Lessons from a Tree

The Lake at Franklin Canyon Park

I went for a walk the other day, as I try to get some exercise, vitamin D and to connect with nature as frequently as I can. I also try a walking meditation as I go along my way. Try being the operative word as those pesky thoughts and what-ifs do try and grab my attention. I acknowledge them, tell them to stfu and sit themselves back down. It doesn’t always work but at least I try.

This particular morning I decided to go to my favorite spot, Franklin Canyon Park. I knew the traffic would be less as it was Thanksgiving Day. 

Arriving at the park, I decided to remain on the paved roads as it had recently rained (finally!) and I wanted to avoid slipping in mud because I was hiking alone and should I fall and get hurt, I’d have no one to help me. After a while, I noticed the ground didn’t seem too muddy so I decided to just meander through the park while keeping my mind focused on what I was seeing and where I was going. I ended up taking a trail I had never explored before. 

The Unexplored Path

As I rounded a bend in the trail, I noticed a unique tree. A California live oak, I believe. California live oaks are quite common in the area, but what made this one unique was its development. As I passed it, I felt the urge to sit with the tree. Actually, I will admit I felt the tree reach out, “Come sit with me.” I made a promise, “I will be back” and continued exploring the path to its end.

I returned to the tree and took a few breaths to ground and center myself before climbing up on the trunk. Closing my eyes, I felt the energy of the tree and the sounds of the park surround me. And yet, I could feel the tree teaching me something. When I opened my eyes a few moments later, I understood what the tree wanted me to know.

When that little acorn fell from its parent tree, it landed just where it did. It took root and began to sprout; it found the nutrients it needed and grew into a sapling. Along the way, that little sapling faced many challenges, yet did what it needed to meet them without giving up its essence. In order to reach the light it so desperately needed, it had to grow parallel to the ground in places. Then it twisted itself around to grow some more when its neighbors began blocking out its light doing exactly what it needed to in order to continue its growth.

And the tree just did it. Without fear, without thinking of any repercussions, consequences or other potential outcomes. It needed to survive.

We can be like this tree. We will encounter many challenges along our journey and we can overcome them. We can bend ourselves, metaphorically, to circumvent some challenges. We can change direction, if need be.

Yet we are different from the tree.

We do what the tree doesn’t.

We think. 

I don’t mean to denigrate thinking. It benefits us while at the same time can be a source of discomfort. We can think to solve problems like what route is best, or which camera better suits my needs? Maybe those are simple choices with pros and cons to weigh but still some thinking is involved in reaching an outcome. But, thinking also gets us into trouble when we think of the what-ifs as we contemplate life's little conundrums. We anticipate negative outcomes which may or may not happen. (Hint, they usually don’t.)

• What if they don’t like me? (What if they do?)
• What if I fail? (What if you succeed?)
• What if it doesn't work out? (What if it does?)

Okay, so in reality we overthink.

When we meet a challenge, I feel we should stop, look at it, decide on a course of action, attempt it and then evaluate the result. Did it work? It did? Great. Move on.

It didn’t? What different approach can I try? Because if I try the same thing again, I can’t expect some magically different outcome. And isn't that the definition of insanity: trying the exact same approach over and over, yet expecting the results to somehow turn out differently on their own? 

Or should I try something else and change something within  me that concerns the situation while remaining true to myself? Perhaps a simple attitude adjustment?

Or is the whole thing even worth my energy?

Depending on how major of a situation it is, I prefer the last one. If the situation isn’t worth my energy, I say fuck it and move on.

So, where the tree simply adapts itself to the challenge, we actually have the ability to remove the challenge from our path.

But, the biggest lesson I learned came from a part of the tree we don’t see; the roots. The roots keep the tree grounded, safe and secure. While the trunk twists, turns and does what it needs to, the tree itself remains grounded and secure in its tree-ness.

Whatever life throws at us we are capable of meeting it as long as we remain grounded which, admittedly, is not easy.

And if we can do that we can reach our canopy out into the universe to its fullest extent.

Just like the tree.

All photos courtesy of Jeffrey Ballam

Synchronicities 10

I haven't written about synchronicities in a while, so I thought I would especially after a couple of really interesting ones happened one right after another. Well, isn't that part of synchronicity? The timing?

