Mistakes, I've made a few

We've all made mistakes. I'm making some now. I find myself projecting forward into my new life, especially when someone catches my eye. And I catch his. I guess it's common, or even natural, to hope for the best when encountering someone interesting to you. But what I must learn to do is slow down, and follow the AA motto "One Day at a Time."

I have done something out of the ordinary for me. I have entered into online chatting. On my profile, I have clearly stated I am looking for friends, yet still I find myself hopeful that each new chat I enter into will be someone with whom I have an opportunity to meet, and maybe carry it further and hopefully, even further. I am finding myself to be long-term-relationship oriented, and not hookup-oriented.

I have a tentative 'meeting' set up with a very handsome man, at least according to his profile picture. We had been chatting on and off for a few weeks, (I initiated the first chat session) and eventually I asked if he would be interested in meeting. He said yes, and I then asked if we could postpone the actual meeting until after parent conferences in two weeks as I need to prepare myself and then regain my sanity. My mistake is that I'm not sure this is the right thing for me at this time. I find myself analyzing and preparing myself for those eventual questions; what am I looking for? and do I want to go to his place or mine? Geography will play a part in this, as he lives over 40 miles away, and that leads to economics (gas prices) and I am only earning a teacher's salary and paying a mortgage ALONE. Was asking him to meet a mistake? Only time will tell.

Why this picture with this blog? The picture was a mistake. Yet, it is somewhat interesting. In the regular theme of life we make mistakes, yet life goes on. Mistakes happen, they exist but they become our greatest teachers. Next time I see a large, interesting shape I will take the time to change to a wide angle lens to broaden the frame. Live and learn.

Return to Theme

I return to my theme of lines this week, because this week I returned to my own bad habit. Maybe it's not a habit per se but I returned to it anyway.

I went on a date as I described last week, and as much as I tried to tell myself it wasn't a date-date, it was a date; after all, I dressed for it. He knew my story, recently divorced, scared of talking to another man, and he became quite helpful while chatting, giving me suggestions, based on his own experience in the same predicament. I thought that was very considerate of him helping a total stranger. Give him brownie points.

Yet, I returned to my old pre-relationships habit of romanticizing the situation. I knew I wasn't ready to date, let alone think of anything serious with another man, yet after meeting only one man post-divorce, I was at it again. I was so bad in my early dating years that, upon leaving the house, I would drive around the block, pull back into the driveway, and run into the house to see if he called in those few seconds. He never did. You would think, I would have learned back then, after all wisdom increases with age, right. Right, but emotional wisdom sometimes doesn't.

So, here I was, just waiting for a text, a message, something, and he did, but maybe not to the frequency I wanted, and getting frustrated when he didn't. After all, I am only looking for friends, I was clear, so why am I so bothered by it all? Maybe it's because once I came out all I wanted was to have a boyfriend.

I know I have pieces of myself to put back together before I can move on. I know I have a habit to break. I know I have to have a relationship, I'm that kind of man.

But the first relationship I have to have is with myself.

Changes

This has always been one of my favorite shots. When I took it, I didn't see that drop of water on the bottom until I looked at it in my camera. I thought I was just capturing a red berry as a memento of my trip, and yet that drop, to me, makes the shot.

I am breaking with my theme of "Lines" and black-and-whites to submit this photograph to Project 52. I took it while on vacation in Alaska in June, 2008. I was walking through a temperate rainforest on my way to a Native American Totem Park outside of Ketchikan. As we walked through the forest surrounded by the beautiful greenery, this little red berry stood out. The guide explained that these 'salmonberries' are what bears will eat to help restart their digestive systems after hibernating all winter. This was still early in the summer, so few berries were available, and this one had not yet reached it's true reddish color. The name 'salmonberry' comes from it's resemblance to salmon eggs.

Just yesterday, I had an epiphany. You see, I gave myself permission to talk to another gay man. That may not be a big deal to some, but to me it is. My husband of 15 years who, ironically, treated me to the Alaskan cruise for my 50th birthday, suddenly told me he wanted out of our marriage. I had been coping with the divorce; the legal, the financial, and the tangible elements of the separation, but wasn't sure how to deal with my recovery and growth from here. When would I know I was ready to move on? The simple act of talking to another single gay man, then going to coffee with him, and that it felt damn good told me I was awakening to my singleness and my gaiety. Like a bear coming out of hibernation, I was ready to mingle. Ok, maybe not too ready, but open to possibilities.

And as another ironic connection to this berry, I have always been attracted to bearish men. Now, off to find me a grizzly.

Long Beach

I was attracted to this shot for the contrast in the smooth lines in front, the seeming craziness of the lines in the middle and the ordered lines in the building behind.

Conversation with a Student

I had an interesting conversation with a student yesterday. He sometimes hangs out in the classroom after school to talk, and he did so yesterday. He asked if he could ask a question. I could tell it was probably going to be a personal question he wanted to ask.

I must interject here. I have come out to some of these students as I taught them last year in 5th grade and now they are 6th graders. And this one in particular was there last year when I came out and we looped together to 6th. And he has asked other questions before; such as, when another student last year (before I came out) asked if I was married. I was at that time, so I said yes. Then after I came out, this first student wanted to know if I was married to a male or a female. I said, "Put two and two together." The light bulb went off and he said, "Oh." And he has shared personal information with me, like who he has a crush on this month.

So, yesterday he wanted to know if I had had a girlfriend before I knew I was gay. I said I had had two, one in middle/high school and one in college. He paused and then wanted to ask another question; he had heard a rumor I was going through a divorce. I said yes, and then he wanted to know how my dogs were coping with everything we're going through. They've adjusted, I said.

Is he questioning himself? I don't know. Is he just trying to make sense of whether gays and lesbians are, in fact, any different from straights? How we make sense of our lives and loves? Perhaps. The fact that he is comfortable asking questions is a good sign. It also shows how his mother raised him. We are all people, regardless of our differences. I just hope when he leaves our school, (we aren't growing a seventh grade as we really don't have the room) he finds someone else to talk to, or comes to find me.

I loved this shot for a number of reasons; the lines, the textures, the shadows and it has been used in a number of television shows and movies...the staircases, not my shot! lol

Juxtaposition

I liked this angle for the contrast of the haphazardness of the lines on the left and the orderliness of the lines on the right. (Taken in Downtown LA in the LAPD Police Memorial Garden.)