Wednesday, January 25, 2012


Okay, so I have established I am not actively looking for a husband. I am waiting. I mean, my eyes are open for possible candidates. But, (I feel a Whitney Houston song coming on) how will I know?

I think of my instinct as my guide along my hike. I think if it just feels right, then there must be something to him. But, it's after that when I get myself in trouble. I want to know what he's thinking. I don't want to scare him off, but I don't want to seem disinterested. I don't want to rush, nor do I want to go too slow. So, what do I do?

I wait. I trust my gut. I remember wanting to tell a guy my feelings for him were deepening. I thought he liked me too, but I wasn't sure. The next time we met, my instincts were to not tell him even though it was maddening to me. I waited even longer until it drove me to the point where I had to tell him or I would lose my mind, as I really wanted to take our friendship to the next level or at least let him know I wanted to. And see how he felt about it.

I ended up doing what was right for me. I had to take care of myself. I couldn't go on second guessing forever.

It's the same thing with sex. If it feels good; I mean, if it feels right, I do it. I don't like feeling cheap the next morning. I want to wait until it feels right for me and if I lose him in the meantime because he is in a rush; well, it wasn't meant to be, was it?

Or, I let. I like to let the relationship unfold slowly, like a flower. After all, Nature doesn't rush, and I don't feel I should either. My last long-term relationship went a little too fast for me at the beginning, and even though we weren't the most compatible couple it lasted almost sixteen years. But, I can hardly say we were truly friends in the relationship.

Good relationships take time to develop, they need to age so the couple can get used to each other. And here is where I get myself in trouble again. While geography and schedules (the time and space continuum) may assist in keeping things going slowly, the mind is not constrained by such devices. It can be all too easy to imagine him lying next you in bed reading; or sitting next to you at the breakfast table checking his email on his phone while you check the news on yours. I have done that many times; projected the relationship forward. It may sound counterproductive to project things forward, but I believe it can be a litmus test for what feels right for you and your instincts. I felt very comfortable imagining him sitting at the table with me.

But, patience has its own rewards, as it did in my shot below. I waited for just the right moment to act.


Well, that's the plan in my head, anyway. Wait and act at just the right moment.

So, why don't I follow my own plan in my heart? I become impatient when it comes to relationships. When I meet a guy I seem to like, I have a need to know where it's headed almost immediately. Why can't I just enjoy the dance? After all, you don't go to the symphony just to hear the last note.

I don't like games, unless they come in a box or use a deck of cards. I don't like feeling confused, and I feel terribly guilty if I have mislead someone. I don't like hurting people, maybe that's why I overstayed my relationships. I'm just overly sensitive that way. And trying to figure out what he means by what he says or sends to me is nerve wracking. It is to me, anyway. Why can't we just be direct with each other, instead of having to guess what the other means? Therefore, we avoid possibly misreading the signs and end up confused and hurt.

I have a profile up on an online site, hoping to meet friends. The last time I tried this I met someone and ended up getting very confused and very hurt, and also possibly hurting someone very dear to me, which is killing me and wish I could take back. For it seems, we both may have misunderstood something somewhere along the way. We both started out looking just for friends, but I started developing deep feelings for him and fell hard and fast. His feelings for me remained platonic and in order for me to heal, I have asked for time and space, thereby bringing even the friendship effectively to a halt.

So, how do I avoid this pain and misunderstanding in the future?

First, I need to learn patience, and learn it NOW! I need to slow down, take things one day at a time, and remain in the moment.

Second, I also need to not have an agenda, then if my feelings do change, it doesn't come as quite a surprise to him. If I go in open minded to let whatever happens happen, then there is less hurt and confusion for both of us. If I limit myself to just being friends, I might miss out on a hidden gem. If I go into a situation expecting something, I will end up disappointed. Expectations are planned disappointments.

Third, I need to balance head and heart. I must not analyze everything he says, which is not easy for a double air sign. And it will be even more difficult now, with my guard up. My head will be overprotective of my heart for a while. The deeper the wound, the truer the feelings, the longer to heal.

Fourth, times have changed. I need to learn the new rules. When I first started dating, cell phones didn't exist, nor did the internet. We only had landlines and answering machines. Today, I understand that texting is considered more intimate than email which outranks a phone call. This is all so confusing after all this time out of circulation. Is there a copy of gay dating rules somewhere?

Well, It seems I have my work cut out for me. But the only way for me to work on myself in these areas is to date. And I don't know if I'm ready quite yet.

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