Swords, Reflections and Mulan

The legendary sword, Excalibur, revealed the one true king destined to rule Camelot.

There is a scene in Disney’s animated movie Mulan where she glimpses her reflection in her father’s sword. Earlier in the movie, she begins to question who she truly is and whether she can live up to what is expected of her.

Well, we made it into January, and that means a new month. And yes, a new year, too. But, that also means I need to check in with my card for December and maybe even review the year as a whole. I’m not sure I want to do that last part.

My card for December was the Ace of Swords Reversed. As I’ve said for the last couple of months, Swords is the suit of the mind and that covers whatever goes on upstairs; thoughts, reasoning, clarity, understanding, communication, yada yada yada.

Aces offer an opportunity to seize the energy of the suit and proceed forward. I think of it like this; if I’m at a party and a server walks by with a tray of appetizers or I see a tray of them on a table, it’s up to me to decide if I want to take it or not. The Ace of Swords represents an opportunity for me to seek clarity and understanding or to expand my mind. As this is a reading for me, it could be an opportunity to understand myself a bit better. I mean the energy is there whether I seize it or not. It could even be thrust upon me.

Yet, this card is reversed. I read single cards as energy directed more inward, towards the seeker, in this case-me. So, yes, this month brought me some clarity about myself. As Swords can be, and often are, a bit pointy, some of the truths were a bit difficult to face. Others offered clarity.

Ace of Swords, Bianco Nero Tarot
Marco Proietto (c) 2018, US Games

Through this pandemic, I connected a bit more with my neighbors. I’ve always had a good relationship with the family across from me and a more congenial one with the family next to me to the north side. My neighbors on the south side would wave but we weren’t that communicative and no problems truly arose between us. However, I did have to have some work done on my ficus tree which hangs over the fence into their yard. I alerted them to the date the work would be done and asked if they could leave their gate unlocked so the crew could clean up after they were finished. The woman who answered the door was agreeable to the idea and appreciative of my letting her know. A few weeks later, she approached me and asked to exchange telephone numbers and suggested we could contact each other should there be a need. I’d already done this with the other two families.

Thanksgiving arrived and my neighbors to the north very kindly asked me if I’d like a plate of food. I thanked them and said I’d already eaten. They made the same offer over Christmas Eve and Day, making sure they asked early enough to bring it over. They felt badly I had no one to celebrate with.

My mother expressed concern over my being alone here in Los Angeles facing the worst yet of this pandemic. We are now in the stages where Europe and New York were at the beginning of the pandemic. Patients are being treated in gift shops, hallways, and other locations around the hospitals.

Both my neighbors and my mother made references to me being alone. I don’t feel alone, I feel self-reliant. Does that mean I won’t ask for help if needed? No, I’ll ask. It does mean I can depend on my neighbors. And they on me. I am very appreciative of their concern.

But, what about the public at large? Can I depend on them? Trust them? 

When I was first single, I remember asking a gay friend of mine about dating and protocols regarding safe sex. After all, I’d been off the dating market for nearly 16 years while married. I asked, “What if the guy says he’s HIV negative?” My friend’s answer; “Use condoms anyway.” “So, I should assume he’s not telling me the truth?” He had no reply. That said a lot. That began a serious trust issue I have around dating.

That trust issue has been amplified with this pandemic. We are only as safe as our ‘bubble’ or ‘pod’, as I’ve heard it called. This is the circle of family and friends we associate with. We just don’t know where they’ve been, who else enters their bubble or who they may have come in contact with, therefore increasing the potential of exposing others. Can we take just their word?

A very diligent family here in Los Angeles did come down with the virus. They practiced all the protocols; masking when out, one person did the shopping, hardly left their house, took neighborhood walks, sanitized everything, and washed their hands frequently. Yet, they still contracted the virus. The contact tracing revealed that their teenage son went out for a walk alone, snuck over to his girlfriend’s less-diligent house and apparently brought it home to his own family. 

