Guidance and Goodbye

Saying goodbye when a relationship comes to an end is never easy, and all relationships do come to an end one way or another. Things happen; changes occur, frequently due to age. Death is often an ending of a relationship. Therefore, goodbyes are an integral part of life.

I had to say goodbye this week. I knew it was coming one day, but didn’t expect it so soon.

This relationship was 12 years in the making. I had begun to realize the time would be coming when I felt the aging process beginning to take its toll and the dependability beginning to slip. It was an emotional moment when I realized what was happening and that I had to act. And sooner rather than later.

I had started the mental process to distance myself, but the emotional distancing was a bit harder. This makes sense because we can rationalize why we should end relationships yet still fail to act on them, sometimes. Yet, this ending came upon me so unexpectedly that I wasn’t quite sure what was happening. But, it is over and done, and I’m moving forward. As best I can.

I sold my car last week. Well, actually just four days ago.

My car was a 2006 GMC Envoy with nearly 160,000 miles. Eleven years of a 70 mile a day commute add up to some great memories, as well as a physical toll. Everything was working well, considering, up until a couple of weeks before. There were small cosmetic things I could live with. Yet, when the transmission began slipping I knew I had to begin the process. But, could I afford a new car on a new retiree’s pension? And what could I afford? I took the car into the mechanic to investigate exactly what was wrong with the transmission and the verdict came back. It was indeed showing wear. The service rep said it would be about $3,000 to rebuild the transmission. And a couple of other potentially expensive repairs were beginning show their face also. Well, that’s also a down payment for a new car. My roommate suggested finding a cheaper mechanic. But, that would only postpone the inevitable, I countered. But better to be fully prepared, she replied. Valid points all, I thought. 

So, I began my search for something. Now I will say, I am a loyal shopper. I’ve had good luck with my last two vehicles from General Motors. There are certain features I wanted to have in my car, some of which are only available on certain GM models. That limits my shopping choices. I also wanted to be more fuel efficient, and I knew the hybrids were all out of my price range.

I decided on what I wanted to see. I headed to the dealer not intending to buy, but to test drive a couple of models. The young salesman was very attentive, listened to my concerns, my history, my questions. If he didn’t have the answer, he told me so, then he got it. Immediately. An honest car salesman! There were a couple of things that caught my attention about him. He started to get the key for a test drive, but quickly returned for my drivers’ license, a sheepish grin on his face. Hmmmm, a newbie? Well, he was quite young, after all. We all start somewhere.

We headed out on the test drive and I was really feeling the car. It handled well for a smaller version of what I was maybe trading in. The salesman turned to me and confessed, “I’m a bit new at this.”

“I sensed that,” I said. “And I appreciate your honesty. It doesn’t matter to me that you’re new, as long as you continue your honesty.” It turned out he had been there only two weeks!

At that precise moment, I glanced at the license plate on the car to my left, 222. Immediately in front of it was 333. Seriously? Even on a test drive the synchronicities show up! Twos indicate to keep the faith and threes are a reminder that the universe is on my side. I guess this was a sign, or a pair of them, to go forward with the car. I pointed these plates out to the salesman whose jaw hit the floor. “That can’t be a coincidence,” he says.

“Ya think,” I think in my head. “I don’t think it was,” I said, “Oh, look.” I said pointing at a third plate in a matter of seconds, “777.”

We return to the dealership and I’m now seriously considering buying the car. But, I had seen one particular model in the dealership’s online inventory I wanted to check out. I had also wanted to test drive another larger car, for comparison’s sake. I did and wasn’t impressed. Plus, it would have been way out of my budget. After this second test drive, I inquired on the actual vehicle I wanted to check out. I gave the salesman the stock number and we find out it happened to have been parked next to the one we originally test drove. Um, another sign?

We went in to run some numbers to see what I could afford and what I might get for my trade in, still nothing was set in stone.

As we were sitting in the cubicle running the numbers, a strange feeling of “just trust that it will all work out” came over me. And I am not one to ignore signs, though sometimes that ego gets in the way. But, this time I felt I needed to follow my instinct.

We finished the sales papers and I was waiting for the finance department to be ready. Once there, the salesman came in to check on the progress, and to let me know that they were ready to deliver my new car to me, as it had been washed, cleaned and brought to the front. The finance rep then congratulated the salesman on his very first sale! What a day for both of us! I get a new car, and he gets his first sale!

As we were going over the features of the car, I got out my phone to pair it to the bluetooth of the car. The time was 4:44!

I showed the salesman, he shook his head in disbelief. My fourth set of triple numbers in a matter of hours!

I guess it was all meant to be.

For both of us.

