Saturday, January 1, 2011


His life seemed to be a jumble of contradictions. He was gay, but not interested in men. He wasn't going back to women, of that there was no question; but he just wasn't interested in men, at least not for now. Yet, he longed to be with one; touching him, exploring him, sensing him; yet, the idea of getting to know another man's body made him uneasy. In fact, it turned him off. But still, he read personal ads, tempted by the easy idea of finding someone to touch, to explore, just to be nude with and to see another naked man up close. After all it had been a long time. He remembered his earlier single days and his visits to the personal ads. All those meaningless encounters had left him cold and hollow inside, closing in on bitter.

He was a man who loved being in love. He loved the idea of having a boyfriend, a partner, a husband. Someone who he could take care of, and who could take care of him. But, could he let someone take care of him. Could he relax his guard enough around this someone new and allow himself to be taken care of? Could he allow someone new into his life? He had taken care of his last few boyfriends; after all, he was good at it, and they tried to take care of him when he was sick, but he found it easier to just take care of himself. He could do it better; after all, it was easier to get what you needed yourself than to try to explain what you wanted or needed. But what about when he wasn't sick? Could he let the new boyfriend take care of the utilities, the grocery shopping, his dogs? Still, the idea of getting to know a new man; his likes and dislikes, both his good and bad habits, was daunting.

Yes, he was good at taking care of his boyfriends; in fact he was so good at taking care of them, he didn't take care of himself. He lost himself in his boyfriends. And now that he was alone, he needed to find himself again.

And what of his lack of interest in sex? After all, wasn't that part of the downfall in his last relationship? He longed for, and at the same time feared, how close the orgasm brought him to his partner. Yet, he was a gay man and weren't they all supposed to be interested in nothing but sex? He hated stereotypes. But, the question would come up in any dating scene. Maybe it was because he hadn't found the right partner for him to truly enjoy sex. That gave him pause for thought. Hmm. That could be it.

But, how do you find the right partner?

Regardless, he wasn't ready, and he knew it.

Still, it didn't stop the longing to not be alone.....

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