I find myself having trust issues with others. I don’t know who else is entering others’ bubbles. Not everyone is as diligent as I am. I also don’t understand how people can eat at restaurants, even outdoors. Social distancing is suggested to be six feet apart allowing for a potential cross breeze. Yet, most outdoor tables I’ve seen aren’t six feet across nor six feet apart. Several outdoor dining areas I’ve seen have put up tarps around the sides of their dining area. This has now prevented any chance of a cross-breeze to catch any viral particles. I recall seeing a picture of a restaurant in Amsterdam which erected mini-greenhouses, fitting them with tables and chairs. This allowed for some diners to enjoy their meal “outside” while protected from other diners. The privacy and intimacy of the concept is great, especially since they are by the water. Yet, you’d best hope your companion isn’t a- or pre-symptomatic. 

Yes, I sound paranoid. I admit it. Perhaps this is one of the more painful truths the Ace of Swords revealed to me.

But, what actually is the difference between being diligent and paranoid?

I don’t want to get sick nor potentially infect anyone else. I have hypertension which is an underlying factor possibly making the disease and recovery worse for me. Plus, I don’t want to add to the stress and strain of our broken and beleaguered healthcare system. While putting others (especially, our medical personnel) first, I am also managing my health.

Another painful realization that came home is that I have become so accustomed to my solitude (even my pre-pandemic solitude) that the very idea of being around someone for more than a few hours begins to trigger my anxiety. This will complicate any potential relationship.

I have also discovered I am someone who has a hard time with people who don’t see or believe what I do. I covered this point in a previous post. I see things for the greater good of all and so should everyone else. After all, we are all on this planet together.

As Mulan saw herself in her father’s sword, the Ace of Swords Reversed allowed me a glimpse into myself. I am someone who:

• Has a good heart;

• Has trust issues around dating;

• Has trust issues around people who don’t see things for the greater good of all;

• Has difficulty expressing his opinions and accepting others’ differing ones;

• Has difficulty letting his independence down enough to possibly let someone in.

In her song “Reflections”, Mulan wonders when her reflection-which she first sees in a trough of water and later in some shiny gravestones before seeing it in the sword-will reflect who she is deep inside.

As I’ve been exploring a more spiritual path and discovering some intuitive abilities/gifts, I am also wondering when will my reflection show me who I am deep inside so I can learn to trust and better accept that aspect of myself? And eventually, myself as a whole?

I may not fully identify with her song; I mean, I’m not trying to be the perfect bride nor daughter, but the essence of the song resonates very deeply with me.

What part in this world am I meant to play? I may not play the role my family expected; I’m sure they didn’t anticipate my coming out as gay, nor developing a stronger sense of intuition, let alone reading tarot cards. If I were truly to be myself, I may not break their hearts, but will they understand? And why am I coming into this aspect of my life at my age?

One last thing about the suit of Swords. As they represent mental activity, they can also suggest overthinking. Since the last three cards of this year’s reading were all Swords, I plead guilty.

Let’s hope my reading for 2021 is better and the year is better, too.

I’ve already pulled the cards for next year. It feels good...Stay tuned.

Two Swords for September

Two of Swords
New Palladini Tarot

The card for September in my New Year Reading was the Two of Swords. It’s not always a great card to see in a reading, but not one of the worst, either.

Swords is the suit representing the mind and anything connected to it; e.g. thoughts, ideas, logic, reason, truth, and communication. For me, the connection with truth and a sword is clear; the truth can hurt whether it’s a gentle poking or an outright heart wrenching piercing, either way some pain would be involved.

Historically, swords have been associated with authority figures and justice. And justice is supposed to be based on facts and be fair and impartial. Lady Justice is usually depicted blindfolded and holding a sword and a balance scale.

