Vodka!

Absolute is defined in the dictionary as "free from restriction or limitation; an absolute ruler; free from conditions, not dependent on external variables."

In math, we talk of absolute value. In simplest terms, it means the distance a given number is from zero on the number line regardless of direction. In practical terms, if I receive $4.00 from a debt owed me (+4), or pay a $4.00 debt (-4), the value of the amount is the same, $4.00. The value is not dependent on the direction from zero or to whom it's being paid. It is absolute.

People often think of terms like always, forever and never as absolutes, free from the limitations of time.

But are they?

I think it depends on the context. Is a rock always a rock? Didn't it begin as a boulder only to be eroded first to a rock, and then will go on to be eroded down to a pebble and finally a grain, perhaps by these waves? The always here is constrained by the size of the object.

People bandy these words around like nothing. My husband pledged to love and honor me always. One year and ten months later he asked for a divorce, just prior to our second legal anniversary. Instead of being there to help me through my depression, he wanted out. His always was dependent upon my mental/emotional health. Did he know I was suffering from depression? Probably not. Actually, I was in denial myself, so I can hardly blame him. But, I can fault him for not trying to talk to me about it as I'm sure I didn't seem myself. I was no longer the man he fell in love with. But, that's water under the bridge at this point. Let it go....

I see forever as a synonym for always. My first partner said he would love me forever. But he passed away which, of course, he never planned on. Death is not something we like to talk about. But, it's built into our lives and death doesn't necessarily negate the forever. I still love all of my grandparents. After the death of a loved one, we do eventually move on in our lives, taking up with new spouses, while still holding on to the memories of our loved ones who've crossed over. It's common. It's expected. It's life.

It's that never, the antonym of forever, that can throw a wrench into the mix. Never, to me, implies a choice, a decision or even control;  but not necessarily time.

The sun will never die. In our lifetime, that is true. But, one day, it will. Therefore, it is a false statement. I know I'm splitting hairs. But, please, follow me. Here, the never is defined by time.

I can suffer from vertigo. It's hereditary and comes from some inner ear imbalance.  I have rolled over in bed in the middle of the night only to have the bed, the room and the entire planet continue spinning, rapidly, like the carrousel out of control at the end of Strangers on a Train. It's not an everyday occurrence, but damn annoying when it happens. If just rolling over in bed can send me staggering to the bathroom, what would a roller coaster do? I shudder to think. Therefore, I will never ride a roller coaster again, ever. That is my choice, my decision.

Seasons change. Feelings change.

"I could never love him." Really? How do you know? It might be a gut reaction, now. But, we don't know what the future holds. People can and do change. What if he did get clean and sober, could you love him then? What if he changed that attitude you find so obnoxious? What then? Are you saying you aren't open to the possibility that your feelings could change? Are we humans so arrogant that we believe we can control our feelings?

The heart wants what the heart wants. What a tired old cliché. But, oh so true. We don't understand how the heart works, emotionally speaking, that is. What draws certain people together, whether same- or opposite-sex, no one knows. Scientists have been working on trying to understand this for years. Many gay people can attest to the difficulties of not acknowledging what their heart wants. We learn to fight those feelings early on when they first begin to surface. By suppressing our feelings, many of us turn to obsessive or destructive behaviors: overeating, excessive drinking, drugs, or even cutting.

Life experiences also affect us. We never know what (or who) is around the corner. I never expected to be single again, especially after being partnered nearly fifteen years. (See, there I go, it's hard getting away from these words. But, in this case, I believed it to be true. After all, I was younger and in love which was reciprocated!) But, the experiences of being widowed and then divorced have made me stronger and a different person than I was then, and future life experiences will also continue to mold and shape me.