2018 Chevrolet Trax

Introversion

I recently posted on Facebook about having a typical introvert day. A few friends ‘liked’ my post with two even giving me a sad face reaction. Knowing them, I’m sure it was more because they felt bad I had a bad experience rather than being sad because I’m an introvert. In reality, the day was just exhausting, neither good nor bad, just exhausting.

Here is my post:

• You know you’re becoming more and more introverted when socializing with people you choose to socialize with in an activity you choose to participate in is still so damn exhausting all you want to do is get home and sleep for days. #introvertproblems

One of the above friends very lovingly expressed his concern that I might be going through depression. I assured him I wasn’t, thanked him for his concern and then began wondering what exactly is the difference?

According to multiple sources, the difference is huge. As in Grand Canyon huge. Introversion is considered more of a trait, a part of one’s personality; while depression is a condition that can be treated, often with medication and/or therapy. Few people consult therapists to overcome their introversion; but introversion is often discovered while in therapy for other reasons.

Depression worries about the past while it’s twin, anxiety, worries about the future. But, introversion is about the now, sort of. But not in a worry kind of way. Depression can weigh on you, while introversion is part of you.

However, severe cases of introversion can lead to depression.

As I look back at my post, I see another key difference. Twice. The word, ‘choose’. I chose to socialize with that group of people. I chose to participate in that  activity. I made the choice full well knowing it might have this effect on me. Many people suffering from severe depression don’t make that choice; they might choose to avoid social situations altogether. An introvert usually does want to step out more, while someone with depression usually doesn’t. And when we do step out, it drains our energy so much, we need time to ourselves to recharge.

Disclaimer: not all people with introversion, depression, or anxiety react the same way. I am writing with large generalizations in mind. I know many introverts who prefer texting over phone calls to avoid the chit-chat. I am the opposite. With my good friends, I want to hear their voice; I want to hear the nuances of the tone in their voice not have to judge it in a text, often incorrectly. I want to know they will make and take the time to spend with me, instead of relegating a reply to a text when they can make time for it, often hours or days later. I’ve written so much about texting vs. calling, so I won’t go there again.

As I sit here drafting this post, I am aware that I have two back-to-back social events beginning this afternoon into the evening. The mere thought of them is already exhausting me.

And then to come home to a roommate, who can be somewhat needy, is enough to push me over the edge, already, and it’s still morning as I write this.

My therapist struggled with a diagnosis for me. This was shortly after my divorce, and yes, I was depressed. But, I went about my regular routine. I got up, got myself ready for work, did what was required of me, then carried out the rest of my day. I did it all again, the next day. And the next. So, I was functioning. Many people with heavier forms of depression often struggle just to get out of bed. They can struggle in their daily life. They may turn to substances. In the end, she decided on an adjustment disorder as I was having difficulty adjusting to this new stage in my life, but was managing to carry on, as best I could. But, we also did discover I have some mild form of social anxiety particularly as it relates to the gay community.

There is no cure for introversion. We simply learn to live with it. 

So, please never tell an introvert, to “Get over it!”

We can’t. Nor, do we have to.

P.S. I did make it through both social events but was exhausted by the end of the evening, only to come home to the roommate and all her drama. Oy, what a post that would be.

Two of Pentacles

I find it interesting that the more I study the Tarot, the more I find it relates to life. 

I think I’m having a Two of Pentacles kind of moment. Or string of them. Or maybe it’s a phase and I’ll grow out of it.

Or, at the very least, I’ll come to terms with it and just move on.

The Two of Pentacles shows a man juggling two pentacles in the pattern of a figure eight or the infinity sign. Traditionally, Pentacles has been the suit around abundance, prosperity, and material goods. But, the action shown in the Two of Pentacles has also come to suggest something is out of balance or maybe there are decisions to be made. The turbulent water in the background could also suggest unstable emotions. Perhaps I have some decisions to weigh…questions to consider...pros and cons to ponder...emotions to examine.

I feel I’ve been juggling a lot lately. Maybe even more than just two pentacles. 

I won’t deny the human desire for companionship/conversation is growing stronger. Perhaps it’s due to the Great Roommate Experiment, even if I’ve barely seen her in the last few weeks. But, we’ve had some awkward discussions that have led me to rethink whether or not I might want to consider another roommate. Maybe it’s just her personality and a different roommate would work out better. Or, perhaps I’ve been playing the Hermit far too long and am set in my solitary ways. So, roommate or solitude?