The number two represents duality because of the dual nature we see around us; masculine/feminine, dark/light, positive/negative and it also suggests balance because two is an even number; there are two sides to a balance scale and at least two sides to every story. Putting these concepts together, the Two of Swords represents a duality or a balance between two thoughts or ideas. The fact the swords are crossed suggests the thoughts or ideas are crossing or competing with each other. Therefore, this card further indicates either some internal mental conflict or a disagreement with someone else. 

Lady Justice

The blindfold goes on to suggest the figure might be blind to or not facing the conflict before them, whether it’s their own personal conflict or one with someone else. It could also suggest they are focused on a solution based on the facts and not letting emotion sway them. They are remaining unbiased or impartial. Or trying to. 

When I first saw the Knight of Cups Reversed preceding this card for September, I was sure it meant havoc for me in the romance/relationship department. Was I going to meet someone who would then become distant forcing me to face a difficult decision? Or would somebody already in my life suddenly turn cold or distant forcing us into a conflicted discussion? Or would I be the figure mediating conflicts between others while remaining unbiased? I have since realized the Knight referred to my budding intuition and getting used to it. 

While I have been consulted by a couple of friends to read cards for them to gain insight into a difficult friendship in their lives, I had my own moment of clarity that led me to believe this Two of Swords also has a more specific meaning for me.

Interestingly, these moments of clarity, or “aha” moments, can be represented in a reading by the Ace of Swords, as the Aces can suggest beginnings or opportunities as relating to the theme of the suit, in this case a realization.

I came to see myself as the figure on the card and the swords as representing opposing truths, or aspects, of me. Or rather, some dualities of me:

1. Gay vs. Straight
2. Spiritual vs. Secular/Religious
3. Intuitive vs. Non-intuitive

As I am becoming more in touch with my intuition as well as some other unique moments/experiences in my life, I’ve begun to wonder, “Why me? Why now?” And more importantly, “How do I manage it? How do I use it? How do I not get overwhelmed by it all?”

But another important question for me now is, “How do I integrate this new aspect of me into my life and carry on as if nothing is different when in reality a lot is different?” It’s like a whole new closet to come out of.

So, here is how I interpret the two competing swords; one represents the communities I move through and the other is how I fit into them:

• How do I navigate a community where I am more atypical than (stereo)typical? 
• How do I live my spiritual life among communities that for the most part aren’t spiritual but more secular or even religious?
• How do I work and exercise my intuition in a world that is seemingly disbelieving or dismissive of such?

Perhaps this is all leading to the most important question of all, “How do I just be me?”

Per the blindfold in the card, it’s obvious to me I’m not facing the answer. But I know what the answer is. I just need to bring the two swords together to magically transform them into one powerful sword-my own Ace of Swords. Once that is done, I need to sheathe it, stand up, remove the blindfold and march confidently forward.

On second thought, maybe I should remove the blindfold before sheathing this new unified Sword. I don’t want any accidents.

Ace of Swords, Crow Tarot
My favorite rendition of this card

Only then can I march confidently forward.

Too Gay or Not Gay Enough?

I don’t keep it a secret that I am gay.

I also don’t run around shoving my gayness in other people’s faces.

I also don’t keep it a secret that I don’t identify with many of the values I see in the gay male community.

So, does that make me gay? Or not? 

Or am I a self-loathing homosexual?

I recently stumbled across a gay twitterstorm regarding a version of this meme:

The comments that followed were unbelievable. The vast majority of them called the user a self-loathing homosexual because his tweet suggested that men who appear to force their gayness upon others were not deserving of his respect.

While a few comments seemed to support the original tweeter, there were a few. Very few.

Full disclosure: I did not respond to any of the tweets and yes, I was a bit put off by the meme itself finding it to be judgmental. But, it was the comments of "self-loathing" aimed at the original user that also bothered me.

One response that resonated with me simply re-posted the meme with the words “DO NOT” crossed out and replaced with the word “ALSO.”

