I'm not sure where this post is taking me. I haven't thought it through yet, and maybe that's a good thing.
This Memorial Day could have been an emotional day for me, as it would have marked the 16th anniversary of the first date with my ex. Yet, he chose not to stay for it. He actually chose not to stay for the second anniversary of our legal marriage by asking for the divorce two months before. It is now almost nine months since he left, and it has not been easy. I have made progress in growing, (I almost said 'coping,' but I feel I am more than just 'coping.') And yet, there is still more to go.
I went to church today. I don't have to go to church on any particular day of the week, or to any particular building. The Earth is my church. I go to her when I want, or need, and I have been needing to go to her for a while. So, today, I went. Right now, my church is on top of a hill in Franklin Canyon Park, within the city limits of Beverly Hills, but on the San Fernando Valley side of the mountains. There I sit, and meditate on life, me, or whatever comes up. And something had come up, the day before.
I have also been going to a guided meditation for about five weeks now. I was challenged yesterday. Things came up during the meditation and in the group discussion after. As I had said, this weekend would have been our 16th anniversary and I was determined to not let it get to me; acknowledge it, yes; give in to sadness, anger, no. I was doing well until I got a text from him. Why would he text me on today of all days? Did he not know what day it was? Well, maybe not. His memory is like a sieve. His admission, not mine. And then, maybe he did.
I got angry at the text without even reading it. I let him win. All he wanted to know was if the 'children' were ok. Wouldn't I tell him if they weren't? And he wanted to know if he could take them on his regular weekend next month. I replied, "Fine. Yes." That's all.
So, I went to church. I came here to sit and meditate on what was said, and on what came up for me in the meditation. I'm on the right path to healing, I just need to dig a little, ok, a lot, deeper.
And now, I'm off to make Beer Can chicken for one!
Happy Memorial Day!
I'm glad you went to church today - it can only help in your growth (spiritual and emotional) Just think, you just got through another day (and a p.a. day - post anniversary day) And as you said, one day at a time (and that's all any of us can hope for, right?) And hopefully you will get stronger and wiser each and every day. And yes, patience is a virtue that we all must work at. (and it's a challenge in itself) You will get there - one day at a time - be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteThank you. And, yes, I'll get there.
ReplyDeleteI think I should show you MY church → http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EB-YXsmmsao/Tcg0MLyYe1I/AAAAAAAAAIs/Nb7QaPrTgOk/s1600/copacabana2.jpg
ReplyDeleteSadly I haven't been there in ages. I lived there for 19 years, and every day I had walks by myself on the beach's sidewalk. It was a great way for me to get in touch with nature (namely, the ocean) and to watch people as well, which is something I have always loved doing. Now I live about 1h30m from there (it takes me 2 buses to get there) and I hardly ever visit my church. I do miss it a lot, though.
Saying "goodbye" to what once was, especially when it comes to love and relationship, is rarely accomplished without a great deal of asking ourselves "why?" and "what really happened?" As you do so, and as you feel a range of emotions, (and yes, at times, gut wrenchingly painful ones), know that you are moving toward a depth of self-knowledge and strength that could never have been before. Because you, Jeff, love so deeply, because your heart remains so open, and quite frankly, because you're an amazing man, love will enter your life again and you'll be ready as never before. Thank you for sharing your humanness.
ReplyDelete@Magno, thank you for showing me your church. I also like churches near water from time to time. The problem is the other 'worshippers' can get in the way. lol
ReplyDelete@Evie, thank you for such kind words. I just hope that when the next one comes along, I am more ready and break the pattern in my choices.
LOL
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