We say these words because we believe them to be true at the time we say them. And yet, they can have a deep impact on those who hear them. Many years ago, before I met my first partner, I fell in love with a guy who did not come close to the physical type of man I am usually drawn to. He was tall, skinny and blond, and I am usually drawn to tall, muscly, dark haired guys. When I professed my feelings, he said he could never love me. Never. There was that word. It didn't matter that I was too good of a friend to lose should we cross that bridge and the romance not work out. But, what if it did? But, he said never. So, we parted ways, and haven't seen each other since. I don't know if I will ever see him again.

I think what hurt most was that I never fully understood why. Why could he never love me? I had to rationalize it was not supposed to be, so I moved on. I hope he is happy wherever he is.

Sometimes we say these words for other reasons we may not know. A friend confessed to me she told a great guy she could never love him. Later, she realized she said it not because she could never  love him, but because she was afraid she could. And therefore, possibly get hurt again. She had said it out of fear though she realized this after she said it. Fortunately, she had the courage to accept the truth, go to her man, apologize and own up to her fear. Brava for her!

Never is a very strong word. It carries a lot of weight. When said in an emotional context it can add a lot of additional hurt to an already painful situation.

I have been fascinated by Nature my entire life. I love seeing animals in their natural habitat. I never thought I would ever see a whale in the wild. Now, I have seen two.

Gold!

 

I know what I want in a husband. I have my list. 

There is some controversy, though, over having a list in searching for love. But, I think it depends on what you put on the list that causes the controversy. Like most of us, I do have a physical 'type' I tend to gravitate towards. But how often do we find someone who is that perfect combination of personality, brains and tall, dark haired, brown eyed, handsome muscle bear?  Rarely. (But, maybe this time I will. After all, the third time's the charm, right?)

A writer friend of mine blogged that he met his partner with no such list. He threw his requirements away. But, I bet deep down there were a couple of requirements; like, for instance, no criminal record, or being a member of a doomsday cult could spell doomsday for their budding relationship. But, I could be wrong.

However, most counselors and relationship experts suggest that having some idea of what is acceptable and unacceptable to you in choosing a mate is a good idea.  The above two would definitely be deal breakers for me, as well as his being a smoker. Well, maybe not the jail time, depending upon the reason.

I sort of have it easier, and at the same time very difficult in that I have my gold standard now. I just hope I don't get too critical if everything is not 'just right,' or get frustrated at being single and settle for not enough of what matters to me. The pictures here are of a time when I went panning for gold outside of Juneau, Alaska. (I'll win the lottery and travel elsewhere, I promise. Or I'll look for my pictures of England and Germany.)

I now know I can experience deep emotional feelings for another man again. I want to feel those same deep feelings for someone else. So what am I looking for?

I want someone who will take care of me. And I don't mean just when I have the flu. I spent twenty-five years taking care of men, who tried to take care of me, but didn't quite know how, though they tried. Maybe I'm too picky and should relax a little, or maybe it's because they were so much younger than I was, both chronologically and emotionally. Therefore, I want someone a little closer to my age. I also did most of the cooking and cleaning up in my past relationships. So, in taking care of me, I also want someone who will put dinner on the table once in a while. I am not talking Chateaubriand, paella or Eggplant Parmesan every night. How hard is it to boil water for pasta? Not very.

I want someone who honors monogamy. There are many arguments out there that men can't be, or gay men shouldn't be. That should be the couple's choice and no one else's. I am too much of a romantic to share my beloved with someone else.

I would like someone who accepts that teaching can be challenging, and therefore exhausting. Sometimes I will have to bring home some papers to grade and lessons to plan. After all, how do I reach that child in the sixth grade who still can't multiply  while challenging that child who is ready for quadratic equations both in the same class? Maybe I should only date other teachers, for they'd understand. But, what else would we talk about but work? That became an issue in my marriage. So, maybe not another teacher. But, who knows?

I would like someone who has a life outside our relationship. I would hope he has career (vs. a job), and is not necessarily married to it. I don't mean he has to give it up for me, just don't bring it home all the time. I do enough of that for the both of us with all the papers I have to grade. (I will work on that.) I would hope he has a hobby that occupies some of his time for I believe we all need some outside interest to entertain and stretch our brains. In addition, I would also like someone who is generous with his time. Does he volunteer for a charity? And then, how well does he balance his time between all of his activities? If he saves time for me, I'll make time for him.