I’ve been on uneasy terms with the Universe lately. Or on uneasy terms with myself. Or with my path/journey/purpose. And I don’t know why.

Perhaps it’s because I’m getting used to a new side of me and wondering if the Universe is actually guiding me in that direction as it’s a bit different. And a bit scary. And a bit woo woo!

I’ve been exploring it, but still a bit tentatively. And the Universe has been patient with me, for which I'm grateful.

But, I think the Universe is beginning to lose patience.

A few things have happened recently that amount to a clarion call of “wake the fuck up, stupid!”

I was recently shopping on Amazon and a book title in the “Recommended for you” section of my homepage caught my eye: The Reluctant Tarot Reader: Adventures in the Gypsy Trade, by Raven Mardirosian. I was intrigued; there’s another reluctant tarot reader out there? So, I read the synopsis:

She's a gay girl in a Christian world, becoming the healer she was meant to be. 
But what do you do with a gift that you really don't want?
Raven Mardirosian dreamed of being a missionary. A vet. An English teacher. Becoming a professional Tarot reader never crossed her mind. So, how did she go from staunch, born-again Christian and promising academic . . . to life in the woo world?

And there was more, but other than the girl part and dreaming of being a vet, it all resonated very strongly with me. So, I downloaded it. And by the first 40 pages I was hooked. 

Where she had a tarot deck quietly pressed into her hand, I stumbled onto a couple of YouTube videos of some readings that resonated with me and I figured I had nothing to lose but the cost of a deck and a book or two and a little time to study.

Plus, Raven and I both come from an evangelical background and a good little Christian wouldn’t dare touch these wicked, wicked cards, let alone come out as LGBTQ. But, if I had already made peace with my Christianity and being gay, I could certainly get past the evangelical ghosts warning me of these little pieces of paper with pretty pictures.

As I read her book, Ms. Mardirosian revealed more of our commonalities. She would often refer to a second deck of cards similar to the Power Animals Oracle deck I use, so she was also aware of Shamanic messages as well. This was getting intriguing. She often referred to herself as a healer; one of the Power Animal cards I draw frequently is Snake. Isn’t a snake or two entwined on the medical staff? Snake is also one of my Spirit Guides. So, maybe I’m to be a healer, too?

The last few sections of the book kept repeating one particular theme: Tell your Story. Tell your Story. Tell your Story.

Maybe that’s how I am to help heal the world, by writing. Both here and my stories. 

Okay, Universe I get this message. But what else were you trying to tell me last week?

I had three separate conversations within three days, regarding my spiritual journey. More precisely, certain aspects of my journey.

The first one happened with a complete stranger. (Is there such a thing as an incomplete stranger?… sorry, random thought.) 

An insurance salesman came to review some supplemental policies I have. Upon entering my home, he immediately commented on the color. My living room is red and purple with espresso accents. He loved how calming it was. I commented on the fact red isn’t necessarily a calming color. He said, “No, but the tone you picked is very calming and it's just an accent wall.” Okay, I didn’t suspect anything when he first came in, but now he was commenting on the tone of the accent wall color? Hmmm, I began to suspect something…might he be one of the family? He then commented, “Oh I love your Buddha statue!” 

"Thanks, I sit there and meditate every morning.”

“I didn’t get to meditate this morning and I feel off.”

Say what? Here's an attractive man in my living room talking about meditating? And the tone of my accent wall color?

He went on, “I like to meditate on how I can be a better me in this relationship, focusing on improving myself.” Okay, not ‘wife’, not ‘girlfriend’ but ‘relationship’? I’m picking up on things here. This might be interesting. Did I mention he was handsome? And closer to my age. We were discussing the minor changes in my policies when we were distracted by the flock of birds feeding outside on my patio table. I showed him a video of the crazy jay bird that likes to knock on my sliding door. 

“Do you ever look up what that might mean?” He asked.

“You mean as a spiritual message?”

