Resolutions and Reflections

As I sit here in the early morning hours of December 31, at 4:30 a.m. to be exact, wondering why, once again, I cannot sleep as I've been awake since 2:30ish, I find myself looking back on this year.

And in contemplation of the next one.

Which brings up the traditional idea of New Year's Resolutions.

Surprise! I don't make any.

I stopped making them when I realized I never kept them. Not keeping them eroded my self-esteem, because I berated myself for failing. So, one year I resolved never to make any again. Does that mean I don't seek to improve myself in the coming year? No. I will make an effort to continue to improve myself, to walk down a healthier path, be it better eating, better attempts at exercise, etc. All I attempt to do is to be better. Which I think is easier than resolving to eliminate a bad habit.

2018 was the first full calendar year since my retirement. It's been interesting. I wanted to read more, I didn't. I wanted to write more, I sort of did. I wanted to exercise more, I didn't. I wanted to decompress from thirty-four-and-a-half years of teaching, I think I'm there. And maybe that was what I needed 2018 to be.

But, now it might be time to find a direction, something to do, to occupy my time, as well as my mind, as well as add to my wallet.

I am also reflecting back on 2018 as it has been an interesting year, both personally and politically. I'm not here to discuss the latter only the former.

This was the year I contemplated a roommate and had one actually which turned into a disaster. But, that was more based on the individual than the situation. No, not all roommates would be that difficult. But, I learned how challenging it would be to live with someone after eight years alone.

This was the year I began purging my house of anything I no longer needed, used or had seen within a year. So, I'm learning to downsize. 

This was the year I discovered the Tarot. I've discovered my readings are somewhat accurate which has been something new to wrap my head around. I'm trying not to be overly-analytical and wonder why they are so accurate, but simply accepting that they are. Letting go of this analytical stuff is hard for an Aquarian with a heavy dose of Libra in his astrological chart. Both signs are a bit guilty of overthinking and having the double dose is like being stuck in a mental maze with only a narrow escape route. So, I am learning I can stop overthinking.

This was the year I opened up to my intuition. Where this path will take me, who knows? I'll just be open to what it may bring. What else can I do? Maybe the cards will say. So, I am learning to trust myself.

This was the year I found more of my spiritual tribe. I've found people who understand where I am coming from and can sympathize, or even empathize, with me. These are people who encourage me along this path as they are walking some part of it, too. So, I am learning to socialize.

This was the year I reconnected with someone who has and will continue to play an important part in my life, but to what end, I can only speculate. I will confess, I've looked into the cards regarding this relationship, and they indicate it's promising, but that time will be a factor. Meaning, this will need some time to fully bloom due to where both of us are coming from. So, I am learning to trust someone else and open my heart, bit by bit.

As I look into the beginnings of 2019, which numerologically, is a Universal Year of 3. (To find the Universal Year, we add the digits to one single digit; 2+0+1+9=12, 1+2=3.) Three is the number of the trinity, of creation and therefore creativity. With creativity comes communication, as artists use their creativity to communicate their truths. This is a year for all of us to communicate our truth, once we find it.

As I look into a new year where I resolve to not make resolutions, I recall this t-shirt I bought a while ago. I think this sums up what I want to practice in 2019 and beyond:

Oh, yes, and I want to read more, write more and photograph more. 

The Five of Wands

I find myself living the 5 of Wands at the moment. While I am still living the Chariot moment I’ve described before, and I’m rebuilding from the crashing Tower moments, I am now embroiled in a 5 of Wands dilemma.

As we look at the card we see five young men all swinging large wooden staffs or clubs. This seems to be an unstructured battle, no direction from any leader. This has become a free-for-all. Five men all wildly swinging these large wands hitting each other. It’s no wonder this card has come to suggest chaos, confusion, struggle and/or conflict particularly over a course of action, as the suit of Wands represents our passions in life, our courses of action, our joie-de-vivre. 

I’ve recently had some homeowner issues. I found a trail of water coming from my water heater. So, after a quick but subdued panic, I searched for plumbers on Yelp, and requested a quote. Within 10 minutes I had a response to my request but the plumber would not quote me anything over the phone, or internet, until he could come out to see what he was getting into. I thought this was a wise move for both of us. Why would he want to lock himself into a project that might cost him more than he initially quoted based on a photo and therefore lose money, or have to readjust his quote, and charge me more than what we agreed on and possibly lose a repeat customer? Undoubtedly, I will have other plumbing needs in the future.

Due to how long the water heater had been leaking, it had evidently weakened the platform the water heater was on, and seeped into the wall of my house so that simply replacing the water heater would be problematic due to the weakened platform and would prevent me from addressing the possible mold issue in the wall surrounding the heater. To make this long story short, I am now the proud owner of a tankless water heating system.

Now, I just need to find some money to pay it off.

Here’s where the 5 of Wands comes in.

I retired earlier than I could have. Had I waited another four years, I’d be in a much better and more stable financial position, but I might be in a less stable emotional state of being. Hmmm, money or sanity? For me, the choice was easy. And I always was open to the idea of having to supplement my pension. But that was then, this is now.

I’ve been retired now just over a year and a half. I’ve taken some time to decompress and get used to the idea of being retired. But now, I need to augment my pension. But, I am an introvert and somewhat empathic and therefore I avoid crowds. I’ve also learned to treasure my independence and solitude. Oh, and my freedom to come and go as I wish. Or to stay home. Or to read. Or to write. Or to play games on my iPad all day. Or to sleep. I think you get the picture. And yes, I do need to get out to learn to manage my empathic introversion. Or is it introverted empathicness? Whatever…

Yes, I could use some extra cash. I could play the lottery. In fact, I do. But, nothing much has come from it. Last week, I won $10.00. Whoopee.

How do I maintain my sense of independence and freedom while working?

I think you see the 5 of Wands in my life now; the conflict and confusion over my situation. What do I do? What action do I take?

Do I search for a job where I don’t deal with many people? Is there such a job? Do I trust that I will be provided for and what does that mean exactly? Does that mean I will find the right job? Or other source of income? Or some giant cosmic ATM? Okay, that last one was a stretch.

I need to invoke the Hanged Man here. He is about surrendering and letting go. 

But, what do I let go? I just don’t want to end up being a martyr for my own cause.

Maybe I should let all of it go, and let it be.

And let the Star guide me...

My Favorite version of the Star
From the Aquarian Tarot, by David Palladini