I would like someone who is educated, well-read (note to self; find time to read more), and has a creative side. (Is that too much for one bullet point?)

I would like someone who has a sense of humor but can balance it with a serious side. And who doesn't take himself too seriously.

I would like someone who is willing to work within my budget. After all, I am a single public school teacher paying a mortgage. Enough said.

I would like someone who is social and sociable. But, there is a limit to a circle of friends. If it continues to grow and grow, will we be entertaining all of West Hollywood and/or Silverlake in our home?

Old mining cars and cable spool

I would like someone who is a good communicator and who is emotionally honest with me and with himself. If we can't talk about our emotions and feelings, how can we grow together, as well as independently?

I would like someone who is willing to start out as friends first. Let's not preclude any possibilities. Let's build that foundation, before we build the walls.

I would like someone who will encourage me to be me. We all have quirky sides to our personalities. Let's honor them. Many of us surrender a large part of our identity when we meet someone, and later struggle to get our identity back farther down the road of the relationship. If we start out being ourselves from the onset, we don't have to find ourselves later on.

I want someone who takes my breath away every time I see him. And maybe he makes me tingle a little, too.

But, most importantly, I want it to be a natural fit. I want it to feel like we belong together; Soul Mates, if you will. I don't want him to be my other half, for I am already complete. I want him to be my complement, bringing out the best in me as I bring out the best in him. It's as if the Universe has brought us together.

Twice, I settled for less than what I deserve, and I won't do it again.

 

Confessions

There is an email floating around writers' circles in which the sender posts ten confessions, and then asks the recipients to do the same and send it on. Many of my writer friends are then posting their confessions on their blogs. And in that vein, I thought this shot of St. Michael's Cathedral in Sitka, AK would be appropriate.

I also thought this would be interesting, somewhat different and a little lighter than my recent posts, and give me a break from the upcoming ones that are dancing around in my head and heart.

So, here goes:

1. I am a fan of the show Dark Shadows. I used to watch it on TV in 1972. If I missed an episode I would ask my mother to either watch it, or use my tape recorder to record the audio for me. This was in the Stone Age when we didn't have VCRs, or DVRs. I have every episode of both the original series and the 1991 remake on DVD. I am anticipating the 2012 movie with Johnny Depp, though I have reservations about his portrayal of Barnabas. In some production stills, Depp looks twelve years old and Barnabas was an adult when he became a vampire.
2. I have self-esteem issues which make it hard for me to accept a compliment. I don't believe I deserve it even though I believe the person complementing me is being sincere. (I'm working on it.)
3. I used to have a crush on Donny Osmond. Now, not so much.
4. I am so sensitive to other people's feelings I am afraid to speak up for myself for fear of hurting their feelings. (I'm getting better at this.)
5. I'm afraid of losing control of myself, which is why I don't drink to excess, and have never inhaled, ever.
6. I have old-fashioned values. I want to be romanced and seduced, and I want to romance back.
7. I can go into shock at the sight of blood on television. Sometimes. It depends on the scene. If there are vampires involved, I probably won't. I can also go into shock when I see someone or an animal suffering in pain. My dog threw out his knee and I nearly passed out from his yelping and limping. Coincidentally, my ex was on the phone with our vet at the time. I don't know how to work on this.
8. I can be somewhat of a hypochondriac. I don't go running to the doctor for just anything. But, I do pay a lot of attention to my aches and pains. And then worry about them.
9. I did some acting in college, mostly in Spanish.
10. I used to dream of being a singer. I would 'perform' in my room, when no one else was in the house. But, I never learned to sing. I can only carry a tune when I pass sheet music to someone else.

Whew! Now that I got that off my chest, I can go back to my regular posts.

Patience

Okay, so I have established I am not actively looking for a husband. I am waiting. I mean, my eyes are open for possible candidates. But, (I feel a Whitney Houston song coming on) how will I know?

