Smile Again From the Inside

Photo Courtesy Seth Santoro

In a different type of post from me, I sit down with first time author, Seth Santoro, CEC, to discuss his first book, How I Learned to Smile From the Inside.


JB-Hi, Seth. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me. I first came across your book, How I Learned to Smile From the Inside, shortly after it was published in February 2013. The premise intrigued me as I was reeling from a divorce and the emotions associated with it left me, well, not smiling. I found your book to be very helpful, and quite to the point. I’ve looked at other ‘self-help’ books that are overladen with technical terms, yet you write from a very down-to-earth layman’s point of view. You also use your own experiences to illustrate your point, rather than telling the reader how to move forward.

SS-Thank you for having me here.  I am honored and humbled to share my thoughts and responses to my book, How I Learned To Smile From The Inside!  I am always open for interviews and extremely curious as to how people will react to my words.  Bring it on!

JB-In the preface to your book, you talk about searching for something to help you get through a great deal of trauma and unexpected events, yet couldn’t find what you were looking for. What was the actual turning point where you decided to write your book?

SS-I remember exactly. I was sitting on a plane, I’d been handed boarding card #24, my favorite number, as if given a sign from the universe. I knew was about to go through a rough time ahead. I’d just found out my boyfriend had seroconverted, and was rushing back to him. I knew my journey through understanding this would be difficult and wanted to document my journey through this. I was also hoping it could help a least one other person.

JB-Your opening line, “I want you to find your smile again…and pronto!” is rather telling. Some might say it’s rather altruistic. Do you see that? Why do you want people to smile again?

SS-It’s completely altruistic. Our past experiences help build us up from the inside. You can always tell when someone’s smile is genuine from the inside or not; when someone helps you with something, you can tell if they’re doing it out of the “have-to” space or genuine sincerity space. I remember distinctly when I was 5 years old, I remember wanting to be a fireman or a lawyer or a figure skater in order to get fame, and then use that fame and money to help others.

JB-You’ve been through a lot: two near brushes with death, some deep emotional pain and anguish. And yet here you are smiling again, when many people may have given up and just plodded on in life. What do you think motivated you to not plod through but embrace life? 

SS-Children.  I have always wanted a family, and it’s been an extremely strong desire of mine since I could walk.That and the fact that I’ve always been curious about how exactly this particular tough situation would pan out.  It’s all in an effort to reach a point in life and reflect on the life I’ve lived.

JB-How did you come up with the S.M.I.L.E.  model?

SS-I wanted a personal map of what I was experiencing as I grew through these events. I wanted something that would be a positive influence. I knew Shock was an important reaction to any traumatic event. And I wanted to end with Embrace as a way of accepting the past to move forward.   I knew the steps, more or less, I just needed to find the best way to spell out the word, SMILE.

JB-I love your quote, “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” I’ve seen different variants of it, “Growing old & Growing up”, “Change & Growth”. They all seem to suggest it’s all an attitude. Comments?

SS-I wrote it in a song years ago and many, many people have commented on it, and it just stuck with me.

JB-Having gone through grief counseling myself, I couldn’t help but notice a similarity in your approach to the five stages of grief as hypothesized by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross;denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Did you base your work on hers?

SS-Not necessarily. Though her work was ground-breaking, and I have studied her steps thoroughly, her work is geared toward death and dying.  My work is dedicated to losses of any kind and healing from them.  I believe we all can choose to be happy or sad. As I said, all our experiences build us up to who we become. It is our reaction and responses to them that helps build us.

JB- So my choosing to stay with men beyond the ‘expiration date’ of the relationship helped define me in learning what I do and don’t want in my next relationship.

SS-Exactly!

JB-In reading your book, I came away with the sense the S.M.I.L.E. method is more linear, you move from one stage to the next, where the stages of grief may not necessarily be so linear. People may move backwards to a stage, experience them in any order or even skip one altogether. Do you see it that way?

SS-I think in a small way it is more linear, but that doesn’t mean it is for everyone. Some people may move back into a phase, but it is more of a progression.

JB-You see Shock as a positive reaction, as essential to our surviving the trauma we may have just experienced. Would you care to elaborate?

SS- I believe it is the body’s way to deal with the event in order to prepare the mind and heart to comprehend the news. It is also an essential part in the common ‘fight or flight’ response decision.

JB-I could totally relate to your point in “Mock-cceptance” where you suggest to your readers to look for gifts from the Universe. The Universe is frequently giving us signs that we’re on the right path and so many people seem to be blind to them. Comments?

SS-Life is like that, there are so many little signs all around us, if we would just pay more attention to what is going on around us. When you’re sitting in traffic, check out the license plates, or the billboards around you, there may be a sign.

JB-In “In Overwhelmdom” you mention the frequently used phrase, “When one door closes, another door opens” though sometimes that long walk in the dark hallway can be a bit frightening. So there is no timetable?

SS-Emotions and time have no correlation. And emotions are not quantifiable. The time it takes for a person to move through one phase might be different from another. Also, someone may stay in one phase, say Shock, for a day, and that same person may stay “In Overwhelmdom” for weeks or months; whereas another person may be in those same phases for longer or shorter time periods.

JB-Also, you mention in the “Overwhelmdom” section that we are highly charged emotionally, and without this heightened stage we cannot proceed forward. Comments?

SS-If you want to heal, you have to be willing to do the work. You have to be willing to go within, go deep, feel the feelings, move through the emotions, go dark and dive into what happened. Once you pass through these emotions, it’s only sweetness on the other side.

JB-You have such a way with words; I nearly fell out of my chair laughing with this line: “Feelings and emotions are a lot like farts…they come and go, sometimes they are loud and obnoxious, sometimes they are short and to the point. Sometimes they are loud and peaceful, and other times they are silent and deadly.” Any comments?

SS-I can’t really take credit for it, I heard it in an Empowerment Coaching class; “Feelings and emotions are a lot like farts.” I just expounded on it and added the rest. Everyone knows what silent but deadly means! It also helps people to just ‘get it!’

JB-You equate Learning with fear. Learning to live with the situation at hand invites fear of the changes taking place and surrendering to that change is fearful, yet necessary for the final stage. Comments?

SS-Most of the time, we won’t feel we are ready.  We won’t believe we’re finally ready until it actually happens or, sometimes we have to just fight, be fearless, and do it anyway.

JB-Not only learning to live with the situation, but to learn from your past lessons, is also key to the S.M.I.L.E. method. Comments?

SS-The Smile From The Inside lifestyle is a summation of all of your life experiences, divided by your ability to reflect and learn from emotional situations. In other words we need to be able to reflect and learn from our past experiences so that we may move forward and kick life’s ass.

JB-In the final stage, Embrace, you say acceptance of the situation is not enough; we must embrace the situation completely and look forward to moving on to the next phase of life. To clarify, you say if you’re looking for your next ex, you don’t get it. But, if you’re looking for a next best friend/companion/lover BUT, feeling fearful, you’re getting the hang of it.  Fear and struggles are natural. We’re only human.

SS-Yep. For example, in the case of a break up, it’s the difference of “I’m glad that’s over” vs. “It was a blessing that it happened”.  Yeah, you will be all the better for it, when you realize you are better off for having been through it already.  Now, with knowledge, you will do better.

JB-You describe yourself as believing in inner peace and happiness which equals contentment. A very wonderful state of mind. I find myself trying to stay there. Critics might say this is all too “Pollyanna-ish.” How would you respond?

SS-I honestly don’t mind. I would much rather be known for having a hopeful outlook on life than the reverse. I am an honest person who lives an honest and real life. Inner peace and contentment, in my opinion, can be attributed to the same summation of all your life experiences and the division of all emotional situations. How well do you deak with loss? Stess? Traffic? That said, I am all about finding pockets of contentment. Remember, happiness is an inside job.

JB-Do you have any new projects coming out?​ 

SS-Right now, I am working on Book #2, currently entitled, “The Compound,” inspired by true events with my travels and work in Mexico.   I am also working on an outline for Book #3, currently entitled, “The Five Steps to GRACE” which will be an intense book of healing from traumatic events.  This book will highlight not only myself, but also four other absolutely courageous and inspiring individuals, what they went through, their process, and how they healed from it or are actively working on their healing.  I also have ideas for six other ideas in mind.  It’s gonna be a busy couple of years.

JB-I want to wish you well with those! Thank you again for your time.

SS-Thank you.

To buy Seth's book in paperback, click here.
To visit Seth's author page at Amazon, click here.
To visit Seth's webpage, click here.

Freedoms

I began this post after Independence Day, 2013 with the recent US Supreme Court rulings regarding marriage equality on my mind and then I stopped to think of my LGBTQI brothers and sisters who are not as fortunate as we are.

In Russia, various levels of government have passed some of the most draconian laws targeting LGBTQI people. The local Moscow government recently passed a law prohibiting any type of Pride march for the next one hundred years. Taking the lead from St. Petersburg, which had passed a similar law earlier, the Russian Federal Duma (Parliament) passed a law banning "propaganda of non-traditional sexual relations" which is as vague as the law itself, for there is no clear definition in the law as to what is meant by the term "propaganda." So that could mean anyone- a Russian or a tourist; a teacher, a counselor or even a parent; who is straight, gay, or perceived as gay who, in front of minors, may mention being gay is okay; or may simply be wearing or holding a rainbow flag, button or sticker, or some other pro-gay symbol; or may simply be holding hands with someone of the same sex- could be subject to arrest, fines or both and in the case of tourists, deportation. Russian President Vladimir Putin also signed a bill that prohibits adoption of Russian-born children by same-sex foreign couples, or by a single individual or an opposite-sex couple whose homeland recognizes marriage equality. Gays are allowed to live openly, yet there are no laws against discrimination and anti-gay acts of violence are on the rise though are rarely prosecuted, let alone even investigated, so many LGBTQI people live closeted lives. Seventy-four percent of Russian society believes homosexuality is always wrong. There is also a rumored law that would remove children from their own home if  the parents are gay, lesbian or suspected as such, and the law could apply to biological, as well as to adopted children. 

Yet, my brothers and sisters continue the fight risking everything; losing jobs, being attacked and even death. A young man was brutally beaten to death after coming out to his buddies.


With many Olympians out of the closet, this brings up quite a conundrum for the Winter Olympics taking place in Sochi, Russia in 2014. Will Russia hold the athletes to Russian law? First, they said, "Nyet!" and now they are saying, "Da! The law is the law!" The International Olympic Committee has spoken with Russian authorities who have assured the IOC that athletes, trainers, coaches or reporter will be respected. Whatever that means. We shall see.

It has been suggested to boycott Russian products; specifically, Stolichnaya Vodka, and even so far as to boycott the Olympics. Boycotts don't always produce the desired results and often hurt innocent people in the meantime. Yet, the symbolism of the boycott draws attention to the cause. Seeing as I rarely buy Russian products, and I don't drink vodka anymore (not after a night with cheap vodka, cheap orange juice and cake), it's a boycott I can easily honor. But, will I have any effect? Nyet. I am not an Olympian, nor do I have the money to travel to Sochi to attend. So, again, what can I do? I can bring light to the cause. I can put pressure on my elected officials to try and do something.

I also would like to say that boycotting the Olympics may draw attention to the cause, but will it change anything? Who knows? But, it will disappoint and/or anger the athletes who have trained so hard for this opportunity. Many athletes spoke against the US boycott of the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow over the then-Soviet Union's invasion of Afghanistan which in turn prompted the Soviet Union to boycott the 1984 Games in Los Angeles, California resulting in nothing but a large case of You-boycott-mine-I'll-boycott-yours. Nothing was achieved by either boycott, though the Soviets did eventually withdraw from Afghanistan in 1989. The US is there, now. Okay, so some things do change.

While these anti-LGBTQI atrocities are indeed heinous, anti-LGBTQI attitudes, hatred, and violence are not limited to Russia.

Eric Lembembe

In June of this year, the very first Gay Pride Parade was held in the former Yugoslav republic of Montenegro. Forty marchers paraded down the street protected by policemen from about 200 protesters who threw rocks and bottles at the marchers and policemen. Only minor injuries were reported and some protestors were arrested.

Also this year, Eric Ohena Lembembe, a prominent Cameroonian gay rights activist was found murdered in his own home, his body bearing signs of torture.

In November 2012, the speaker of the Parliament of Uganda promised to enact a revised anti-homosexuality bill, providing for harsher penalties against suspected LGBT people and anyone who fails to report them to authorities. Punishments could include long-term imprisonment and the death penalty for what the law terms "repeat offenders". This bill has even targeted people who know or suspect someone is gay and hasn't turned them in, family members included. What makes this situation worse, if anything could, is that US Evangelical leaders have allegedly been linked to this bill, according to sources.

Zimbabwean President, Robert Mugabe, has called for the decapitation of gay men if they can't produce children. "If you take men and lock them in a house for five years and tell them to come up with two children and they fail to do that, then we will chop off their heads," according to Zimbabwe's NewsDay. 

Seeing and hearing this makes me feel helpless. It also hurts. I can't stand to see any kind of discrimination. Recently, I read two articles about same-sex couples who were discriminated against for being affectionate. One case involved a kiss and the other, merely hand holding. A lesbian couple was being affectionate in a taxi when the driver threw them out of his cab along a dark stretch of an interstate highway. The other case involved  two men who were holding hands in an airport shuttle bus and were asked to move to the back. When a fellow passenger told the driver she thought his behavior was disgusting, he allegedly said, "Want to know what's disgusting?" and he pointed at the men saying, "Them." These cases were in Portland, Oregon and Albuquerque, New Mexico, respectively.

While I don't mean to minimize the pain or the loss of life my brothers and sisters around the world have felt; but I ask, please take comfort in one word:

Karma.

I know. It doesn't necessarily help right now.

Laws can help protect against discrimination and both couples above have filed lawsuits. Yet, laws can only go so far. It's hard to change people's attitudes. It also takes time. Only by living openly, honestly and authentically can others see us as we truly are; human beings who have the same feelings, dreams, needs and desires as they do.

В знак солидарности с моими братьями и сестрами.

A letter to my bullies

Me, 12 years, sixth grade

Like many people, and almost all LGBTQI people, I was bullied. In an effort to reclaim my power, I want to now address those who were my tormentors. A fellow gay writer, Kergan Edwards-Stout, wrote a letter to his bully; and yes, that partly inspired me to write this one. While his letter addressed his primary bully, I cannot do that. My family moved quite a lot through my school years and I seemed to be a target wherever we lived, so I had multiple bullies in multiple places. I detail this in a prior post, Sticks and Stones.  So, I address all of those who harassed me between fourth grade and today.

The other inspiration came from an article by a gay therapist, Ken Howard, who stated we might not necessarily truly overcome the hurt and pain from abusers and tormentors; however, we can attempt to move beyond it by honoring those who stood with us.

So, here goes....

To all of you who teased, tormented, picked on, insulted, bullied and threatened me, I thank you.

For years, you teased, tormented, harassed, called me names like "fag", "faggot", "queer", "sissy", "Missy", "geek" and "nerd" among others.  For years, I endured shame and self-loathing, fearing that what you were thinking and saying about me was true; that I was a fag, a faggot, a queer, or a sissy. In the end, you were right. I am what you saw and loathed and belittled. I am gay.

I'm okay with it; you don't have to be.

For years, I endured the pain and the hurt of never knowing, of never understanding why you all hated me so. Just because I was a little different? Because I was not quite the 'boy', the 'man', you felt I needed to should be in your eyes? For years, I have given you that power over me. I have wondered what I had done that was so unbelievably offensive to you. I was only being myself, nothing more, nothing less. Yet, it wasn't good enough for you.

And I say now, just being myself IS good enough for me.

And that's all that matters.

I could rationalize why you all acted this way; you were threatened by my differences, you were afraid of your own latent homosexuality, you were afraid I'd make a pass at you and turn you 'queer' or you were simply assholes and bitches. But, I'm not going to waste more of my time or energy on the likes of you. In the end, it is not necessary that I understand why. What's done is done. While these acts of yours have left me hurt and scarred, these scars tell my story. I honor them. I own them. I thank you for making me who I am.

A survivor.

High School graduation, 1976

I will admit there were times I almost didn't survive. I was so unhappy and miserable because of what you said and did, I almost didn't make it to today. I couldn't escape, you wouldn't stop. I felt the only way to make it stop was with the ultimate escape. And yet, something, somehow, some way prevented me from picking up that knife, from taking those pills, from driving off a cliff. Maybe I was too afraid to actually die. Maybe I was too afraid I'd be unsuccessful and then have to answer my family's questions. Maybe, back then I didn't realize my own strength and/or that the Universe had bigger plans for me.

For whatever reason, I am grateful to be alive. It does get better.

Recent life events have stirred up these fossils of my past and the pain buried deep within that you caused. It is now up to me to move beyond that past without forgetting it, without dishonoring it and to look forward to the future because of it.

While I may not be able to completely erase the pain and hurt from my emotional memory, I do not have to let it control me.

And I won't.

February 2013

Believe me.










To view my post, "Sticks and Stones" click here.

For Kergan Edwards-Stout's letter to his bully, click here.

For Ken's website, click here.

Awakening

When the idea for this post hit me, I wanted to wax poetic and title it “Lotus Blossom.”

But, I decided against it.

I have been finding inspiration through quotes and sayings, inspirational teachings and philosophies to try and maintain a positive attitude. And many of them hit home.

 “The mind is everything. What you think you become.” -Buddha

"You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." -Christopher Robin

“If you live with depression, you live in the past. If you live with anxiety, you live in the future. If you live in peace, you live in the now.” -Unknown

Sometimes it's just hard to stay there.

And sometimes, motivation comes from the strangest sources.  Strange as in unexpected, not as in unusual, different, weird.

I decided to buy myself a piece of art from Hector Silva, an artist I follow on Facebook. After all, it’s my house and I can decorate how I want to. (Plus, I got a very nice tax refund!) Twice before this, I went to a showing he had but ended up either missing him or not realizing he was there, and leaving.

"Cinco de Mayo," Hector Silva

His art speaks to me because I find it simply moving and movingly simple. This is not to undermine his talent, for he is very talented. It is simple to me, in that he focuses directly on his message, there is not a lot of clutter, in his drawings; if there is something in the picture, it has a meaning, a reason for being there. He uses pencil, so most of his work is in black and white, or rather, shades of gray and white and I find more meaning in black and white film and photography. There is a very little color which serves as an accent and not as a distraction. From his website, I learned he is self-taught, and immigrated to the United States from Mexico when he was young. His art showcases Mexican and immigrant culture, and being gay, he also brings homoeroticism to some pieces and often combines both themes.

"Rudy and Frank," Hector Silva

Having decided on a piece, I contacted Hector, he suggested a matte and frame and when it was ready we made arrangements to meet so he could deliver the piece. We met in a Latino cultural center and bookstore near my house as he was delivering some artwork to the center. He handed me the piece, and it was even more moving in person. I had seen it in person before, in a showing in East L.A., but I think knowing this one was mine made it even more special.

We chatted a bit, mostly about his history, and some elements in other pieces I’d wondered about. He was very forthcoming, though prefaced his explanation with the fact that he prefers to let the viewer explain how he/she may interpret that particular piece. He did open up on a couple of pieces, sharing some personal history and how he got started drawing and his fascination with Lucille Ball! 

"First Communion", Hector Silva

During our chat, I realized we had some things in common. Neither of us set out in life to be artists. He never took an art class, that I know of, and discovered his talent late in life as an adult. I took a few writing classes, mostly for my college degrees, and have discovered, or better said, accepted, my talent for creative writing also as an adult. 

And that is where I began my awakening. There is a time and a place for everything. My time for writing is now, and I need to make more time to work on projects, promote my current one, and accept this talent I have. But, what has been holding me back? Hector puts some very personal elements from his life in his work as a catharsis.

If he can do it, so can I.

Like Hector, I have also been through some very difficult moments in life. Though none were as difficult as what he willingly shared, yet mine were still difficult for me. I thank him for sharing with me. I have been sharing my moments with my counselors, yet I seemingly can’t move beyond them. 

Maybe I just need to use them instead.

My piece by Hector (I tried to avoid the flash)

 To learn more about Hector and his art, please visit his website: