Friday, February 3, 2012



I know what I want in a husband. I have my list. 

There is some controversy, though, over having a list in searching for love. But, I think it depends on what you put on the list that causes the controversy. Like most of us, I do have a physical 'type' I tend to gravitate towards. But how often do we find someone who is that perfect combination of personality, brains and tall, dark haired, brown eyed, handsome muscle bear?  Rarely. (But, maybe this time I will. After all, the third time's the charm, right?)

A writer friend of mine blogged that he met his partner with no such list. He threw his requirements away. But, I bet deep down there were a couple of requirements; like, for instance, no criminal record, or being a member of a doomsday cult could spell doomsday for their budding relationship. But, I could be wrong.

However, most counselors and relationship experts suggest that having some idea of what is acceptable and unacceptable to you in choosing a mate is a good idea.  The above two would definitely be deal breakers for me, as well as his being a smoker. Well, maybe not the jail time, depending upon the reason.
I sort of have it easier, and at the same time very difficult in that I have my gold standard now. I just hope I don't get too critical if everything is not 'just right,' or get frustrated at being single and settle for not enough of what matters to me. The pictures here are of a time when I went panning for gold outside of Juneau, Alaska. (I'll win the lottery and travel elsewhere, I promise. Or I'll look for my pictures of England and Germany.)

I now know I can experience deep emotional feelings for another man again. I want to feel those same deep feelings for someone else. So what am I looking for?

I want someone who will take care of me. And I don't mean just when I have the flu. I spent twenty-five years taking care of men, who tried to take care of me, but didn't quite know how, though they tried. Maybe I'm too picky and should relax a little, or maybe it's because they were so much younger than I was, both chronologically and emotionally. Therefore, I want someone a little closer to my age. I also did most of the cooking and cleaning up in my past relationships. So, in taking care of me, I also want someone who will put dinner on the table once in a while. I am not talking Chateaubriand, paella or Eggplant Parmesan every night. How hard is it to boil water for pasta? Not very.

I want someone who honors monogamy. There are many arguments out there that men can't be, or gay men shouldn't be. That should be the couple's choice and no one else's. I am too much of a romantic to share my beloved with someone else.

I would like someone who accepts that teaching can be challenging, and therefore exhausting. Sometimes I will have to bring home some papers to grade and lessons to plan. After all, how do I reach that child in the sixth grade who still can't multiply  while challenging that child who is ready for quadratic equations both in the same class? Maybe I should only date other teachers, for they'd understand. But, what else would we talk about but work? That became an issue in my marriage. So, maybe not another teacher. But, who knows?

I would like someone who has a life outside our relationship. I would hope he has career (vs. a job), and is not necessarily married to it. I don't mean he has to give it up for me, just don't bring it home all the time. I do enough of that for the both of us with all the papers I have to grade. (I will work on that.) I would hope he has a hobby that occupies some of his time for I believe we all need some outside interest to entertain and stretch our brains. In addition, I would also like someone who is generous with his time. Does he volunteer for a charity? And then, how well does he balance his time between all of his activities? If he saves time for me, I'll make time for him.

I would like someone who is educated, well-read (note to self; find time to read more), and has a creative side. (Is that too much for one bullet point?)

I would like someone who has a sense of humor but can balance it with a serious side. And who doesn't take himself too seriously.

I would like someone who is willing to work within my budget. After all, I am a single public school teacher paying a mortgage. Enough said.

I would like someone who is social and sociable. But, there is a limit to a circle of friends. If it continues to grow and grow, will we be entertaining all of West Hollywood and/or Silverlake in our home?

Old mining cars and cable spool
I would like someone who is a good communicator and who is emotionally honest with me and with himself. If we can't talk about our emotions and feelings, how can we grow together, as well as independently?

I would like someone who is willing to start out as friends first. Let's not preclude any possibilities. Let's build that foundation, before we build the walls.

I would like someone who will encourage me to be me. We all have quirky sides to our personalities. Let's honor them. Many of us surrender a large part of our identity when we meet someone, and later struggle to get our identity back farther down the road of the relationship. If we start out being ourselves from the onset, we don't have to find ourselves later on.

I want someone who takes my breath away every time I see him. And maybe he makes me tingle a little, too.

But, most importantly, I want it to be a natural fit. I want it to feel like we belong together; Soul Mates, if you will. I don't want him to be my other half, for I am already complete. I want him to be my complement, bringing out the best in me as I bring out the best in him. It's as if the Universe has brought us together.

Twice, I settled for less than what I deserve, and I won't do it again.

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