Yes! That's It!

For a few months; okay, a couple of years, I've been debating/contemplating/worrying about dating.

I've expressed my fears, concerns, bewilderment at the prospect.

And while I do acknowledge my fears:

• fear of intimacy;
• fear of rejection;
• fear of repeating past mistakes not learning past lessons; including
• settling for someone I'm not worthy of;
• not accepting that the relationship was no longer working,
• not accepting that it is okay to end it,
• losing too much of myself in the process,
• not heeding my instincts early on,
• not taking care of myself in the process,

there was still something else that was missing in all that. And I couldn't put my finger on it.

Until this morning.

I woke up earlier than usual and since I couldn't get back to sleep, (my mind had already begun racing through the events for the day) I started reading the news on my iPad. I eventually found myself at the Huffington Post, where I check out a number of regular pages. One page in particular I check out is "Divorce." While the majority of the articles are written by women for women, I still try to 'find' myself in the articles, blogs, etc. Sometimes I do.

This morning was one of those times.

I read an article entitled "To Date or Not to Date? That is the Question," by blogger Aimee Vlachos. That is where I have found myself, at that particular crossroad. Do I? Don't I? Friends have been trying to fix me up; a lesbian couple had a friend for me the moment they heard I was single, which ironically was the same night I met them; friends have been asking if there are any 'prospects', Facebook friends have been openly posting on my Timeline, other friends telling me "I just want you to be happy, you deserve it."

And even though I have been reticent to begin dating, their 'encouragement' (which I acknowledge comes from their love for me) has only made me dig in my Aquarian heels a little deeper. (We can be so obstinately stubborn determined to do things on our own timetable!)

And the unsettledness as to why I didn't want to begin dating was still gnawing at me. Was it really all the pressure in addition to my own fears? Was there something else? After all, a friend who had broken up with his boyfriend had already moved on to someone new; and my ex had as well. So, why hadn't I? Yes, I know, we all march to our own drummer. And sometimes mine isn't even in the same parade as the rest of society. (It's an Aquarian thing.)

But, that wasn't it, either.

As I read this article, Ms. Vlachos mentioned being very happy for her friend who had found happiness after losing her husband two years prior. Yet, Ms. Vlachos still wasn't ready to look for her own happiness, two years after divorcing her husband. The idea of meeting, and talking to someone new gave her a sense of claustrophobia. Gods, can I relate!  I had blogged earlier that even the thought discovering another man's idiosyncrasies gave me the creeps, something Ms. Vlachos and I both understand. And for me, the idea of sex and intimacy had me considering a new career in the priesthood. (Okay, maybe not the best analogy, but I make my point.)  I had toyed with the idea of a platonic roommate but that, too, filled me with a sense of entrapment. So, obviously I didn't want anyone in my life or personal space, right now.

While there are a few other things Ms. Vlachos and I share, there is one thing we might not. She states she is still looking for that piece of the puzzle she doesn't have, while I think I have found mine.

I have been in a relationship since 1986. My first partner and I started dating that summer and remained together until his death in 1994. Approximately ten months later, I met He-Who-Would-Become-My-Ex-Husband. We were together from that moment until 2010. So, short of about ten months in between my husbands, I have been in a relationship for twenty-four years!

When that hit me, it was like a 2x4 upside my head. I nearly leaped out of bed like Archimedes at the baths, "Eureka!" It all made sense. I didn't want to date anyone else, because I wanted to date myself. I wanted, no, I needed this time to get to know me again, to celebrate ME!

And it's about effing time.

Photo courtesy of GJ Spiller Photography!

For the original article, click here:

Life with Ricky

Inspiration comes from many places, and I know I’ve said that before. And I’ll probably say it again. 

2010 was the beginning of a difficult transition for me. My husband of 15 years unexpectedly asked for a divorce. I felt my world was falling apart. 
 
And then Ricky Martin came into my life. Indirectly. He’d actually been in my life since he started living his Vida Loca, and Shaking his Bon-bon. Like almost every other gay man, I fantasized over him and wondered “Is he or isn’t he?” He actually did come out just six months before my husband walked out in September 2010, then Ricky’s book, Me, was released in November of the same year. He followed this up in January, 2011 with his first Spanish language CD in about eight years, Más Música + Alma + Sexo.

I find Ricky to be quite good looking. All right, he's damn hot! He has a beautiful smile, eyes that can go from sensitive to mischievous to downright bedroom eyes in, well, the wink of an eye. And let’s not talk of those shirtless pics of him circulating the internet. Woof! And through it all, his soul shines through. There is tenderness there, an essence, a feeling that he is indeed a genuine kind-hearted person. Okay, so maybe I'm a bit biased.

Now, I am not usually a fan of biographies, unless I have some great interest in the subject. (I loved Cher’s autobiography.) And like many gay men, I was curious as to what dirt Ricky would spill in his book. Would he name names? Inquiring minds (and libidos) wanted to know.

But, Ricky is quite the gentleman; he kept his dirt to himself. He talked about his relationships with other men, but no specifics, no details. Even the relationships he had with women, he kept their names to himself, respecting their privacy. And that makes him even hotter in my opinion. (And fantasy!)

But, his book left me with something more; a new philosophy of life. Now, before this, I had come to believe that things do happen for a reason. My husband left me for a reason, a reason that applied to me which I would find out some day. But, Ricky convinced me that while they do indeed happen for a reason, they happen at the right time for you to learn the lesson you need to learn. So, my husband left me, and I was ready to learn why. According to the Universe (and Ricky) at least.

In May of 2011, I got to see him in concert in Los Angeles. It was a very emotional experience for me, having read his book, and listened to his CD ad nauseum and believing he was there for me. Metaphorically, at least. His CD remains one of my favorites.

I've been moved by songs before, but rarely by almost an entire CD. There were lines in nearly every song that seemed to reach right into my heart and speak directly to me.

The entire song Será, Será, had a lot to say, here are the key parts that reached me:

Escondiéndote en las sombras,
No vas a encontrar lo que tú buscas,
Nunca jamás,
Abrazando tu destino
Saldrás.
and
Paso a paso, poco a poco llegas, cuerpo y alma, corazón afuera, La verdad está en tus manos.
and
No tengas miedo a volar, no tengas miedo a sentir, no tengas miedo a soñar, no tengas miedo a vivir.

(Roughly translated; Hiding in the shadows, You will never find what you are looking for, never ever. Embracing your destiny, You will overcome. Step by step, little by little you will arrive, body and soul, heart out, The truth is in your hands. Don't be afraid to fly, don't be afraid to feel, don't be afraid to dream, don't be afraid to live.)

The entire song is one of encouragement. In an interview, Ricky alluded that this was his message to encourage those who felt who feel unequal, condemned, marginalized.

From the title song, MAS:

Nunca te detengas
Haz lo que tú sientas
Sigue tu destino
Fuera del camino

(Never stop yourself, Do what you feel, Follow your destiny, Off the path)

And although Te Vas, is a breakup song, these lines jumped out at me. Interestingly, I never felt my ex was saying this to me, but Ricky was offering me this piece of advice as I was going away on my new path. 

Te vas
Ya no tengas miedo de volar
Serás
Todo lo que quieras tú soñar
Renacerás
No esperes más
Ahora
Es el momento
Ahora
Es el momento

(You’re leaving, Now don’t be afraid of flying, You will be all you want to dream of, You will be reborn, Don’t wait any more, Now is the moment, Now is the moment.)

In the theater where he was performing, there were lines from the songs painted graffiti-like on the stage, and some panels around the audience.  Some lines were in Spanish, some in English. The only English one I remember now, two years later, is “Don’t be afraid of the dark.” When I read it, I began to tear up as I felt I was in a dark place and Ricky was telling me not to be afraid of it, that through the darkness will come the light and I will eventually be all right. Sometime. In the future.

I knew it had to be a translation of a line in Será, Será and I waited to hear if he would release an English version. I figured he might, since two songs on the CD has English versions. 

Eventually, he did.

And he spoke to me again in the song, It’s Too Late (English version of Será, Será.)

Don't be afraid of the dark,
Don't be afraid of the tears,
Don't be afraid of yourself,
Don't be afraid of the fear.

I know I haven’t taken the steps forward I’ve needed to. Yes, fear has held me back. Mostly it’s the fear of being hurt, the fear of making the same mistakes again and again and again, the fear of change, and the fear of being who I truly am. And yes, it's easier to tell someone not to be afraid, it's another to conquer it.

I think Marianne Williamson sums it up best:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

With all of these changes I've blogged about happening at the same time I'm feeling quite overwhelmed.

Maybe I need to follow this last part of It’s Too Late:

Piece by piece
Put yourself together
Hands and feet
Connecting with your heartbeat
Step by step
Take back the power

Once this school year is over, I feel I can begin to take back my power

Whatever it is

in order to become

Whoever I am

However long I need.

I Do

The United States Supreme Court will hear two cases on same-sex marriage this week. One tackles the fundamental question of who has the right to marry, and the other case involves Federal recognition of a marriage when recognized by an individual State where same-sex marriage is legal.

Getting my corsage before my wedding

Having been married to a man, I do believe in the fundamental right of anyone to marry the person they love. Now, being legally divorced, I look back at the question and ask, do I believe in marriage at all?

And the resounding answer is.......

meh.

I don't know if I would make it legal again. I don't know where this is coming from, either. Is it coming from
a) the pain of the divorce? b) the pain of being hurt? c) the struggles of dealing with the ex in separating assets? or d) the difficulties, both emotional and financial, in starting over?

I think it's e) all of the above. And something more.

First to make it legal again, there has to be someone to make it legal with.

And that's where I am in trouble.

In the past two months, I have been asked by four friends I hadn't seen for a while if I was seeing someone new. My immediate reaction was "No, and I don't want to." And it felt right, it felt good, it felt like me.

They attributed it to my not being ready, I attributed it to fear. Which also means I'm not ready.

So, what am I afraid of?

The past...
and
the future...

They say if you live with depression, you live in the past and if you live with anxiety, you live in the future. So, if you are looking both backwards and forwards, are you anxiously depressed or depressedly anxious?

I think it depends.

I think it is normal to keep an eye on the past to make sure you have learned your lessons, and to have an eye on the future so you have an idea of where you are headed.

But, the trick is not to dwell on either.

That's the difficult part.

The road to gay civil rights has been a difficult one, but we've come a long way from being ostracized, jailed or killed for merely having sex to having sodomy laws upheld, Bowers v. Hardwick et al, 1986, then overturned, Lawrence v. Texas, 2003, to the various reactions to same-sex marriage. So, with an eye on the past we can appreciate the present. While we have made great progress, (I never ever thought I would ever have the opportunity to marry a man, when I came out in 1983!), we still have a ways to go. Conversion therapy is still being touted as a cure, as damaging as it is, and anti-gay bullying is to blame for far too many suicides.

Like history, I need to keep an eye on my past so I can accept my present as a gift of who I am and then unwrap my gift as I move into my future one day at a time, which is not easy for me. I like to look head and be prepared. As much as possible.

I keep telling myself and others, I'm not looking for a relationship, nor do I want to date or just hookup. Nor do I have any desire to go down that road. I want to be alone; a new, albeit male, Greta Garbo. At least for a while. Yet, I think I'm kidding myself.

My aunt and I after the ceremony

I like to people watch. On my way home from work one day last week, I stopped at my favorite Starbucks, and while I waited for my usual drink, I scanned the crowd and fell in love three separate times in about two minutes. Two were customers and one was a young barista. All were very good looking, and while I have suspicions about the barista, I have no clue as to the customers and what their orientation is. While my gaydar was not necessarily pinging off the charts, my attraction to one of the customers in particular, was.

And this tells me, I'm only human. And when someone intriguing does indeed cross my path, I'll take a look at him and at me, and let the future unfold like a lotus blossom.

Maybe.

If I don't get ahead of myself and think too much about our future.

Date!

I had a kind of date, maybe. No, I guess it was a date. Really. I dressed for it. I have a profile on an app, which I have blogged about, and I started chatting with someone, not 317 miles away, or 2,489 miles, but only 20 miles away! Progress, they're getting closer!! Yay!

Our initial meeting went well, he actually looked like his photos. We met for breakfast and had a very formal conversation which was to be expected at our first meeting. I left the establishment wondering if I would hear from him again, and contemplating if I should call him to at least suggest a second meeting to get to know him a little better. But, how soon is too soon to call? I didn't want to appear over-eager and frighten the poor man away, yet I didn't want to seem disinterested.

I also want to say I had some gut instincts about him. He seemed very nice, he is nice looking, bearish, but there was something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I kept my reserve up. Yet, I did want to see him again. Did he want to see me?

Three hours later I had my answer via text. Yes, he did want to see me. But, my finger was still twitching for he also said the one thing I didn't want to hear. The pictures I posted on my profile did not do me justice. I was now fighting the same old battle of my own insecurities. Was I either going to be a trophy, a conquest, or would I have to deal with his insecurities; he thinks he's not good enough for me? Or a combination of all three. So, not only was my reserve up, now my shields were as well. Yet, I still wanted to move forward and prove that maybe I was wrong on all counts and accept that he wanted to see me for me.

I want to interject here, I had been chatting on a site once before with another man I found to be very handsome and sexy and we wanted to meet. During our chats I had mentioned my blog and he seemed interested. I sent him the URL, he read it and felt I wouldn't like him because he wasn't as out of the closet as I was. I countered with some profound wisdom like "We all fight our own battles and I can't understand your perspective, and that's not for me to judge. But let's just see what we can bring to each other." I haven't heard back from him.

But, back to my story. We talked some more, and I asked him out to an art gallery showcasing a gay artist I've been following. He agreed and then asked me out to see a friend of his who was reading or singing at an open mic night the night before my event. I agreed, so we'd be seeing each other twice in one weekend. Two dates with one man in one weekend! Progress! Woo-hoo!

While I'm not going to get into any of the specific details of my dates with him, I see a lot of progress in me. Like the weather stripping away the paint on walls and doors over time, some of my old attitudes are falling away and I'm evaluating what I am finding underneath. My instincts were that he was a good man, he could be a good friend, yet it was way too soon to see if he was husband material.  Invariably, at some point, in the future, down the road, I would have to take that step and get 'comfortable', and then cross the big bridge. I was okay with taking that step with him, knowing I did not necessarily see long term potential here at this time. We would not be spending the night together and then picking out china patterns after breakfast. And I was okay with that!! Dating someone does not have to lead to marriage. And I was okay with that, too!! And whether 'it' happens with him or someone else later, I'm okay with that, as well.

Yet, all this brings up the question, if this were to be a finite dating situation, or even, GASP! a friends with benefits thing, how do you negotiate the end at the beginning? Or do you? How do you handle the "You'll do just until someone better comes along" attitude that seems to be built in to an FWB? That doesn't sound very pleasant to someone like me who wears his heart so loosely on his sleeve, sometimes it falls off. But, I was still okay with this.

It's still progress for me.


--
The buildings here are the carriage house and stables at Greystone Mansion in Beverly Hills, California. The mansion is kept up for visitors, but as few people come down to these buildings on the grounds, they don't receive the same attention as the main park.

For more information on Greystone Mansion click here.

Change

I have changed a lot since this picture was taken, ca. 1984. I was 26, newly out and just beginning to discover my gay side. I had barely begun teaching, and in February 2013, I will actually be officially able to retire.  I will have met the minimum requirements to retire, 30 years of teaching and 55 years of age. It's interesting to me that both will occur in the same week. But, can I afford to? Not yet.

Change is never easy, and not often welcome. Looking back over the past twenty-eight years, I have experienced a lot of change; historically, culturally and personally. The Cold War is over, the Berlin Wall has fallen, as has the Soviet Union and its satellites. Those were the biggest historical changes I could quickly recall. Culturally, I never thought gays and lesbians would be allowed to be legally married. And now I have been; and also legally divorced. I have come out to a class at my school with nary a word from parents, and strong student support. I am both amazed at the advances of attitudes, and surprised at the lack of others. True, there are those who still need an adjustment. I'm not going to address personal changes as I have explored many of them here.

October 18, 2008 My wedding

Yet, I feel one more change is in the air. I am not sure exactly what it is. A financial windfall? That would be great, but the Universe seldom works like that. A change in attitude toward teaching? That is mine to work on and I will be this coming year. Perhaps, an openness to crossing a particular bridge with the right man? Maybe so. I think it's time I, carefully and safely, begin to explore that one aspect of my gay side that has been truly undiscovered all this time.

What exactly are my limits in the bedroom? What do I specifically like, and really don't? What can I accept in a partner and do to make him happy?

While the next school year is going to be fraught with work, for all the other projects I've taken on, and  therefore taking up MORE time, I feel something is up, there's an electricity in the air, or maybe just in me. I can sense something. This is just when the Universe may bring someone into my life.

Sometimes, the Universe just does work like that.