I think of my instinct as my guide along my hike. I think if it just feels right, then there must be something to him. But, it's after that when I get myself in trouble. I want to know what he's thinking. I don't want to scare him off, but I don't want to seem disinterested. I don't want to rush, nor do I want to go too slow. So, what do I do?

I wait. I trust my gut. I remember wanting to tell a guy my feelings for him were deepening. I thought he liked me too, but I wasn't sure. The next time we met, my instincts were to not tell him even though it was maddening to me. I waited even longer until it drove me to the point where I had to tell him or I would lose my mind, as I really wanted to take our friendship to the next level or at least let him know I wanted to. And see how he felt about it.

I ended up doing what was right for me. I had to take care of myself. I couldn't go on second guessing forever.

It's the same thing with sex. If it feels good; I mean, if it feels right, I do it. I don't like feeling cheap the next morning. I want to wait until it feels right for me and if I lose him in the meantime because he is in a rush; well, it wasn't meant to be, was it?

Or, I let. I like to let the relationship unfold slowly, like a flower. After all, Nature doesn't rush, and I don't feel I should either. My last long-term relationship went a little too fast for me at the beginning, and even though we weren't the most compatible couple it lasted almost sixteen years. But, I can hardly say we were truly friends in the relationship.

Good relationships take time to develop, they need to age so the couple can get used to each other. And here is where I get myself in trouble again. While geography and schedules (the time and space continuum) may assist in keeping things going slowly, the mind is not constrained by such devices. It can be all too easy to imagine him lying next you in bed reading; or sitting next to you at the breakfast table checking his email on his phone while you check the news on yours. I have done that many times; projected the relationship forward. It may sound counterproductive to project things forward, but I believe it can be a litmus test for what feels right for you and your instincts. I felt very comfortable imagining him sitting at the table with me.

But, patience has its own rewards, as it did in my shot below. I waited for just the right moment to act.

 

Well, that's the plan in my head, anyway. Wait and act at just the right moment.

So, why don't I follow my own plan in my heart? I become impatient when it comes to relationships. When I meet a guy I seem to like, I have a need to know where it's headed almost immediately. Why can't I just enjoy the dance? After all, you don't go to the symphony just to hear the last note.

I don't like games, unless they come in a box or use a deck of cards. I don't like feeling confused, and I feel terribly guilty if I have mislead someone. I don't like hurting people, maybe that's why I overstayed my relationships. I'm just overly sensitive that way. And trying to figure out what he means by what he says or sends to me is nerve wracking. It is to me, anyway. Why can't we just be direct with each other, instead of having to guess what the other means? Therefore, we avoid possibly misreading the signs and end up confused and hurt.

I have a profile up on an online site, hoping to meet friends. The last time I tried this I met someone and ended up getting very confused and very hurt, and also possibly hurting someone very dear to me, which is killing me and wish I could take back. For it seems, we both may have misunderstood something somewhere along the way. We both started out looking just for friends, but I started developing deep feelings for him and fell hard and fast. His feelings for me remained platonic and in order for me to heal, I have asked for time and space, thereby bringing even the friendship effectively to a halt.

So, how do I avoid this pain and misunderstanding in the future?

First, I need to learn patience, and learn it NOW! I need to slow down, take things one day at a time, and remain in the moment.

Second, I also need to not have an agenda, then if my feelings do change, it doesn't come as quite a surprise to him. If I go in open minded to let whatever happens happen, then there is less hurt and confusion for both of us. If I limit myself to just being friends, I might miss out on a hidden gem. If I go into a situation expecting something, I will end up disappointed. Expectations are planned disappointments.

Third, I need to balance head and heart. I must not analyze everything he says, which is not easy for a double air sign. And it will be even more difficult now, with my guard up. My head will be overprotective of my heart for a while. The deeper the wound, the truer the feelings, the longer to heal.

