Monday, April 2, 2012
I don't know how many of those mass e-mailings I've received over the years about "If I had known it was the last time I'd see you I would have said 'I love you'."
I'm sure we all have things left unsaid, particularly to our friends and loved ones who have passed on. I know I do.
But, I'm going to talk about those things we leave unsaid to those who are still among us; perhaps a parent, a child, a sibling, a friend, an ex, the one whose heart you broke or the one who broke yours.
I can think of something I want to say to someone in almost every category above. As I have no biological offspring, I will substitute 'student' for 'child', as I consider my cat and dog my 'kids' and I'm not convinced they would understand the concept. As long as I feed them, love them, play with them and clean up after them I know they are happy. Also, since this is a public blog, I have no intention of airing my really dirty laundry here. (I know you were hoping for some really good dirt. Sorry.) Okay, so maybe I'll air just the slightly soiled load.
As I sit and contemplate what I want to say to whom, and if I want to actually say it, I have to ask myself a few questions; Why? What good would it do? Would it settle things or stir them up?
But, the ultimate question is; Would it be good for me in the long run?
And if it is, I should say it, right? But if it does me no good, or I suspect it wouldn't, why waste my time and energy, right?
To my mom; It's not your fault I am gay. If you are holding on to that, please let it go. I love you.
To my father; I wish we'd had more time together, but this is where we are now. Let's move forward.
To my brother; I'm glad we made amends, let's continue on this path. I love you.
To my students; I hope I have prepared you well enough for your life, both academically and otherwise.
To my students who later came out; I wish I'd had the courage to come out to your class to be a positive role model for you. I just hope you are happy and healthy, both physically and emotionally.
To my friends; thank you for being there. I love you.
To my first partner; I know I promised you I wouldn't let you die in the hospital, but you started failing so rapidly, there was no time to make it home. I am sorry.
To my ex; I am truly happy you have moved on and found someone, I can only hope you will learn to listen to him better than I feel you listened to me.
To anyone whose heart I broke; I am sorry.
To the men who broke my heart; I am very grateful for having known you for however long we knew each other, as you have left an indelible impression on my heart and soul. Thank you.
As for the photograph, I'm not telling.