Pushing Myself for Poppies

I pushed myself a bit the other day. 

But first, some background. 

I’ve come to hate driving long distances. By long distances, I mean anything over about an hour’s distance from my house. This comes from a couple of places;

1. A very difficult road trip with my family when I was younger, and
2. Years of a long commute.

My family took many road trips. We also moved a lot and not across town but across the country. We drove each time. So, I spent many hours confined in the back seat of a car behind two parents who smoked. But, one trip stands out in particular.

In January 1974, we were moving from the San Francisco Bay Area to Denver, Colorado and one leg of this trip had us spending the night in Wendover, Utah. My stepfather had decided the road from Salt Lake City to Denver was a bit too risky with the impending snowstorm, so the plan was to head north into Wyoming then across it and eventually we would head south into Denver. One extra day was worth our lives. Good thinking.

We hit the road early and stopped for breakfast/lunch in Salt Lake where I had a couple cups of coffee. Shortly after heading back out, it started to snow and my bladder began to signal me it needed relief. I conveyed this to my stepfather who said there was no place to stop, especially alongside the freeway up in the mountains during a light snowfall. I focused on the trees, the flakes, a book I was reading, on anything but the discomfort I was feeling. Hours later and a lot more discomfort, there was still no place alongside the freeway in the desolate plains of Wyoming to stop during a snowstorm. Eventually we stopped around 8:00 PM for gas and dinner either in Laramie or Cheyenne, Wyoming, I forget which due to the passages of time. I was out of the car before it stopped moving. I was also the first one in the bathroom and the last one out.

During the last fifteen years of my teaching career, I commuted to work. My commute had grown from 1.5 miles at the beginning of my career to 35 miles one way at the end, with one year in there at about 45 miles, also one way.

So, I'm not fond of driving long distances. It triggers some anxiety. 

Two other things that trigger my anxiety; crowds of people and being away from my home. I’m not fearful of the crowds, they just drain me. And home is where I recharge, my sanctuary. So, even running errands can be so incredibly draining due to dealing with people that sometimes I need a nap when I return; but I do take care of what I need to in spite of it all.

With all this in mind, I recently drove a bit of a distance, and more importantly, I chose to.

We had so much rain in Southern California this past rainy season there was a superbloom of wildflowers. As I missed the last one, I wanted to see them this time. And not on the news. But up close and personal. Plus, I could play with my camera.

So, I drove the fifty miles to the Antelope Valley Poppy Reserve, in Lancaster, California. I had also made arrangements to meet a friend who lives in the area after he got off work. So, I'd be up there a while.

I geared myself up for the drive and chose to go on a weekday to avoid any possible crowds; one of the benefits of being retired. I also left later in the morning to avoid rush hour traffic, even though I was going against the traffic flow. But, by going later, I'd be losing the good morning light; oh, the sacrifices we sometimes make. As I was going on my own, I would be on my own schedule, not waiting for anyone else to get their perfect shot, so I kind of figured I would be finished with my photography relatively soon, and I wasn't sure what there was to do up there after finishing getting my photos. So, I wanted to minimize the downtime while waiting for my friend to leave work. 

All in all, the drive wasn’t terrible except for the coffee I had in the morning. Will I ever learn?

The poppies were beautiful as was the weather. They tend to close in the wind, but the gentle breeze that day met with their approval. They remained open. Perhaps thats a lesson for me-remain open.

We need to push ourselves once in a while in order to grow.

Even if it makes us uncomfortable. 

After all, stagnation leads nowhere...

And what is it they say? Everything we want is on the other side of fear...

For more information on the AV Poppy Reserve, 
click here.

Strange Memories

Sometimes we recall the strangest things.

And to what end?

I awoke the other day to a memory of a few years ago. Okay, a great many years ago. I was five years old.

I had learned to spell the word ‘candy’ and ran to tell my mother.

“Mom, I can spell ‘candy’,” I cried. “C-N-D-Y!” I shouted.

“Very good, honey!” Mom said. I was elated, I had spelled my first word! Oh, I was jumping for joy! I ran around the apartment spelling it over and over, “C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!, C-N-D-Y!”

I couldn’t wait to get to school and tell my teacher. I was in kindergarten at the time.

“I can spell ‘candy’,” I said. 

“Oh?” she asked.

“C-N-D-Y!” I said, my chest filled with pride, my face beaming.

“You forgot the ‘A’,” she replied and returned to her task at hand.