I was recently re-watching an episode of Grace and Frankie, a Netflix original program revolving around two women, Grace and Frankie, who find themselves thrown together when their husbands, Robert and Sol respectively, come out of the closet and announce their love for each other and that they’d been in an ongoing, yet secret, relationship for nearly twenty years. In this episode, Robert and Sol were planning their wedding and had asked another gay couple to prepare some appetizers for a tasting. During the episode, it was revealed that twelve years prior Robert had slept with one of the other men during a period of time when both Robert and Sol were still married to their wives, but had broken up in their own relationship. The conflict became centered on, not if but when Robert should have told Sol about the indiscretion; right after it happened while they weren’t actually speaking to each other or soon after getting back together? And for dramatic effect as well, the reveal happened while the other man and his partner were in Robert and Sol’s kitchen preparing their appetizers. Needless to say, the overdramatic, yet tenderhearted Sol reacted very angrily not just because he was never told about it in the first place, but also because up until that moment, they had only kissed or slept with each other. There had been no other men in their lives before they fell in love. They believed in monogamy. 

Yet, my problem with the whole situation was not with Robert and Sol, but with the other couple, Peter and Jeff. As Sol was throwing them out of their house, Jeff, the other man in question, commented “It was just one night and we weren’t even compatible” totally downplaying Sol's emotions and suggesting infidelity is no big deal. After Sol comments that it’s not the compatibility he’s concerned about, the following dialogue ensues:

Peter, nonchalantly: “My God, what’s the point of being gay?”
Sol, sarcastic: “I didn’t know there was a point.”
Jeff, lighthearted: “I mean if we can’t shed some of the conventions of hetero life, where's the fun?”
Sol, pointedly: “I’m not gay to shed conventions; I’m gay because I love this man. The one you just said you didn’t care too much about sleeping with.”

What turned me off to Peter and Jeff was their apparent judgment of Sol for being so hurt and not, in their opinion, accepting of the lifestyle they chose to live or living it himself. This was also apparent by the side glances and side-eye they gave each other during the conversation.

I was very moved by Sol’s last line, “I’m not gay (in order) to shed conventions. I’m gay because I love this man.” Parentheses added for emphasis.

Isn’t that what being gay is, being able to love someone of your same gender? And not just hook up? I believe we are gay for who we love, who we are attracted to. We don't have to live the same lifestyle as one another for familiarity breeds contempt. If we all live our lives in the same way, then don't we become familiar with everyone else because we all have similar values and/or social mores?

In a community that espouses diversity and inclusion, I feel we fall somewhat short. We are all on our personal journey to our own self-awareness.

Does it matter if someone wears rainbow everything? That is where they are, not you.

Does it matter if someone focuses their life around hooking up? That is their path. Just hope they are playing safely.

Does it matter if someone prefers an open relationship? You don’t have to.

Does it matter if someone dresses like a "clown" to prove their gayness? It doesn’t mean you have to. And isn’t that being a bit judgmental by applying the word ‘clown’ to someone’s choice of clothing?

I may be wrong, but doesn’t it seem a bit judgmental to be putting someone down for being different? Or for not living up to your standards? Weren't we all judged and bullied for being different? Isn’t that what we say to those who judge us for simply being who we are-judge not, lest ye be judged? Yes, we love differently, so what? Then, isn’t it somewhat hypocritical to judge someone for being different within a community that allegedly celebrates its own differences and diversity?

So, some of us are promiscuous rainbow-wearing gay men who prefer open relationships and random hookups. And some of us aren’t. Most of us fall somewhere in between. And that’s okay.

And, gasp! Some of us might even fall somewhere along the asexual/aromantic spectrum. And that’s okay, too.

And just because they aren’t where you are, doesn’t mean they loathe themselves.

They just have a different understanding of who they are.

Which is perfectly okay.

Or have to act like?

The Hanged Man of March

Deck: Radiant Rider Waite Smith

When I did my New Year reading for 2019, I felt the whole spread seemed to divide itself into quarters as the cards appeared to group themselves that way. Two of the first three cards all seemed to suggest a letting go or becoming unstuck with the first card setting the tone of the quarter. 

