Monday, May 30, 2011


I'm not sure where this post is taking me. I haven't thought it through yet, and maybe that's a good thing.

This Memorial Day could have been an emotional day for me, as it would have marked the 16th anniversary of the first date with my ex. Yet, he chose not to stay for it. He actually chose not to stay for the second anniversary of our legal marriage by asking for the divorce two months before. It is now almost nine months since he left, and it has not been easy. I have made progress in growing, (I almost said 'coping,' but I feel I am more than just 'coping.') And yet, there is still more to go.

I went to church today. I don't have to go to church on any particular day of the week, or to any particular building. The Earth is my church. I go to her when I want, or need, and I have been needing to go to her for a while. So, today, I went. Right now, my church is on top of a hill in Franklin Canyon Park, within the city limits of Beverly Hills, but on the San Fernando Valley side of the mountains. There I sit, and meditate on life, me, or whatever comes up. And something had come up, the day before.

I have also been going to a guided meditation for about five weeks now. I was challenged yesterday. Things came up during the meditation and in the group discussion after. As I had said, this weekend would have been our 16th anniversary and I was determined to not let it get to me; acknowledge it, yes; give in to sadness, anger, no. I was doing well until I got a text from him. Why would he text me on today of all days? Did he not know what day it was? Well, maybe not. His memory is like a sieve. His admission, not mine. And then, maybe he did.

I got angry at the text without even reading it. I let him win. All he wanted to know was if the 'children' were ok. Wouldn't I tell him if they weren't? And he wanted to know if he could take them on his regular weekend next month. I replied, "Fine. Yes." That's all.

So, I went to church. I came here to sit and meditate on what was said, and on what came up for me in the meditation. I'm on the right path to healing, I just need to dig a little, ok, a lot, deeper.

And now, I'm off to make Beer Can chicken for one!

Happy Memorial Day!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Old and New

I love this photo for a number of reasons. First, the clouds; it was very overcast that day. Second, the contrast of the old and new, the old of the Russian Orthodox Cathedral and the newer architecture of the surrounding buildings with a touch of of some 1890's architecture thrown in. Third, it was taken in a place I had wanted to visit for a number of years, Sitka, Alaska!

I chose this photo for my latest entry because it signifies to me where I am in my journey. I am referring to my 'post-divorce recovery' as my 'journey' because I am on one. Not only am I recovering from the emotional trauma of the divorce, but in the recovery I have discovered some things about myself I hadn't expected to discover. I am at a juncture of the old and new in my emotional health. In these past 8 months of recovery, (8 months since he left! Time does fly when....) I have done a lot of looking back. Not taking blame, but wanting to avoid mistakes and making better decisions in the future and in my future relationship. Yes, I know there will be one, but when and with whom, I do not know. Only the Universe does. But, damn it, I want to be ready! And he doesn't deserve the emotional mess I am right now.

I see a lot of me in this photograph. The cathedral, in the center, is my spirituality. It doesn't overpower the rest of me, it just is there as part of the scenery. The older architecture, represented by the two buildings in the lower right, are the old me, while the modern buildings, most noticeably the apartment building next to the cathedral, are the new me, which is still under development. The trees behind the city are Nature which forms an essential part of my spirituality.

I have begun attending a guided meditation group which, I'm hoping, will help me to uncover some of my issues and fears, and to unpack my emotional baggage before I continue too much farther on my journey. In one of the meditations, I came to a bridge. Across the bridge was my future and what I most wanted. Across the bridge was a silhouetted figure of a man. I could not make out his face, but he was there waiting for me.

Journeys are always frightening and, as the saying goes, always start with a single step. I've taken that step with the meditation and I have seen in my 'heart of hearts' that all will be well. Now, I just have to remind myself of that, and work through the old, while taking care of the now to prepare for the new. I am frightened, I don't know what I will uncover, and it could hurt. Emotional garbage does hurt. But, if you don't take out the garbage, it eventually takes over and ruins everything, especially a good foundation. And I'm going to need one before I meet The Man on the Bridge.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Destination Unknown

I realize I am a week (or two) behind in posting, but sometimes life gets in the way.

I have chosen this photo for this posting because it leads the viewer off to who-knows-where? And that is exactly where I feel my life is going: who knows where?

Too many distractions have come flying at me all at the same time, I have not had the time to process them all. And yet, they all have one thing in common; money, or precisely, spending it and especially since I don't have it. I don't know (nor necessarily like) the path this has put me on, and I realize I have no choice but to accept it if I am to survive.

As I sit and meditate on myself, I do realize deep down, I will survive, (I love Gloria Gaynor) and the Universe keeps telling me I will. I guess I will if the Universe tells me. But, I want to learn my lesson and move on with my life. I guess patience is also part of this lesson, but I am not a patient person especially when it comes to myself.

I must go now and bathe one of my dogs. He doesn't like it. Too bad.