Isolation

Over the course of the last few months, some well-meaning and caring friends have dropped the ‘I’ word in their concern for me. 

Isolation

And it caused me to reflect, which then prompted this post.

Isolation is defined by Merriam-Webster as

1. the state of being in a place or situation that is separate from others;
2. the condition of being isolated;
3. the act of separating something from other things;
4. the act of isolating something.

The third and fourth definitions are presented as transitive, meaning someone is isolating me, almost as a punishment or penalty.

Um, no. No one has told me I've been a bad boy lately.

The second definition suggests a condition, possibly in the lines of an illness requiring quarantine.

Again, no. Aside from a small tickle in my throat at the moment, I am physically healthy, while my therapist assures me that I am emotionally sane, as well.

That leaves the first definition.

The word 'state' also suggests a 'condition,' physical or mental, which I’ve already ruled out. But, yes, I do find myself separate from others.

Besides a definition, words have a connotation, a feeling that accompanies the textual meaning. Prison guards isolate prisoners who are violent; boards of health quarantine people who pose a threat to the general population. Bullies may socially isolate or ostracize their victim. So, isolation carries a negative feeling as well as the idea that it is often imposed upon others by authority figures. No one is forcing me into alleged isolation.

And it’s true, I don’t go out much, but when I have ventured out into the world to try and socialize more, I’ve discovered some things about myself.

1. I am an introvert.

A recent encounter with a financial planner resulted in an invitation to hear his sales pitch. I had explained I was not in a position to make any changes at this time, but he just asked if I was open enough to listen. I said I was and he suggested a meeting over coffee. What did I have to lose? Nothing, and I’d get a free cup of coffee at a Starbucks or someplace similar. We exchanged numbers and he later called to set up the meeting. I arrived at his place of business only to find 30-40 other people in attendance and no coffee in sight. This unexpected plethora of additional guests startled me which set my introversion and anxiety into an unusually high overdrive! 

The invitees remained in one room and were later escorted to another larger room to begin the ‘tour' which left me wondering what this had to do with financial planning? If we were going on a ‘tour,’ maybe I could look for an escape as the anxiety was now reaching critical levels. No such luck. We remained in the larger room where we-the invitees-were introduced to various people one at a time, all of whom had invited someone else, and we ended up making mind-numbing small talk with several strangers. I felt corralled and deceived. However, I paid attention to myself to see how I was feeling during the course of the evening as I was now determined to use this as a self-reflection.

2. I am a borderline empath.

I took the Metro to work for a while and even though not focusing on driving and traffic was relaxing, just being around so many people was tiring. I later learned that that is what defines an empath; either picking up on others’ energies or emotions. While I don’t necessarily "pick up" on the various emotions of people around me, just the energies surrounding me are enough to tire me out for a while. Even a shopping trip to a crowded store or a meal in a busy restaurant can be overwhelming. Oh, and I abhor Christmas shopping unless it’s online. 

An introvert and empath each require recovery time after social interactions, to recharge their batteries if you will. Being both adds to the necessity.

3. I don’t fit in. Yet.

Well, I don’t feel I fit in in the groups I’ve tried to attend. Over the last few years, I’ve joined a few gay social groups. All, but one, have imploded due to the Royal High drama by some members of the group. I believe I am low-key, or at least I try to be and prefer to leave the drama for the professionals on stage. Other groups have misrepresented their intentions based on their application process. 

Several years ago I had an experience which led me to the path of Shamanism as a spiritual way of looking at and living life. However, life itself got in the way and I wasn’t able to fully embrace the path until shortly after my divorce when I was led to a teacher who helped me shore up my foundation. We soon parted ways as his journey led him in a different direction. I read and studied on my own and again life intervened and my studies and practice faltered. A couple of years ago, I was awakened to an additional aspect of my journey which propelled me further into my soul to heal some deep hurts and wounds from my past and to begin to discover my true authentic self. As I am uncovering more of my core values, I’m finding I don’t feel I fit into society at large, let alone the gay community. While many gay men focus on fitting the relationship around the sex, I prefer a relationship that is all-encompassing; heart, mind, soul, and body. If you can’t stimulate the first three, you can damn well give up on the fourth.

I also find myself learning to live and let live, yet I don’t see it in society at large. Religious and political differences have led to name-calling, violence and an increase in negativity. Other differences in personal opinions have also led to name calling and judgments. I do believe in expressing our differing opinions, but peacefully and ultimately respecting others’ choices, even if it is painful or contrary to our personal beliefs. The only thing we can control is our reaction to what happens around us. It is not easy, but essential for our peace of mind, and ultimately our physical health as I believe our mind and body are connected.

As an empath, it is a strain to be around or read all the negative energies. Learning to detach from the negativity when surrounded by it is not an easy lesson to master.

I will yield a bit here and acquiesce that I could simply find a group, join it, not give a shit, detach from their drama, keep myself grounded and eventually some members of the group will adjust. And if they don't adjust to me, they're free to not interact with me. But, that is a lot of work and perhaps a bit controlling, "Accept me or else!" However, if the group's proposed activities simply do not appeal to me, what's the point of joining that particular group? Then, I should move on and try searching once more, yet again. But, at the moment, I'm finding it hard to find any group, other than my writers' group, that piques my interest.

Perhaps I am in need of a group that relates more to what I’m experiencing because the members are walking a similar path, too. Perhaps then I’ll feel like I belong somewhere, I will feel connected.

Instead of isolation, with its overall negative connotation, I prefer the more positive term solitude which Merriam-Webster defines as 'a state or situation in which you are alone usually because you want to be.' However, I would change it to read '...want or need to be.'

Solitude gives me time to reflect on where I am on this journey of life and make adjustments as necessary.

And I believe solitude is exactly what I need.