Eight Reversed Swords in June

New Palladini Tarot

It's a new month and time to check in with my New Year Reading. The card for June was the lovely Eight of Swords Reversed.

I’ve written about this card before as she popped up last year but let’s have a refresher. Swords is the suit of the mind and encompasses thought, logic, reasoning, learning-anything that goes on in our heads. She’s bound and blindfolded, still trying to move forward but unable to see the swords in the ground around her. If the suit itself represents the mind and all that goes on up there, the individual swords represent the thoughts themselves. She has seemingly trapped herself by her own thoughts. A bit of overthinking, perhaps?

A reversed card can suggest the opposite of the card’s upright meaning. So, I was thinking I’d be releasing myself from the thoughts I was using to imprison myself over the last few months. It seems that was in the cards, so to speak. (Is that where this phrase comes from: the Tarot?)

Another reader I was studying a year ago suggested this idea for a single reversed card. She interprets it as an internal energy rather than external meaning it’s directed more inward than outward into the larger world. In a multiple card reading, the cards would play off each other, influencing the interpretation of the other cards and the position in the spread would also tweak each card's meaning. So, in a way this Eight of Swords could be seen as a single card as it represents one month even if it’s within a larger collective reading for a year with the energies of the cards flowing from one month into the next. Therefore, I could interpret this as a further/deeper entrapment within my own thoughts. That’s one possibility.

Radiant Rider Waite Smith Tarot

Another possibility is that the energy or lesson was there for me to learn how to release myself from my self-imprisonment. But, just because the lesson is there for me to learn, doesn’t mean I will learn it. In other words, I’ll have to face it again one of these days. This reminds me of my teaching days, how many times did I have to review a lesson because the little darlings didn’t get it the first, second or even fifteenth time I went over it? Life can also be like that.

Let’s just say, both of these interpretations could work. Yes, I do feel I am further imprisoned by thoughts and didn’t learn to release myself from this prison. Every method I’ve learned to try and refocus my mind into something more positive didn’t seem to stick.

But, I do need to be fair to myself. I didn’t expect the Covid situation to get so much worse making the month so much more challenging. I did anticipate a resurgence of cases when the states began to reopen which was way too soon in my opinion. But, the extreme of the second wave, if it was indeed a second one rather than an extension of the first one, was overwhelming to me. 

Plus, the attitude of those who still seem to think this is not to be taken seriously disturbs me greatly. I’m getting ahead of myself and another post I have in mind. 

The politics, too, around this situation have weighed heavily on me as well. How bloody difficult is it to put on a simple mask? Did people erupt in violence over “No shirt, no shoes, no service?” Was there such vicious backlash when seat belts became mandatory? Or for driving while on the cell phone/texting? How many people were killed over those policies? Again, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Even with the heavier thoughts, I do think I was meant to learn to overcome these thoughts of despair, depression and disdain for those who don’t seem to care about the seriousness of this virus and its effect on others. Or, at least try to overcome those thoughts. Sometimes, we need to learn a lesson at a higher or deeper level to advance on our journey. I feel I did try, but maybe not hard enough.

I understand that getting past these thoughts is necessary for a peaceful life and better health as anxiety and stress aren’t good on the body. Or spirit.

The overall theme of the year, the lucky thirteenth card, is the High Priestess. I really need to go further inward, into the temple and find my inner truth because I have a bit more work to do as another Swords card is next...

Radiant Rider Waite Smith Tarot

WouldaCouldaShoulda

They say there are only two reasons for looking back:

1. to check the rear view mirror when driving, and
2. to see how much progress you have made on your journey through life. 

Oh, and to see if you're being followed, like when you’re walking alone down a dark alley or in a parking structure. So, I guess there are three reasons for looking back. 

Lately, as I’ve been searching for a direction in life, I end up with a lot of down, alone time where I find myself involved with my not-so-favorite pastime; overthinking. 

It seems I’ve been overthinking past conversations I would have, could have or should have handled differently at the time. Or conversations I imagine having should the opportunity arise in the future. I like to call them “conversations after the fact.” Also known as “why didn’t I think of that at the time?” moments.

A recent conversation with a friend around a semi-sensitive subject has triggered this revelation. 

It also triggered painful memories of other difficult conversations, not only with him, but with others, around this sensitive subject.

His question was very innocent as I know he was coming from a place of caring and I understand we have differing views on this and many other subjects.

I now live a very different life than most people so I understand my choices might not resonate with many others. But for the most part, I'm comfortable with my choices and that's all that matters.

Yet, I find myself wanting to revisit this conversation with him to clarify any misconceptions I might have left with my friend.

But, will it matter? Probably not. Will he have remembered this conversation? Again, probably not. Could there even have been a misinterpretation in the first place? Most likely not, as he saw things through his viewpoint and I expressed myself through mine. Is he sitting at home wondering if he misunderstood me or thinking of what he woulda, coulda, or shoulda said differently in case he believes he said something wrong? Most definitely not. 

Revisiting the past with others isn’t always effective. Sure, it can mend fences or fix misunderstandings but sometimes it doesn’t. If this is my life and I know what I meant even if I didn’t verbalize it perfectly, does it really matter? No.

In many cases, looking at the wouldas, couldas and shouldas might trigger one more thing. Regret. I regret how I said what I said. But what does this regret trigger in me? Maybe a feeling of being misunderstood? Of not having said exactly what I wanted to say? Of wondering how my friend perceives or accepts me? A sense of having to defend my unconventional choices? Who knows? 

I also find myself looking at other potential conversations involving different people I might have to face in the future where past misunderstandings have lead to a breach of trust.

In these cases, I’ll just be prepared should I encounter these individuals in the future provided I remember then what I want to say now.

Either way, overthinking these conversations triggers anxiety in anticipation of potential future encounters with these people. 

So, what to do when I find myself in these mental conversations?

When I realize I’m think-talking to myself again, I try to bring my focus back to the moment. If I’m washing dishes, I focus on the water and suds and how they dance across the plate or bowl. If I’m walking outside, I focus on the plants and the texture of the leaves or the bark of the trees. If I’m doing something around the house, I put my energy and attention into whatever it is I’m doing. If I'm listening to music, I focus on the lyrics. Eventually, the anticipated conversation has drifted away.

If I’m trying to fall asleep, well, then I’m in trouble. I try a self-relaxation technique where I start to focus on my breath for a while, feeling it as I inhale, then as I exhale, inhale, exhale, over and over. Later, I focus on my feet and feel how heavy they are. Then my calves, up my legs to my abdomen and so on. It does work most of the time.

If that doesn’t help, there’s always Melatonin.
 

The Swords of February

New Palladini Tarot

When I did my reading for the New Year, I drew the Eight of Swords Reversed for February. Now that it's March, it's time to check in, albeit it a bit late.

When we look at the Eight of Swords upright, we see a figure wearing a blindfold with her arms bound to her sides. She is almost completely surrounded by eight swords. The blindfold obviously suggests she can't see and the bindings on her arms suggest restrictions and a lack of balance as we need our arms as a counterbalance when we walk. The swords around her suggest she is trying to move forward, yet blinded and somewhat out of balance. A tricky path indeed. How will she see what's in front of her? How will she catch herself should she stumble? Is it any wonder why so many readers see this card as a message of being stuck or restricted?

Swords is the suit of the mind; thoughts, truth, communication, and ideas are all associated with this suit. Therefore, this figure is stuck by her own thinking, ideas or perceptions. 

A reversed card in a reading could suggest the opposite of the card's basic meaning. Therefore, this card reversed could suggest a letting go of the restrictions, a freeing of the self, if you will. Or more simply put, getting unstuck. 

Radiant Rider-Waite-Smith
Tarot

As I contemplated the card at the beginning of the month and where I was then, I had a feeling the ideas, or thoughts, that were restricting me had to do with my spiritual growth and self-acceptance.

I may be mistaken. Or, maybe I just underestimated what the card may have suggested.

I have been feeling high anxiety of late. I've tried to focus on what is triggering me and what I can do to overcome it. I think I'm beginning to remove the blindfold.

I reconnected with someone very dear to me and I do believe we have a destiny together. We just hit our six month mark since reconnecting after a two and a half year separation. We have grown tremendously, both during the separation and since reconnecting. We have also grown individually and together.

And that is where some of the anxiety is coming from. This is becoming real. I've lived alone for almost nine years since the divorce with the exception of the disastrous short term roommate experiment. Should he and I take this relationship to that level, (I'm already overthinking, I admit it. It's those damn swords.) I'd have to make a few adjustments. But, I'm getting ahead of myself, way ahead of myself. Overthinking is part of my Aquarian/Libra nature. Or is it my charm? I forget. At least I now know what I need to work on to continue getting myself un-stuck. But, overcoming overthinking is not an easy task. 

But, I have also noticed I've let go of a lot. I have a deep seated fear of abandonment from my childhood and the constant moving we did. I'm learning to let go of that fear as we continue on our journey. I've also let go of expectations; of him, of me and of the relationship in general. After all, expectations are nothing but a planned disappointment.

While I first thought I knew the card referred to letting go of the restrictions or judgements I felt around accepting my spiritual gifts, which is still an underlying factor, now I feel this card seems to have also referenced some emotional baggage I've been carrying. I do feel some anxiety over getting closer with this man, which is only natural in any case. Since I've now identified where some of the anxiety is coming from, I can start removing the bindings to move forward more freely, even if I take baby steps. And since anxiety begins in the mind, the swords are very apropos here. All eight of them.

Does this mean I misinterpreted the card? Not really. I did have one idea of what the card was telling me, albeit superficially. I was already aware that I was unsure of this new spiritual direction and where it might take me and perhaps not trusting it, or myself, enough. Often, there are deeper, less superficial triggers to our anxieties, or any situation, and the Tarot can simply bring them to the surface for us to see. And therefore heal.

Or perhaps the message of the card was simply about my increasing awareness that my own thoughts, insecurities and deeper fears, whatever they may be-superficial or subterranean, are what holds me back; the more I become aware of them, the more I can remove the blindfold and bindings. And take baby steps forward. Which is still progress.

On to March and the Hanged Man.