His life seemed to be a jumble of contradictions. He was gay, but not interested in men. He wasn't going back to women, of that there was no question; but he just wasn't interested in men, at least not for now. Yet, he longed to be with one; touching him, exploring him, sensing him; yet, the idea of getting to know another man's body made him uneasy. In fact, it turned him off. But still, he read personal ads, tempted by the easy idea of finding someone to touch, to explore, just to be nude with and to see another naked man up close. After all it had been a long time. He remembered his earlier single days and his visits to the personal ads. All those meaningless encounters had left him cold and hollow inside, closing in on bitter.
He was a man who loved being in love. He loved the idea of having a boyfriend, a partner, a husband. Someone who he could take care of, and who could take care of him. But, could he let someone take care of him. Could he relax his guard enough around this someone new and allow himself to be taken care of? Could he allow someone new into his life? He had taken care of his last few boyfriends; after all, he was good at it, and they tried to take care of him when he was sick, but he found it easier to just take care of himself. He could do it better; after all, it was easier to get what you needed yourself than to try to explain what you wanted or needed. But what about when he wasn't sick? Could he let the new boyfriend take care of the utilities, the grocery shopping, his dogs? Still, the idea of getting to know a new man; his likes and dislikes, both his good and bad habits, was daunting.
Yes, he was good at taking care of his boyfriends; in fact he was so good at taking care of them, he didn't take care of himself. He lost himself in his boyfriends. And now that he was alone, he needed to find himself again.
And what of his lack of interest in sex? After all, wasn't that part of the downfall in his last relationship? He longed for, and at the same time feared, how close the orgasm brought him to his partner. Yet, he was a gay man and weren't they all supposed to be interested in nothing but sex? He hated stereotypes. But, the question would come up in any dating scene. Maybe it was because he hadn't found the right partner for him to truly enjoy sex. That gave him pause for thought. Hmm. That could be it.
But, how do you find the right partner?
Regardless, he wasn't ready, and he knew it.
Still, it didn't stop the longing to not be alone.....
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A New Beginning!
A new year means a new beginning. 2010 ended badly for me. My husband of 15 years (two of them with legal recognition in California and a few other states) decided he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce. He moved out in September and I have been adjusting to living alone, and taking care of the furry children we acquired during our life together. (He does contribute financially and takes them from time to time to help me out, but they live with me most of the time.) But this post is not about him, or the kids. It's about me.
Yep, I'm going to be selfish. This is my year. I'm taking the year to put myself back together in every way possible; emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Emotionally will take time; after all, time heals all wounds and 15 years is a lot of time to get over. Yet, I am impatient. I don't like feeling how I do. I hurt, and much deeper than I thought I could. But, this is an opportunity to grow, if it is true all things happen for a reason. I need to look back at the relationship itself and my part in it, learn from it and take that forward to the next one. Yes, there will be one. I know it.
Physically will also take time. My doctors say I am in great health for a man my age, so that is less of a worry. Thanks to my ex- I lost 50 pounds and have kept it off which has helped the health issues. About 5 years ago, he joined Weight Watchers, and that motivated me to join, and was more successful than he was. Now, I just need to motivate myself to work out to tone myself. I have an elliptical at home and some other equipment as well, but I need to make the time. After all, a hot bod helps in the husband-hunt, especially when there is "snow on the roof."
Spiritually will also take time. It seems when I am between relationships I get more spiritual. In 1994, my first serious relationship ended with his death due to HIV related causes. While recovering from his death, I had a very spiritual experience which has led me down a different path, some would call it "new age," but I call it deeply moving and very personal. My ex- was supportive of my spirituality, yet over the course of our years together, it took a back seat and now that I am alone, it has come back full force. So, I am returning to explore and embrace it further. I have received some signs that this is where I need to spend the most time. (I may blog about this in another post.)
There are other areas outside of these three that I need to work on to put myself together. 2011 is the year I conquer the clutter! It has always been a problem of mine, too much paperwork (that is a downside of teaching!) and not taking the time to file it away properly. I have also had the bad habit of not putting things back in their proper place when I finish with them. Old habits die hard, but I'm going to give it my best. (Again, it will help with finding the new bf.)
This is also the year I get a good grip on my finances. With the divorce pending, (I faxed my papers to our attorney yesterday) this is an excellent time to take a financial check up and see where I can improve my situation. (Again, dating as a fifty-something is different than dating as a twenty-something.)
Downsizing is also on my list of improvements. Do I really need that book on Norse mythology? Actually, I might. I bought it for research for a story I am working on and have been for about a decade or so. But there are other things in this house that I can donate, sell or just plain toss. And now seems like the right time to do so.