With March having ended, it's time to review not only March but the quarter as well.

The Hanged Man suggests a surrender, a letting go, a crossroads of some kind. Even though he is hanging, albeit upside-down with all the blood slowly entering his brain, his face shows peace; and in many decks, a halo glows around his head. He has surrendered his life willingly for the greater good, a cause he believes in. While the image can be perceived as a bit unnerving, it is eventually for a greater good. No pain, no gain.

I have been letting go of a lot this month; a lot of pain, so a lot of gain, though sometimes I have to remind myself of the potential gain as it’s too easy not to accept the positive and slide back into the abyss. Sometimes we are more comfortable in the pain as we don’t know how to live or exist without it. We’ve been comfortable far too long with it as we've simply learned to manage it. What lies ahead in the light? After all, light can be blinding to the eyes so accustomed to the darkness.

I am trying to let go of having to know the answers right now. Why is all this change happening to me? What does it all mean? Why me? Do I deserve it? What lies ahead? 

I feel those are the eternal questions of life. Change is the only constant in our lives and sometimes the change is so drastic it does become a bit frightening. Okay, very frightening. But, always for our greater good. In the end, sometime.

I’ve also been letting go of what no longer serves me. In any sense. 

I’ve merged my internet, television and landline (yes, I still have one) into one account for a cheaper amount and better service. (It’s still a bit new, so the jury is still deciding on how good the service [and savings] will be.) I've let go of other accounts that no longer hold my interest, or I seem to take some time to get to. I'm streamlining my budget.

Almost anything I haven’t used or even seen in over six months is currently sitting in a box while I investigate how well similar items are selling on eBay. As of now, nothing similar has sold. I might just find a charity shop and make a nice donation for the tax advantages next year. I'm downsizing my material goods. 

So, letting go doesn’t always refer to emotions though some of the items I’m letting go have had some emotional connection, but even that has worn off. So, it’s time.

Now, it’s on to April and the second quarter of the year which is going to be interesting, as two of the cards have to do with the material and physical side of life with the third dealing with matters of the heart; while, simultaneously, two of them could address the completion or near-completion of a cycle and the third could be an aspect of someone around me or of me personally.

I can't wait to see how it goes...

Ten of Pentacles, King of Pentacles and Nine of Cups
Deck: The New Palladini

January's Judgments

Facing judgments
and a release

I tried something earlier this year. On January 1, I sat down with one of my tarot decks and did a reading for my upcoming year.

So, I'm checking in to see how I'm doing, both personally and with accuracy.

The card for January was Judgement.

This indicated I would be facing some judgements. This could mean that I was being judged, judging others or perhaps even judging myself.

The last part, judging myself, resonated very strongly with me, especially in context of the cards that followed; the Eight of Swords Reversed (letting go of restrictions) and the Hanged Man (surrendering to the what is), plus where I saw myself at that time.

Further experiences I’ve had over this last month seem to fit in the January Judgements predictions. Among them:

• Elements of a short story I began in 2017 seem to be happening now, which could simply be coincidental due to the real-life situation that inspired the story.
• I felt drawn to a new tarot deck which may be connecting me to a new Spirit Guide.
• The number synchronicities I’ve been seeing have shifted into yet a third pattern.

It is what it is

Individually, these would be just interesting events in my life. But, all of these happenings collectively became my own Ten of Wands, a huge bundle becoming almost too heavy to bear.

As I interpreted all of these as spiritual gifts, I began judging myself. Was I worthy of these gifts/abilities? Why me? And now that I was opening them, wtf was I supposed to do with them? I have come to believe they are all part of my higher consciousness, therefore they are part of me which means I can’t very well return or exchange them, in the same way I can’t return an arm or a leg. Can I?

A heavy burden

Let’s imagine that convo, shall we?

