Decisions, Decisions

Cafe, West Hollywood, CA

We are faced with decisions every day. Some are somewhat inane (what to eat) to the more serious (whether to end a relationship). But all are personal and all have consequences.

Every Sunday, I make either waffles or pancakes, and I make a full batch. After I've eaten my share, I prepare the rest of the batch and freeze them for the work week. I've experienced with different varieties from sweet potato to double chocolate chip banana. (I need to work on the lemon blueberry ones.) What or where to eat for a meal is a personal decision; after all I live alone and can eat what I want when I want if I want.  The only consequences here are weight gain.

I have to give my ex credit for having the courage to end our marriage. It was floundering and had been for a while. He recognized it, maybe not for what it was, but he knew something was wrong. I suspected it was me, after all I was fighting depression. And losing. Little did I suspect he was the cause, not my stagnant career as I thought. I had been teaching twenty-seven years at the same school when he announced he wanted out. I am a man who likes challenge. My career was no longer challenging enough, and I was tired of the commute. Or so I thought. I was just unhappy at home and unwilling to accept it.

I have had to make some difficult decisions and face the subsequent consequences as a result of now living on my own. I am not going to revisit my financial picture yet again. Nor the whole dating/fear of intimacy thing. Even I am tired of singing that song here.

For every decision, however painful, I had to reach deep inside and do it for one person and one person only; me. Does that make me selfish? No. While the Universe will provide me with the tools and data I need to make the decision, ultimately I am responsible to me and must accept my Karma for my choices. That has been a powerful lesson for me to learn so late in life. I never have truly put myself first. I stayed in relationships longer than I should for fear of hurting the other person, or because of what others would think of me if I left. Or what I might think of myself. I only ended up hurting myself in the long run.

In the coming months I will be facing some difficult decisions. And I am comfortable knowing that I will make the best decision for me at the time I make it. Some of the decisions are irreversible once made, but none that I foresee are permanent, just long-term. Some will take me into new territory along a new path in my life, and therefore are more frightening, yet intriguing. Others will take me deeper into myself and as a result bring me further out into the light of recovery. I am fully prepared to face the perceived consequences, and face the challenges that arise from the unforeseen ones.

I will prevail. I am a phoenix.