The Doldrums

A few years ago while teaching, I became enchanted with the book, The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster. It’s a wonderful story about a young boy named Milo and is filled with wonderful examples of figurative language.

The story opens and Milo is bored and believes his life has no direction because he has nothing to do. Wherever he is, he wishes he were somewhere else and when he’s somewhere else, he wishes he was back where he was. A mysterious box appears in his room containing an unassembled tollbooth, some coins and a map. He assembles the tollbooth, checks the map and gets in a small electric car he owns but hasn’t driven in months-or maybe years, he can't remember-and approaches the toll booth. He uses the coins to pay the toll and sets off on an adventure of a lifetime through the Lands Beyond.

One of the first places Milo experiences in the Lands Beyond is the Doldrums, described as mile after mile after mile after mile of the same dull, drab, gray landscape. His car eventually goes slower and slower and slower and Milo finds himself feeling drowsier and drowsier and very dull. Wondering aloud, he asks himself where he is. A voice from very far away tells him he is in The Doldrums, the land where nothing ever happens and nothing ever changes and, in fact, laughing and thinking are against the law there.

Later, I was surprised to actually find the Doldrums on a world map making it a real place. Kind of. Further investigation led me to discover it is also known as The Intertropical Convergence Zone. It lies along the equator where the northeast and southeast Tradewinds converge. Due to the weather patterns along the equator, the Tradewinds converge here and then rise straight up, leaving almost no surface winds which, in turn, leaves boats without any wind to help them along. Therefore, they simply drift along, directionless. Nowadays, many boats and ships have motors to help them in windless times and, evidently, in windless locations.

Lately, I’ve felt I’ve been in the Doldrums, metaphorically, that is. Drifting along directionless. I’ve been trying to motivate myself to do more and to get out more. To that end, I applied for a seasonal job, but for some reason unbeknownst to me, I am no longer being considered for it. Yet, that chain is still hiring. I’ll apply for another job elsewhere and see what happens. My concern, though, with working while being an introvert and an empath is that it can be exhausting working around people. Maybe a people-free job exists somewhere? But, to be honest, some human interaction is actually healthy.

The majority of my friends have jobs so, during the day, they are occupied. If I go out for a walk, I’m walking alone which still gives me the freedom to overthink. I do try some walking meditations where I focus on the landscape around me or try and identify the various sounds I hear, especially if I’m walking along a nature trail. I sometimes walk the local mall, leaving my credit cards at home or the tendency to shop can be a bit tempting. If I want to socialize at night or on weekends, my friends often have family obligations. Or they live far away.

Something else I’ve tried in order to cure the Doldrums is looking for groups to socialize with but the dues to attend their functions or the cost of their events adds up and for someone on a fixed income, that can be an issue. A few of them seemed interesting at first, but didn't live up to their hype or had agendas other than what I was looking for.

Plus, there’s the introvert/empath thing again. 

I’ve tried working on my writing projects but after a while, the arthritis in my hands and tendinitis in my wrists and elbows alert me to when I’ve done enough typing for a while. But, I still do need to get those works finished.

So, I stay home a lot, but I can only dust the rooms, sweep the floors, sort out closets or clean bathrooms so often. I do some reading, mostly books on overcoming anxiety or enhancing my tarot studies and other related fields. 

I've considered volunteering at a local animal shelter, but I’d want to bring home a cat or two, yet my budget simply can’t handle the food, litter, vaccinations, check-ups, toys and other feline necessities. Plus, my plants wouldn't necessarily like possibly being chewed on. 

I do have a project in the works, but I’m not ready to come out with it, just yet. Some logistics still need to be worked out. Plus, it's not quite a socializing event. 

In short, I just need to set a course for somewhere and see what happens. After all, ships never get anywhere staying close to the shore.

Besides, I can always change course if the first one doesn’t work out.

Again.

October

The original card from
the Rider Waite Smith deck

Since we have moved into November, it’s time to check in with my October card from my New Year's Reading and we find ourselves with the Four of Pentacles, Reversed.

As I mentioned earlier in April with the Ten of Pentacles, this is the suit associated with prosperity, abundance and material goods. As we need to work to attain prosperity, it can also relate to labor, jobs, investments, etc. As we examine the figure in the traditional card, we can see he is hanging on to his Pentacles by grasping one to his chest and standing on two of them. As four is near the beginning of the suit, this is suggesting the figure is early in his understanding of the suit. He’s made some money, or acquired some possessions and is fearful of losing them. Therefore, he’s clinging to them, or trying to control what he has. So, in an upright position, this is a card about controlling and maintaining what we have in terms of our material situation.

The Four of Pentacles,
New Palladini

In my reading, I used the New Palladini deck and this card came up reversed. Reversals can indicate a delay, an obstacle, a blockage or simply the opposite meaning. Are there things I’m hanging on to that no longer serve me? While Pentacles is mostly about material goods and possessions, this card, reversed, could also suggest a letting go of control in general. In some instances, a reversal may also suggest the upright energy of the card but to its most extreme. In this case, it might suggest the figure is taking the fear of losing his possessions to the extreme of hoarding, stinginess or outright possessiveness. 

I can always find things I’m no longer using and donate them to a charity or simply toss out. In fact, I try to make it a habit to find a minimum of fifty things throughout each year to toss. This can include outdated medications, CDs I no longer listen to, DVDs that have lost my interest, clothes that no longer fit or are too worn, etc. Or it could even be something I haven’t set eyes on in the last 6 months.

Pentacles is the suit also connected to the Earth element. Have I been outdoors in Nature much? Not really. Do I feel grounded or connected to the Earth? Again, not really.

There were some things that came up in this past month that caused me to take a look at myself.

I posted about them in a fairly recent blog, Humbled, where I learned that if you let go of an expected, or highly anticipated outcome, you will never be disappointed.

I take it that was the message of the card. Letting go of expectations, relinquishing control, or not blocking the changes meant for my higher good.

But, I still feel the need to get out into Nature more and ground myself. 

Going Home

They say you can’t go home again. I understand it’s a metaphor regarding the changes that people go through as life goes on and on for the one who leaves and those who don't. So, everything will be different when the prodigal child returns.

My old home in Sacramento

For me, that saying became literal as well. In 1976, I moved to Los Angeles from Sacramento, California for college. During my freshman year, my stepfather accepted a job in St. Louis, Missouri. So, my home in California disappeared into nothingness leaving Los Angeles as my new home. I used to tell people I didn't leave home, it left me. Missouri would never be home as I had no real connection to it and they lived there barely nine months anyway before moving once again. And, in reality, Sacramento wasn’t truly home as we’d only lived there about a year and a half before I left and two years before they did. Yet, my grandparents had lived there for as long as I can recall and remained there until they passed. So, Sacramento always was a home base of some kind.

My mother has lived in the Atlanta area since 1979. I recently went to visit and discovered another aspect of going home even if it’s just home to visit mom wherever she may reside. I’ve changed even more since my previous visit over a year ago. Last year, I’d toyed with the idea of telling her I was beginning to study the tarot and with my first baby steps in telling her, she replied “I thought they were supposed to be evil.” I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I didn’t.

This year I was still unsure about sharing that aspect of my new life. So, I chose to play it by ear. For several reasons, I ended up not opening that closet door. I tried explaining about being an empath by sharing a couple of my empathic moments. I tried explaining some of my intuitive experiences. I’m not sure she grasped any of it, but I’m grateful she listened even if she didn’t know what to say. No one usually does. I’m used to it, so I go it mostly alone, with a few friends who do understand. Kind of.

I did bring up the fact I see the same numbers over and over. I pointed out once that it was 1:11 on the clock and that I’d noticed 11:11 earlier that morning. She said she didn’t believe in that stuff. I took that as not a good sign.

I know this aspect of my life is hard to understand for those who are more secular or religious than spiritual. After all, those nasty tarot cards are frowned upon by churches and those who read them are children of the devil. We've been brainwashed not to pay attention to our intuition as it's seen by some as an evil spirit, mental illness or unreal. Other people get freaked out by it.

Mom and I had some moments of conservative vs. liberal politics but when we realized we would not see eye to eye we steered clear of them. Religion sort of reared its head and we ended up dropping that topic as well and we did the same with environmental issues. 

The view from my mother's back deck

All in all, it was similar to previous visits but for some reason my anxiety was through the roof. Maybe it was because I’m still getting used to these newer dimensions of me and I wasn’t sure of how to proceed in sharing with her, or if I even should. Maybe it was the idea of not being in my own home, my comfort zone. Perhaps it was just being around another person for 24 hours a day after living alone for so many years, regardless of who it was.

Or maybe it was just being in the conservative, oppressive south.

Maybe it was the realization that this was the first time in my life I knew she couldn’t be there for me as I needed her to be. Even as she tried.

Maybe it was all of the above.

I don’t wish to paint my mother as a difficult person. She isn’t. She is very loving and has been there as much for me as she has for my brothers and their issues. She was the only family member who initially stood by my side when I came out as gay. She has her upbringing which has led her down a conservative path and she recognizes we all have our differences which she respects.

As I reflect on what I learned about myself on this trip, I have come to this conclusion; it’s still difficult to ask for what I want or need in relationships. It wasn’t until almost the very end of my stay when I asked for some quiet time on my own. Yes, I could have gone up to "my room” and lie down or something. And, yes, I could have borrowed her car and gone into Atlanta for a day out on my own. But, it’s also hard to ask for that when you’ve made your annual trek across the country to visit and help your aging mother while recognizing she wants to maximize the time we have together. Based on her needs, obligations and other family engagements in the area, we arranged our chores around them, which then also limited my ability to go explore Atlanta. Plus, the two hour drive into the city was also a huge factor. 

So, all in all, it was a nice visit, even if it had its ups and downs. Hopefully, next time I’ll be a bit more grounded.  

Home, my comfort zone