Me: Um, hello. I’d like to exchange these gifts.
God/Universe/HigherSelf: Really? Why? Don't you like them?
Me: It's not that; I’m just not comfortable with them.
G/U/HS: What? They don’t fit?
Me: Well, they don’t fit the image I have of me.
G/U/HS: They fit the image I have of you. And, besides, what would you exchange them for? Telekinesis? The ability to disapparate?
Me: I don’t know. What else do you have?
G/U/HS: You have them for a reason, they are embedded in you. And now that you’ve opened them, the decision on how to use them, or use them at all, is entirely up to you.
Me: I just don’t know what to do. I don’t feel worthy.
G/U/HS: The "knowing what to do" is all in your head. Stop overthinking. Just trust that you are worthy. Begin there. And you’ll know what to do. After all, how did you know you wanted to teach?
Me: It just felt right.
G/U/HS: Bingo. All it takes is Faith and Trust. And to believe in yourself.
Me: I’m working on it.
G/U/HS: I know you are. Growth is painful. So is change.
Me: Very.
G/U/HS: I have faith in you. You need it in yourself.
Me: Is that why You gave them to me?
G/U/HS: You catch on quick.
Me: I have just one more question.
G/U/HS: Just one?
Me: Haha. Can you at least give me time to adjust to what I’ve opened before throwing something new at me?
G/U/HS: You’re the one opening the gifts, not me.
Me: Oh.

So, maybe all of these interesting things happening around me are steps for me to accept myself exactly as I am and release any judgments.

Especially of myself.

Well, it seems the Judgment card for January wasn't far off. Let's see what the 8 of Swords Reversed brings in February.

Feeling less restricted

Should be interesting.

Someone New

Several years ago, I met the first two of my now several Spirit Guides. Bear and Ferret first appeared to me in a vision and over the years that followed I’ve met other Spirit Guides-Sparrow, Stag, Swan, Lion and Snake. Bat and Jaguar came along too. Later, Eagle flew into my spiritual zoo, as I refer to them collectively.

Admittedly, I haven’t been working with them as much as I should be, or would like to and lately something tells me someone else is pecking their way into my life. Or they have been there all along and I’ve just not been paying attention. Recently, I’ve noticed many coincidental references, signs, and appearances of this particular potential new Spirit Guide.

It all started when I was searching through the internet and somehow was drawn (led?) to a website for a new tarot deck, the Crow Tarot. This deck won’t be released until mid-winter 2019, but when I saw the deck, I felt compelled to pre-order it. And before I knew it, I had.

I must admit I’ve always been drawn more to ravens than crows. When I was younger and began studying Native Americans in third grade, I was captivated more by the cultures of the US Pacific Northwest, the Canadian Southwest and Southeast Alaska than by the other cultures we studied. I was especially fascinated by their legends featuring Raven as a trickster. Maybe Raven has been hovering around me since then waiting for me to awaken.

Crows and Ravens are distinct species and it’s often difficult to tell them apart at first glance. There’s something about the tail, wing feathers, beak, hackles, calls and size. Oh, and habitat also matters; even though their habitats can overlap, ravens are less likely to be found in populated urban areas, whereas crows can be.

Both species are considered among the most intelligent of the bird family. Both species have been observed using tools to acquire food and they have also been seen taking food from campers' unattended, but closed, backpacks.

Spiritually, they are also very similar. Across cultures, traditionally they have been associated with death, magic, mystery, and transformation. At one point, Crow and Raven were believed to escort souls to the other side and therefore were seen as messengers of death. Today, they are seen as an indicator that one’s life is going through a transformation, a metaphorical death, so to speak. Because of their association with magic and mystery, they also can represent intuition and foresight. Both are keen observers and learn by watching, and therefore remind us to watch, be patient, to learn from our surroundings and adapt. 

One of the key differences between them is that crows are more social than ravens, so a crow Spirit Guide would suggest finding one’s own flock, where a raven Spirit Guide could suggest a more solitary life path.

As I began to sense Raven around me more, I looked back for any connection I might have missed. 