My chest deflated, I was crushed. 

Words hurt. 

As a teacher, I know words hurt and I always tried to find encouraging ways to support my students in their learning and eventual mistakes, making sure to reward their effort as well as delicately guiding them to figure out their own error.

Yet, I also ask myself why did my subconscious bring this particular memory forward at this time? Perhaps for some unknown reason in the future. A future reminder, if that is possible. A reminder to mind my words in conversations? Perhaps, and always good advice.

On or around the same time, I recalled a student from a while back and a particular event involving her. 

She did not stand out in either direction, meaning she wasn't a discipline problem or a gifted student. In fact, I had not remembered her from that particular class even though I had taught many of them, including her, two years in a row in fourth and fifth grades and loved every minute with them. But, she was one of the nondescript ones.

The event involving her was the annual fifth grade physical fitness exam. Normally we would use our own school yard for the one mile run/walk but as it was under construction, we had to use the neighboring high school's track. Permission slips in hand, we trekked up to the high school. 

She was a large girl, both tall and a bit on the heavy side. She was very quiet, hardly saying anything in class and when she did, I had to strain to hear. 

We began the run in two groups making it easier for me to keep track of the times they crossed the finish line. She was in the second group. And the very last to finish as she chose to walk all the way. We encouraged her to run, but she continued to walk and not very briskly.

Why this memory came forth one particular morning, I may never know. But, the most intriguing connection was that, while doing some deep cleaning, I found some old CDs with pictures on them from her class. That. Same. Day. 

An odd coincidence or another one of my synchronicities? Personally, I lean to the latter as I believe I am connecting with my own higher self/consciousness which is connected to the higher consciousness of all. And these synchronicities are just a reminder to me that I am connecting.

I don't know. But it sounds good.

Besides, it resonates with me, and that's all that matters.

The Hanged Man of March

Deck: Radiant Rider Waite Smith

When I did my New Year reading for 2019, I felt the whole spread seemed to divide itself into quarters as the cards appeared to group themselves that way. Two of the first three cards all seemed to suggest a letting go or becoming unstuck with the first card setting the tone of the quarter. 

With March having ended, it's time to review not only March but the quarter as well.

The Hanged Man suggests a surrender, a letting go, a crossroads of some kind. Even though he is hanging, albeit upside-down with all the blood slowly entering his brain, his face shows peace; and in many decks, a halo glows around his head. He has surrendered his life willingly for the greater good, a cause he believes in. While the image can be perceived as a bit unnerving, it is eventually for a greater good. No pain, no gain.

I have been letting go of a lot this month; a lot of pain, so a lot of gain, though sometimes I have to remind myself of the potential gain as it’s too easy not to accept the positive and slide back into the abyss. Sometimes we are more comfortable in the pain as we don’t know how to live or exist without it. We’ve been comfortable far too long with it as we've simply learned to manage it. What lies ahead in the light? After all, light can be blinding to the eyes so accustomed to the darkness.

I am trying to let go of having to know the answers right now. Why is all this change happening to me? What does it all mean? Why me? Do I deserve it? What lies ahead? 

I feel those are the eternal questions of life. Change is the only constant in our lives and sometimes the change is so drastic it does become a bit frightening. Okay, very frightening. But, always for our greater good. In the end, sometime.

I’ve also been letting go of what no longer serves me. In any sense. 

I’ve merged my internet, television and landline (yes, I still have one) into one account for a cheaper amount and better service. (It’s still a bit new, so the jury is still deciding on how good the service [and savings] will be.) I've let go of other accounts that no longer hold my interest, or I seem to take some time to get to. I'm streamlining my budget.

Almost anything I haven’t used or even seen in over six months is currently sitting in a box while I investigate how well similar items are selling on eBay. As of now, nothing similar has sold. I might just find a charity shop and make a nice donation for the tax advantages next year. I'm downsizing my material goods. 

So, letting go doesn’t always refer to emotions though some of the items I’m letting go have had some emotional connection, but even that has worn off. So, it’s time.

Now, it’s on to April and the second quarter of the year which is going to be interesting, as two of the cards have to do with the material and physical side of life with the third dealing with matters of the heart; while, simultaneously, two of them could address the completion or near-completion of a cycle and the third could be an aspect of someone around me or of me personally.

I can't wait to see how it goes...

Ten of Pentacles, King of Pentacles and Nine of Cups
Deck: The New Palladini