Tuesday, November 29, 2016


I'm not sure if my dilemma is moral or ethical. I'm not sure that even matters. 

As I have blogged before, I've been exploring a more spiritual path. While on this path, I've come to accept we are souls having a human experience. I've also come to accept our souls have existed on another plane co-mingling with other souls until we are born into our human bodies at this time on this plane. I've come to believe people come in and out of our lives for a purpose. I've also come to believe we can see reflections of ourselves in the other relationships we have-what we may like/dislike in others is a reflection of what we like/dislike in ourselves whether we are aware of it or not. I've come to believe we had met some of these other people back when we were souls together on the other plane, perhaps conversing over a nice espresso at the Soul Plane Starbucks, and now we have re-connected on this plane as 'soulmates.' 

'Soulmate' doesn't necessarily mean the ONE person with whom you will spend the rest of your life à la Hollywood's interpretation; that would be 'Life Partner.' A soulmate is a person who comes into your life at just the right moment to help you through a particular lesson or stage, and when that lesson is learned, the soulmate connection is broken and you part ways. The difficulty of the lesson and how easily you learn it may affect the duration of time the soulmate remains in your life and, yes, a soulmate could even become a Life Partner.

As I've been opening up to what the Universe brings to me, I believe I have met my Twin Flame, a very special type of soulmate relationship which is similar to yet simultaneously different from a more generic soulmate.

As I read several articles on Twin Flames, a number of characteristics jumped out at me. While all Twin Flame relationships are different and unique to the individuals involved, Twin Flame relationships are usually characterized by:
  • A period of extremely intense growth-emotional and/or spiritual-for both persons;
  • A feeling of destiny-we were supposed to meet;
  • A feeling of immediate comfort-we can talk about anything;
  • A feeling of "completeness", even though we are complete unto ourselves already;
  • A deep connection to the other unlike you've ever felt before.
The Twin Flame relationship itself is also very intense, as it brings out your deepest hurts, fears and insecurities forcing you to confront them in order for your soul to grow and evolve. Due to the intense nature of the relationship, there can also be a resistance to face the fears from the human side of our being because they are the deepest core wounds, fears and insecurities; yet, the connection between the souls keeps bringing the two back together, as if you can't let go of each other. There can be stages of running and chasing, which suggests that Twin Flames initially meet when the timing is way off, rather than soulmates who meet at the right time.

Because it's the souls that have recognized each other (and not the human counterparts) who are trying to reconnect, another unique characteristic of a Twin Flame relationship is that your Twin can be, and usually is, someone you would least likely suspect, someone not typically your type, a complete opposite of you as this relationship reflects your deepest, darkest fears-your shadow self.

And that's how it is with me and my Twin. We fit each of the categories above and we are so opposite each other it is almost comical, "on paper" we shouldn't belong together. Yet, our connection is so deep, it's frightening because it transcends the differences, while simultaneously beautiful for the exact same reason. 

We're in a running stage (again) right now.

And truth be told, many Twins never reconnect as the fears can be too overwhelming for the human side of us to confront, and unless/until both Twins are ready to face their fears, the reunification may never take place.

While the articles have suggested we fit the portrait of the Twin Flame relationship, I have also seen numerous synchronicities, or signs, from the Universe that confirm he is my Twin. At least, I believe that's what the overwhelming number of synchronicities are telling me. I'm not sure he believes it or is even aware of the Twin Flame phenomenon.

So, here is my dilemma-if he is indeed my Twin Flame, and we may never reconnect (at least on this plane or incarnation) because our human sides are being overly cautious, even though our souls yearn to reunite, do I move on or do I wait? I have many other personal issues going on while I recover from this latest break, so I'm not emotionally available for anyone else at the moment and therefore I can't be truly present in a new relationship until I'm in a better place personally and also have let go of this old one, but the Universe keeps reminding me about him which then brings up the pain again which also makes letting go of him more difficult. And if the Universe does finally ease up a bit and I'm in a better place and I do meet someone who intrigues me, what do I do? Knowing my Twin is out there and may come back at any minute, is it morally (or ethically) fair to Mr. New Guy to start something? Is it fair to me not to explore it in case Mr. Twin never does return? 

Also, with the Twin Flame connection being so deep, Mr. New Guy would have to connect more deeply with me, or I would be settling for something less than what I've seen possible from someone else. I could have a deeper connection but maybe less in common (due to our age differences) with Mr. Twin Flame or a hypothetically shallower connection with more in common with Mr. New Guy. Yes, I understand each relationship is different, each connection is different, but when I've fallen for a richer dark roast coffee, I'm not suddenly going to start drinking a mellower light roast and be completely satisfied.

And please, the old "he left, he's gone, let go and move on" shtick doesn't quite work here. It trivializes the whole Twin Flame relationship and does not afford me the appropriate time to grieve.

I guess the only thing for me to do is continue on my path and trust that, one day, it will all work out.
One way or the other.

Monday, November 21, 2016


As I posted recently, I am having difficulty seeing myself in a new relationship. I see some very attractive, sexy men, yet cannot picture myself with them. Maybe just for a cup of coffee, maybe not even that.