And that last blurb brings one last area of work. My writing. I have so many stories wandering around in my head that some of them are bumping into each other and into the walls of my brain and it hurts. They are starting to meld into one another and leaving me confused as to who is who and what story does she belong to and who was his partner and whose magic amulet is this? I must get them written down, if only sorted into a journal until I can sit and write.
But all this takes time. And one complaint I have is I have so little of it. Teaching takes time, time to prepare the lessons, time to deliver the lessons, and time to see if they got it. But that too, is something I need to work on. After all, I have a 40 minute commute, maybe I can use that time to do something.
So, 2011 is a new beginning for me. And I'd like to leave you with this. It's "A New Beginning" from Stephen Gately, may he rest in peace.
Yep, I'm going to be selfish. This is my year. I'm taking the year to put myself back together in every way possible; emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Emotionally will take time; after all, time heals all wounds and 15 years is a lot of time to get over. Yet, I am impatient. I don't like feeling how I do. I hurt, and much deeper than I thought I could. But, this is an opportunity to grow, if it is true all things happen for a reason. I need to look back at the relationship itself and my part in it, learn from it and take that forward to the next one. Yes, there will be one. I know it.
Physically will also take time. My doctors say I am in great health for a man my age, so that is less of a worry. Thanks to my ex- I lost 50 pounds and have kept it off which has helped the health issues. About 5 years ago, he joined Weight Watchers, and that motivated me to join, and was more successful than he was. Now, I just need to motivate myself to work out to tone myself. I have an elliptical at home and some other equipment as well, but I need to make the time. After all, a hot bod helps in the husband-hunt, especially when there is "snow on the roof."
Spiritually will also take time. It seems when I am between relationships I get more spiritual. In 1994, my first serious relationship ended with his death due to HIV related causes. While recovering from his death, I had a very spiritual experience which has led me down a different path, some would call it "new age," but I call it deeply moving and very personal. My ex- was supportive of my spirituality, yet over the course of our years together, it took a back seat and now that I am alone, it has come back full force. So, I am returning to explore and embrace it further. I have received some signs that this is where I need to spend the most time. (I may blog about this in another post.)
There are other areas outside of these three that I need to work on to put myself together. 2011 is the year I conquer the clutter! It has always been a problem of mine, too much paperwork (that is a downside of teaching!) and not taking the time to file it away properly. I have also had the bad habit of not putting things back in their proper place when I finish with them. Old habits die hard, but I'm going to give it my best. (Again, it will help with finding the new bf.)
This is also the year I get a good grip on my finances. With the divorce pending, (I faxed my papers to our attorney yesterday) this is an excellent time to take a financial check up and see where I can improve my situation. (Again, dating as a fifty-something is different than dating as a twenty-something.)
Downsizing is also on my list of improvements. Do I really need that book on Norse mythology? Actually, I might. I bought it for research for a story I am working on and have been for about a decade or so. But there are other things in this house that I can donate, sell or just plain toss. And now seems like the right time to do so.
And that last blurb brings one last area of work. My writing. I have so many stories wandering around in my head that some of them are bumping into each other and into the walls of my brain and it hurts. They are starting to meld into one another and leaving me confused as to who is who and what story does she belong to and who was his partner and whose magic amulet is this? I must get them written down, if only sorted into a journal until I can sit and write.
But all this takes time. And one complaint I have is I have so little of it. Teaching takes time, time to prepare the lessons, time to deliver the lessons, and time to see if they got it. But that too, is something I need to work on. After all, I have a 40 minute commute, maybe I can use that time to do something.
So, 2011 is a new beginning for me. And I'd like to leave you with this. It's "A New Beginning" from Stephen Gately, may he rest in peace.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Wienies and willies
I love teaching English learners. It's beginning to be redundant, I know. But, now I am teaching pre-adolescents which adds an interesting take on the nuances of phonics, vocabulary and their accent.
I overheard this conversation while walking my 11 and 12 year olds to class after lunch on Friday.
"What about your willie?" asked boy number one, not bothering to whisper.
Laughter spilled out of boy number two.
"His what?!" I questioned walking back down the stairs to the boys, preparing myself for any sort of explanation or denial or....
"His willie," responded number one, innocently.
"His wienie?" contributed number three, overhearing the conversation and observing my reaction.
By this time, I was trying hard to stifle my laughter, and at the same time hoping I really did not hear what I thought I heard. I mean this was in line, and within earshot of me, their teacher, and it was Friday afternoon, and I had had an emotional week dealing with my soon-to-be-ex and my dog. I was not up for the discussion I was anticipating.
"His wheeeeelie," corrected student number one.
