Saturday, October 5, 2013

Fishes, Bicycles, P!nk and Cher

Lately, I've been reminded of the saying "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." 

It seems all I've been seeing and hearing around me is how much I need to be with someone. 

And that's true, I do need to be with someone. 

I need to be with me. 

For twenty-four of the last twenty-seven years I was with someone, two different someones at different times, actually. I feel I gave those two men everything. I gave them so much, I don't know if I have anything more to give. 

(I do, but we'll talk about that later.)

I also feel I gave so much of myself, I don't know who I am anymore. And that is the path I walk; the path to me.

Friends are telling me I need to be with someone who understands me. 

I think that's a no-brainer, but I also need to understand myself first. 

Others have told me I need to be with someone who looks like we belong together.  A bit superficial perhaps, but if the physical attraction isn't there from the beginning, while combined with the other attractions; mental, spiritual and emotional, then I don't feel it's going to last.  And let's face it, men are attracted to looks first and when you put two men together, sometimes it seems they can't get past the outer packaging.

Other friends have mentioned their single gay male friends in passing, their hidden intentions not lost on me.

Other friends have told me it's my writing that will bring me to my next partner. We shall see. One friend spoke of my writing in general, while another believes my next partner will be an author in his own right. Time will tell. 

I see little posts on Facebook saying things like, "to love and be loved is the real purpose of life," "Allow yourself to HOPE, BELIEVE, and TRUST again. Don't let a few bad memories stop you from having a good life NOW!" That's true and I'm working on it, but it still takes time to heal from past hurts.  

I watch some of my friends, both gay and straight, and when their relationship ends, they begin embarking on another, taking little time trying to get to know the other person, and when that relationship fails, they embark on another. Almost immediately. But, I ask, have they  taken time to get to know themselves? Have they taken time to know what they truly want? Only they can answer that question.

I openly admit to being a HUGE Cher fan. She just released her first CD in over eleven years. One song spoke to me as I walk this path. (I love the whole CD, but some songs reached deep into my soul and affirmed to me I'm moving in the right direction.)  I'm not a huge P!nk fan, I really don't know her music well, but I have blogged on one of her songs, Try, in an earlier blog, and when I heard she was collaborating on a song with Cher, I was intrigued. And this is the song they worked on, and in particular, it's the second verse and chorus that really hit home:

From I Walk Alone

There's a tightrope that I've been walking
There's a daisy in my hair
There's a heartbreak that has taught me 
what is raging and that's only love and fear
There's a sadness in my confessions
There's a healer howling at the moon,
And there's a gypsy in me that keeps on roaming
and there's an anger as I get closer to the truth.

But there's a time to dance, time to laugh
time to cry, time to go, time to grieve, trime to cope,
Well, I've still got time to fold, time to hold,
time to play, time to grow, but for now I gotta walk alone.
I've gotta walk alone, I gotta walk alone, I got to walk alone,
But, for now, I gotta walk alone.

Rest assured dear friends, I won't walk alone forever. He's out there. I feel it. I know it.

But, for now I gotta walk alone.

And this is where I need to be.

For now.

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