Thursday, December 22, 2016


It seems lately I've been living in a perpetual Mercury retrograde. Everything I say to people is either misunderstood, falls on deaf ears or just plain wrong.

And it's getting effing annoying.

And because of this seemingly perpetual retrograde, I am beginning to feel so misunderstood, unheard, and disregarded.

I am walking a difficult part of my path right now; so much is going on in my head and heart it is affecting my body and spirit.
Some might call it a transition, or a mid-life crisis.

I call it an awakening to my true authentic self.

I speak my truth-I am not looking for nor wanting a partner right now. I get bombarded with "Of course you do, you need to be happy." Only I am responsible for my happiness.

I speak my truth-I don't feel I'm gay any more as I do not feel connected with the community. In reality, yes, I am still gay in that an attractive man will catch my eye, and that orientation is natural and cannot be changed, but it will take so much more for a man to catch more than just a glance from me. I've come to feel I'm an outsider. The one who doesn't fit in. I was having this conversation with a friend when a man walked by and I happened to glance at him, and my friend questioned me, "I thought you said you weren't gay." When I pointed out the woman I had watched walk by a moment earlier, that was dismissed. As a writer, I watch people to see if I can pick up any interesting character traits. And besides, people watching is just plain fun. But, I digress.
I don't throw shade to make myself feel superior, I don't hypersexualize men, I don't believe every comment has to be made into sexual innuendo. I mentioned to one gay man I had been chatting with that some workmen had been at my house and he commented, "Must have been one big pornfest." Really? I posted on a social media platform that I had stopped by a new restaurant and was treated to a free lunch. A gay friend commented "Did you have to put out for it?" Seriously? Must everything in the gay male community revolve around sex? I ask guys about it and I get the  response "It's just gay guy talk." To me, that is a lame excuse, like "locker room talk" among straight men. So, it will take a lot for me to venture back into a community I no longer feel I belong to, or at least connect with.

I offer my opinion on friends' social media pages only to be shot down because I differed from their opinion or did not follow the required format for responding. I can accept that people can have differences of opinions, but what happened to respect?

I understand my life is changing; therefore, so am I. I am overwhelmed with the changes-spiritual, physical, emotional and mental-that are enveloping me. I am also adjusting both mentally and physically to aging and the body changes that accompany that process. I am of an age where retirement is not that far off, which is something else to take into consideration. As I contemplate what may lie in front of me, and I learn to trust that whatever will happen will turn out okay in the long run, it is the short run that leaves me in a whirlwind of confusion.
So, as all these pieces fall into place, perhaps I am overly sensitive right now.

Yet, I still need to feel I am truly being heard.

I still need to feel I am being taken seriously.

I still need to feel validated in where I am on my journey.

Perhaps I am the only one who can do all of that.

No comments:

Post a Comment