|Getting my corsage before my wedding|
And the resounding answer is.......
I don't know if I would make it legal again. I don't know where this is coming from, either. Is it coming from
a) the pain of the divorce? b) the pain of being hurt? c) the struggles of dealing with the ex in separating assets? or d) the difficulties, both emotional and financial, in starting over?
I think it's e) all of the above. And something more.
First to make it legal again, there has to be someone to make it legal with.
And that's where I am in trouble.
In the past two months, I have been asked by four friends I hadn't seen for a while if I was seeing someone new. My immediate reaction was "No, and I don't want to." And it felt right, it felt good, it felt like me.
They attributed it to my not being ready, I attributed it to fear. Which also means I'm not ready.
So, what am I afraid of?
They say if you live with depression, you live in the past and if you live with anxiety, you live in the future. So, if you are looking both backwards and forwards, are you anxiously depressed or depressedly anxious?
I think it depends.
I think it is normal to keep an eye on the past to make sure you have learned your lessons, and to have an eye on the future so you have an idea of where you are headed.
But, the trick is not to dwell on either.
That's the difficult part.
The road to gay civil rights has been a difficult one, but we've come a long way from being ostracized, jailed or killed for merely having sex to having sodomy laws upheld, Bowers v. Hardwick et al, 1986, then overturned, Lawrence v. Texas, 2003, to the various reactions to same-sex marriage. So, with an eye on the past we can appreciate the present. While we have made great progress, (I never ever thought I would ever have the opportunity to marry a man, when I came out in 1983!), we still have a ways to go. Conversion therapy is still being touted as a cure, as damaging as it is, and anti-gay bullying is to blame for far too many suicides.
Like history, I need to keep an eye on my past so I can accept my present as a gift of who I am and then unwrap my gift as I move into my future one day at a time, which is not easy for me. I like to look head and be prepared. As much as possible.
I keep telling myself and others, I'm not looking for a relationship, nor do I want to date or just hookup. Nor do I have any desire to go down that road. I want to be alone; a new, albeit male, Greta Garbo. At least for a while. Yet, I think I'm kidding myself.
|My aunt and I after the ceremony|
I like to people watch. On my way home from work one day last week, I stopped at my favorite Starbucks, and while I waited for my usual drink, I scanned the crowd and fell in love three separate times in about two minutes. Two were customers and one was a young barista. All were very good looking, and while I have suspicions about the barista, I have no clue as to the customers and what their orientation is. While my gaydar was not necessarily pinging off the charts, my attraction to one of the customers in particular, was.
And this tells me, I'm only human. And when someone intriguing does indeed cross my path, I'll take a look at him and at me, and let the future unfold like a lotus blossom.
If I don't get ahead of myself and think too much about our future.