Yes! That's It!

For a few months; okay, a couple of years, I've been debating/contemplating/worrying about dating.

I've expressed my fears, concerns, bewilderment at the prospect.

And while I do acknowledge my fears:

• fear of intimacy;
• fear of rejection;
• fear of repeating past mistakes not learning past lessons; including
• settling for someone I'm not worthy of;
• not accepting that the relationship was no longer working,
• not accepting that it is okay to end it,
• losing too much of myself in the process,
• not heeding my instincts early on,
• not taking care of myself in the process,

there was still something else that was missing in all that. And I couldn't put my finger on it.

Until this morning.

I woke up earlier than usual and since I couldn't get back to sleep, (my mind had already begun racing through the events for the day) I started reading the news on my iPad. I eventually found myself at the Huffington Post, where I check out a number of regular pages. One page in particular I check out is "Divorce." While the majority of the articles are written by women for women, I still try to 'find' myself in the articles, blogs, etc. Sometimes I do.

This morning was one of those times.

I read an article entitled "To Date or Not to Date? That is the Question," by blogger Aimee Vlachos. That is where I have found myself, at that particular crossroad. Do I? Don't I? Friends have been trying to fix me up; a lesbian couple had a friend for me the moment they heard I was single, which ironically was the same night I met them; friends have been asking if there are any 'prospects', Facebook friends have been openly posting on my Timeline, other friends telling me "I just want you to be happy, you deserve it."

And even though I have been reticent to begin dating, their 'encouragement' (which I acknowledge comes from their love for me) has only made me dig in my Aquarian heels a little deeper. (We can be so obstinately stubborn determined to do things on our own timetable!)

And the unsettledness as to why I didn't want to begin dating was still gnawing at me. Was it really all the pressure in addition to my own fears? Was there something else? After all, a friend who had broken up with his boyfriend had already moved on to someone new; and my ex had as well. So, why hadn't I? Yes, I know, we all march to our own drummer. And sometimes mine isn't even in the same parade as the rest of society. (It's an Aquarian thing.)

But, that wasn't it, either.

As I read this article, Ms. Vlachos mentioned being very happy for her friend who had found happiness after losing her husband two years prior. Yet, Ms. Vlachos still wasn't ready to look for her own happiness, two years after divorcing her husband. The idea of meeting, and talking to someone new gave her a sense of claustrophobia. Gods, can I relate!  I had blogged earlier that even the thought discovering another man's idiosyncrasies gave me the creeps, something Ms. Vlachos and I both understand. And for me, the idea of sex and intimacy had me considering a new career in the priesthood. (Okay, maybe not the best analogy, but I make my point.)  I had toyed with the idea of a platonic roommate but that, too, filled me with a sense of entrapment. So, obviously I didn't want anyone in my life or personal space, right now.

While there are a few other things Ms. Vlachos and I share, there is one thing we might not. She states she is still looking for that piece of the puzzle she doesn't have, while I think I have found mine.

I have been in a relationship since 1986. My first partner and I started dating that summer and remained together until his death in 1994. Approximately ten months later, I met He-Who-Would-Become-My-Ex-Husband. We were together from that moment until 2010. So, short of about ten months in between my husbands, I have been in a relationship for twenty-four years!

When that hit me, it was like a 2x4 upside my head. I nearly leaped out of bed like Archimedes at the baths, "Eureka!" It all made sense. I didn't want to date anyone else, because I wanted to date myself. I wanted, no, I needed this time to get to know me again, to celebrate ME!

And it's about effing time.

Photo courtesy of GJ Spiller Photography!

For the original article, click here:

Life with Ricky

Inspiration comes from many places, and I know I’ve said that before. And I’ll probably say it again. 

2010 was the beginning of a difficult transition for me. My husband of 15 years unexpectedly asked for a divorce. I felt my world was falling apart. 
 
And then Ricky Martin came into my life. Indirectly. He’d actually been in my life since he started living his Vida Loca, and Shaking his Bon-bon. Like almost every other gay man, I fantasized over him and wondered “Is he or isn’t he?” He actually did come out just six months before my husband walked out in September 2010, then Ricky’s book, Me, was released in November of the same year. He followed this up in January, 2011 with his first Spanish language CD in about eight years, Más Música + Alma + Sexo.