I recognized my long fascination with Raven in mythology, particularly Pacific Northwest coast mythology. Recently, I discovered Odin had two ravens, Hugin and Munin, as his companions and they served as his eyes and ears over other Norse gods and humans. Apollo had a white raven as a companion and when the bird brought news of Apollo’s love interest being unfaithful, he burned the bird’s feathers black in rage. Fickle is the temper of a spurned god. 

In my studies of the tarot, I was drawn to the works of another reader, Raven Mardirosian, who wrote a wonderful book which resonated deeply with me. The Reluctant Tarot Reader, Adventures in the Gypsy Trade tells of her life venturing into the tarot and healing business. I’ve read a couple of her other books, and I now follow her pages on Facebook and Instagram and we comment back and forth once in a while. 

For more information on Raven Mardirosian and her work, please click here.

In the Harry Potter stories, I felt I would have been sorted into Ravenclaw house, whose symbol, ironically isn’t a raven but an eagle. Go figure. But, Eagle is also a very powerful totem or spirit guide, so I won’t complain. I just wish those who market the merchandise would get it right. Fickle is the temperament of a hardcore fan.

Often, I will acquire some charm, token or talisman to help connect with a Spirit Guide. Even though it’s not a requirement, it is often helpful. I started looking for something with a raven on it. I found so many options but nothing reached out and grabbed me, except the soon-to-be-released tarot deck. Very early one morning, when the thoughts of whatever was floating around in my subconscious woke me up, I went to do some writing on my computer. (They say if you can’t sleep, then leave the room for a while, occupy yourself, then go back and try to sleep again. It usually works for me.) All of a sudden I recalled a charm of a raven I had purchased years ago. I returned to my room and found it in one of the drawers where I keep my charms and rings. I guess I’ve been connected to Raven for a while, but just unaware. Maybe it was that tarot deck that spurred me on.

Ravens are not known to live in the LA area, too urban for them, I guess. But, there are crows in my neighborhood. I’ve been wanting one to come and visit my yard. I have seen and heard them on my roof, sometimes banging on the crown of my chimney. Occasionally, I’ll see them on the roof of the neighbor’s house behind me. Finally the other day, as I was working in my office, I saw some branches in my ficus tree rustling like something was in there. I’ve seen sparrows, finches, doves and the occasional jay roosting in there but this was something different. After all, sparrows, finches, doves and the occasional jay can’t make the tree move that much! After a bit, I did see some black wings fluttering about in the tree. A crow had landed there! Unfortunately, it did not stay long. Damn. Birds can be so flighty.

I don’t know where this connection with Raven will take me, but knowing Raven’s reputation for being a trickster, it will definitely prove interesting!

As will learning the new tarot deck!

For information on the Crow Tarot, click here 

The Temperant Hermit Priestess

As I’ve been exploring the Tarot, I’ve been discovering that certain cards appeal to me more than others.

Maybe appeal isn’t the right word, but speak to or resonate with me.

One of the first cards that resonated with me was the High Priestess. 

She guards a temple allowing in only the initiated. To enter, one must honor the duality of the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine, the darkness and the light, as suggested by the two contrasting pillars. She teaches us the mysteries of the Divine Feminine energy carried within us regardless of gender identification or sexual orientation. She directs us to go within to find our own truth and to connect to our subconscious mind which is symbolized by what lies beyond the veil behind her. 

When I first studied the keywords associated with her, they really hit home because I could see myself in the card as she embodies my journey to my higher consciousness. She still resonates strongly with me; I smile when she appears in a reading, whether for me or someone else. Often when I feel the need, or the inspiration, to buy another deck, I’ll check out the artwork on her card to see if that artist's rendition appeals to me and make my decision to buy the deck based on her. 

As well as on my intuition. And budget.

The High Priestess is about seeking that inner voice, and listening to our intuition to help us understand both ourselves better as well as the mysteries of life.

Another of my favorite cards is the Hermit.

