Sunday, March 13, 2011

Return to Theme

I return to my theme of lines this week, because this week I returned to my own bad habit. Maybe it's not a habit per se but I returned to it anyway.

I went on a date as I described last week, and as much as I tried to tell myself it wasn't a date-date, it was a date; after all, I dressed for it. He knew my story, recently divorced, scared of talking to another man, and he became quite helpful while chatting, giving me suggestions, based on his own experience in the same predicament. I thought that was very considerate of him helping a total stranger. Give him brownie points.

Yet, I returned to my old pre-relationships habit of romanticizing the situation. I knew I wasn't ready to date, let alone think of anything serious with another man, yet after meeting only one man post-divorce, I was at it again. I was so bad in my early dating years that, upon leaving the house, I would drive around the block, pull back into the driveway, and run into the house to see if he called in those few seconds. He never did. You would think, I would have learned back then, after all wisdom increases with age, right. Right, but emotional wisdom sometimes doesn't.

So, here I was, just waiting for a text, a message, something, and he did, but maybe not to the frequency I wanted, and getting frustrated when he didn't. After all, I am only looking for friends, I was clear, so why am I so bothered by it all? Maybe it's because once I came out all I wanted was to have a boyfriend.

I know I have pieces of myself to put back together before I can move on. I know I have a habit to break. I know I have to have a relationship, I'm that kind of man.

But the first relationship I have to have is with myself.

1 comment:

  1. "But the first relationship I have to have is with myself."

    -- And now you've said it all.