Patterns, Doors and Windows

I love this building!! It's a shame it's not in use anymore, except for film shoots. This is the old ticket lobby in Union Station, Los Angeles.

I was challenged last week in my meditation session, not by the leader, but by another participant. He believes, as do many counselors, that we humans select a mate that reminds us of one of our parents. I could understand that in heterosexual relationships, but in homo- ones? I was skeptical. I looked at my ex and didn't see him in any of the parent figures I have; mother, father, or step-father. But, I saw something else. I saw my mother, but in me.

My parents divorced when I was young, about 5, and she remarried just after my 7th birthday. In that short time, I don't recall her having dated any other men, but then I was very young, and while many things may escape the young, we do pick up more than adults might want us to. And I just can't recall any other men in her life. My first partner died, and I settled with the first man I dated afterward, just like my mother did after her divorce. Now that I have seen the pattern, maybe I can break it. But, old habits....And dating now is different, since it seems so electronic, with all the apps, lists and chat rooms available. I'm still an old fashioned guy. What happened to chance encounters (and not in bathhouses, or bars) or meeting through an organization? I guess they're still there, I'll just have to look when I'm ready.

This has been an interesting month, and I do go back because it started about a month ago. In the past month, I have reconnected with three friends from the past. I find it interesting that all three happened at about the same time. It seems the Universe does indeed take care of us. It will be nice to catch up with these friends.

Now that I have opened the windows and seen the patterns, I wonder where all the doors will lead me?

Church

I'm not sure where this post is taking me. I haven't thought it through yet, and maybe that's a good thing.

This Memorial Day could have been an emotional day for me, as it would have marked the 16th anniversary of the first date with my ex. Yet, he chose not to stay for it. He actually chose not to stay for the second anniversary of our legal marriage by asking for the divorce two months before. It is now almost nine months since he left, and it has not been easy. I have made progress in growing, (I almost said 'coping,' but I feel I am more than just 'coping.') And yet, there is still more to go.

I went to church today. I don't have to go to church on any particular day of the week, or to any particular building. The Earth is my church. I go to her when I want, or need, and I have been needing to go to her for a while. So, today, I went. Right now, my church is on top of a hill in Franklin Canyon Park, within the city limits of Beverly Hills, but on the San Fernando Valley side of the mountains. There I sit, and meditate on life, me, or whatever comes up. And something had come up, the day before.

I have also been going to a guided meditation for about five weeks now. I was challenged yesterday. Things came up during the meditation and in the group discussion after. As I had said, this weekend would have been our 16th anniversary and I was determined to not let it get to me; acknowledge it, yes; give in to sadness, anger, no. I was doing well until I got a text from him. Why would he text me on today of all days? Did he not know what day it was? Well, maybe not. His memory is like a sieve. His admission, not mine. And then, maybe he did.

I got angry at the text without even reading it. I let him win. All he wanted to know was if the 'children' were ok. Wouldn't I tell him if they weren't? And he wanted to know if he could take them on his regular weekend next month. I replied, "Fine. Yes." That's all.

So, I went to church. I came here to sit and meditate on what was said, and on what came up for me in the meditation. I'm on the right path to healing, I just need to dig a little, ok, a lot, deeper.

And now, I'm off to make Beer Can chicken for one!

Happy Memorial Day!

Old and New

I love this photo for a number of reasons. First, the clouds; it was very overcast that day. Second, the contrast of the old and new, the old of the Russian Orthodox Cathedral and the newer architecture of the surrounding buildings with a touch of of some 1890's architecture thrown in. Third, it was taken in a place I had wanted to visit for a number of years, Sitka, Alaska!

I chose this photo for my latest entry because it signifies to me where I am in my journey. I am referring to my 'post-divorce recovery' as my 'journey' because I am on one. Not only am I recovering from the emotional trauma of the divorce, but in the recovery I have discovered some things about myself I hadn't expected to discover. I am at a juncture of the old and new in my emotional health. In these past 8 months of recovery, (8 months since he left! Time does fly when....) I have done a lot of looking back. Not taking blame, but wanting to avoid mistakes and making better decisions in the future and in my future relationship. Yes, I know there will be one, but when and with whom, I do not know. Only the Universe does. But, damn it, I want to be ready! And he doesn't deserve the emotional mess I am right now.

I see a lot of me in this photograph. The cathedral, in the center, is my spirituality. It doesn't overpower the rest of me, it just is there as part of the scenery. The older architecture, represented by the two buildings in the lower right, are the old me, while the modern buildings, most noticeably the apartment building next to the cathedral, are the new me, which is still under development. The trees behind the city are Nature which forms an essential part of my spirituality.

I have begun attending a guided meditation group which, I'm hoping, will help me to uncover some of my issues and fears, and to unpack my emotional baggage before I continue too much farther on my journey. In one of the meditations, I came to a bridge. Across the bridge was my future and what I most wanted. Across the bridge was a silhouetted figure of a man. I could not make out his face, but he was there waiting for me.

Journeys are always frightening and, as the saying goes, always start with a single step. I've taken that step with the meditation and I have seen in my 'heart of hearts' that all will be well. Now, I just have to remind myself of that, and work through the old, while taking care of the now to prepare for the new. I am frightened, I don't know what I will uncover, and it could hurt. Emotional garbage does hurt. But, if you don't take out the garbage, it eventually takes over and ruins everything, especially a good foundation. And I'm going to need one before I meet The Man on the Bridge.

Destination Unknown

I realize I am a week (or two) behind in posting, but sometimes life gets in the way.

I have chosen this photo for this posting because it leads the viewer off to who-knows-where? And that is exactly where I feel my life is going: who knows where?

Too many distractions have come flying at me all at the same time, I have not had the time to process them all. And yet, they all have one thing in common; money, or precisely, spending it and especially since I don't have it. I don't know (nor necessarily like) the path this has put me on, and I realize I have no choice but to accept it if I am to survive.

As I sit and meditate on myself, I do realize deep down, I will survive, (I love Gloria Gaynor) and the Universe keeps telling me I will. I guess I will if the Universe tells me. But, I want to learn my lesson and move on with my life. I guess patience is also part of this lesson, but I am not a patient person especially when it comes to myself.

I must go now and bathe one of my dogs. He doesn't like it. Too bad.

Church

I need to go to church.

My church.

Planet Earth is my church. Many years ago I had a vision, not in the 'religious' sense of a saintly figure appearing before me telling me to repent of my sinful ways, but of a spiritual sense leading me to a higher understanding of self.

I told my vision to a Native American man who was working as a psychic in a New Age bookstore and he told me what to do. He felt my vision was old medicine, the ways of his people. I was to go to a quiet place in nature, (I immediately knew the place I wanted) and just sit quietly and meditate and let the spirits come to me and talk to me. Now, before you think I am crazy, it all made perfect sense to me at the time. And it still does. I just need to make more time to go to church.

As a child, I had always felt a deep connection to nature; to the planet and her beauty. On my trip to Alaska, the beauty and sense of connection was overwhelming and I could sense the spirits all around me, particularly my two totems; Bear and Ferret.

They have made their presence known to me since my separation and subsequent divorce. They have lessons for me and I must listen.

I think I'll go to church tomorrow.

The picture is of Denali, (Mt. McKinley) in Denali National Park, taken from Talkeetna, Alaska, with the Talkeetna River in the foreground.

Out in the Classroom

I have selected this picture, and it's not a particularly good one, but it's where this week's entry took place; in my classroom.

I came out to two of my parents this week. One was a parent brand new to the school, and I've known the other since her son was identified gifted in third grade. In the first instance, the parent told me of problems her son had had at his prior school, he was bullied because of perceived traits. His classmates thought he acted gay; he was called a girl, a fag, etc. His mother was telling me this, in front of him, and even though he was uncomfortable, we carried on. I told her I found that behavior, the bullies', not her son's, to be reprehensible. And that we had discussed the behavior, and the tragic suicides that followed, in my class. I related about my own life, that I did overcome it, and later came out as gay. She did not flinch. She is a strong and compassionate mother, and said she wouldn't care if her son did come out, she would still love him. Lucky son, to have a supportive mother at his young age.

The second incident, ironically, the subsequent conference, had a similar but different scenario. The mother insisted on a moment alone with me, and dismissed her son. He reluctantly left, I suspect he knew what was coming. She then told me how some of my own students were targeting a student in another classroom and saying he's a 'gay boy.' This target was a friend of my student whose mother was telling me this. She concluded by saying she didn't care if her own son were gay, this intolerance has got to stop. I repeated the conversation from the first conference, telling her how I came out to my students the year before. She, too, didn't flinch at my revelation.

Well, the ground hasn't swallowed me, I am not fired, and as of Friday, children are still in my classroom. I doubt the parents in question would have run and told anyone else anyway, but parents do gossip. And they love to gossip about teachers.

I can only hope we don't see any more empty chairs due to bullying.

Order and Chaos

I am choosing this picture because it represents this last week for me. It was taken in downtown Los Angeles, just behind the Civic Center. But, the street is empty. In the midst of what is usually a very busy, hectic area; we find moments of semi-tranquility. In the midst of the order of a built up city, we find the chaos of the branches of the trees and the grasses planted around them. At school, grades were due while giving a mandatory assessment. During the chaos of this past week, I was still able to be introspective; one of the qualities of having Bear as a Totem. We tend to hibernate in ourselves, which can be both maddening and healing.

I have come to realize the past is the past. Well, duh. And my relationship, while the divorce is still not final, is in the past. There is no going back. And I am relieved. I am going forward, but for now, forward means inward. I have moved forward by accepting the fact that I can meet and talk to single gay men. And that is ok. I am not feeling guilty about it. I don't feel like I am cheating, which I am told is very common in the first stages of post-divorce recovery. But, am I ready for the next bridge? Sex? I don't know. Time will tell. And the right scenario will tell me when.

I have been chatting with men all over the country. Many of whom have been very supportive of me in my divorce. From supportive statements like "It must be tough for you. I can't imagine life without my wonderful husband;" "I've been there myself;" "You'll be fine, surround yourself with friends who love you" to ego-boosting comments as "With those eyes, you'll find a new love in no time," "You're a very handsome man," "I love the gray", "Your eyes are piercing and not in an unpleasant way," to downright sexual "Could you use an oral vers/hairy Latin bottom?", and my favorite "Oh, daddy, I'm so horny, I need someone to talk to!" (Ok, now I need to think of myself as a daddy. At least, he didn't say 'grandpa!') While all of these have been flattering (yes, even the last ones) it's been hard to internalize all at once, and a bit overwhelming. But, I am learning to accept it.

Ok, so the picture was taken on a Sunday afternoon which explains the tranquility.

And, from what I have heard through the grapevine, the ex has gone off the deep end. (hee hee)

I'm off to bathe two Pomeranians, who hate it.