Men, Pets, Relationships and Happiness

It seems people have a tendency to want others to be happy.

I get that. It shows they’re coming from a good place. They have a love and affection for someone else.

People also have a tendency to believe that what makes them happy will make others happy, too.

That is not necessarily true.

A former colleague of mine didn't like chocolate. She wasn't allergic, it just did nothing for her. I can't fathom that.

Another friend spends a lot of time at Disneyland. He says it’s his happy place. After all, it is “The Happiest Place on Earth.”

Maynard, she came to me with the name,
but it did suit her

It is not my happy place. It used to be. I am over it. Been there, done that, bought the Tee-shirt. Several, in fact. Plus, a few souvenirs, collectibles, CDs and DVDs, too. I may even have some of their own Disney Dollars still put away.

The mere thought of being in a crowded place such as Disneyland sends my anxiety into overdrive. Even seeing his pictures can trigger it.

When people realize I’m single, they encourage me to start dating. I ask them, “Why? I’m happy where I am.”

They usually reply with “But, you need a man to complete you.”

“But, I am already complete by myself.”

“A partner, a soulmate, will make you happy.” 

“Happiness is an inside job. I choose to be happy where I am. If you rely on, depend on, or expect someone else to make you happy, you WILL be disappointed.” They are usually lost at this point and I’m not ready to deliver my thesis on the definition of a soulmate. I’ve posted many blogs on THAT topic here.

Xena, such a lady

I view my happiness as if it were a fragile heirloom. I am not going to place it in the hands of another person and hope/pray they don’t drop it shattering it into a bajillion pieces.

Then they give up and suggest I need a pet.

And I offer my reasons why I disagree.

Of course they counter-argue because if having a pet makes them happy, it has to make me happy too, because, after all, all humans have exactly the same likes. And who doesn't like animals?

Recently, a dear friend of mine needed someone to watch her dog for a couple of days and asked me. I was a bit hesitant at first because even if it was only just for a couple of nights, it would still be a big change for me as my last cat crossed the rainbow bridge in 2014.

After negotiating whether I would stay at her place or her dog would come here, we settled on him joining me at my house to ease my discomfort. Plus, I would have my food, books and computer at my disposal to do what I needed to do and it would save wear and tear on my car driving back and forth checking in on him.

Part of the reason I don’t want or need a pet was seeing her anxiety surge over leaving her dog. This trip was an impromptu business trip she was required to go on. I recall the anxiety I had when I went on my Alaskan cruise in 2008, leaving my two dogs and one remaining cat with a trusted friend for one-and-a-half weeks. Plus, I started reliving the anxiety over “Did I remember everything? The vet’s number? Did I tell the vet about my friend taking care of my babies?” for that trip. 

Gabrielle, so affectionate

I collected her dog and all his accoutrements on the appointed day, drove him to my house and got him settled. He’d been to my house twice before, so it wasn’t a totally new place for him. But, he was now with me, not his mommy. Then I had to leave for a meeting. And I worried how he’d react being suddenly alone in a strange house.

The overall experience went well and he was very well-behaved given the circumstances of this also being his first time away from his mommy.

However, I came to further realize why I don’t want a pet.

After five years, I'd forgotten how demanding or needy they can be. Whenever I would sit down, he would climb in my lap. I recognized he was nervous because of the situation and gave him the attention he wanted. Eventually, he’d move over to the other side of the couch and relax. His cuddling did make reading a bit awkward whether I was reading an actual book or an e-version on one of my devices.

They can have their annoying moments. Every morning, I put out birdseed to feed a few birds on my back table. He’d bark at them. They’d fly away and then come back. He’d bark again. Since he could see them from over the sofa, I was also afraid he’d jump over the back or the arm of the sofa and get hurt landing on the floor. (I did have that happen to one of my own dogs, so I am aware of the possibility.) He’d bark at any noise in the house; the heater kicking in, the house settling, a neighbor walking by. I understood this was a new and confusing situation for him and just reassured him it was nothing to worry about.

Some of my furniture is not suited for animals. I have two leather rugs which would make cleaning a bit difficult should there be an accident on one of them. I burn a lot of candles on low-lying tables and would be concerned about a curious animal getting burned. I also have a number of plants that could be inviting to chew on, particularly for cats. One plant in particular can be toxic.

Simba, such a couch potato

I realize these are all negative aspects of having a pet and that the barking issue might suggest I’m more of a cat person, which is very true. As an adult, I’ve had more cats than dogs.

Cats are a bit more independent than dogs. They don’t need to be outside to take care of their business. I live by the rule cats should not be left to roam outside due to cars or coyotes. I also live by the general rule that the optimum number of litter boxes should be equal to the the number of cats in the house plus one. One cat needs two boxes, optimally. This is a bit flexible as the size and layout of the house can influence the number of litter boxes as well.

I admit that all the negatives can be worked around. I could toss the leather rugs and the plants. But, replacing the rugs could be costly. Which brings up another important point. I simply can’t afford it. The food, the necessities, the vaccinations and vet visits all add up and I’m not in a financial place to stretch my budget any further without it shattering. 

