Social Media

Why are we so mean to each other, especially on social media? Is it so difficult to show a bit of gratitude even for something you didn't want, need or even ask for? Wasn't the effort someone showed to try and help simply enough even if it wasn't right? Is bullying so pervasive in our culture we can’t allow anyone to express themselves without tearing them down for their different views? Have we totally lost the ability to engage in a polite disagreement?

For the sake of my point, I will not address the current political situation in the US as it is quite an explosive issue.

I have seen posts on Facebook or tweets on Twitter where someone has shared a concern, a problem or a health issue. People have very kindly posted suggestions based on their experiences. The original poster sometimes responded derisively with the attitude of "I've already tried that!" with no sense of gratitude for someone at least offering to help. How can the commenter know what you've already tried if they are a friend just on social media? And if you didn't want anyone to comment, why post?

A woman recently posted in a spiritual group that I belong to on Facebook that she has been experiencing a string of bad luck and tragic events for many, many years. "How can I break this bad luck?" she posted. I offered my beliefs that the Universe never gives us more than we can handle and we are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and without the mud, we'd never see the lotus. "Yeah, I've read all that. What more must I do?" Several others offered their suggestions based on their experiences, which were all shot down and not once was there any sense of gratitude for those trying to help her.

And this bullying seems even more concentrated in the gay male community, which is sad because, with all we've been through, one would think-and hope-we'd be there more for each other, rather than less.

With the rise of the charges of sexual harassment and assault flying out of Hollywood, Washington, and other locations, I’ve read a few articles mentioning the same charges about the happenings in gay bars and clubs.

Marc Ambinder writes in an article dated October 16, 2017 (link below) that groping and other unwanted advances are quite commonplace in gay bars and clubs and he suggests that consent is almost implied the moment you enter the establishment, and even more so as the night wears on and more alcohol has been consumed. After all, men are there for sex, many are dancing shirtless and sweaty, and may be under the influence of not only alcohol but who knows what else. And that this type of behavior is responsible for men like Harvey Weinstein.

Lane Hudson replies in an article dated October 18, 2017 (link below) that comparing the Hollywood scandals to an average night in a gay bar is totally off base. He states that men like Harvey Weinstein are sexual predators, using their influence and position to prey upon others, while gay men in a bar are simply horny and wanting sex. Hudson wonders what bars Ambinder has visited because Hudson hasn’t seen the extremes Ambinder describes. Hudson also states that only the sloppiest of drunks would approach someone and make an inappropriate advance.

I beg to differ. I was assaulted, not at a bar, but in a gay square dance class and as alcohol is not permitted during classes or dances, I can probably assume the perp was sober. During one set the caller called a 'pass through’-a call where the designated dancers pass right shoulders with the person facing them essentially trading places. As I passed through with the man facing me, he reached down and grabbed my crotch. I was shocked, stunned, angered. I didn’t know how to react. I finished the set and went home. I never told anyone, not even my now ex-husband, until I shared this with a therapist several years later. 

But I digress from my original point. As I read the comments on the Hudson article, which I originally found on Facebook, they were quite divisive. There were, as expected, two points of view. There were those who supported the article with the "It’s all a bit of fun.", "I enjoy the attention." and "That’s to be expected in a gay bar." attitudes. Then there were those who took the opposite side, "I go to enjoy myself and talk with my friends in a safe environment.", "I don’t want anyone touching me without permission."

It seemed those men liking the more "hands-on" approach felt the others weren’t gay enough for not appreciating the attention. Unwanted attention is unwanted attention, period. I don’t understand why those who like being groped had to make those kinds of comments. Just because they enjoy that kind of attention, not everyone else does. I certainly don't. And to be honest, I can’t recall if the "hands-off" group retaliated with similar comments. 

Daniel Franzese is an actor who recently came forward with a different story. In his recount, which he first tweeted in mid-October, and was later picked up by other media, (one link below) he accused Bijou Phillips of bullying him on a movie set years earlier. He states she body-shamed him, referred to him as the "bi-guy" every time he walked on set and, at times, kicked him. The comments posted against him were, in my opinion, uncalled for; "This was sixteen years ago. Just get over it already.", "Another whiner.", and one that really set me off, "He’d be singing a different tune if it were a good looking guy."

The man who assaulted me was very good looking, and that hasn't changed my tune at all. 

To be fair, Franzese did get more positive responses. "At last, stories of women who take advantage of men.", "I’m sorry this happened to you."

And, there were some comments against her. "Perhaps if she had had to work to get into Hollywood, she’d act differently.", "What a bitch."

To her credit, when Ms. Phillips heard of the account, she reached out both privately and publicly to Mr. Franzese to apologize, and take responsibility for her actions, which he publicly acknowledged. And people still tore her down, "Too little, too late."

I totally understand wanting to express an opinion on a topic. After all, it is freedom of speech. But, why degrade someone whose opinion or behavior differs from yours? Since websites and social media, such as Twitter and Facebook, are such a public arena with little chance of running into the other person, perhaps people feel more prone to attack.

But, I have to ask, if it doesn’t directly affect you, is it necessary to comment at all, especially negatively about the commenter? After all, it is quite possible to simply read something, disagree and move on, without public comment.

I just don’t understand people’s need to put others down and I guess I never will. Aren't we all fighting our own battles? Do we need any more to fight?

It’s this negativity that pushes me away, turning me off to the world at large making it less appealing to be out there, especially among the gay community. 

But, perhaps, I should remember this:

Thank you, Mrs. Rogers, I'll look for them, too.
To read the article from Daniel Franzese, click here.

To read the original column by Marc Ambinder, click here.

To read Lane Hudson's rebuttal to Marc Ambinder, click here.