Yes, I have been recently hurt, and very deeply. So, yes, 'once burned, twice shy' and all that. And I feel safe to say, this was more than just being burned-is 'conflagrated' a word? Maybe 'incinerated' is a better choice.

And a few months later, when I thought I felt a bit ready, I tried stepping out a bit, only to meet an army of dishonest or disingenuous men. 

So, it is possible I am hiding behind fears. I am openly admitting to the possibility. 

But, I think it goes even deeper than that.

I have mentioned the rampant ageism in the gay male community; that many younger men see those of us over 50 as 'gross', 'creepy' and 'shouldn't be allowed in clubs.' And many men over 40/50 don't want to deal with their own age group for the extra baggage we may carry. 

But, I think it goes deeper than that, as well.

I've also recently posted how my values don't seem in synch with what I see in the gay community. In this last relationship it took me two years to realize I had feelings for him as they built organically and very naturally and were based more on internal factors than his external appearance. We took the time to allow the friendship to develop first and foremost. Most men don't want to waste their time building a stronger foundation to withstand the storms ahead.

It appears to me that many relationships start out built on superficial attractions. And while some physical attraction plays a part, there is more to a relationship than the physicality of it all.

As humans we make time for what matters to us. We make time for those people and events that are important to us. Well, maybe with the exception of our jobs and careers. I mean, we have to pay the bills, right-so we just show up. I had met someone who said he liked me; he said I was handsome and sexy, he was interested in getting to know me. Yet, three to four days would go by before he would reply to a text message, or a phone call. Friends would frequently come into town and he'd need to entertain them. He didn't make time at least to say "Hello, I'm thinking of you." If he wasn't off to work, he was off to an appointment, or a night out with friends. He might message me on his free time, not free up some time to talk or get together with me. I was not a priority.

Granted, we don't always want to appear too eager to a potential date/mate, as it could possibly scare him off. I get that. But, what happened to good old-fashioned communication? Showing someone you care or are interested. Or, just good old-fashioned politeness; treating others as you want to be treated. Actions over words. 

Getting to know someone takes time and energy. And I don't feel I have the time or energy, right now. Okay, time I can work with, I can free up some time, but creating the energy is different. I am just not motivated.

The idea of getting to know his likes and dislikes is very unsettling. The idea of someone in my personal space feels very threatening. The idea of coming up with ideas for dates, or other fun things to do to get to know him is daunting. These ideas sap my energy. 

Yes, these may all be excuses brought on by having been so recently consumed and by the disingenuousness I've encountered, but I feel it is where I am right now.

A relationship is just not a priority.

I need to make myself a priority.

And develop a relationship with me.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

The Greatest Honor

My living room from the entryway
I've been learning to honor myself. 
  • To honor my strengths;
  • To honor my weaknesses;
  • To honor where I am.
As I recover from a broken relationship, I have to give myself time to heal. 

However long that takes. 

I sat at my dining table early this morning. The sun was barely rising. I cradled a warm cup of French Roast coffee in my hands. Some contemporary jazz was softly playing on the radio, the ticking of the nearby clock reminding me of my grandparents' house, always a pleasant place for me. Morning sun filtered in through the entryway windows, casting sunbeams on the floor of the living room, temporarily lighting it up.

I glanced around my living room. The combination of the cranberry, mauve and espresso colored walls always fill me with a sense of calm. The photos on the wall take me back to where I took them; Catalina Island and Sitka, Alaska-pleasant times. The many plants give the room a quiet sense of life and energy.

I turned my gaze outside to my garden, still cast in morning shadow. The silver gazing ball peeks above the lavender. A gnome sits reading under the Cape Honeysuckle. Buddha peers out from behind a slightly overgrown lantana. Sparrows chirp from the ficus while finches respond from the neighbors' guava tree. 

I wanted to sit like this forever. I felt complete. I was whole unto myself. I was at peace. 
I needed nothing more.

Or no one else, either.

My garden, when it was new
Three times in recent months during different trips running errands, some very attractive men caught my eye. All were my type: dark hair, neatly trimmed beards, muscular, with a seemingly nice aura about them. One was at a Starbucks, presumably studying as we were near Occidental College, and was so engrossed in his laptop, he never looked up. The other two I noticed while on separate shopping trips. In both cases, I needed to get past them as they were standing still in the aisle looking for something on the shelf in front of them. Glancing at them, I politely excused myself as I went by. Both smiled and nodded at me, not in the lingering gay way, but as an acknowledgment of my asking to get by because they quickly returned to their search. I found one of the men sexier than the others but there was no indication he, or any of them was gay. Yet, I found myself wondering if they were gay, would I be interested?
And I sat with the question for a moment or two.

Well, maybe for coffee, but not much more. I just could not envision it.

I tried to picture another man drinking coffee at the table with me while in my idyll this morning. 

I could not. It just did not feel right.

I honor myself by recognizing where I am on my path right now: I am not in a place to bring anyone into my life. 

By simply honoring that that is where I am, I am giving myself the greatest honor that I can: the trifecta of self-respect, self-care, and self-love.