|Catalina Island, Pacific Side, June 2011|
I threw myself a pity party today. I deserved it and it was long overdue. I got some bad news on top of a distressing situation on top of a depressing weekend. See, I deserved it.
Even the largest rock gets ground to sand in time. I am a nice guy, constantly trying to do the right thing and wherever I turn for assistance, I get turned down. Again and again. In my heart of hearts I know the steps I am taking to take control of my life will pay off. But, when? Patience is indeed a virtue, and I may soon run out. I can only take so much.
I kept the house after the divorce, which means I have the mortgage and all the bills associated with homeownership. I am grateful I have a nice place to live. I also kept the three animals, now down to two, and all the costs associated with them, though the ex does help out some. And I am grateful for both their company and his assistance. I have tried unsuccessfully to modify my loan. Yet, it is current, so I don’t qualify for most programs. I can make my payments and all the necessary utilities and still provide food for myself and the children. Therefore I still don’t qualify.
I just don’t have anything left over for fun.
Today, I found out I won’t qualify for the newest homeowner assistance program because I have entered a credit management program. Like many of us, I had credit cards and used them. Maybe a bit too much. When my husband left, and realized I could no longer pay them on time, I took a step to correct that situation. Today I was penalized for that. That was the sole reason I was told I would not qualify for the modification. Penalized for taking corrective action? I felt helpless.
This followed a distressing situation with my dog. He is not himself and I cannot figure out why. He’s eating fine, drinking fine, walking fine, and what goes in fine is coming out fine. Yet, he is very skittish and when I have tried to sit with him and console him or assess him, he avoids me. We have a ritual. Every night before bed, we go upstairs and we unwind on my bed, he lies on it while I read, maybe write or watch a DVD (I discontinued the satellite dish almost immediately after You-Know-Who left.) And this last time when I went to pet him, he yelped in pain. I tried to examine him, but he wouldn’t let me. He hasn’t let me near him since and it's been two days. And that hurts. He still wants to be near me, he’s lying behind me now on his towel. I have emailed my vet, and we have come to a conclusion he has somehow mysteriously injured himself, possibly his back. He hasn't been on my bed with me since. I feel helpless.
Kicking this weekend off, I had come to a painful realization I have given so much power to my fears. I was trapping myself in them. (This in itself is another post.) And I felt helpless.
After I got the phone call regarding the loan, I was ready to give up. I was trying everything I could to play by the rules, I didn't want to mess up my credit. I wanted to emerge from this with my dignity, to truly feel I had survived, but this afternoon, I was ready to quit, to give up. Nothing drastic mind you, but I'm tired of being the good guy getting the shaft. I FELT HELPLESS.
It all built up, and I broke down.
But, am I helpless over all this?
I am not completely helpless over my finances, in that I can control what I spend. I am not in control over rising prices. But, I can only cut so much. So, I will continue my non-dating streak, which is good because the fears I mentioned above also come into play here. And perhaps the Universe has something in mind for me later.
While I am indeed helpless over my dog’s pain, I am doing what I feel is best. I will let him come to me when he is ready. In the meantime it will still hurt, but I still see the love in his eyes. He wants to be near me, he’s just leery of my accidentally hurting him. I hope he knows I would never do anything intentionally. He’s my little boy. But, it still hurts he won't sit with me, nor let me touch him.
But I am not helpless over my fears.
I will conquer them in time.
At the right time.
Until then, I will just have to take everything with a grain of sand.