He stands alone on a snow covered mountain top. He has chosen the path of self-discovery and has now reached his summit. His lantern holds a six-pointed star representing both the Seal of Solomon, a sign of wisdom, and the Merkaba, a spiritual symbol. His lantern lights only the next few feet in front of him as he cannot see the whole journey ahead, just the next few steps into the unknown. He takes those steps believing all will be revealed in Divine Time. The staff in his left hand, the side of the subconscious, helps him maintain balance as he walks his path.

He represents soul-searching, introspection, solitude and inner guidance. I like to view him as a student who has learned from the High Priestess and is near the peak of his journey. Therefore, I also see myself in him as I do spend a lot of time in introspective solitude. And like with the High Priestess, I smile when he appears. 

Another card that has recently begun reaching out to me is Temperance. 

On this card we see a winged angel of ambiguous gender. Being an angel, this figure represents our connection to the divine, to our higher power. The angel is standing between earth and water suggesting the importance of being grounded while going with the flow of life represented by the path in the background. The crown in the background suggests taking the higher path to remain true to one’s journey and calling especially when the going gets rough. The figure pours water back and forth between two goblets reminding us again of the ebb and flow which is the magic of life.

This is card about balance and moderation, as well as patience and purpose.

I view both the High Priestess and the Hermit as relating directly to my own path into my Self, into my higher consciousness, while Temperance is a lesson I need to meditate on, and even more so lately. I need to keep myself in balance and remain patient not only with myself but with others as well. And this will continue to lead me to my purpose in life. 

And not just for the purpose of this blog.

I am exploring a somewhat unconventional relationship. I think I've said that once before. We had a past and when we came to a parting of the ways, it was the most excruciating pain, emotional or physical, I’d ever experienced.

I had always maintained there was a spiritual purpose to this relationship and even when we separated, I knew deep down we were not finished. We still had more to discover; about each other, and more importantly, about ourselves via this relationship.

So, we would have our time. But when, I did not know.

We have now reconnected and things are moving smoothly, but slowly. And here’s where Temperance comes in. I’d like to move a little faster. But, I need to take his pace and concerns into account as well. Finding that balance where we are moving forward but not scaring each other off is difficult. I need to keep myself grounded while going with the flow.

Things between us have changed since the first phase of the relationship. In the two and a half years of separation we both have grown, we both have matured. Yet, I still get triggered by things that happen now as I compare them to how they happened in the past, even if they are different in the present. So, I still need to focus on the now, not the then. Temperance would remind me of my purpose: focus on the now and remain grounded. 

Friends have also expressed their concerns over this reconnection. Some have been happy for me, others suggesting caution. Some have even offered their own unsolicited opinions and advice. And here’s where I have to invoke Temperance. I’ve explained to my friends that I don’t appreciate opinions or advice unless I specifically ask. I do understand where they are coming from. But, unless they have walked each and every exact step in the exact same shoes I have, their comments are meaningless to me as they relate to the reality of their own situations with their own relationships and not to their perception of mine. We all bring our own experiences to the table and no two tables are set the same. And unless I’m misunderstanding, their situations involve two completely different people with very different backgrounds than my current situation. So, I find no basis for any comment. True, one can argue “human nature” is somewhat comparative, but once a spiritual hold takes over, that argument becomes null and void. At least in my opinion. 

So, I will invoke, or meditate on Temperance to help me remember to maintain balance, to at least acknowledge these friends who inadvertently slip and offer something unsolicited but still coming from the goodness of their hearts. Then I can go back to the Hermit and High Priestess to help me find my intuition, my inner voice and head back beyond the veil to my snow-capped mountain retreat.

The High Priestess from
The New Palladini Tarot
by David Palladini

The High Priestess
from The Aquarian Tarot
by David Palladini

Here are three of my favorite depictions of 

the High Priestess.

I tend to favor the bottom one, in all honesty.

The High Priestess
from the Harry Potter deck
by Eleonore Pieper