Mufasa, the gifted child with ADHD

I do recognize the companionship, unconditional love, and health benefits of having a pet. I've been there; I cherish the moments I had with all these precious angels. I miss them and all their little quirks terribly: Maynard, curling up in my lap when I wanted to cross-stitch; Xena, making biscuits on the tenderest part of my arm; Gabrielle, grooming my eyebrows at 3:00 in the morning; Simba, never learning to go up or down the stairs and always assuming his position to be picked up; and Mufasa, perhaps the quirkiest of them all, teaching me how he wanted to play fetch. But, I also recognize and honor where I am in my journey.

In short, having a pet is neither a responsibility I want nor an expense I can afford as I know what is emotionally best for me as well as what my budget can handle.

I just wish others would honor that as well. 

With me, always

Photos courtesy of Jeffrey Ballam

A Year in Preview

With every holiday we have traditions. Sometimes we add new ones and discard those we've outgrown. With my studies in the Tarot now entering their third year, I've decided to continue with my new tradition of a New Year Reading. For this year, I decided to use a deck I'd purchased last year which seems to have a strong hold over me, the Bianco Nero Tarot by Marco Proietto.

As the spread unfolded, I was a bit put off thinking this would be a difficult year ahead. But, I'm taking a leaf from my ancestral crest and slogan, Forewarned is Forearmed. What triggered me was the large number of cards in the suit of Swords. Swords is the suit connected to our mind and therefore anything associated with it; logic, reasoning, thoughts, learning, communication, analyzing, etc. Out of thirteen cards in the spread, six are Swords and five of those are reversed! In short, I see a lot of mental activity ahead and perhaps a lot of blockages or delays in that mental activity. Possibly some overthinking could be in the cards. So, perhaps these reversals are suggesting I have an opportunity to right them by being aware of their forthcoming energies and pushing myself through them, again Forewarned is Forearmed. It's like having an earthquake kit at the ready for the eventual big one. (Note to self: check on the kit and make sure it's up to date.)

January charges in with the Knight of Swords Reversed. I view the Knights as eager young adults, recent graduates who are charging forth to share their views of the world. These eager young crusaders have a message to share with the world and the Knight of Swords has a lot to say as he is the knight of the mind. However, as he is reversed he could still be a bit unsure of himself and how he might be perceived or he is still a bit tentative in his mission. 

February and March have the 4 and 7 of Pentacles respectively. The 4 shows us a young nobleman who is holding on to some coins, as Pentacles is the suit of our material life. He seems to be a bit afraid of letting them go, kind of maintaining some control over his property. Perhaps he's recently come into some money and is afraid of losing it. The 7 shows a figure contemplating his garden, perhaps ready for the harvest. Does he reap his rewards now or wait and see if they grow larger? As I go from the 4 to the 7, the increase suggests growth. Perhaps I should recognize my control issues and reflect on them, getting ready to make some changes for the better. 

In April and May, I have The Magician and Wheel of Fortune respectively and both reversed, my first Major cards of the year adding some punch to these two months. The Magician Reversed is suggesting a possible blockage or delayed seeking of additional knowledge or resources or even taking action. Perhaps I'm not pushing myself as much as I need to as the Wheel of Fortune Reversed suggests things in my life, aren’t necessarily going according to plan or aren’t changing for the better or worse. Maybe the Wheel is stuck because the Magician isn't doing his job, which, in reality, is me.

The 8 of Swords Reversed comes in June and is followed in July by the 7, also reversed. The figure in the 8 is blindfolded and bound, unable to move forward. (If I recall, this card came up last year in February, also reversed.) As Swords is the suit of the mind, the swords themselves represent our thoughts. She can't move forward due to her own thoughts; she has trapped herself. Reversing this card would suggest she's freeing herself because the swords are falling out. The 7 shows a hooded and gloved figure reaching for some swords. Is he stealing them? Why would he need more than one? This card usually suggests some sort of deception or loss. This pairing could allude to a realization of some truth, freeing myself from my own prison of thoughts and any thoughts of deception or being deceived are fallen or cleared away.

The Queen of Wands enters in August and takes charge. She is the Queen of Fire. No, she's not a pyromaniac or a pyrophile, she just has a lot of fire energy. She knows what she wants and how to get it, she's one determined queen. She's also quite charming and uses her charms to get what she wants. She's also one to help those who help her succeed. Perhaps I come into a realization of my own take-charge self and shake things up a bit. She is followed in September by the 3 of Cups, a time of celebration and friendship which would suggest I succeed at something. Or I just have a nice party with some friends. Isn't Labor day in September?

The last quarter will be an interesting one, with the last three Swords coming in; the Reversed Queen in October, the 4 upright in November and the Ace reversed in December. The Queen of Swords has taken the lessons that her son, the Knight, is learning and now has some maturity to add to her message. She is an honest, witty woman who will tell the truth even if that sword cuts a bit. She is one to see both sides of an argument and seeks fairness in her advice. However, reversed she can be a bit cold. She might be a bit more biting in her advice, less inclined to her feminine intuition. 