I find Ricky to be quite good looking. All right, he's damn hot! He has a beautiful smile, eyes that can go from sensitive to mischievous to downright bedroom eyes in, well, the wink of an eye. And let’s not talk of those shirtless pics of him circulating the internet. Woof! And through it all, his soul shines through. There is tenderness there, an essence, a feeling that he is indeed a genuine kind-hearted person. Okay, so maybe I'm a bit biased.

Now, I am not usually a fan of biographies, unless I have some great interest in the subject. (I loved Cher’s autobiography.) And like many gay men, I was curious as to what dirt Ricky would spill in his book. Would he name names? Inquiring minds (and libidos) wanted to know.

But, Ricky is quite the gentleman; he kept his dirt to himself. He talked about his relationships with other men, but no specifics, no details. Even the relationships he had with women, he kept their names to himself, respecting their privacy. And that makes him even hotter in my opinion. (And fantasy!)

But, his book left me with something more; a new philosophy of life. Now, before this, I had come to believe that things do happen for a reason. My husband left me for a reason, a reason that applied to me which I would find out some day. But, Ricky convinced me that while they do indeed happen for a reason, they happen at the right time for you to learn the lesson you need to learn. So, my husband left me, and I was ready to learn why. According to the Universe (and Ricky) at least.

In May of 2011, I got to see him in concert in Los Angeles. It was a very emotional experience for me, having read his book, and listened to his CD ad nauseum and believing he was there for me. Metaphorically, at least. His CD remains one of my favorites.

I've been moved by songs before, but rarely by almost an entire CD. There were lines in nearly every song that seemed to reach right into my heart and speak directly to me.

The entire song Será, Será, had a lot to say, here are the key parts that reached me:

Escondiéndote en las sombras,
No vas a encontrar lo que tú buscas,
Nunca jamás,
Abrazando tu destino
Saldrás.
and
Paso a paso, poco a poco llegas, cuerpo y alma, corazón afuera, La verdad está en tus manos.
and
No tengas miedo a volar, no tengas miedo a sentir, no tengas miedo a soñar, no tengas miedo a vivir.

(Roughly translated; Hiding in the shadows, You will never find what you are looking for, never ever. Embracing your destiny, You will overcome. Step by step, little by little you will arrive, body and soul, heart out, The truth is in your hands. Don't be afraid to fly, don't be afraid to feel, don't be afraid to dream, don't be afraid to live.)

The entire song is one of encouragement. In an interview, Ricky alluded that this was his message to encourage those who felt who feel unequal, condemned, marginalized.

From the title song, MAS:

Nunca te detengas
Haz lo que tú sientas
Sigue tu destino
Fuera del camino

(Never stop yourself, Do what you feel, Follow your destiny, Off the path)

And although Te Vas, is a breakup song, these lines jumped out at me. Interestingly, I never felt my ex was saying this to me, but Ricky was offering me this piece of advice as I was going away on my new path. 

Te vas
Ya no tengas miedo de volar
Serás
Todo lo que quieras tú soñar
Renacerás
No esperes más
Ahora
Es el momento
Ahora
Es el momento

(You’re leaving, Now don’t be afraid of flying, You will be all you want to dream of, You will be reborn, Don’t wait any more, Now is the moment, Now is the moment.)

In the theater where he was performing, there were lines from the songs painted graffiti-like on the stage, and some panels around the audience.  Some lines were in Spanish, some in English. The only English one I remember now, two years later, is “Don’t be afraid of the dark.” When I read it, I began to tear up as I felt I was in a dark place and Ricky was telling me not to be afraid of it, that through the darkness will come the light and I will eventually be all right. Sometime. In the future.

I knew it had to be a translation of a line in Será, Será and I waited to hear if he would release an English version. I figured he might, since two songs on the CD has English versions. 

Eventually, he did.