Fourth, times have changed. I need to learn the new rules. When I first started dating, cell phones didn't exist, nor did the internet. We only had landlines and answering machines. Today, I understand that texting is considered more intimate than email which outranks a phone call. This is all so confusing after all this time out of circulation. Is there a copy of gay dating rules somewhere?

Well, It seems I have my work cut out for me. But the only way for me to work on myself in these areas is to date. And I don't know if I'm ready quite yet.

I am not a Looker

While in Alaska, I went hiking along a portion of the Chilkoot trail. This trail was one of the main routes into the gold fields during the Klondike Gold Rush of 1897-1899. The trail is approximately 35 miles long and can take from three to five days to complete. The trail itself begins near the old townsite of Dyea, Alaska and ends near Lake Bennet, in British Columbia and the Yukon Territory in Canada. Along the trail I was able to see some beautiful scenery, and some other interesting finds. But, I had to be observant. Or, at least pay attention to the guide.

Bear Scratch Marks

As we hike along our trail through life, many of us  ultimately hope not to travel alone. There are those of us who like company for a while, and some of us who want company until Trail's End. I am one of the latter. I would like someone by my side until the trail comes to a natural end. However, I have learned I have no control over the other person and their journey.

As I continue this new fork along my hike, I have come to realize that I need to keep my eyes open for a new partner as he could come along at any time and in any place. We could be in a supermarket, both reaching for a zucchini, or we could meet in a Starbucks, I could be writing, he could be reading. But, does this mean I am actively looking for a relationship? No. When I am ready, or the Universe believes I am, someone will enter my life again. I am open to the possibility for that to happen. I have learned from my past relationships and experiences and hope I am better prepared for the moment when the Universe brings someone to me. And then we can explore our options.

Watermelon Berries

Both my past relationships came along when I wasn't looking. They just happened. I met both men through mutual friends, and both ended up not being the best match for me, but it was always my choice to stay or go. I consider both to be learning opportunities and next time I will leave if I feel the need to, but only after I have made absolutely sure I have done all I can and I will make sure it is not out of fear that I am leaving.

Fear can make us do irrational things.  Fear can also be a wall we must overcome. Fear of being alone made me stay with my partners longer than necessary, or healthy. Fear of not finding anyone better made me settle for someone less than what I truly wanted. Fear of having to settle yet again, may prevent me from wanting to continue hiking. At least for a while. 

Taiya River

While I am not actively looking for a partner, the likelihood of him walking to my door is nil. I at least have to be out on the path to stumble across him. If I hadn't been on the Chilkoot Trail, I would not have seen the scenery here. If I hadn't been hiking in Franklin Canyon in the Santa Monica Mountains, I might not have seen the Western Fence Lizard.

Chaparral Trail, Franklin Canyon

So, when I am ready to resume hiking, does this mean I have to go trolling in bars and clubs or list myself on dating sites and apps because it's easier to find a gay man at a gay place? No, I don't have to, they are merely places to visit along my way because I do have to be out on the trail, if I want to meet someone at the appropriate time. What I have to keep in mind is the attitude I have. I mean, yes it is easier to find a gay man in a gay establishment, but those aren't the only places where we hang out. But, if I am expecting to find Prince Charming in one of these places, I won't. If I hope to meet people and make friends, I just might.

I know many people go to bars and clubs with the attitude of finding someone special, only to end up disappointed. Many people are trying online dating, or listing themselves on "hookup apps." But, by putting up a profile on one of these sites, am I hoping to meet Mr. Right and not Mr. Right-Now? Maybe subconsciously I am. But again, it goes back to my attitude. Many of the men on these sites are looking for Mr. Just-for-Funtimes, or at least Mr. Right-Now. I am not looking for either. First and foremost, I am looking to make friends, and if a friendship leads somewhere else, all the better. I don't expect the first guy I meet to be Mr. Wonderful, and I have been down that path of being a Mr. Right-Now before and I didn't like how I felt about myself afterwards. I don't want to go there again. Does that mean I won't have a good time now and then? Not necessarily, but I will follow my instinct and if it feels wrong, I just won't do it. And if he doesn't like it; well, then it wasn't meant to be.

And I will continue my hike.

Western Fence Lizard

Walls

In ancient times, cities often protected their residents by building walls, like this one around York, England. These walls served to protect those living inside by keeping the enemy, or even undesirable characters, out.

In modern times, we sometimes build walls to protect ourselves.

Only we build them around our heart.

We build them to keep out the undesirable character of pain. We build them for a number of reasons, mostly stemming from relationships that went wrong.

We might build a wall around ourselves when we lose a beloved pet, so we distance ourselves from animals by not getting another one. Therefore, we can't get hurt again when it dies, runs away or your parents give it away because you are moving again.

We also might build a wall around ourselves when we move frequently, by preventing ourselves from making friends or refusing to assimilate into a new area. Therefore, we don't hurt any more when we leave, yet again.

We also might build a wall around ourselves when we get a divorce. After all, we pledged to love each other until 'death separates us.' Then we find out our partner had other ideas somewhere along the way. So, we pull back from the idea of getting married again, to avoid the emotional, legal and financial pains of divorce.

We also might build a wall around ourselves because of an abusive relationship and therefore, close ourselves off to the idea of any kind of relationship in the future because of the association we have with our former partner; and therefore, we won't be hurt anymore, ever again.

We also might build a wall around ourselves because of an unrequited love. We take the time to invest a lot of ourselves into a possible relationship and it just doesn't work out the way we hoped. So, we pull back from the idea of a relationship to avoid repeating the pain of this never-meant-to-be relationship.

We also might build a wall around ourselves because we may have misread some signals and believe we made a fool of ourselves. So, we don't don't allow ourselves to get close to anyone because of the pain, and for fear of making the same mistake again; therefore, further damaging our pride.

The ancient city walls were also built to keep the residents inside the city. But, those who did venture outside the city gates didn't often return, or if they were fortunate enough to return, they frequently told tales of strange, dangerous creatures. Walls ensured safety. We feel safe and comfortable inside our walls.

But, walls prevent us from seeing outside, from seeing the beauty of the world, from seeing the truth. The residents could only see what was within the walls, they did not see the real outside world. Our own walls can limit our vision. As we hide behind our walls, we might not be seeing a situation for what it really is. We might romanticize the situation for something that is not there, i.e., a long-term relationship. Or, we might be prejudiced by the very reasons we built the wall in the first place, and then project our fears into the situation when they don't even exist. I am partial to Great Danes, and my fear of coming home to find my Dane dead from bloat might prevent me from owning one. (A highly exaggerated example, as there are ways to prevent it, but I make my point. I hope.)

Sometimes we may not even realize we have built walls. We may move from relationship to relationship, leaving at a point in the relationship many experts call a 'marker'; e.g. the 2-, or 7- year itch. We may just go on accepting that relationships come to an end; 'one of us will leave.' So, we simply move on, often striking the first blow, using vague excuses to avoid the truth. "Her head is too big," "He isn't handsome enough for me," "What would my friends think of us?" all might suggest we could be hiding behind a wall.

And I confess, I have some up right now. I'm hurt. I'm guarded. I think of the idea of a relationship and I know I'm not ready. The idea of dating frightens me, mostly for fear of repeating the same mistakes I recently made. But, am I hiding behind a wall? Or am I allowing myself time to grieve and heal? Or am I analyzing myself and learning from my recent past? Time will tell.

In modern times, we find remnants of these ancient walls. Time has taken them down. Or, they were destroyed by some major attack on the city. Unless some big, handsome, muscly, intelligent, sensitive teddy bear of a man is going to come knocking on my door to woo and romance me, my walls will not be under 'attack' anytime soon. But, in time mine will come down as have many of these ancient city walls. I will venture forth, continuing on my path, content in letting someone in, though slowly.

I may even open the gate for him.

Foundations

My ex and I bought our house brand new. Due to our jobs and other constraints, we weren't able to see it grow from start to finish, but we checked in periodically along the way, once we had chosen it. The builder was developing a small gated community and we got on the preview list. We knew where the community was to be located, and we drove by a few times before the builder finally called us to select our house, and when we did so, the construction was already well under way.

The house sits on a reinforced concrete slab. Reinforced concrete. Sounds sturdy, strong, stable. It needs to be in order to support the exterior walls and the second story, and to keep me, my dog and cat safe from intruders and the elements.

In my opinion, relationships are a lot like houses. Both need a solid foundation on which to rest. Both take time to build and to build well if they are going to last. Both take time and effort to maintain if they are going to endure. The majority of relationship experts agree that the best foundation for a romantic relationship is to build it on a solid friendship.

A good foundation needs be strong in order to support the walls that form the framework of the house.  I have a typical house with four sides; all the exterior walls are designed to keep out the outside world, but they also present an exterior view for all to see. There are interior walls separating the rooms from each other. After all, I have four bedrooms and two and a half bathrooms where a little privacy is a necessity.

As I look at my house from the outside, I see the parts of my relationship I want visible to the outside world. I see the walls of honesty, communication, trust, and respect that I want in my relationship. These are the values I show publicly, whether to the world at large, or to a few close friends. The interior walls are those supports of the relationship I show my partner, and not necessarily to the public, unless I invite you in. These include intimacy, vulnerability, self-esteem, and accountability, among others.

Finding the right house takes time. When house hunting, we look for a house that fits our budget and lifestyle, that suits our personality and that we find aesthetically pleasing. We walk in and get that gut feeling "This is it! I could live here!" Sometimes it takes a while to find, sometimes not. Sometimes we need to date a number of people before finding someone worthwhile to journey onward with. And sometimes, when and where we might least expect it, our instinct gives us that feeling, that "spark," telling us,  "This could be him/her!" catching us off guard when it does.

When that spark does go off, and hopefully it's mutual, laying the foundation for any relationship becomes important. The foundation of friendship needs to be strong enough to support the stronger walls of the relationship. Embedded in a friendship are the very same values that form the walls of an intimate relationship. If one can't be honest or communicate with, can't trust or respect a friend, the transition to a more intimate relationship would be strenuous. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to strengthen a foundation while living in the house. Building a house takes time. If my builder had not given the foundation time to set and cure, my house could weaken over time and therefore, not be able to stand up to some of the storms that will hit it. There will be storms in any relationship, and the stronger the foundation and walls, the more comfy and cozy the inside.

Once the paperwork for buying the house is completed, we move in and start changing the house into a home. The walls themselves do not make a home, but merely a house. There are four other houses in my community that have the same exterior as mine. So, what makes mine different? The little touches inside make it my home. The furniture, the paint colors, the decor, the love and care I put into it; all transform the house into a home. So, what transforms a friendship into a more intimate relationship? Love and care do; as well as strengthening the values that are already supporting the friendship. By pushing oneself further in risking more trust, more vulnerability, more intimacy our friendship develops into a relationship. And those little things we do to show our partner we love him/her don't hurt, either.

That said, once built and occupied, houses may need to be remodeled to suit changing needs.  Relationships change and grow over time as the individuals change and grow on their respective journeys. If the friendship is strong from the beginning, as the individuals change and grow, they can support each other. If not, then difficult times may lie ahead.

There's one part of the house that I haven't mentioned, and in my opinion, it ties the whole house together because it touches all four walls; the roof. Do we really take the time to develop the honesty, the communication, the trust, and the respect if we're not committed or at least willing to explore commitment? Commitment, to me, is what keeps the relationship together. Yes, love is important, for love makes a house into a home; and love is entwined in all the values that permeate a relationship. As the values get stronger, love grows; and as love grows, the values continue to strengthen, further supporting the roof of commitment. But, to me, it's the commitment to each other that is the ultimate value that keeps the relationship going.

Just my opinion.