Friendly? Reminders

Lately, it seems a few people have popped back into my life after being MIA for a while. That happens. Life takes us in different paths so we may outgrow relationships. Sometimes those paths cross back again.

I, too, have often wondered what happened to someone who was once a part of my life. But, I usually let those thoughts go as sometimes there are old wounds that have healed and my intuition tells me it’s best not to pick at that scab. The scars left behind are reminders enough.

Still, it was nice catching up with them and seeing what they’ve been up to.

Yet, it wasn’t so pleasant finding out about some other members of that circle who had also drifted away over the years.

Apparently, two members of this one little circle have crossed over to a different plane of existence just within the last year. It still came as a surprise but, in reality, wasn’t unexpected. At least for one of them.

I filed this all away in the back of my head. After all, I hadn’t seen one of them for about 8 years and hadn’t been in touch with the other for about 6.

And I went about my days. 

Recently, I had a sudden urge to find two particular photographs my grandfather had taken of me as an infant. Whenever we were together, he would take pictures of me and then file them away in an album. Being a photographer with his own developer and dark room, he’d make multiple copies in various sizes and then send copies to my mother and she would file them away in her own album. He also had done this for each of his grandchildren.  When he passed and my grandmother moved into a smaller residence, my aunt and her family had the laborious task of cleaning out my grandparents’ house. She sent me the album my grandfather had made of me. At one point, my mother began downsizing her own house so, I now have two of them and therefore lots of duplicate and triplicate photos.

It was interesting to see my life through his lens.

Neither picture that I was looking for was in either book. Yet, I know they exist. And I will find them if I’m meant to have them.

While I was searching through these books, and all the other photographs I have stored in a big box, I came across an envelope with some forgotten snapshots from the time we committed my first partner’s ashes to the sea. 

And in that particular envelope were pictures with the two friends who had recently passed on. Plus a third who had passed on years before. 

Hearing that they had passed was one thing. Now seeing them in these pictures with all of us together at that particular event was another and it hit me a bit harder.

Realizing these most recent two were close to my age at the times of their passing was also a bit of a shock.

It became a reminder of my own mortality. 

It was also a reminder that I’m at that age where this will become more common.

I remember first getting the alumni magazine from my college and reading about classmates who got married. Time went on and then I was reading about their children and subsequent grandchildren. Occasionally, there would be the tragic accident or rare passing due to disease taking someone way too young. Now, it seems it may be the obituaries I’ll scan. Or not. It feels morbid even if it’s part of life. Who’s still here and who isn’t?

And regardless, time and life will march on seemingly oblivious to us all.

Or, maybe time and life are not as oblivious and this is a necessary phase of life.

As uncomfortable as it may be.

(Yes, I know I should digitally store the photos and one day I will get around to it, but there are probably thousands of pictures of all types to sort through and decide which ones are worth keeping.)

Nine Cups for June

The traditional
Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot

With all the Pentacle excitement the two previous months, the 10 for April and the King in May-all suggesting happiness, abundance, generosity, and possible income-the 9 of Cups for June was also suggesting a continuance of good feeling. Some traditional associations for the card are contentment, satisfaction and feeling fulfilled.

Traditional depictions of this card show a smiling nobleman sitting in front of a table laden with nine golden cups or chalices. Other depictions show a feast in addition to the cups. So, we can see the idea of contentment and satisfaction. Some other readers also believe this is the “wishes fulfilled” card as the gentleman seems very content in this scene and Cups is the suit of the heart, after all. 

New Palladini Tarot

While I can’t recall any particular wishes coming true as I didn’t wish for anything specific and there were a few difficult moments in June (there are always a couple, regardless of the month and card), overall it was a pretty peaceful month as far as I can remember. I really should journal a bit better for these recollection posts.

Yet, perhaps the idea here was to be content with what I have and not appear to be greedy. I mean, with the 10 and King of Pentacles back to back, it would be hard not to anticipate/wish/hope for more. Maybe my outlook for the month (and hereafter) should be "I have what I need, and need what I have." Gratitude is indeed a virtue and I am grateful for my many blessings.

Yet, the Wheel of Fortune keeps turning and all good things wind down. The next few cards, and therefore months, seem to suggest a slightly different turn. The 7 of Wands-defensive posturing, fending off challenges, maintaining one’s success-is the card for July.

Sounds intriguing, if not just a bit ominous, like the lull before the storm. 

Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot

And with the first few days of the month under way, it's going to be a doozy of a month...

Triggers

A recent conversation triggered some deep-seated emotions I thought I had overcome. 

Well, surprise!

They showed up again.

So, now I’m trying a new approach to some of these older, oft-recurring, emotions. 

Gentle confrontation.

I believe we get triggered for a reason. 

Apparently I had just buried these feelings rather than dealing with and releasing them completely in spite of the countless hours and dollars I've spent in therapy. And still am. 

Yet, I’m glad they came up. 

Growing up in a broken and dysfunctional family while moving frequently, I developed abandonment issues. They were so deep that before coming out, I swore I’d never get divorced. I would stay married for the sake of any children. This attitude was also influenced by my being a practicing Christian; Christians don't get divorced. Or, so I was indoctrinated. To be perfectly honest, I'm surprised I even wanted to pursue a relationship, let alone have a family. Even after coming out and dealing with my Christianity, I was determined to stay with my future partner till death parted us.

When my first serious relationship with a man stopped working, I still couldn’t leave him and even when he was diagnosed with HIV and told me he wanted me to go live my life, I still couldn’t. (There were other underlying issues for me there, as well.) In my second relationship, I saw some red flags early on and thought we could work on them. We didn’t. We eventually were legally married. Years later, when I fell into a deep depression, I didn’t suspect the relationship was the cause, but rather, my stagnant life. It wasn’t until after everything was finalized that I realized the relationship itself had been a big factor in my depression. Still, he was the one who left.

 

After that point in my life I believed I had come to accept that when people left me, it had more to do with them, than with me. I still believe that.

Yet, even so, I was triggered the other day.

The old childhood feelings came back and I projected them onto others. 

I'd recalled leaving messages for people who took years to return them, if they did return them at all. And the hurt came flooding back.

A close social media friend suddenly disappeared without a trace. I sent an email and received a two word reply. Subsequent emails went unanswered. Ok, so he wants to be left alone, he’s dealing with some issues. Got it. But it still hurt. 

Another friend got a bit busier than he recently had been and wasn’t replying to messages as quickly as before. With all this happening so suspiciously after the conversation, I stopped to ask, “Why? What am I supposed to learn here?” After all, I believe things happen for a reason, if only to move us in a newer and better direction or to learn a lesson. Or both.

The first lesson I felt I needed to learn was that everything isn’t what it seems. While I still haven’t heard from the one who disappeared, the busier friend is just that. Busier than usual.

The second lesson I learned was that I still need to work on overcoming these abandonment issues.

The third lesson is to stop reacting to everything. If everything isn't what it seems, does it merit a reaction? Maybe yes, maybe no. Reacting can lead to overthinking which can lead to overreacting which can lead to over-overthinking and, voilà, a vicious cycle has been born.

And that’s where gentle confrontation comes in. 

I sit with the emotion. I allow it to be present. I don’t allow it to overtake me. Okay, I try not to let it overtake me. I ask it, “What triggered you? Why are you here?" The reply, which of course is coming from deep within, tells me what I need to work on in order to calm the subsequent anxiety connecting itself to the initial reaction.

I know, easier said than done. 

But, hey, I’m trying.