And he spoke to me again in the song, It’s Too Late (English version of Será, Será.)

Don't be afraid of the dark,
Don't be afraid of the tears,
Don't be afraid of yourself,
Don't be afraid of the fear.

I know I haven’t taken the steps forward I’ve needed to. Yes, fear has held me back. Mostly it’s the fear of being hurt, the fear of making the same mistakes again and again and again, the fear of change, and the fear of being who I truly am. And yes, it's easier to tell someone not to be afraid, it's another to conquer it.

I think Marianne Williamson sums it up best:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

With all of these changes I've blogged about happening at the same time I'm feeling quite overwhelmed.

Maybe I need to follow this last part of It’s Too Late:

Piece by piece
Put yourself together
Hands and feet
Connecting with your heartbeat
Step by step
Take back the power

Once this school year is over, I feel I can begin to take back my power

Whatever it is

in order to become

Whoever I am

However long I need.

Awakening

When the idea for this post hit me, I wanted to wax poetic and title it “Lotus Blossom.”

But, I decided against it.

I have been finding inspiration through quotes and sayings, inspirational teachings and philosophies to try and maintain a positive attitude. And many of them hit home.

 “The mind is everything. What you think you become.” -Buddha

"You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." -Christopher Robin

“If you live with depression, you live in the past. If you live with anxiety, you live in the future. If you live in peace, you live in the now.” -Unknown

Sometimes it's just hard to stay there.

And sometimes, motivation comes from the strangest sources.  Strange as in unexpected, not as in unusual, different, weird.

I decided to buy myself a piece of art from Hector Silva, an artist I follow on Facebook. After all, it’s my house and I can decorate how I want to. (Plus, I got a very nice tax refund!) Twice before this, I went to a showing he had but ended up either missing him or not realizing he was there, and leaving.

"Cinco de Mayo," Hector Silva

His art speaks to me because I find it simply moving and movingly simple. This is not to undermine his talent, for he is very talented. It is simple to me, in that he focuses directly on his message, there is not a lot of clutter, in his drawings; if there is something in the picture, it has a meaning, a reason for being there. He uses pencil, so most of his work is in black and white, or rather, shades of gray and white and I find more meaning in black and white film and photography. There is a very little color which serves as an accent and not as a distraction. From his website, I learned he is self-taught, and immigrated to the United States from Mexico when he was young. His art showcases Mexican and immigrant culture, and being gay, he also brings homoeroticism to some pieces and often combines both themes.

"Rudy and Frank," Hector Silva

Having decided on a piece, I contacted Hector, he suggested a matte and frame and when it was ready we made arrangements to meet so he could deliver the piece. We met in a Latino cultural center and bookstore near my house as he was delivering some artwork to the center. He handed me the piece, and it was even more moving in person. I had seen it in person before, in a showing in East L.A., but I think knowing this one was mine made it even more special.

We chatted a bit, mostly about his history, and some elements in other pieces I’d wondered about. He was very forthcoming, though prefaced his explanation with the fact that he prefers to let the viewer explain how he/she may interpret that particular piece. He did open up on a couple of pieces, sharing some personal history and how he got started drawing and his fascination with Lucille Ball! 

"First Communion", Hector Silva

During our chat, I realized we had some things in common. Neither of us set out in life to be artists. He never took an art class, that I know of, and discovered his talent late in life as an adult. I took a few writing classes, mostly for my college degrees, and have discovered, or better said, accepted, my talent for creative writing also as an adult. 

And that is where I began my awakening. There is a time and a place for everything. My time for writing is now, and I need to make more time to work on projects, promote my current one, and accept this talent I have. But, what has been holding me back? Hector puts some very personal elements from his life in his work as a catharsis.

If he can do it, so can I.

Like Hector, I have also been through some very difficult moments in life. Though none were as difficult as what he willingly shared, yet mine were still difficult for me. I thank him for sharing with me. I have been sharing my moments with my counselors, yet I seemingly can’t move beyond them. 

Maybe I just need to use them instead.

My piece by Hector (I tried to avoid the flash)

 To learn more about Hector and his art, please visit his website: