The legendary sword, Excalibur, revealed the one true king destined to rule Camelot.
There is a scene in Disney’s animated movie Mulan where she glimpses her reflection in her father’s sword. Earlier in the movie, she begins to question who she truly is and whether she can live up to what is expected of her.
My card for December was the Ace of Swords Reversed. As I’ve said for the last couple of months, Swords is the suit of the mind and that covers whatever goes on upstairs; thoughts, reasoning, clarity, understanding, communication, yada yada yada.
Aces offer an opportunity to seize the energy of the suit and proceed forward. I think of it like this; if I’m at a party and a server walks by with a tray of appetizers or I see a tray of them on a table, it’s up to me to decide if I want to take it or not. The Ace of Swords represents an opportunity for me to seek clarity and understanding or to expand my mind. As this is a reading for me, it could be an opportunity to understand myself a bit better. I mean the energy is there whether I seize it or not. It could even be thrust upon me.
Yet, this card is reversed. I read single cards as energy directed more inward, towards the seeker, in this case-me. So, yes, this month brought me some clarity about myself. As Swords can be, and often are, a bit pointy, some of the truths were a bit difficult to face. Others offered clarity.
Ace of Swords, Bianco Nero Tarot
Marco Proietto (c) 2018, US Games
Through this pandemic, I connected a bit more with my neighbors. I’ve always had a good relationship with the family across from me and a more congenial one with the family next to me to the north side. My neighbors on the south side would wave but we weren’t that communicative and no problems truly arose between us. However, I did have to have some work done on my ficus tree which hangs over the fence into their yard. I alerted them to the date the work would be done and asked if they could leave their gate unlocked so the crew could clean up after they were finished. The woman who answered the door was agreeable to the idea and appreciative of my letting her know. A few weeks later, she approached me and asked to exchange telephone numbers and suggested we could contact each other should there be a need. I’d already done this with the other two families.
Thanksgiving arrived and my neighbors to the north very kindly asked me if I’d like a plate of food. I thanked them and said I’d already eaten. They made the same offer over Christmas Eve and Day, making sure they asked early enough to bring it over. They felt badly I had no one to celebrate with.
My mother expressed concern over my being alone here in Los Angeles facing the worst yet of this pandemic. We are now in the stages where Europe and New York were at the beginning of the pandemic. Patients are being treated in gift shops, hallways, and other locations around the hospitals.
Both my neighbors and my mother made references to me being alone. I don’t feel alone, I feel self-reliant. Does that mean I won’t ask for help if needed? No, I’ll ask. It does mean I can depend on my neighbors. And they on me. I am very appreciative of their concern.
But, what about the public at large? Can I depend on them? Trust them?
When I was first single, I remember asking a gay friend of mine about dating and protocols regarding safe sex. After all, I’d been off the dating market for nearly 16 years while married. I asked, “What if the guy says he’s HIV negative?” My friend’s answer; “Use condoms anyway.” “So, I should assume he’s not telling me the truth?” He had no reply. That said a lot. That began a serious trust issue I have around dating.
That trust issue has been amplified with this pandemic. We are only as safe as our ‘bubble’ or ‘pod’, as I’ve heard it called. This is the circle of family and friends we associate with. We just don’t know where they’ve been, who else enters their bubble or who they may have come in contact with, therefore increasing the potential of exposing others. Can we take just their word?
A very diligent family here in Los Angeles did come down with the virus. They practiced all the protocols; masking when out, one person did the shopping, hardly left their house, took neighborhood walks, sanitized everything, and washed their hands frequently. Yet, they still contracted the virus. The contact tracing revealed that their teenage son went out for a walk alone, snuck over to his girlfriend’s less-diligent house and apparently brought it home to his own family.
Yes, I sound paranoid. I admit it. Perhaps this is one of the more painful truths the Ace of Swords revealed to me.
But, what actually is the difference between being diligent and paranoid?
I don’t want to get sick nor potentially infect anyone else. I have hypertension which is an underlying factor possibly making the disease and recovery worse for me. Plus, I don’t want to add to the stress and strain of our broken and beleaguered healthcare system. While putting others (especially, our medical personnel) first, I am also managing my health.
Another painful realization that came home is that I have become so accustomed to my solitude (even my pre-pandemic solitude) that the very idea of being around someone for more than a few hours begins to trigger my anxiety. This will complicate any potential relationship.
I have also discovered I am someone who has a hard time with people who don’t see or believe what I do. I covered this point in a previous post. I see things for the greater good of all and so should everyone else. After all, we are all on this planet together.
As Mulan saw herself in her father’s sword, the Ace of Swords Reversed allowed me a glimpse into myself. I am someone who:
Has a good heart;
Has trust issues around dating;
Has trust issues around people who don’t see things for the greater good of all;
Has difficulty expressing his opinions and accepting others’ differing ones;
Has difficulty letting his independence down enough to possibly let someone in.
In her song “Reflections”, Mulan wonders when her reflection-which she first sees in a trough of water and later in some shiny gravestones before seeing it in the sword-will reflect who she is deep inside.
As I’ve been exploring a more spiritual path and discovering some intuitive abilities/gifts, I am also wondering when will my reflection show me who I am deep inside so I can learn to trust and better accept that aspect of myself? And eventually, myself as a whole?
I may not fully identify with her song; I mean, I’m not trying to be the perfect bride nor daughter, but the essence of the song resonates very deeply with me.
What part in this world am I meant to play? I may not play the role my family expected; I’m sure they didn’t anticipate my coming out as gay, nor developing a stronger sense of intuition, let alone reading tarot cards. If I were truly to be myself, I may not break their hearts, but will they understand? And why am I coming into this aspect of my life at my age?
One last thing about the suit of Swords. As they represent mental activity, they can also suggest overthinking. Since the last three cards of this year’s reading were all Swords, I plead guilty.
Let’s hope my reading for 2021 is better and the year is better, too.
I’ve already pulled the cards for next year. It feels good...Stay tuned.
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