, relationship for nearly twenty years. In this episode, Robert and Sol were planning their wedding and had asked another gay couple to prepare some appetizers for a tasting. During the episode, it was revealed that twelve years prior Robert had slept with one of the other men during a period of time when both Robert and Sol were still married to their wives, but had broken up in their own relationship. The conflict became centered on, not if but when Robert should have told Sol about the indiscretion; right after it happened while they weren’t actually speaking to each other or soon after getting back together? And for dramatic effect as well, the reveal happened while the other man and his partner were in Robert and Sol’s kitchen preparing their appetizers. Needless to say, the overdramatic, yet tenderhearted Sol reacted very angrily not just because he was never told about it in the first place, but also because up until that moment, they had only kissed or slept with each other. There had been no other men in their lives before they fell in love. They believed in monogamy. 

Yet, my problem with the whole situation was not with Robert and Sol, but with the other couple, Peter and Jeff. As Sol was throwing them out of their house, Jeff, the other man in question, commented “It was just one night and we weren’t even compatible” totally downplaying Sol's emotions and suggesting infidelity is no big deal. After Sol comments that it’s not the compatibility he’s concerned about, the following dialogue ensues:

Peter, nonchalantly: “My God, what’s the point of being gay?”
Sol, sarcastic: “I didn’t know there was a point.”
Jeff, lighthearted: “I mean if we can’t shed some of the conventions of hetero life, where's the fun?”
Sol, pointedly: “I’m not gay to shed conventions; I’m gay because I love this man. The one you just said you didn’t care too much about sleeping with.”

What turned me off to Peter and Jeff was their apparent judgment of Sol for being so hurt and not, in their opinion, accepting of the lifestyle they chose to live or living it himself. This was also apparent by the side glances and side-eye they gave each other during the conversation.

I was very moved by Sol’s last line, “I’m not gay (in order) to shed conventions. I’m gay because I love this man.” Parentheses added for emphasis.

Isn’t that what being gay is, being able to love someone of your same gender? And not just hook up? I believe we are gay for who we love, who we are attracted to. We don't have to live the same lifestyle as one another for familiarity breeds contempt. If we all live our lives in the same way, then don't we become familiar with everyone else because we all have similar values and/or social mores?

In a community that espouses diversity and inclusion, I feel we fall somewhat short. We are all on our personal journey to our own self-awareness.

Does it matter if someone wears rainbow everything? That is where they are, not you.

Does it matter if someone focuses their life around hooking up? That is their path. Just hope they are playing safely.

Does it matter if someone prefers an open relationship? You don’t have to.

Does it matter if someone dresses like a "clown" to prove their gayness? It doesn’t mean you have to. And isn’t that being a bit judgmental by applying the word ‘clown’ to someone’s choice of clothing?

I may be wrong, but doesn’t it seem a bit judgmental to be putting someone down for being different? Or for not living up to your standards? Weren't we all judged and bullied for being different? Isn’t that what we say to those who judge us for simply being who we are-judge not, lest ye be judged? Yes, we love differently, so what? Then, isn’t it somewhat hypocritical to judge someone for being different within a community that allegedly celebrates its own differences and diversity?

So, some of us are promiscuous rainbow-wearing gay men who prefer open relationships and random hookups. And some of us aren’t. Most of us fall somewhere in between. And that’s okay.

And, gasp! Some of us might even fall somewhere along the asexual/aromantic spectrum. And that’s okay, too.

And just because they aren’t where you are, doesn’t mean they loathe themselves.

They just have a different understanding of who they are.

Which is perfectly okay.

Or have to act like?