Whew!
I overheard this conversation while walking my 11 and 12 year olds to class after lunch on Friday.
"What about your willie?" asked boy number one, not bothering to whisper.
Laughter spilled out of boy number two.
"His what?!" I questioned walking back down the stairs to the boys, preparing myself for any sort of explanation or denial or....
"His willie," responded number one, innocently.
"His wienie?" contributed number three, overhearing the conversation and observing my reaction.
By this time, I was trying hard to stifle my laughter, and at the same time hoping I really did not hear what I thought I heard. I mean this was in line, and within earshot of me, their teacher, and it was Friday afternoon, and I had had an emotional week dealing with my soon-to-be-ex and my dog. I was not up for the discussion I was anticipating.
"His wheeeeelie," corrected student number one.
Whew!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Allies
I have found some interesting allies in my same-sex divorce.
Lat week, I stopped at the bank to open a single-signer account and talk about closing the joint ones. The woman who helped me was very supportive, and this week I went in to order checks. She asked me how things were going. I told her he was moving out this week, she was surprised at how soon it was all happening and after our talk, she told me she knew something better was on the horizon for me.
I called my insurance company to remove the ex- from the homeowners' and my car policies. After going through all the information and removing him, (it didn't lower my premium, damn!) she realized the policy didn't list us as "married." I explained that I never was fully aware of all the legalities that came with marriage, since it was still new to me, I never thought to call them and change our status. She understood my situation but was furious that people still want to deny others the same legal rights they enjoy.
A colleague I see infrequently asked me the other day how my summer went. I told her. She never met my ex-. But, she could not understand why anyone would leave me. I'm such a sweet person.
It's true. Divorce brings out the true colors in people. And you find allies in the most interesting places.
Lat week, I stopped at the bank to open a single-signer account and talk about closing the joint ones. The woman who helped me was very supportive, and this week I went in to order checks. She asked me how things were going. I told her he was moving out this week, she was surprised at how soon it was all happening and after our talk, she told me she knew something better was on the horizon for me.
I called my insurance company to remove the ex- from the homeowners' and my car policies. After going through all the information and removing him, (it didn't lower my premium, damn!) she realized the policy didn't list us as "married." I explained that I never was fully aware of all the legalities that came with marriage, since it was still new to me, I never thought to call them and change our status. She understood my situation but was furious that people still want to deny others the same legal rights they enjoy.
A colleague I see infrequently asked me the other day how my summer went. I told her. She never met my ex-. But, she could not understand why anyone would leave me. I'm such a sweet person.
It's true. Divorce brings out the true colors in people. And you find allies in the most interesting places.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Craziness
Divorce makes us do crazy things.
I have never liked tattoos. Don't get me wrong, the art can be beautiful, and obviously meaningful to the recipient. But I like seeing skin the color it was meant to be.
I am considering getting one to celebrate my impending divorce; a phoenix. Through all this pain, anger and hurt, there is hope. I see myself in the future; better, bolder and stronger than before. But the trouble is where do I want it?
I am getting older. My body is changing, going through the changes of an old man. Personal grooming may become a necessity depending on where I put it.
I want to see the tattoo, so anywhere out of my line of vision is out of the question, so no to the back, and butt. My inside forearm, yeah, that's possible. On one of my pecs is also a possibility, but left or right? And then there's size. Yes, it will matter, because of cost. I won't have a lot of discretionary income until my budget adjusts to the lack of income from my soon-to-be-ex-husband.
I guess I'm crazy. And have a lot to think about.
I have never liked tattoos. Don't get me wrong, the art can be beautiful, and obviously meaningful to the recipient. But I like seeing skin the color it was meant to be.
I am considering getting one to celebrate my impending divorce; a phoenix. Through all this pain, anger and hurt, there is hope. I see myself in the future; better, bolder and stronger than before. But the trouble is where do I want it?
I am getting older. My body is changing, going through the changes of an old man. Personal grooming may become a necessity depending on where I put it.
I want to see the tattoo, so anywhere out of my line of vision is out of the question, so no to the back, and butt. My inside forearm, yeah, that's possible. On one of my pecs is also a possibility, but left or right? And then there's size. Yes, it will matter, because of cost. I won't have a lot of discretionary income until my budget adjusts to the lack of income from my soon-to-be-ex-husband.
I guess I'm crazy. And have a lot to think about.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Sadness, part 2
I don't know what to do about a friend.
Out of the blue, my husband asked for a divorce. I had no indication something was amiss. Once he had made up his mind he turned to a friend of his from their college days.
She and I became close through the course of the relationship I had with my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I certainly can understand seeking advice from a friend. I've done it myself. What I can't understand, and I guess I never will, is why not talk to me first?
