Two of Pentacles

I find it interesting that the more I study the Tarot, the more I find it relates to life. 

I think I’m having a Two of Pentacles kind of moment. Or string of them. Or maybe it’s a phase and I’ll grow out of it.

Or, at the very least, I’ll come to terms with it and just move on.

The Two of Pentacles shows a man juggling two pentacles in the pattern of a figure eight or the infinity sign. Traditionally, Pentacles has been the suit around abundance, prosperity, and material goods. But, the action shown in the Two of Pentacles has also come to suggest something is out of balance or maybe there are decisions to be made. The turbulent water in the background could also suggest unstable emotions. Perhaps I have some decisions to weigh…questions to consider...pros and cons to ponder...emotions to examine.

I feel I’ve been juggling a lot lately. Maybe even more than just two pentacles. 

I won’t deny the human desire for companionship/conversation is growing stronger. Perhaps it’s due to the Great Roommate Experiment, even if I’ve barely seen her in the last few weeks. But, we’ve had some awkward discussions that have led me to rethink whether or not I might want to consider another roommate. Maybe it’s just her personality and a different roommate would work out better. Or, perhaps I’ve been playing the Hermit far too long and am set in my solitary ways. So, roommate or solitude?

Yes, I will admit this has also triggered the idea of renting my extra bedroom out for additional income, even on a temporary basis via AirBnB as has been so often suggested by the roommate. (Evidently, I can dictate the duration and frequency of each rental and I can also remain in my home. Plus, I'd be paid upfront.) After all, I’m now on a fixed income and the extra money would come in handy. So, that is another set of pentacles I’m juggling. Do I rent it out or not, if even on a short-term infrequent basis?

Whether this desire for conversation also translates to mean I might possibly be somewhat open to something maybe more than just a roommate, I don’t know. So, there’s one more set of pentacles, relationship or bachelorhood? And this might be the heaviest set of pentacles I’m juggling, possibly due to the difficult path of finding someone.

I look at the values I’ve discovered or that I've uncovered in myself (weren’t they there all along?) and don’t see them in the gay community. Walking into many gay bars, clubs and other establishments in gay areas and there are baskets full of condoms, free for the taking, should the need arise. The apps are like dial-up-sex; find some hookup for the night without even leaving home and with minimalist conversation.

I like things to progress on a slower, more natural, organic pace. I don’t want to spend the first date deciding who’s the top and who’s the bottom, if there is no deeper connection to be found. Yet, from the conversations I’ve had with friends, that appears to be the norm. It’s all decided before dessert, if it even gets that far. Some guys even put it on their public dating profile for the whole world to see. That’s way too much for me to take in right from the beginning, if there’s nothing deeper. We all know that relationships based solely on sex don’t last.

A Facebook friend posted a meme about gay dating after 30. If I remember correctly, it went something like this, “Are we doing this? ‘Cause I got shit to do!” It’s like a rush to get answers "NOW, DAMN IT!” The games of "who-texted-who last”, “When is it too soon to text after the first date?” and “I can’t be the first to text, I don’t want to appear too eager!” are just beyond my comprehension.

Then, there’s ghosting, zombiing, benching, catfishing, kittenfishing, breadcrumbing and who knows what other mindfuck dating games are played out there. 

Oh, and the infamous gaslighting. Wasn’t there a movie about gaslighting? 

The times I was on the dating sites and apps a few years ago, the comments about men over 40 were disenfranchising, as well as disheartening, with many of these even coming from men over 40. To be honest, I haven’t been on a site or an app in a few years. But, I still don’t think much has changed in that time.

(And before anyone calls me on generalizing, I realize that I am. Yes, I am owning it. I am generalizing. There, I said it. Now, you don't have to.)

The more I get to know myself, the less I see myself out there; both literally (out there mingling meeting guys) or figuratively (out there as a reflection of who I am).

Recently, I shared this concern in a group setting; that once I came out of the closet, I didn’t see myself in the straight community, which makes sense. Now that I’m where I am in my journey, I don’t see myself reflected in the gay community. Someone commented in a kind way, “That’s because you are now coming out of the box. You have come out of the norm.” Hmmmm. Interesting thought, "I’m not normal."

This brings up an interesting paradox: I still mingle in the straight community, but not in the lgbtq community. Perhaps it’s because I don’t feel the need to explain/justify myself in the straight community where in the lgbtq community, I might have to because I don’t adhere to their cultural norms. I’m an outlier. To be perfectly honest, I shouldn’t have to explain/justify myself, and I need to be okay with that. I guess that’s where my work is.

Since then, I’ve investigated a few lgbtq social groups-some for men only, others were mixed. I’ve only gone on to find that each group is a microcosm of the bar scene, or the community at large. Some groups immediately want to know your relationship status prior to joining. Other groups arrange events around such statuses. I’ve written about this ad nauseam, so no need to rehash it all again.

As I’ve been on this path focusing more on settling my inner issues, healing my wounds, and discovering my spiritual side, I’ve begun to realize how important that side of me has become. It also brings to mind one particular Bible verse that was drummed into my head when I was more active in the church: 

    2 Corinthians 6:14 King James Version 14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

Yes, I would like to find someone of a similar path. While I believe it is possible to find a diamond in the rough in WeHo, upon closer investigation it’s more likely to be cubic zirconia. I may sound like a judgmental bitter old man, but I’m also speaking with some degree of somewhat recent experience. A few of the men I’ve met who claimed to be spiritual were more interested in the pleasures of the flesh than the pleasures of the mind-body-spirit connection. I guess we had a different view of spirituality.

So, how many pentacles is that? 

• Roommate or Not?
• Rent or Not?
• Relationship or Not?

Six? (The Six of Pentacles is about resources, knowledge and power, and interestingly there is a scale in the image, suggesting balance. Hmmmmm…)

I think it’s best to take all those pentacles, set them on the ground and let them be. I can't keep juggling forever.

Maybe the pentacles will just roll away and I’ll simply journey on and let come what may.

And then make a decision.