Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Still Walking Alone

In 2013, "I Walk Alone" a song on Cher's Closer to the Truth CD inspired me to write a post based on events in my life back then. Many friends and colleagues back then kept telling me about a single gay guy they knew; a single gay guy I should meet. I understood what they were trying to do, but I knew I had personal issues to deal with before tackling the prospect of dating and meeting someone. It turns out I was right.

To read that original post, click here.

Four years later, I still walk alone, but now for a different reason. I’m still not interested in dating, perhaps even less so now. But, I’ve started, or was thrust on, this spiritual path and when I do share what’s going on, few of my friends can really truly understand. But, I can’t blame them. This is my journey. And spirituality is very personal.

I do want to give them credit as they try as hard as they can. I love them for listening and trying to understand. 
Most people fall into the "I believe it because I can see it" category, e.g., "I believe fire can burn because I've seen, or felt, it", "I believe in erosion because I see the effects on this rock." We need evidence. Some of us even believe in what experts tell us because the learned ones have the evidence, “I believe that all matter is made up of atoms because the scientists tell me so."

I, and other people on this path, see things because we believe them. That makes it very real to me. My closest friends listen when I try to share about the synchronicities in my life; the repeated numbers, words and patterns I frequently encounter. They often make statements or ask questions which show they are trying to understand, but it’s difficult for them. I get it.

"Haven't the numbers always been there?"
Yes, they have. The license plates and billboards have always been there because they’ve been manufactured. The fact they are in my location is what's changed. The ad on the billboard may have changed with a new set of numbers or words that might mean something to me at the time I need to see them.

The timing of their appearance is also part of the synchronicity. I've had doubts a few times, as many people have when making changes in their life. When I decided to retire earlier than I had planned, I had several doubts, as I am human; yet, several signs would appear affirming I was making the right decision for me at this time in my life. They gave me courage to follow through on my decision. 

"Why are you seeing them now, if they’ve always been there?"
Have you ever read a book or watched a movie a second or third time, and come across a detail you missed before which seemed to clarify something? Maybe you weren’t ready to see that detail. Maybe your focus is a little different this next time you’re reading the book or watching the movie and that once missed detail suddenly becomes apparent leading you to a deeper understanding of the book or movie.

Maybe it's simply my time to notice these messages. Perhaps the Universe is placing them where I can't avoid seeing them.

"It's just coincidence."
When two cars pass me, one right after the other, both their license plates ending with the same three numbers, I might consider that a coincidence. But, a third? Maybe a fourth? Within just a few minutes? Or, a number keeps showing up on a receipt-other than the last four digits of my credit card. Or the same number presents itself in various manners within moments of each other; I went to dinner with a friend recently, and my total came to $16.66. As I reached for my wallet to put the receipt away, I happened to glance out the window as a car passed by, it's license plate ending with 666. (Note: I see all numbers as a positive influence. Even this one.) Once, I counted the same combination of numbers, i.e., the same three digits, yet in different configurations, five times in less than one hour. That is one huge coincidence. 

"Signs can be wrong."
Absolutely. But signs usually have a tendency to occur singularly or in small numbers. Years ago, I met a nice guy who invited me to a party at his house. He lived over 50 miles away making it hard for me to attend and return home to feed the dogs and cat I had at that time. Out of the blue, my ex offered to take the dogs for the weekend freeing me up to attend the party without worry. I took it as a sign I was meant to go. 

But, I look at the sheer volume of the signs I see. One day, I counted over eighteen(!) triple or quadruple numbers in just over two hours, and not all of them were license plates; some were on receipts, in addresses, or on billboards. 

Plus, this has been happening to me for well over two and a half years now and shows no indication of slowing. That also says something.

"You're looking for them."
No, I’m not. But, I will admit to maybe looking more frequently at license plates than before. I've always enjoyed trying to decipher personalized plates because it takes the monotony out of driving. But, I set my intention-I'm not looking for the numbers, I'm checking in-if there’s a number there, great; if not, great. I’m not disappointed if there isn’t one there. To me, that makes the difference. Yet, I have a hard time admitting that I'm looking for them when they turn up in my caller ID screen, on a receipt, on an airline ticket, or I see them on a clock for three consecutive days first thing in the morning. I open my eyes, check the clock and bam! there they are-3:33, 4:44 or 5:55.

I will even admit to playing with the Universe's sense of humor. One morning, I went to put something in the mailbox and I'd noticed a piece of mail on the ground. I picked it up and noted the address ended in --111. I take note and move on. I get my iPad later and it's 11:11. I smile again and move on. I leave to meet a friend for some shopping and lunch and see 222 on a license plate, followed by 333 a few moments later. I smile each time and move on. Then I ask the Universe, “Are you going to send me the rest of the numbers in sequential order; 4s next, then 5s, etc?”

Nope, the next set was 999. I chuckled.

"But what does it all mean?"
While many numerologists ascribe certain messages to individual numbers, and when you see a double, triple, or quadruple of that number, it's significance is magnified. I simply believe they are messages affirming I'm on the right path for my greater good. And I should simply keep walking, trusting in the now and surrendering to the what is. 

While it does get frustrating and lonely at times not having someone to share this with, a friend who understands precisely what I’m experiencing because they are going through it, too; a co-traveler on this path to discuss this with over a cup of coffee, it is still my individual journey, as is anyone's spirituality. I have found a couple of online groups of others on this particular path who have been there for me. Occasionally, an anti-lgbtq bias surfaces, but that individual is quickly shut down, usually by others coming to my defense. I am blessed and grateful.

I guess this is a part of my life I’ll need to keep more to myself.

And that’s okay.

Frustrating, but okay.

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