He went to her once he made up his mind. Maybe he turned to her for advice; should he end it? Maybe he turned to her to validate his feelings; is he doing the right thing?
My point is if he could turn to her once he made up his mind, he valued her more than me at that time.
He spends a lot of time with her, and tells me she wants to continue to be in my life as my friend. She cares for me as well. I don't know that I can be in her life. I am convinced she did not meddle in any way between us. She is not that type of person. The truth is she is a good person. I will miss her.
How I see it is like this: He stole the opportunity to save my marriage from me and, in a way, gave it to her. From his point of view, it wasn't worth saving as he had crossed into the point of no return. He now loves me as a friend, no longer as a husband. She is now in the middle. When he walks out that door, he has lost all rights to know anything about me. She lives close enough to come and rescue the dogs and cat if I were to become hospitalized, or otherwise detained from getting home. But, can she refrain from telling him anything? Only she can say. I guess the ball is actually in her court.
Out of the blue, my husband asked for a divorce. I had no indication something was amiss. Once he had made up his mind he turned to a friend of his from their college days.
She and I became close through the course of the relationship I had with my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I certainly can understand seeking advice from a friend. I've done it myself. What I can't understand, and I guess I never will, is why not talk to me first?
He went to her once he made up his mind. Maybe he turned to her for advice; should he end it? Maybe he turned to her to validate his feelings; is he doing the right thing?
My point is if he could turn to her once he made up his mind, he valued her more than me at that time.
He spends a lot of time with her, and tells me she wants to continue to be in my life as my friend. She cares for me as well. I don't know that I can be in her life. I am convinced she did not meddle in any way between us. She is not that type of person. The truth is she is a good person. I will miss her.
How I see it is like this: He stole the opportunity to save my marriage from me and, in a way, gave it to her. From his point of view, it wasn't worth saving as he had crossed into the point of no return. He now loves me as a friend, no longer as a husband. She is now in the middle. When he walks out that door, he has lost all rights to know anything about me. She lives close enough to come and rescue the dogs and cat if I were to become hospitalized, or otherwise detained from getting home. But, can she refrain from telling him anything? Only she can say. I guess the ball is actually in her court.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Sadness, part 1
How does one announce the end of a marriage, or does one? Do you tell only a few close friends and family? post it on Facebook or MySpace? blog about it? all of the above?
Yet, that is what I must do. Out of the blue my husband announces to me he wants out. No warning, no suspicious behavior, I saw nothing. Was I blind? Perhaps. I noticed some distance the last couple of weeks. I asked and was told it was summer jitters over the new school year. (I had them, too. I am changing grade levels, again. So, that made sense.) But, it seems he had been feeling a little different about me for about a year and still never said anything to me about any possible problem. And he insisted I did nothing wrong, it is simply his problem. We didn't have a problem, he did. Therefore, I couldn't have helped even if he had told me. Bullsh*t. We were a couple, it was our problem.
Yet, why he could still not tell me he had been struggling bothers me. Oddly enough, he did talk to two of our friends, one of his closest straight girl friends from college, and a gay male friend who had been through a recent break-up. But, he talked with them only after he had come to the conclusion it was time to go. He valued their help more than mine. Slap me in the face, why don't you? (It turns out, she insisted he take us to counseling, but no, he wouldn't go. And the gay male friend, he was the dumpee, not the dumper. So he was more sympathetic to my position, than to my ex-'s. Both did advise him to proceed with caution, because once he starts there's no turning back.) He also told another friend, more so to alert her, so she could check in on me and make sure I was doing ok. He thought of everything, isn't he sweet? Too bad he didn't think of talking to me first.
So, instead, he sends me a letter. From the sofa. In this letter, ok, an email, he tells me what's been bothering him lately. He can talk to friends, but not to me. I get an email. He does explain why; he needed to write down his feelings first, so he would be clear and focused. I get that, I really do. But to send it in an email, does he not have the decency to at least read it to me in person? WTF? Am I that horrible of a person he can't tell me; first, we have a problem, and second, asks for a divorce via email?
So, his feelings for me have changed. That was it. He now loves me as a friend (gods, I hate that phrase) and is hoping we can remain friends after all this. I don't think so. Not immediately anyway, if at all. I have only two men in my life I consider an 'ex-'. And one I never actually got to call a lover, let alone a boyfriend. We were sooo spiritually, and intellectually connected; but never physical nor emotional (well, not the same emotional level anyway.) He was just coming out and still felt he had some exploring to do, there was something about a leather fantasy, I think. So, I was just a real good friend who was helping him through a difficult yet exciting time. (Out of curiosity, I googled him some 15 years later and he is living in another state with his husband who probably looks as good in leather as Don Knotts would have.) My only other 'ex-' is a real 'ex-'. We lived together for about 7 of our 8 years together before he passed away, a month before our 8th anniversary. So, I do not have a collection of 'exes' like many of my gay brethren. When you walk out on me, it is for good.
