OA

I feel I’m in need of an OA chapter.

Not Overeaters Anonymous.

Overthinkers Anonymous.

In a previous post, I mentioned my Aquarius/Libra combination along with the marriage of the King and Queen of Swords running around in my head. In the Tarot, the suit of Swords is connected to the Air element and Aquarius and Libra are both Air signs which makes me a double air person. Air is connected to the mind together with everything that goes along with it-thoughts, logic, learning, etc. Like the air itself, our thoughts can be quite turbulent at times, like a raging F5 tornado, though sometimes they can be a gentle breeze. But, rarely are they calm.

Clip art from Clipart Panda

With our current situations; political, social and Covid related, plus a few personal/emotional concerns, I’ve been in hyperdrive. Tornado sirens are going off in my head. Or the King and Queen are breeding like rabbits up there.

Even past situations have been coming back into play recently.

With the Black Lives Matter movement back in the mainstream news, I’ve taken a strong look at myself and how I may be unconsciously harboring racist and then by extension, sexist thoughts. Ones I might not have been aware of.

For example, many years ago, a young Black man, probably in his twenties, came knocking on my door. I live in a small gated community of thirty-five houses. He explained he had locked himself out of his house and heard I had a ladder tall enough to get in a second floor window so he could get his keys and wallet. Could he borrow it? Now, I had seen him once or twice in the community yet I still wondered if his story was true as I couldn’t place him in a particular house. But, I didn’t want to judge him based on his race and gender. I knew what I was doing-racially profiling him. I pushed that aside and offered to help him carry the ladder. As we walked to his house, I kept asking myself if I was doing the right thing. It bothered me that I had these thoughts the whole way there. He made it in the house, retrieved his keys and wallet then helped me bring the ladder back to my garage. He thanked me and went on his way.

As it turned out, during a Residents’ meeting later that month, I was talking with a Black woman who turned out to be his mother. I said I may have met her son and explained the situation. She told me how mad she got at him that he had locked himself out of the house and for the trouble he could have gotten himself into. She was grateful I helped him. I can’t recall if I explained my dilemma or not, but I’m sure she knew I must have had some thoughts along those lines.

I still feel badly for having had them.

One similar situation also has been coming to light lately. I was stopped at a red light on one hot afternoon also a few years ago. I decided then it was time to roll up the windows and turn on the air conditioning in my car. Just as I did this, a Black man was crossing the street in front of me. My thoughts were “OMG! I hope he doesn’t think I rolled up my windows because he was crossing in front of me!!” I tried to come back into the moment by reminding myself of my intentions and that I hadn’t seen him until after I started to roll up the windows and turn on the air. 

Now when I’m out for my morning walk and someone is walking toward me, if I can see they aren’t wearing a mask, I safely step into the street. Then I wonder if that person thinks I’m doing it because of their race. Especially if they aren’t white.

But, if they think what I think they think, then that is their business to process. I have more than enough trouble thinking about my thinking to worry about thinking what others are thinking. 

See, I told you I overthink.

I need help.

I’m trying to turn this curse into a blessing by not thinking about it. When I find my thoughts drifting into the darkness, I try to remember to bring myself back into the moment by focusing on what I am doing right then. Sometimes, if I’m walking, I focus on which foot I’m stepping with right then; right, left, right, left, etc. If I’m in my neighborhood, I focus on finding some detail of a house, a plant, or something new I hadn’t seen before. Or, I play music and focus on the lyrics. If I‘m out in nature, I focus on the sounds I’m hearing and try to identify them if possible. If I’m home, I concentrate on the task at hand, but how many times can you clean a bathroom, wash dishes, fold laundry or make the bed? Especially if you live alone? 

I will also try to focus on my breath making sure I'm breathing deep, abdominal breaths. Or I'll try a breathing strategy. Two I'll often use are:

• Breathe in for a count of four, hold for four, exhale for four, wait for four, repeat, or;
• Breathe in for a count of seven, hold for four, exhale for a count of eight, wait for a count of four, repeat.

But, my real trouble is at night when my guard is down so I can relax and drift away to sleep but my brain has other plans. Or in the morning when I’m beginning to achieve consciousness but still in that hazy, dreamy state and the train of thoughts is already pulling out of the station.

I wonder if there is such a thing as Overthinkers Anonymous and if there is a local chapter.

If not, maybe I should be a founding member?

I’ll have to think about it.