Sunday, March 27, 2011
Order and Chaos
I am choosing this picture because it represents this last week for me. It was taken in downtown Los Angeles, just behind the Civic Center. But, the street is empty. In the midst of what is usually a very busy, hectic area; we find moments of semi-tranquility. In the midst of the order of a built up city, we find the chaos of the branches of the trees and the grasses planted around them. At school, grades were due while giving a mandatory assessment. During the chaos of this past week, I was still able to be introspective; one of the qualities of having Bear as a Totem. We tend to hibernate in ourselves, which can be both maddening and healing.
I have come to realize the past is the past. Well, duh. And my relationship, while the divorce is still not final, is in the past. There is no going back. And I am relieved. I am going forward, but for now, forward means inward. I have moved forward by accepting the fact that I can meet and talk to single gay men. And that is ok. I am not feeling guilty about it. I don't feel like I am cheating, which I am told is very common in the first stages of post-divorce recovery. But, am I ready for the next bridge? Sex? I don't know. Time will tell. And the right scenario will tell me when.
I have been chatting with men all over the country. Many of whom have been very supportive of me in my divorce. From supportive statements like "It must be tough for you. I can't imagine life without my wonderful husband;" "I've been there myself;" "You'll be fine, surround yourself with friends who love you" to ego-boosting comments as "With those eyes, you'll find a new love in no time," "You're a very handsome man," "I love the gray", "Your eyes are piercing and not in an unpleasant way," to downright sexual "Could you use an oral vers/hairy Latin bottom?", and my favorite "Oh, daddy, I'm so horny, I need someone to talk to!" (Ok, now I need to think of myself as a daddy. At least, he didn't say 'grandpa!') While all of these have been flattering (yes, even the last ones) it's been hard to internalize all at once, and a bit overwhelming. But, I am learning to accept it.
Ok, so the picture was taken on a Sunday afternoon which explains the tranquility.
And, from what I have heard through the grapevine, the ex has gone off the deep end. (hee hee)
I'm off to bathe two Pomeranians, who hate it.