“Yes, exactly.” My jaw metaphorically hit the floor. He then shared an encounter he had with a roadrunner in the hills above his home. The roadrunner just stood by and watched him walk by with his dog. Didn’t move, run or hide. The bird just stood there, obviously not frightened. He then showed me a picture of his dog, in the car with his wife. Okay, now I know.

From there we moved onto our individual spiritual journeys. He’s barely starting out, taking baby steps, I seem to be a tad further along. I shared a story where I had 'sensed' something about another friend, which her husband had dreamt about two nights before affirming what I had sensed.

“Oh, you’re an intuitive, then? Like my wife.”

So, I’m sitting in my dining room having a spiritual discussion with an insurance salesman just feeling overwhelmed with it all. Why was it happening? What was the Universe up to? Enquiring minds want to know. Or, at least mine does.

Two days later, I make the 35 mile drive to my optometrist for my annual checkup. I’ve been going to this practice for so long, it seems more like a family reunion than a medical visit. Plus, the doctor is a bit of eye candy. Alas, he is married with two daughters. Over the years he would ask a bit of advice on navigating the school district which I was only too happy to provide. 

So, he asked me how life and retirement were treating me. I answered I’m searching for a direction. He inquired about my writing. I responded that I think I’m hitting some deep cathartic levels I’m not sure I’m ready to face. “You’ll know when you are,” he replied. “Take that leap of faith!"

“I’m also discovering newer sides to me,” I told him. And I shared the same story of my friend, what I sensed and her husband’s dream and that I was getting used to this new aspect of who I am and concerned how others might react. 

“Why do you care?” he asked.

Touché.

And somewhere in all this conversation he dropped the word ‘healer’ which brought me back to my Snake spirit guide.

Once the exam was over, I went to see the contact lens technician who is actually responsible for my coming to this practice. Decades ago, she and I had worked together in a now-defunct department store. I had casually asked her if she knew of an optometrist as I needed to renew my drivers’ license and check my vision. She referred me to her father's practice and he has since retired. So, she and I spend some time catching up every visit. And catch up we do; all of our divorces-hers, mine, her parents’; the births and subsequent growth of her nephew and niece; visits with her mother-who had been the contact lens technician in the beginning; her father’s subsequent remarriage; my career and retirement, my writings. See, it is like a family reunion.

I’m not exactly sure how it happened but the theme of the day continued. We seemed to suddenly be sharing about the numbers we see, their meanings and she launched into her own stories of intuition/premonition/whatever-you-want-to-call-it.

I’m still digesting it all somewhat. Within the space of about four days, I kept getting messages to "tell my story”, “have faith”, “be a healer”, plus meeting people who aren’t turned off by intuitives.

The timing of it all is still overwhelming.

Perhaps the strangest or strongest message came today.

I recently found an old gift card to Barnes and Noble. I found some books online about opening up to gifts of Spirit. The subtotal before tax and shipping was $22.22! 

According to multiple sources, 2222 is a reminder to maintain a positive attitude and a firm belief in oneself. In other words, have faith that all will work out for the best. Touché.

I guess I now know what the Universe was telling me.

And for the record, my living room is actually cranberry and mauve. With espresso accents.

My Magnificent Seven

I have said seven is a powerful cosmic number. For me anyway. We hear of the seven deadly sins, the seven wonders of the Ancient World. I could go on but this post would be seven pages long.

I have always loved animals. As a young boy I would read about them, study them, want all kinds of them as pets, from orcas to tigers. We usually ended up with dogs, cats, plus the occasional aquarium or parakeet. Nothing exotic.

In third grade in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, I first studied the Native American cultures, focusing on the Great Plains, the Southwest, and the Pacific Northwest. I was intrigued by their life, their culture, and their Spirituality.

About twenty years ago, I had a vision where a bear and a ferret appeared to me. Upon further investigation/meditation I felt this was a pull towards Shamanism, the indigenous art of tuning in to Nature to heal oneself and others. As I began my investigation into Shamanism, I believed it was the right path for me, as I felt I had outgrown religion, it was no longer serving me any purpose. I consulted a Native American elder who gave me instructions on how to begin to open up to the Ancent Ways. He confirmed that Bear and Ferret were indeed here to help guide me on my path. Each had a lesson for me: Bear teaches me to find the answers to my questions within myself. I have the answers, I must hibernate, go within myself to find them; Ferret teaches me to be observant to the world and situations around me. Ferrets are cunning and have acute senses reminding me to be open to all of mine, including intuition to better understand myself and the world around me.