One other point my soon-to-be ex-husband brought up in his decision to end our marriage; he never had the experience of being on his own. He left his parents' home after high school, lived alone for a while, moved back home, found some roommates and subsequently moved between roommates and his parents again and again until he moved in with me. Now he wants to live alone? Maybe he was too young. He was 20, I was 37. Ironically, he is now the age I was when we first met. I already had lived alone. Now, I was looking forward to not living alone, ever. Now I get to. Maybe. I will need help with the house. (Alimony?)
So, he says he simply fell out of love with me. After 15 years? With two years' legal recognition? We were legally married before Proposition 8 was passed. We were one of the 18,000 couples the California Supreme Court refused to invalidate. Bless them. Now, he is invalidating us. Curse him.
Ok, I actually don't want to curse him. You know, bad karma and all. And living well is the best revenge.
Yet, that is what I must do. Out of the blue my husband announces to me he wants out. No warning, no suspicious behavior, I saw nothing. Was I blind? Perhaps. I noticed some distance the last couple of weeks. I asked and was told it was summer jitters over the new school year. (I had them, too. I am changing grade levels, again. So, that made sense.) But, it seems he had been feeling a little different about me for about a year and still never said anything to me about any possible problem. And he insisted I did nothing wrong, it is simply his problem. We didn't have a problem, he did. Therefore, I couldn't have helped even if he had told me. Bullsh*t. We were a couple, it was our problem.
Yet, why he could still not tell me he had been struggling bothers me. Oddly enough, he did talk to two of our friends, one of his closest straight girl friends from college, and a gay male friend who had been through a recent break-up. But, he talked with them only after he had come to the conclusion it was time to go. He valued their help more than mine. Slap me in the face, why don't you? (It turns out, she insisted he take us to counseling, but no, he wouldn't go. And the gay male friend, he was the dumpee, not the dumper. So he was more sympathetic to my position, than to my ex-'s. Both did advise him to proceed with caution, because once he starts there's no turning back.) He also told another friend, more so to alert her, so she could check in on me and make sure I was doing ok. He thought of everything, isn't he sweet? Too bad he didn't think of talking to me first.
So, instead, he sends me a letter. From the sofa. In this letter, ok, an email, he tells me what's been bothering him lately. He can talk to friends, but not to me. I get an email. He does explain why; he needed to write down his feelings first, so he would be clear and focused. I get that, I really do. But to send it in an email, does he not have the decency to at least read it to me in person? WTF? Am I that horrible of a person he can't tell me; first, we have a problem, and second, asks for a divorce via email?
So, his feelings for me have changed. That was it. He now loves me as a friend (gods, I hate that phrase) and is hoping we can remain friends after all this. I don't think so. Not immediately anyway, if at all. I have only two men in my life I consider an 'ex-'. And one I never actually got to call a lover, let alone a boyfriend. We were sooo spiritually, and intellectually connected; but never physical nor emotional (well, not the same emotional level anyway.) He was just coming out and still felt he had some exploring to do, there was something about a leather fantasy, I think. So, I was just a real good friend who was helping him through a difficult yet exciting time. (Out of curiosity, I googled him some 15 years later and he is living in another state with his husband who probably looks as good in leather as Don Knotts would have.) My only other 'ex-' is a real 'ex-'. We lived together for about 7 of our 8 years together before he passed away, a month before our 8th anniversary. So, I do not have a collection of 'exes' like many of my gay brethren. When you walk out on me, it is for good.
One other point my soon-to-be ex-husband brought up in his decision to end our marriage; he never had the experience of being on his own. He left his parents' home after high school, lived alone for a while, moved back home, found some roommates and subsequently moved between roommates and his parents again and again until he moved in with me. Now he wants to live alone? Maybe he was too young. He was 20, I was 37. Ironically, he is now the age I was when we first met. I already had lived alone. Now, I was looking forward to not living alone, ever. Now I get to. Maybe. I will need help with the house. (Alimony?)
So, he says he simply fell out of love with me. After 15 years? With two years' legal recognition? We were legally married before Proposition 8 was passed. We were one of the 18,000 couples the California Supreme Court refused to invalidate. Bless them. Now, he is invalidating us. Curse him.
Ok, I actually don't want to curse him. You know, bad karma and all. And living well is the best revenge.
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