Could the Queen be suggesting I either become a cold and detached person or am not speaking my truths clearly? Have I not learned from the Knight in January? The 4 in November shows a soldier at rest gathering his thoughts and strength to prepare for another upcoming battle. Perhaps this is suggesting a moment to rest and gather my thoughts for the future. Whatever is happening in these last two months isn’t necessarily cleared up in December as the Ace of Swords usually suggests a moment of clarity or truth. But, as it's reversed the clarity or truth is simply not there.

The High Priestess at the center of it all suggests I really will need to trust my inner voice and intuition this coming year. Perhaps with all the Swords being reversed and the High Priestess as the focal point, this will be a big year for me to learn from her to fully trust my own inner voice and let the swords fall out, wherever they may fall, but hoping no one gets cut in the process.

With Strength as my Card of the Year (see my previous post) and the High Priestess here in the center of my reading they will be a good pair as I can, and should, rely on my own Strength to follow the teachings of the High Priestess.

So, maybe it won't be such a difficult year after all. But I do have my work cut out for me.

December and the Year in Review

The Oxford Dictionary defines a hermit as:

The Hermit
Rider Waite Smith Tarot

1. A person living in solitude as a religious discipline.
2. Any person living in solitude or seeking to do so.

The Hermit was my tarot card for December. However, he was reversed. As I’ve blogged before, reversals can suggest the opposite meaning of the card when upright. In the Tarot, the Hermit can suggest a need for a period of isolation, mostly for reasons of introspection. It might also suggest a need or desire to disconnect from society and/or social media. Reversed, it could suggest the opposite, it’s time to do less introspection, be less isolated, step out a bit more.

Or,  perhaps the introspection isn’t deep enough due to some blockage.

The Hermit
New Palladini Tarot

The Hermit carries a lantern with him which serves two purposes. The obvious one is to light his path as he continues his journey. The other purpose is to light the way for others to seek him.

Often in literature, a hermit is pictured as someone who lives in solitude usually up on a mountain away from society, because he, or she, realizes they no longer “fit in” or they see that the ways of society don’t mesh with their own views. Yet, many people climb the mountain to seek answers from the Hermit.

Perhaps, that’s the message for me here. While the spiritual views I hold often clash with those of society and even more so with the general lgbtq population, perhaps it’s time to just come down off the mountain and be who I am and let those who need or want to see my lantern, seek me out.

I think that’s it.

Standing up for one’s beliefs is hard, especially when they diverge from the mainstream. But, someone once told me if you don’t feel like you fit in, maybe that’s the point.

I don't fit in and that's okay. Now, I need to work on letting it be okay.

As 2019 has come to a close, it’s also time to reflect on the overall card for my year. Well, actually there are two cards for my previous year; the Page of Rods, which came up in my New Year's reading, and the Major Arcana card corresponding to my year number.

Page of Wands
New Palladini Tarot

The Page of Rods shows a young man looking off into the distance. He’s young, eager and filled with a zest for life. He is young enough to accept he still has a lot to learn but is eager to set out on his life path. He’s creative, energetic and sees the world in front of him as a wondrous place to explore. This was a year to explore and take those creative steps forward. I feel I have explored more of myself and a possible path forward. I may not have stepped out as much as I could have as suggested by the Hermit reversed, but I did join a couple of other groups, I just haven't channeled my inner Page of Rods and actually attended them. Yet. 

The Chariot
Radiant Rider Waite Smith Tarot

The Major Arcana card is calculated by taking one's birthday and the year in question, totaling them and then adding those digits to arrive at a number less than 22 which then corresponds to one of the 22 cards in the Major Arcana. So for last year, the numbers in question brought me to the number 7. So, to illustrate; 2019 + 2 + 11= 2,032, then 2 + 0 + 3 + 2=7. The seventh card in the Major Arcana is the Chariot meaning last year was a Chariot year for me. I view the Chariot as a forward moving vehicle making progress as long as the Charioteer maintains control over the chariot. It takes some physical strength to keep the chariot on the forward path. I view forward progress as growth. I do feel in many areas I grew. I’ve let things go I no longer needed, especially in the way I view situations. I've learned I can only control my own chariot and no one else's.

Astrologically the Chariot is connected to Cancer, the crab. And like the crab, the Charioteer is protected by armor which covers his vulnerability, i.e., his emotions. Cancer is one of three water signs which means those signs feel their emotions more deeply than the other nine. I take the armor as a way of keeping the Charioteer focused on moving forward, concentrating on what he needs to and not be distracted by unnecessary emotions. Plus, the armor also gives the Charioteer the appearance of being less vulnerable than he truly could be.

As I look back on my year, I feel I was able to keep my hands on the reins of my chariot so it could maintain its forward movement without being distracted by too many emotions. Well, most of the time. A good charioteer must also be aware of their surroundings at all times, too. So, yes, I admit to being distracted a few times, but regained control with the help of some friends.

Now, on to 2020 and my new card of the year:

Strength
Radiant Rider Waite Smith Tarot