Yes, I will admit this has also triggered the idea of renting my extra bedroom out for additional income, even on a temporary basis via AirBnB as has been so often suggested by the roommate. (Evidently, I can dictate the duration and frequency of each rental and I can also remain in my home. Plus, I'd be paid upfront.) After all, I’m now on a fixed income and the extra money would come in handy. So, that is another set of pentacles I’m juggling. Do I rent it out or not, if even on a short-term infrequent basis?

Whether this desire for conversation also translates to mean I might possibly be somewhat open to something maybe more than just a roommate, I don’t know. So, there’s one more set of pentacles, relationship or bachelorhood? And this might be the heaviest set of pentacles I’m juggling, possibly due to the difficult path of finding someone.

I look at the values I’ve discovered or that I've uncovered in myself (weren’t they there all along?) and don’t see them in the gay community. Walking into many gay bars, clubs and other establishments in gay areas and there are baskets full of condoms, free for the taking, should the need arise. The apps are like dial-up-sex; find some hookup for the night without even leaving home and with minimalist conversation.

I like things to progress on a slower, more natural, organic pace. I don’t want to spend the first date deciding who’s the top and who’s the bottom, if there is no deeper connection to be found. Yet, from the conversations I’ve had with friends, that appears to be the norm. It’s all decided before dessert, if it even gets that far. Some guys even put it on their public dating profile for the whole world to see. That’s way too much for me to take in right from the beginning, if there’s nothing deeper. We all know that relationships based solely on sex don’t last.

A Facebook friend posted a meme about gay dating after 30. If I remember correctly, it went something like this, “Are we doing this? ‘Cause I got shit to do!” It’s like a rush to get answers "NOW, DAMN IT!” The games of "who-texted-who last”, “When is it too soon to text after the first date?” and “I can’t be the first to text, I don’t want to appear too eager!” are just beyond my comprehension.

Then, there’s ghosting, zombiing, benching, catfishing, kittenfishing, breadcrumbing and who knows what other mindfuck dating games are played out there. 

Oh, and the infamous gaslighting. Wasn’t there a movie about gaslighting? 

The times I was on the dating sites and apps a few years ago, the comments about men over 40 were disenfranchising, as well as disheartening, with many of these even coming from men over 40. To be honest, I haven’t been on a site or an app in a few years. But, I still don’t think much has changed in that time.

(And before anyone calls me on generalizing, I realize that I am. Yes, I am owning it. I am generalizing. There, I said it. Now, you don't have to.)

The more I get to know myself, the less I see myself out there; both literally (out there mingling meeting guys) or figuratively (out there as a reflection of who I am).

Recently, I shared this concern in a group setting; that once I came out of the closet, I didn’t see myself in the straight community, which makes sense. Now that I’m where I am in my journey, I don’t see myself reflected in the gay community. Someone commented in a kind way, “That’s because you are now coming out of the box. You have come out of the norm.” Hmmmm. Interesting thought, "I’m not normal."

This brings up an interesting paradox: I still mingle in the straight community, but not in the lgbtq community. Perhaps it’s because I don’t feel the need to explain/justify myself in the straight community where in the lgbtq community, I might have to because I don’t adhere to their cultural norms. I’m an outlier. To be perfectly honest, I shouldn’t have to explain/justify myself, and I need to be okay with that. I guess that’s where my work is.

Since then, I’ve investigated a few lgbtq social groups-some for men only, others were mixed. I’ve only gone on to find that each group is a microcosm of the bar scene, or the community at large. Some groups immediately want to know your relationship status prior to joining. Other groups arrange events around such statuses. I’ve written about this ad nauseam, so no need to rehash it all again.

As I’ve been on this path focusing more on settling my inner issues, healing my wounds, and discovering my spiritual side, I’ve begun to realize how important that side of me has become. It also brings to mind one particular Bible verse that was drummed into my head when I was more active in the church: 

    2 Corinthians 6:14 King James Version 14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

Yes, I would like to find someone of a similar path. While I believe it is possible to find a diamond in the rough in WeHo, upon closer investigation it’s more likely to be cubic zirconia. I may sound like a judgmental bitter old man, but I’m also speaking with some degree of somewhat recent experience. A few of the men I’ve met who claimed to be spiritual were more interested in the pleasures of the flesh than the pleasures of the mind-body-spirit connection. I guess we had a different view of spirituality.

So, how many pentacles is that? 

• Roommate or Not?
• Rent or Not?
• Relationship or Not?

Six? (The Six of Pentacles is about resources, knowledge and power, and interestingly there is a scale in the image, suggesting balance. Hmmmmm…)

I think it’s best to take all those pentacles, set them on the ground and let them be. I can't keep juggling forever.

Maybe the pentacles will just roll away and I’ll simply journey on and let come what may.

And then make a decision.