Life, marriage and divorce got in the way and I didn't keep to my studies. 

Lately, I have become more and more convinced that Shamanism is exactly the path for me.

According to some Native American traditions, you may have seven Spirit Guides, or totems, walking with you: one for each of the four directions -North, East, South, West; and one each for Above, Below, and Within. 

Some traditions say you may have nine, the seven I mentioned above and one on the left side, the other on the right.

In a counseling session using guided meditation, I noticed a male sparrow flitting back and forth between Bear, walking on my left, and Ferret, scampering around on my right. Sparrow became my third totem (Within) and teaches me to sing my song, to be myself, to honor my self-worth and that I am a survivor.  

In a workshop I took on Shamanic journeys, I shared my vision with the leader who said he saw a swan around me. I was open to the idea and later had an experience where I connected with Swan. Swan teaches me to honor the grace and inner beauty of all around me including my own, and to honor and accept the healing, evolution and transformation going on in my life. Swan also is a totem to honor one's own self-esteem. (Does the story of the Ugly Ducking sound familiar?) And on an interesting side note, Swans mate for life.

Following the workshop, I enrolled in a class on the foundations of Shamanism the leader was teaching and one session would be where we would get a Spirit Guide. Since I now had four, I wasn't sure what to expect: would I continue to bond with the four I had, or strengthen my bond with Swan, my newest? Or, knowing I could possibly have seven, would I meet another? 

I was not expecting what happened.

After a brief discussion on Spirit Guides, the teacher began the ceremony for the calling of the Guides. First, he secured the room, cleansing it of negative energy, while getting us into a relaxed meditative state. I went to the meadow where I first met Bear and Ferret in my original vision. They were there off in the distance, Sparrow flitting between them. A stag was walking around the meadow. I had met a stag in another guided meditation, but as he didn't appear with Bear and Ferret, I took it as a one time lesson, rather than another Guide: be gentle with myself, because I am learning as I walk along my path, I am bound to make a mistake or two. No big deal. Stop punishing myself. And being that it is a stag, I am to honor my masculine energies; as Deer, in general, teaches us to be gentle and compassionate toward others, it does not lessen me as a man to be gentle and compassionate. 

In the second part of the ceremony, the calling of the protection and Guardians, I suddenly felt warm and protected and had the sensation of being wrapped in wings made of white feathers. I looked up and saw Swan taking her place Above.  A small sensation in my back told me Stag had taken up his position Behind me. 

The teacher started the actual calling of the Guides, so more could still happen.

As I focused on a closed door in my mind, I felt peaceful. It opened and a male lion walked through. He walked toward me and began nuzzling me as a cat would. He turned around and took up a position in Front of me. As the teacher began to close the ceremony, my feet began to tingle and I looked down to see an anaconda Below me.

 Lion teaches me to trust my feminine energies of creativity, intuition and imagination. As lions spend time relaxing, and work when they need to, I need to take more time to relax and work when necessary. In ancient Egypt, a lion cub represented the rising sun, the dawn of a new day or era: the rising of a new me, my true self is rising to the surface. Lions can also represent courage, perhaps I need courage to be myself? My true self? And as lions are the only cat that has lives in social groups, perhaps that is part of Lion's message; I need to socialize more.

Snakes shed their skin to slough off the old to start anew. I am shedding old habits and behavior patterns to start my new life. Snakes are often misunderstood today. In ancient cultures, they were often revered. Isn't a snake or two on the Caduceus, the ancient symbol for medicine and healing? As an anaconda is a type of constrictor, I am being constricted by something and need to uncover what it is. Perhaps I am constricting myself by not being as open and honest with my emotions, and what I truly want in life. Or, my internalized homophobia is constricting me from truly accepting, enjoying and appreciating my authentic gay self.

Every one of these messages has so deeply resonated with me, I am more convinced I need to further my practice and studies.

And to honor and strengthen my bond with my Guides.

My very own Magnificent Seven.